Do you have to have orgasms in a relationship??

I’m an orgasm addict. Realizing that helped me to break free from porn and sex addiction. My life has changed enormously. I have a girlfriend now, for several years.

When I don’t have orgasms, I feel better. If I go 100+ days, I feel great!

If I have an orgasm, I feel bad. Maybe a few minutes of euphoria, but then I feel weak, and irritable. I feel like I have truly lost some vitality. I feel empty.

I’m tempted to edge, and seek out sexual stimuli, to build up more sexual stimuli. The rush of that orgasm makes me crave another, to blot out the way I feel. As an addict, my first impulse is to turn to porn and masturbation, and objectifying other women.

Even if I could turn all that energy towards my girlfriend- it wouldn’t feel right. My addict needs an addictive shame filled hit, something really strong. And, I don’t want to be using my girlfriend to get my rocks off.


But my girlfriend says it’s not okay. Even though I give her oral sex, even though we have PIV sometimes (where I do my best to practice karezza) she says she needs me to cum. Otherwise she feels rejected. She feels like I’m always holding back. She even said she feels like she’s raping me because she’s trying to have sex with me while I’m trying not to orgasm.

She said she doesn’t want to spend the rest of her life in a relationship where there’s no sex. Everything else is wonderful, but this was has come up and I feel like I need to choose between what’s best for me … or having orgasms - just for her.

Anyone struggling with something similar? Any insight to give? Male or female, I could really use some perspective on this.

 

@Queenie%Bee thank you for your reply, it’s really helpful.
To answer your question- she did orgasm. I make sure that she has an orgasm every time when we are intimate. One problem is that we’re not intimate very often - maybe every three weeks or so. This is 90% on me - I tend to avoid sex in order to avoid orgasm.
Two weeks ago we made love and I did have an orgasm. The other night, I’m not sure what overcame me but

Spoiler: Trigger Warning

I woke up extremely aroused and wanted to give her oral (it was great to feel SO MUCH sexual desire for my partner!). I gave her oral until she had an orgasm … but declined when she asked me if I wanted to orgasm

I thought I was doing pretty well, given these last two “events” and was really crushed when she told me the next morning how she felt rejected and even floated the idea of ending the relationship if we couldn’t have regular sex.

I think you’re spot on with the suggestion of digging deeper. As an addict my thinking is, well, diseased. More frequent sexual intimacy would be good, and maybe there are other ways to maintain and improve my vitality beyond abstaining from orgasm for months at a time.

 

@janewhite thank you for your compassionate and understanding response. My partner has said similar things- even that she feels humiliated to lose herself in orgasm with me … while I am holding back and maintaining control.
I have to hold back to avoid PE, but maybe there is a compromise where I can at least hold back less.
We have practiced Karezza which we both enjoy … and I wish we would do it more often. But she’s made it clear that she wants regular sex as well.

I hope we do talk more. I told her when we first met three years ago that I was a recovering sex and love addict and that I was avoiding orgasms … but she also told me that she wants and needs sex. We talked A LOT about it, but without going into too much detail of my addiction, and we probably haven’t talked enough about it since then. Addiction is ugly, so I’m keen to avoid going into more detail with her now.

A friend of mine just suggested a book: “Mating in Captivity”. Hopefully that’ll help and maybe facilitate some discussion.

 

I’d feel like a failure.
At least, if I knew she wanted an orgasm. If she was trying to avoid orgasm … but that’s not what she’s doing. That’s my hang up.
Honestly, I’ve always been more interested in giving orgasm (partly because I took care of myself with PMO) than in getting them. It’s a source of pride and satisfaction.

By avoiding orgasms (to make myself feel better, and in an attempt to dodge my addiction), I am robbing her of the opportunity to have that feeling.

 

That’s a good analogy.
Do I need more time? Yes. It might take a lifetime, but I’ve been in recovery for many years now. What I’m seeing is that what I really need is more work.

 

I will.
Not having orgasms seemed to work so well . . . for me. It feels very selfish now. It was not working well for her, and not for the relationship.

I will have to have orgasms with her. I'm okay not having them every time, but I need to let them happen especially when she says she wants me to.

Hopefully I can hold back from premature ejaculation. That's been an issue for me when I'm not in a constant state of avoiding orgasm. But, on the whole, I'm guessing that PE will be better than no O.

My other challenge is to avoid masturbating at all costs. Just thinking that I will allow myself to O during sex makes me think that I can masturbate, too. My mind tries to convince me that I should do it now, to reset, and get the whole no O idea out of my head. And, I know that having O's from sex will bring back the urge to masturbate, with a vengeance.

"Having a walk" might sound harmless, but, just like cigarettes, I know that just one will lead me back into the addiction. I might stay away from porn (doubtful), but I would certainly slip back into fantasy and being lost in my head instead of present with my girlfriend.

This is so good to hear. I need that connection. We need it. I know that it will deplete me . . . so I need to find other ways to replenish myself (and again, not further deplete myself with masturbation).

Thank you so much!!

 

@TakingTheSteps Thank you for your reply. I have spent many years single . . . and, to be honest - I had been choosing porn and masturbation over having a relationship. I enjoyed the hopes and excitement that came with occasional dating and the ability to maintain my masturbation focused lifestyle. My private thoughts and my private life was all but consumed by fantasy and masturbation.
Choosing to give up (or try!) masturbation and porn was a BIG decision, a life changing event, and I did it because I wanted to have companionship and a meaningful relationship. I recall traveling to a certain medieval European city and being blown away by the beauty of it . . . and deeply saddened that I had no one to share it with.

Celibacy is a worthy choice. I have chosen it in the past and even ended an exciting relationship to focus on my recovery from porn, fantasy and masturbation. But I am over 3 years into this relationship and we live together. Breaking up is never an easy option, and painful for both parties. The sexual challenge that we face is a big one and yes, we would be incompatible if nothing changes. I saw avoiding orgasm as a way to avoid falling into my old habits of masturbation, fantasy and porn. It works! It probably works really well for single and celibate people. Semen retention, or self-induced orgasm denial, might work for me and my addiction but it does not work for my girlfriend and our relationship. Returning to "normal" intimacy and sexual activity is a struggle for all recovering sex addicts. I imagine there are many paths to get there. Avoiding orgasms is not working . . . so I need to find a new path.

I have chosen to have orgasms with my partner. Chose that some weeks ago. Unfortunately, for various reasons, it hasn't happened yet. As a masturbation addict, I really struggle now with the temptation to masturbate . . . now that orgasms are okay. Can I really just have orgasms with my partner and never at any other time? Is it really that bad to masturbate on occasion, as long as I am also having regular sexual intimacy with my partner?

 

I agree, at least, that edging can be really bad . . . and it tends to lead to more and more edging, and not towards intimacy with my partner.

Yes. In short, by orgasm I mean ejaculating with my partner.
As you probably know, orgasm is not always the same as emission and ejaculation, thought they often go together. I have had a few orgasms (I think) without emission or ejaculation, and I have had emissions without orgasm or ejaculation . . . and emissions/ejaculation/orgasm without an erection. Who knew?! When I did PMO, they all came together.

For simplicity sake - when I say no orgasms, I really mean no emission. It's just easier to say no O than getting nuanced about emission, ejaculation, erection and orgasm.