Do you have to have orgasms in a relationship??

Discussion in 'Rebooting in a Relationship' started by +TenPercent, Sep 24, 2022.

  1. Thank you. This is helpful. It seems we can relate with similar challenges.

    Ultimately there would be no edging, and no fantasies. We’re human, so arousal and fantasy will never go away completely, but it’s a good litmus test of my “spiritual condition”. If I keep turning to touch and / or fantasy edging, that’s a clear sign that I’m not my best self. Might need to get busy if I’m bored … or find some other ways to find balance if I’m stressed or feeling anxious.
    KevinesKay likes this.
  2. I'm dealing with this pretty strongly right now, it's the release and build up that I am flooded with to make me feel good. My girlfriend is also finding it weird when I don't want anything but she clearly want's to make me feel good. I'm attracted to her and love how she pleases me it's just the way my mind is right now. I just want to see and look at bigger female parts that boost a stimulation in me.

    I have even told her my self I like bigger assets... When I was younger this didn't matter at all really to me.. I was happy with what god gave me, just the sent of a woman to be next to. I just wish I could feel this essence about her again..
  3. Thank you for sharing this. It’s sad but I can relate - knowing that I have a beautiful girlfriend and wanting to be there for her sexually, but craving something more intense. For you that is bigger assets, for me it’s needing (no, not needing, not a need at all, but wanting) a partner who will reject me in some way - in order for me to want her more.

    You said it yourself @Mr. Monk it is in your mind. We have literally messed up our brains by chasing more extreme arousal. The best thing we can do is abstain, go through withdrawal and give our brains time to heal.
    Mr. Monk likes this.
  4. Update: Day 47 without masturbation. Had sex with my girlfriend last night. That’s twice now, day 23 and day 46. An improvement, but we really should be intimate more often.

    Yesterday morning I suggested we make love that evening. Perhaps it helps to plan for intimacy, rather than expecting it to happen spontaneously??

    Last night she got in bed fully clothed. I got in bed, took my pajamas off and tried to initiate intimacy but without any response from her … I immediately got aroused by this rejection
    and felt like I might spontaneously ejaculate! :eek:
    Then the thought flashed through my mind that maybe she’s been with another man while I was out of town and I was sure that I was going to ejaculate. What a mess that would be and how incredibly awkward. How could I possibly explain that??
    So I rushed to put on my pajama pants before it happened …

    And that triggered some much needed discussion from her about our intimacy troubles. And then we made love.
    I gave her oral and quickly brought her to orgasm. (I feel oral is a very natural response after time apart and uncertainty about fidelity, however unlikely it is. And her quick response was reassuring) And then we had PIV where I lasted maybe 40 seconds.

    It was brief, but beautiful. I am really grateful for this outcome and hoping to stay on track with this plan of no masturbation and having orgasms only during sex with my girlfriend. :)

  5. Yeah its like the extreme arousal on screen is more then what we can comprehend in real life. I'm waking up today and my mother usually has the tv on and woman on screen are turning me on so now I have to turn it off. On the bright side I'm feeling a defense mechanism in myself again.
    +TenPercent likes this.
  6. Update: Day 70 without masturbation. Have now had three orgasms from sex with my girlfriend and one involuntary. Really trying to train myself to only O from sex with girlfriend. Need to give up masturbation 100%.
    But, the chaser effect from these O’s have been vicious! Throw in an extremely difficult work situation and I nearly lost it all in a compulsive/involuntary situation
    almost having an O from the way my underwear was rubbing, but compulsively walking to increase that risk rather than changing clothes. :rolleyes:
    luckily the winter air outside had almost the same effect as a cold shower.

    I had to resort to desperate measures
    a chastity device
    to get through the next few hours. It’s been messy and imperfect, but I’m really trying to break this severe addiction to masturbation.

    I am so grateful for my AP on here and for the support of NoFap. Hoping to make it another 295 days!
  7. Update: Day 106 without masturbation (and yes, no porn either). :cool:

    I'm very grateful to @Psalm27:1my light for helping me to see weakness of my resolve (i.e. if a horse or a dog can be trained to abstain from copulation than a man can be trained to abstain from having sex with his hand) and hope that I can overcome this weakness with help and support from others.

    I wouldn't be here without the support of my AP and some of the other women and men on this site. :)

    Even at 106 days, I'm only at my 6th longest streak without masturbation, but this is my first time getting anywhere near this far without going into total abstinence / semen retention mode. It's hard to have O's during sex and suffer the chasers, and harder still to wrestle with involuntary O's, but I have hope today that I might be closer to giving up mastubation for good!
    Psalm27:1my light likes this.
  8. movingon77

    movingon77 Fapstronaut

    Hi Ten...

    I am in a similar situation to yours, with the exception that my partner encourages my semen retention. While I may not have the answers you need I hope that my experience gives you a different perspective.

    I am currently 5 months clear from masturbation. I no longer count the days. I think that the fact that you can go 55,63,125 days without masturbation is really fucking awesome. I no longer count how many days it has been. At this point it makes no difference to me if I have gone 50, 60 or 70 days. I think that counting days is like torture, in doing so you are reminding yourself of something that you used to miss. My new reality is that I am a man who doesn't masturbate. I am a master of my own sexual energy. The world is full of men who have little to no self control over their dicks. Relentlessly masturbating and ending up with all sorts of issues from erectile disfunction to disfunctional relationships as a result of it. So I will say it no longer masturbating I feel that I am a master of my own sexual energy. I have tamed the beast, and that makes me fucking awesome!

    I am in a long distance relationship, so in the time apart I have plenty opportunities. There were times in our relationship when we could go a visit without sex. We put it down to the tiredness from travelling and blah, blah, blah, but if I were to be honest with myself it was down to my masturbation. After 30 days of no PMO I confessed to my partner about my masturbatory habbits. I told her that in the 30 days without porn I had noticed many benefits. I had more confidence, less brain fog and generally felt an awful lot better with myself. Without masturbation my sex life improved dramatically and my partner noticed. I was harder, bigger and more willing to have sex. My partner really liked the fact that the only time I would orgasm would be with her.

    After a couple of months of this I realised that after I orgasmed through sex my life energy wasn't the same. Tired, brain fog, more anxious and a few other things so I approached the subject of a female led relationship with my partner. Our day to day life continued as normal but in the bedroom she was in charge. I told her that after I orgasmed I wasn't that attentive to her, and that it would take a couple of days after the big O to regain my full energy and start being attentive to her again. She noticed this too.

    The conversations we had revolved around her thinking that by not orgasming I wasn't that interested in sex and I told her that this wasn't the case, that I was still very satisfied from it, just that I wouldn't have that 5 second dopamine release at the end and in doing so I would still be horny for her the next day. It also changed my preconception about sex. In the past it was a race to orgasm, but without that release I found that I could enjoy the intimacy of sex and being able to give her more orgasms than I used to. Before I would cum and roll over and go to sleep. Not being allowed to orgasm in a way removed the performance anxiety. I could give her oral and enjoy it without it ending up with sex, and she loved getting more oral from me. She also enjoyed the control. It made her feel more confident with herself, more liberated when it came to sex and loads of other small things.

    I told her that I wanted to last more during sex. I am lucky in that she loves being able to make me cum so quickly, but I wanted to last longer so we tried the start/stop technique before stumbling upon karezza and while reading up about it I realised just how important semen retention is for us men. After an orgasm we deplete a lot of our life force. Zinc levels drop (which in turn brings on flu symptoms) as well as many other hormones that keep us healthy. It turns out that an orgasm is the equivalent of takind 2/3mg of Prozac. That statistic shoked me.

    It turns out that karezza is not only beneficial to the male but to the female as well because her "yoni" would be blocked from previous bad relations and that by being inside her in a loving manner will help her release these blockages. I also read that when the woman orgasms our penis absorbs her orgasm energy and that in a way we are orgasming through her.

    The first time I tried it I was able to go for 30 minutes, which totally shocked us both. She had multiple orgasms and loved it. At the end of it I felt really satisfied from it, nearly as if I had orgasmed as well but I had also retained my sexual energy.

    I found this information useful:
    • By the age of 30, a man begins to lose vitality and should stop squandering his semen recklessly. It is time to give up the habit of masturbation and to become acquainted with the Tao of Yin and Yang.
    • By the age of 40, a man has reached the critical turning point in his life. If he wishes to prevent the rapid downhill slide into the grave which undisciplined sexual relations cause at this stage in life, he must now start practicing ejaculation control as a habit.
    • By the age of 50 his ejaculation frequency should be no more than once every 20 days.
    • By the age of 60, most men should completely curtail ejaculation (but not intercourse). Exceptionally healthy men with strong libidos, however, may continue emitting semen about once a month, or, better yet, once in every 100 coition’s.
    • By the age of 70, if a man is still hale and hearty, he may continue using Dr. Sun’s ideal measure of once in every 100 indefinitely.
    This blog had useful stuff as well:

    Now I am on a release schedule. We are going to aim for once a week and maybe that will go to once every 2 weeks. I am lucky that my partner has embraced all of this. This isn't orgasm denial, just orgasm delay and by delaying it I keep my energy, I am more attentive to her needs and a better lover.

    Maybe introducing a release schedule will keep you both happy. Don't give up on the karezza. I found it to be amazing.
    Newbie Jasper, +TenPercent and Pmoss like this.
  9. Kn0wbie

    Kn0wbie Fapstronaut

    Really interesting to read buddy - just starting to explore Karezza myself!
    movingon77 and +TenPercent like this.
  10. Agree. @movingon77 - thank you so much for your helpful post. I hope to re-read it and really think about what you’ve shared. I envy your FLR. Sometimes I don’t think I’m meant to take the lead. My girlfriend tends to avoid sex (because she’s so confused about my recovery and doesn’t want to make me relapse). We’ve talked about it a lot, but the sex just rarely seems to happen. I know she masturbates, and I’m doing my best to not masturbate, hoping that will give me the motivation to initiate sex more.

    Lately my job has been eating my soul (for a year+). Leaving it soon. Maybe I can turn some of my attention to understanding and initiating intimacy … and revisiting Karezza :):)

    I freakin love Karezza. I can last forever and I feel great after. I love it when she has an orgasm. And, I think I’d be just as happy if she chose to practice non-orgasmic sex herself. Both would work. We literally started this relationship talking about Karezza and I was so excited to learn that she was open to it (and experienced with it).
    But she stands firm that she will not give up her orgasms … and, some months into our relationship, told me that it was fine to do sometimes, but me not having orgasms all the time left her feeling really self-conscious about getting lost in orgasm while I witness it and maintain control.

    What a conundrum!
    Newbie Jasper likes this.
  11. Kn0wbie

    Kn0wbie Fapstronaut

    I'm clearly a total newbie on Karezza buddy… but from what I’ve read it takes time and get use to it. Once you’ve fully recovered and are able to practice Karezza with her… she may learn to love your dedication to her?

    and surely once in a while isn’t the end of the world - you still manage to have a partial orgasm free existence which is better than most if this is your goal!!

    sounds pretty good to me!!
    Last edited: May 31, 2023
    +TenPercent likes this.
  12. movingon77

    movingon77 Fapstronaut

    You're welcome. If I may...

    Don't envy anyone, learn from them and be grateful for what you have.

    I think you need to reassure your gf about your recovery. It's time to change your mindset. Judging by your streak count you should consider yourself recovered.

    "But she stands firm that she will not give up her orgasms …"

    Under no circumstance should your gf give up orgasms! You should strive to give her as many as she wants.

    "but me not having orgasms all the time left her feeling really self-conscious about getting lost in orgasm while I witness it and maintain control."

    I can see her point. At first my partner thought that by me not having an orgasm that I wasn't that into her. I had to reassure her that this was definitly not the case. I found her very attractive and wanted to have sex with her, just that I would rather not orgasm, and then went on to explain why and that I still very much liked to orgasm but this would keep the excitement going and the release more powerful. It wasn't orgasm denial, just orgasm delay...and the delay made it better.

    This here is the key to your conundrum "You not having orgasms all the time vs your gf being able to orgasm". In the same way that you love to make her orgasm, she probably loves making you orgasm too. She should be able to enjoy that part of the relationship as well, if not it is unbalanced. I really think that a release schedule could work for you.

    Would it be too far fetched to ask her that you would like her to be in control of your orgasms and only be allowed one every 1/2 weeks (depending on your age)? Every 2nd saturday? Then make an evening out of your release date?

    I told my partner that she could have oral whenever she wanted, all she had to do was ask. She felt self conscious to start but soon took to it. If your gf is watching porn then she is orgasming regularly. How about every evening when you go to bed you ask her if you can give her oral? No sex, no bj, just you giving her an orgasm. If she says no don't be put off, ask her again the 2nd night, then again the 3rd night until she realises that all she has to do is ask you.

    Then you go on to say "while I witness it and maintain control". Tell her that she is in control of that too. You will only release on your schedule day. When she has had enough you will stop.

    Good luck with your conundrum.
    +TenPercent and Newbie Jasper like this.
  13. movingon77

    movingon77 Fapstronaut

    Yes. In my case at least she loves the dedication and commitment.
    +TenPercent likes this.
  14. Kn0wbie

    Kn0wbie Fapstronaut

    my challenge… is how to introduce it to my wife when I feel I’m done on my reboot. It’s currently a sexless marriage and before that she was very vanilla. I fear selling Karezza will take some work and be seen as weird!
    +TenPercent likes this.
  15. movingon77

    movingon77 Fapstronaut

    You never know what the future is going to hold. It is a vicious circle though. Fapping leads you to lose interest in sex, then the lack of sex leads you back to fapping. Good luck on your journey.
    +TenPercent likes this.
  16. Kn0wbie

    Kn0wbie Fapstronaut

    I’m 100% sold buddy - I see the benefits already. But that’s from a male perspective. What’s in it for the girl? How do you introduce Karezza to her?
    +TenPercent likes this.
  17. movingon77

    movingon77 Fapstronaut

    I can only give you my perspective on this. Apologies for any trigger warnings. Truth be told I got here by accident.

    I had gone 30 days without PMO before telling her that I had stopped. I told her that in that small period of time I had noticed loads of benefits, from less brain fog, less anxiety, easier to make chit chat with people and generally feeling an awful lot better with myself. Which she was good with because she loves me and wants to see me happy. I also told her that I found it easier to get aroused by her (which she noticed) and I had also noticed that without the PMO my dick was bigger and thicker, which she had noticed and loved. It was day 12 when I watched her undress and she looked beautiful. Without the porn blinkers on and seeing hundreds of naked women, she looked really good and I told her that. She was reallly happy with it, so I told her that I was going to continue without the PMO. I mean after a couple of weeks she looked hotter, my dick was responding better so I had all the incentives to keep going. I told her that the only time I would O would be with her, and that made her happy. Like I was more committed to her.

    After another 30 days I told her that I wanted to try a Female Led Relationship. I sent her a few links for blogs that I had found and we talked about it. There are many unhealthy blogs about FLRs, when the men are locked in chastity for months, or where the woman has other boyfriends. In some cases the men weren't even allowed to sleep in the same bed as them which we both agreed neither of us wanted. I already dote on her. I carry her bags when we go shopping and I help around the house. Eventually we settled on a FLR only in the bedroom and we agreed that she would be in charge of my Os. She loved the idea but it took a bit of time for her to get round to it. One subject that came up in conversation was that she loved getting oral, but that would lead to sex so if she had oral in the morning that would lead to sex and in turn that would mean that we wouldn't have sex in the evening because my arousal levels would have gone. I told her that this way she would still be able to get oral during the day and still have sex in the evening. All she would have to do is not make me O. It took her a bit of getting used to it, like asking for it, but she quickly was able to enjoy it more. It changed the way she enjoyed oral. Instead of me giving her oral until I was ready to have sex, this way she would be able to control my speed more and enjoy the experience more. When she was satisfied she could just tell me to stop. This got her used to being a bit more selfish in bed. One thing that she really liked was seeing how turned on I got. Without the porn it became really easy to get turned on, and it done her confidence the world of good knowing that she could turn me on so easily.

    For the next 30 days we still had sex. Obviously on her terms. Whenever she was fully satisfied she would allow me to O. Being in that constant state of arousal made me more attentive to her but following my O my hornyness levels dropped and while still attentive to her, I wouldn't be as attentive as I was in my pre-O state. So we decided to try denying me for an evening and then being allowed to O the next day. She noticed the benefits. The next day I was still horny for her and easily aroused and she liked that...a lot!!!

    The problem that I had next was the PE. We are in a long distance relationship so after 14 days of no Os it really didn't take me long to O. I am lucky in that she felt really happy that she could turn me on so much that I wouldn't last long, but I wanted to last longer and so we tried the start stop technique. She really like having the power that I would stop myself for her, this way we could have sex and I wouldn't O.

    Next I came across Karezza and asked her if she wanted to try it. This is different than the start/stop technique in my opinion because the goal was to go 30 minutes. Even just lying there together without thrusting felt good. We felt more connected and low and behold I was able to go the full 30 minutes the first time we tried it. Neither of us expected it. I should add that nofap was key to this journey because if I had just jumped into this and been denied an O after sex my balls would have exploded, but nofap gave me the skills to be able to control the frustration that comes with it.

    So how would you sell "Karezza" to your wife? I think the key is communication. My partner felt that by me not having an O i wasn't enjoying sex with her. From her perspecitve me having an O meant that I was satisfied with her, so I had to reassure her that having an O was not the end game.

    I read that a woman's "yoni" gets blocked up by bad relationships and quick cummers. Just being inside her for that period of time will help her "yoni" return to her natural state and I have to say that is what I noticed. She really enjoyed the experience as was able to O from intercourse when she didn't always used to, and being slightly bigger because of nofap meant that I was able to hit spots that I had never hit.

    I found this link helpful to give my partner a woman's point of view on it.

    Sorry for hijacking your thread Ten.
  18. Kn0wbie

    Kn0wbie Fapstronaut

    thanks so so much detail buddy - about hijacking the thread… would love to talk more on this… maybe by DM or in another thread?
    +TenPercent likes this.
  19. movingon77

    movingon77 Fapstronaut

    I will swing by your journal.
    +TenPercent and Newbie Jasper like this.
  20. Update:
    160 days without masturbation.
    I am definitely struggling with masturbation addiction. Despite not doing it and trying to only have orgasms with my girlfriend (so that I learn to associate orgasmic release with making love, and only with her), I still find myself craving masturbation after my body is aroused by making love and having an O during sex. :rolleyes:

    I'll need to check my notes, but I think we went nearly two months without sex. :(
    This can be triggering for me as I struggle with cuckold fantasies and then start to wonder if she's been "stepping out" on me.
    I am truly terrible about suggesting or initiating sex, but during that time period I did try to initiate sex a couple of times . . . but she turned me down.

    Good news. After that long stretch we did have sex. Of course I didn't last too long. But it always feels better knowing afterwords, feeling like that aspect of our relationship is once again in good standing. And yet, the masturbation addict in me immediately starts thinking that now I can hopefully masturbate within the next few days and still be "good to go" if she wants to have sex again.

    Better news. About a week after having sex, we did it again! And this time was more karezza style. It is so much better, so much more satisfying for me when we can do that. I can last so long and it feels good to be inside her. Regular sex has me PE within the first few thrusts, but going slow and easy with karezza, I can last almost as long as I like. After she had had an O, I would have been content to make love without an O for myself, but I did it for her. :)

    @movingon77 - please, no worries about hijacking my thread. I am very grateful for your contribution. I hope that maybe I can have the courage and inspiration to suggest oral services upon demand and a release schedule. For me, it should probably be every two or three weeks.

    We have so little intimacy. Yet, early on, when I was insisting on semen retention, we did it more often. With karezza, I could probably make love nearly every evening and really want it. After having an O from sex, all I really want is to masturbate. And I really do love giving oral. I can imagine that our sex life would improve 1000% if we could both expect to make love once a week (on a schedule, so as to look forward to it) with an O for me only allowed every third week. And maybe some oral in between to keep us both in the mood. :)
    Newbie Jasper likes this.

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