Do You Love Your Wife?

I love my wife - full stop.

I never had an escort or affair. Until recently, I never even consider my porn usage to be a problem. I knew it was something I was ashamed of, but I thought it was fairly "normal" and "under control".

I don't justify anything. I take accountability because I made those decisions. I can help explain my thought process, I can work through the emotions, but the word justify makes me think I'm trying to wife it away or excuse it.

 

My husband described it this way as well. He read somewhere it is like a closet with boxes and he said it was just like this. When one was out, the other was shut so tightly, on the shelf. Only one could be out at a time. It hurts a lot to hear that he could just seal me away like that so that he could do the other. He created the distance between us that allowed him to act out. He fed himself lies to justify it. He even tried to convince himself that I didn't love him so he he may as well do it anyway, and that it wasn't that bad cause it wasn't "real". He's now horrified to see that he not only was the source of the distance but then he used it to his advantage and broke me so badly. He is now working hard to make sure that he compartmentalizes less and that even if it's a box that isn't ours, like his work or a hobby, that I know what's in the box and how he feels about it. No secrets anymore.

 

I've had since a young age the idea that love and sex can be separate. I don't believe that now but my body still needs to be convinced. I do love my wife and sex with her is ten times better that any fap but I still go to the computer. I should really think more critically about my urges and realise that I am taking something for my wife and abusing it

 

I don't know if your wife knows about your issues, but if she does, make sure you tell her that she is ten times better. She will think she is at least 100 times worse than porn. It will mean a lot to her

 

She knows and she knows it's not a problem of not loving her but a problem with my own mind