Does a Partner make it easier to reboot or harder? (SAs/PAs Only Please)

I have found my wife an incredible source of support through all this. I've a few questions ...

Does your wife post here?

Is she trying to help you or is she too deep in her own betrayal trauma? Perhaps you are both too raw still to help each other?

Have you talked to her about these issues? How does she see her role?

 

Mine too. She's a very private person.

That sounds like a very difficult place to be. How old are the kids?

Looking through the wives journals here you often see examples where the wife's emotional needs outstrip the capabilities of the recovering addict, and vice versa. Have you got a therapist, someone who is there just to help you with your recovery?

But I'm moving away from your original question. In short I think there's good and bad and it may just come down to the individuals. Every relationship is different. Sorry I couldn't offer better insights.

 

What do you mean by this?

 

Quite long - I have experience...PAs and SOs please read if you have time.

As an SO of a PA, I will openly and regretfully admit, I have in some ways hindered my SOs recovery. I hope SOs in my situation will read this too, as my experiences with 'dos and 'don'ts' could help others. I have found the recovery process difficult but not unbearable - I also found out unsavory things about my BFs past which I found difficult - this was during recoveries and I've found the last year very emotional and struggled at times, especially with relapses - always weeks of lies and deceit. But this I must try to understand and I make sure I practice forgiveness regularly. IMHO the lies come from shame, guilt and fear. Only love prevails.

I was an emotional wreck at times, but my emotional outbursts only reduced our bond and created a fear withing my BF to share his difficult moments with me. He is now on his 3rd reboot, 14 days in and I'm working on gaining his trust again; so he can trust in my love and feel safe; free of judgment. My down days and negative feelings only made my SO feel worse, he did not want to burden or hurt me by admitting "failures" (his term, not mine....I prefer stumbles).

I never 'name called' or abused him in anyway, or even blamed him - because I understand compulsion, but I reacted badly to lies, secrecy and choices of P. It's really the only hard thing to bare.

Yes, I've had insecurities and many, many questions - but this all adds to his sinking feeling of being judged and ashamed. It was this cycle of feeling judgment and shame...which leads to low moods, depression and negative thoughts - which lead to relapses. So I'm cutting the cycle - it's not about me, I of course have boundaries but it's about my BFs mental health and overall sense of self worth - one I want to build not make him question further.

Obviously, an SO goes through pain, suffering and feeling like **** - but when a couple is so close, feelings rub off and we must remain rational and separate the addict from 'the man/woman' we love and adore. YBOP helped me with this, even as a partner I believe it is crucial to understand the process of this addiction and it really helped me see more logically rather than emotionally. It's a great addition to our bookshelf! PAs and SOs may wish to look into Betrayal Trauma too - not looked into this myself but it's been suggested.

Sometimes, certain things cannot be forgiven, and I appreciate not everyone here has the same circumstances as us but...

An addict needs to take responsibility for their addiction, recovery, self help and their honesty with their SO...

And a partner, I personally feel should learn the addiction process too, understand as best we can the feelings of our suffering PA, attempt forgiveness and be patient. Education helped relieve some of my negative feelings and shock.

I wish you all the very best, and of course having a SO during this process has huge benefits; support, love, creating a greater bond, relearning intimacy, friendship, appreciation of the important things such as celebrating goals...DAY 1, 10, 1000 or dodging a relapse

Take care of each other, and strengthen the love you share! x

 

My husband, the PA, says this. I always thought he was trying to score some points with me. Fascinating.

Brilliant thoughts (I'm definitely not biased bc I agree with a lot of them ).
I'm interested in why some PAs continue to fantasize about other people & why some (re)turn to fantasies only containing their partner. I'll for sure watch this thread

 

As a SO, this is the best thing I have read from a partners perspective in a really long time.
Thank you

 

Does your job have insurance? Have you checked to see what providers are in network and what your copay would be? BE PROACTIVE.

If you have checked the insurance option already, there are FREE 12 step programs all over the country where you can find an AP called a sponsor. I'll be straight up with you, an AP of the opposite sex when you are a porn/sex addict is a stupid idea just asking for trouble. Do you think this would help your marriage at all? Do you think your wife would be comfortable with you talking to another woman about your problem with looking at/masturbating to images of other women? A male sponsor is an amazing AP if you are willing to be held accountable and do the steps.

No more excuses. Look up your nearest Sexaholics Anonymous or Sex Addicts Anonymous and find a meeting. Go to at least 6 meetings before you make up your mind if it's for you or not.

https://www.sa.org/ or https://saa-recovery.org/

 

A therapist is very different than an AP. Yes, you should be doing this for you, but you should also be doing this for her and your marriage. Do you not care about your wife in this? Do you not care about her feelings? Do you not care about how you have betrayed her? Your marriage will fail if you are only thinking of yourself.

 

I'm sorry to hear this.

 

Here's the thing...

It doesn't seem like you have fully invested in the recovery process and that you are not being truthful when you tell me that you have looked extensively. Why do I say this? Because both SA and SAA are international organizations. They have face to face meetings all over the world, in local languages, offered multiple times a week in most cities. It is right on both of their websites. If you can't make those meetings they have email/phone/voip meetings. They will connect you with a sponsor right away.

When someone is really looking for the help, they find it.

 

This drove me mad the first month of my husbands recovery. I really, really did not like his therapist because I felt like I was invincible. She kindly recommended a couple of betrayal books for me, suggested finding my own therapist, & vanished into thin air with my husband. It was a secret club I wasn't a part of & I really started to resent him & the therapist.
I found myself in this angry, sad, bi-polar type of cycle & I realized I could not live that way anymore & only I could fix that.
I read the books, saw my therapist, dug deep into my soul to find out what I needed to do to ensure I wouldn't get sucked into that cycle-> rediscover me; what makes me upset, happy, sad & learn from those fears & feelings.
It's definitely a work in progress, but I can't expect my husband to make me learn to embrace me; face my fears & triumphs as a stronger me, happier me, & a more knowledgeable me. It all starts with me, as it should. With time & self-discovery, my resentment for my husband & his therapist turned to admiration. They knew what they were doing by letting him focus on him....I was handed a map & keys to eventually find & join them.
I chose to make use of the map & keys I was handed to figure out my part in this crazy life. It's not easy, but every individual in this world can't give their all unless they give their all to themselves as well. Works both ways...
You are not a bad person for working on you; you are silently working on your marriage by doing so.

 

I find it concerning you can't find an AP on here. To answer your question I have found having a partner indispensible. I'm actually certain I wouldn't have progressed at all without her. I think loneliness and isolation would have made quitting porn impossible for me.