Does anybody else feel like you care and dont care at the same time?

I fight with this addiction for so long it feels like I dont care anymore. My emotions just arent there, I used to cry a lot after a relapse but now I just go on. I still feel bad, but its not enough to create determination/discipline to be a better fighter later.

It feels like Im ascending into an abyss where this doesnt matter at all, a place where its settled, where the winner is annouced, I lost forever and aslong as my owner wants me to jerk off I will do it because there is no reason to fight.

There are plenty of reasons. I just care less and less. About my testosterone, about exploited pornstars, about my mental health, about poor kids exposed to it at young age. What is happening with me?

Why I stopped feeling? Why it matters less and less to me but yet I still know that its wrong. It feels like im divided, like im two different guys in one body. One guy is evil and doesnt care about anything and he is taking over, and the guy that cares is so beaten up by the first guy all he can do is talk about it, in a case of confrotation he will lose very fast.

I wish it was over, I think I dont care but yet im here writting about it. What is happening?