Does having sex w/ wife delay recovery from PM ?

Discussion in 'Rebooting in a Relationship' started by Rudramast, Nov 14, 2017.

Does Having sex with my wife delay recovery from PM ?

  1. Yes

  2. No

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  1. Rudramast

    Rudramast Fapstronaut

    Hi everyone,

    I know this is a topic widely discussed and there are many schools of thoughts on this matter. But it's being really important for me to sort out know.
    I'm on my 12th day free from Porn and Masturbation.
    I had sex with my wife on Day 3 and 11.

    While before, I had porn images rushing through my head during sex with my wife, this has not happened last night at all (Day 11). I was entirely focused and conscious of the sole body of my wife. Nothing came to distract me from it.

    But here I am, trying to get rid of any roots that PM has upon my life and i'm wondering... Should I abstain from sex for 90 days ? I heard some people wait until the flat line.
    My wife isn't fond of it, but if i'm willing to abstain she told me she loves me and is prepared to abstain too.
    I noticed this morning that the urges and temptations are gone. And i'm not particularly feeling guilty of what happened last night. But my brain may just as well mislead me...

    I'd like to hear from you ladies and gentlemen how you handled this when a person in the couple (or both) were rebooting.

    Thank you all for being there me
    DIYAS1 likes this.
  2. Sounds like you're recovering pretty well.
    Rudramast and DIYAS1 like this.
  3. SpouseofPA

    SpouseofPA Fapstronaut

    i think it allows for chaser effect which makes your recovery longer.
    My hubby and i decided no PMOing for him for 90days. if there is any PIV there is not much movement. and its only at my request. other wise it is only pleasing me.
    Every time we did have PIV S he would look for a dopamine drip in someway shape or form.
    so thats when we decided no O for him either.
    but this is my experience.
    Rudramast and BBWolf000 like this.
  4. BBWolf000

    BBWolf000 Fapstronaut

    Hello and welcome! This is a great question and an important one to stay focused on during your reboot or recovery period. It is correct that everyone's journey on here is a personal one. A part of recovery might be debilitating to one addict and a breeze for another to handle. That being said, there are some universal challenges that come with NoFap. The Chaser Effect is one of these. If you aren't familiar with it I would encourage you to take some time and look into how this effects those who are sexually active during a reboot.

    Basically it boils down to this: Until your brain is recovered (or at least well into the process of recovery) it will associate any O with your old mental, neural network. Doesn't matter if it is an MO session or sex with your SO. The biggest benefit of a reboot is weakening these neural networks and creating new, stronger thought patterns that don't center on O, or the pleasure/pain principle. This takes time and commitment to change. Think of it like this:

    I want to lose weight so I start a diet. I'm dedicated to change, understand and want the benefits of being fit but I still want to binge on cookies every couple of days. It's not everyday, it's not nearly as often as before and I am moving in the right direction overall, so what harm can a handful of cookies really cause?

    For someone who doesn't struggle with addiction, this might be OK but for addicts, the harm is that even though the amount of time between pleasures has increased, the brain still knows that the coping mechanism of "cookies" is on the horizon. The carrot is just further ahead of the donkey. Our brains need to abstain because they can't handle a handful of cookies every couple of days. They need to see what a life without cookies is like to be able to honestly judge what kind of life they want to live.

    This kind of behavior elongates the recovery process too. You won't see benefits nearly as quickly and after each handful of cookies, its likely you'll open the door for possibility of self doubt to flood your mind with thoughts like What's the point anyway, I should just give up. My advice would be to get fit first, then consider how often and how many cookies you'd like to eat. Become a carrot-less donkey. Great job communicating with your SO. This will be very important for your continued progress and growth.

    and smile; You Can Do It!
    Last edited: Nov 14, 2017
  5. Zippal

    Zippal Fapstronaut

    Shortly to your question, I think "YES" it will delay but it doesn't mean that it is wrong, as other mentioned if you can handle chaser effect and you feel that you want to go this way than go, but I feel that 90 day reboot is better to clean up the mess in your brain and feel all the benefits more intensively.
    If the abstinence of sex could cause some troubles in your relation ship that might be maybe nice to have for example sex day every second,third? weekend so both of you will look forward to this day and to pleasure of each other. But I will recommend full reboot.

    And the end it is at both of you, btw. appreciate that you have such a great wife that helps you no matter what way you choose.
    Last edited: Nov 16, 2017
    Deleted Account and Rudramast like this.
  6. OptimusPehla

    OptimusPehla Fapstronaut


    This is an excellent question. I'm personally of the belief that it depends on what your ultimate purpose is. According to your signature, it is giving up PM entirely but still having O in your life. As long as the source of the O comes from your wife and no-one or nothing else, then I see no reason why having sex with her would delay your progress.

    I believe that getting rid of PM is a progressive journey and that as your days without it begin to pile up, the quality of your sex gets better. From what I've seen, the stages are:

    1. PMO
    2. O during sex with P in mind
    3. O during sex with occasional P in mind
    4. O during sex with no P in mind at all
    5. Being present during sex - focusing on her before you.

    Ultimately, the best advice I can give you was what my best man gave me "Great sex doesn't make a great marriage; it's a great marriage that makes for great sex". Focus on your relationship, ensure your wife is honest, compassionate, suppportive, challenging when need-be and you have yourself a great companion in the fight against PM.

    Good luck my brother!
    Rudramast and Zippal like this.
  7. Rudramast

    Rudramast Fapstronaut

    Thank you all for your kind words and intelligent input to my situation.
    It's been now 3 days since I had sex with my wife.
    I'm experiencing a very strong Chaser Effect. It's been 2 hellish day. I wasn't counting days free of PMO I had to count hours, because it was the only way for me to restrain from using PMO. I'm shaking and it's burning down there. I've been edging a little, but only for few seconds. Enough for me : I decided to lock up my computer and phone as soon as I get home...
    I talked to my wife and for her it is clear : She would rather abstain from sex for 90 days than seing me fall again in PMO or struggling harder for recovery. The fun part is that our 90 days abstinence are going to end just right for valentine's day :)
    Jennica likes this.
  8. BBWolf000

    BBWolf000 Fapstronaut

    I totally understand your train of thought but unfortunately this is a common misconception. The reason it does slow you down is because you are still feeding the beast. Right now, it doesn't matter if its MO or sex with your partner, your addiction needs it's fix. It's the same as suggesting that it's ok for an alcoholic early in recovery to have wine with dinner. The problem for them is the alcohol, no matter how/where it's consumed. The problem for SA's is the O, no matter how it's achieved. It is better to have sex with your partner instead of PMO? Absolutely yes, but I'm telling you, the road is much longer and tougher when you are spraying your seed every couple of days. Some of the clarity you find from a "Hard Mode" streak (for me it was around day 20) motivates you to continue when in a flat line or when battling the Chaser Effect.
    Rudramast likes this.
  9. TryingToHeal

    TryingToHeal Fapstronaut

    For my husband it was also about changing the mindset. Before he thought he needed to orgasm daily to feel "normal", needed to always pursue sex, it was the ultimate goal all the time always on his mind, etc. and now he sees that he doesn't. He is perfectly fine without orgasming morning and night every day. He is totally fine to not be pursuing sex all the time and just to let it happen when it happens (which oddly enough is more frequent for us now than it was before he had this mindset, I'm not always feeling pressured). The change in his mindset I think is what has helped him the most.
    Rudramast and BBWolf000 like this.
  10. CJEB

    CJEB Fapstronaut

    In my opinion, it depends on exactly where your sex together is standing. For example, I admitted my PMO addiction to my fiancée last year, and after a long reconciliation period, the love made between us was not solely focused on the elements that you would normally find in P. It became less and less centered on how quickly I could O before ED arose and more on just enjoying our sex together. I think the decision eventually leads to each person’s needs and habits. My temptations on relapsing didn’t come back until long past the six month mark. Others may have a different experience, but you should make that decision based on your own emotions. If your wife loves and supports you through this time without the need for sexual intercourse (and you are also worried about relapsing), take your time and try the 90 day strategy. However, there is nothing wrong with making yourself vulnerable and making love, so long as it is a selfless act based off an unconditional feeling you have for each other. Love, not sex.

    Best wishes to you and please keep us updated.
    Jennica likes this.
  11. Hopefulgirl

    Hopefulgirl Fapstronaut

    From what I have read and from personal experience, sex with your partner (absolutely no fantasizing about others) will help you to make new brain connections bonding you to her, not porn. You might want to try Karezza (slow sex with no O) to increase bonding hormones and increasing satisfaction. If you think of P while with your wife, you are just using her to masturbate.
    Also, you will probably find less of a chader effect if sex with your wife is emotionally satisfying.
    DIYAS1 likes this.
  12. osmowife

    osmowife Fapstronaut

    I wish I could see the answer to the poll without voting because I'm not knowledgeable enough to vote but I'd love to see the answer for others.

    I told my PA husband I wanted to do a hard reboot for a while. My mind was set on New Years. That was also angry wife talk. I'm going to leave the decision up to him. If he finds the chaser effect is a thing for him then I'll give it up too.

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