Yeah, my problem is decades long. It started as a teen, getting the rush as a 14 year old, buying adult magazines at the local convenience store. Having to ask that person behind the counter... first for a playboy, then penthouse, then something hardcore, and then even Playgirl. I got an adrenaline rush - the nervous feeling that the person behind the counter knew that I probably wasn't buying them just for the articles - I felt like I was exhibiting to them, and they were voyeuring into me, because it's clear what any teenager is doing iwth such magazines. The embarrassment of asking a young Caucasian guy for that playgirl spiked my adrenaline - I didn't dig men at all, but the rush was intense.
And it just continued to grow from there, over the last 30 years, doing all those things I've already admitted to here in this thread - those items you shared and more. I've found during my late night runs, that between a certain hour, I had great odds of catching people nude with their blinds open. I started staring in windows while hiding In the bushes. Lurking around parks where houses back onto them as those homeowners are less careful as they assume nobody is out there. Sneaking binoculars out with me. Fapping in the dark, watching women undress.
As I think about your feedback and what I originally said, to be honest, I would never fess up to my wife and would deny all of it. I sound like a creepy and serious sexual predator as I review all that again. But I am a normal guy otherwise - wife, kids, loving household.
How I am going to deal with myself?
So 6 days ago, I went to a psychologist for help. Not directly about my sexual behaviors, but because I felt like I have such a lull in my life - feelings of boredom in work, no goals for the next big thing in my life, and not really sure I could identify one. But I noticed the psychologist listed "sexual health" as an area of expertise. So as we got talking about my life, etc, I opened up and told her about this problem. She just let me talk. Asked probing questions, and nothing I said was too much, so to speak. It was therapeutic to be able to be truly honest with someone and know they would not tell anyone or professionally judge me.
But what she said to me was that she has seen many other men, sitting on the same couch as I was, where their marriage and family fell apart because of the exact same behavior. She said it wasn't necessarily the behavior itself that killed their marriages, but the betrayal - the hiding of the problem, their behavior for years, destruction of trust, etc. She said to me that at some point, if I continue, I will get caught - my house of cards will collapse. Whether that's because somebody calls the police, or our family friend tells my wife that she saw me fapping, or my mother-in-law mentions I sent nude photos to her or if I forget to close my browser tabs, and on and on.
She told me straight out that I am a high functioning sex addict, meaning that those close to me don't see an impact from my behavior yet. Life is great all around, except for my "dirty" secret that I manage at very discrete times.
She asked if I would consider attending a Sexaholics Anonymous meeting as she thought that it could provide me the support/fellowship I need on a regular basis and also help me understand that this is a problem. And that others have it to and struggle. But knowing that there's a team of people out there cheerleading for each other, I might get the support and encouragement I need.
She told me that I have a sexual addiction. Straight out told me. Hearing that from a professional who has dealt with many others who have ruined their relationships, hit me where it matters - both in my heart and head.
She also offered I come back for another appointment which I will do once I attend an SA meeting. To be honest, I am not sure SA is right for me - I went to their site and spoke to an individual, and it seems to have a religious influence to it, which is not what I want (I grew up going to a Catholic boys school and have had enough of religion, even though I fully respect those that live their faith). So I am here right now. I hope to sneak out to an SA meeting tomorrow night and assess it if it's a fit. And then book in with the psychologist either way.
I'm working on this day by day at this very moment, as it is very "fresh" for me right now.
Maybe your husband can see a professional (without you) and if he's willing to open up and express ALL of his behaviour to that professional so that they can properly understand the depth and breadth of the problem, that they can give him some realistic expectations of the path he is on. Perhaps hearing from someone who's not impacted by his behaviour, will shake some reality of what is at risk for him. Although I fully commend and admire you for all your efforts and reaching out here to better understand, I don't think he can be fully honest with you of his behavior. I know I will take my actions to the grave with me. And as long as he's having to water down the truth to respond to you, he may be training his brain to believe that he's getting away with this still and will continue to do it.
Telling the psychologist all the things I did - absolutely everything - gave her proper insight into my behavior, which means she can properly help me.
