It's the first time I jump into this section on the forums, and despite of the heated discussion the thread can assume sometimes, I have to thank you all, literally all of you for your posts, because I'm feeling that the depth of this discussion is helping me fight my addiction in a new way. Visiting the same forum sections I was used to, I felt like I was stuck, reading no new perspectives I could use to understand myself and my personal struggle.
I think that each one of us are a sum of our personal experiences, and that's why sometimes it may seem like we are disagreeing on some point or another: sometimes our personal experiences are so clear to ourselves that we truly think that we have explained ourselves clearly, but actually our words can be misunderstood by the other readers. And I think it's the case on these topic.
Anyway, I have to say, nonetheless, that it's being good for me, and I sincerely hope it's the general feeling for everyone.
I liked very much the posts from
@JKnight ,
@Castielle and
@AnonymousAnnaXOXO . Each of your posts has been very useful for amplifying my understanding and you can make sure that all of you made yourself clear enough, in a way that I can see we all agree in the same point, all guided by our personal experiences.
- how you treat the other person outside of this urge? if the affection and other actions that prepares for the sex is an overflow for the normal affection given, and that after the sex, there is still an amount of love and affection, then it is healthy. If the affection is reserved only for this act, then it is addiction
- Your attitude during. Do you have a desire to benefit and show love to your partner or are you you-focused? You can make the other person feel good but still be selfish.
- How replaceable is your partner? You obviously want sex and it makes sense to do that with your partner, but if they weren't willing, would you abstain or would you find other means? healthy sex drive should be about wanting to be with your partner rather than the need to have sex.
The questions above are really good to help me understand the difference between urge and libido, and my answers for them are good to reassure that my feeling towards my wife are true and healthy: I definitely don't see or use her as an object. I have to honest, however, to the last question: sometimes my craving for sex is too strong, but, if she doesn't want, that's it: I never forced her. In occasions like that, sometimes, I had relapsed, PMOing, and felt really bad for it after; when she wants it, however, I never thought of sex as a substitute to porn. It's really good for itself, for what it is.
When I want and she does not, it's difficult for me, and I know I'll have to face urges and be strong to beat them later. I am learning how to deal with that, in order to not feed my porn addiction.
Addiction is about escape... not about horniness
That's clarifying too... I can use that as base to understand my addiction in P, or even question if I'm addicted to it: here is my point: I always used P to release sexual tension; that's so true that when I want just to release, I always only use vanilla nudes pics. In ocasions like that, I don't even like to use sex videos; however, after using P for release, in general it leads me to heavier stuff: sex videos; that worries me, cause I know that these urges are different from the first ones I mentioned [just release sexual tension]. Maybe I'm not addicted to P, but I can get addicted to it if I start using P only to release, and that worries me; also, when I get into a "relapse strike", [initiated by an urge for sexual tension release], I notice that the nude pics I first used don't have more effect and sex with my wife is not so pleasing. That's what I mean: not being PA, but using P [even "light" P] can, maybe, lead you to PA, with all it's bad consequences.
I don't know how many SO's would be happy to jump into bed with the PA who destryoed and cheated on them when the PA is urging for porn, and then sex can just be using the SO and porn in their head
I understand your point. That said, your first posts make more sense to me, and this is a different context which I and
@Castielle were talking about, I guess [pardon me if I'm wrong]. From what I read from her, I think her posts were not considering this specif context, neither mine: me and my wife didn't passed by a cheating situation, and that's a huge perspective changing. I think it would be really natural for me to be asking myself, everytime I had sex with my partner, if she is using me just as an object to satisfy her needs, if I found out that she has cheated on me, justifying it on the fact that the cheat was "only" to satisfy her needs, that "there was no love", things like that... that's a natural response to a situation like that. That's why I say it's a huge perspective change.
(guys, I'm brazilian, not a native english speaker, I hope you understand what I mean, it's difficult for me to express what I really wanna say)
As to sex for sex's sake... that can happen in HEALTHY relationships. When there is the amount of trauma, abuse, and damage that are in our relationships it's hard to have sex for sex's sake until real healing has occured
Agree to that, completely. That's what I was trying to say upthere.
Guys, thank you! I'll visit this section more often. It's really helping me in a new and higher level.
For what I've already read from other PA in other forums, there are several "levels" of PA. There are so many different levels, that I'm not even sure if it's possible to talk about a majority; it's really case to case: I don't understand completely my addiction. Reading from you, specially from the other part, the partners of PA is really helpfull in order to make me understand MY porn addiction. Understanding makes it easier to beat it and the urges [and the addiction itself], which certainly will lead my relationship with my wife to a better place.
