Does the label "porn addict" remain useful long into recovery?

[kropo82]

Like most of us here I am a porn addict.

And yet the last time I looked at porn was October 2016, more than 1,000 days ago.

So is it still useful for me to describe myself (and think of myself) as an addict? Do you see yourself carrying that label forever, or is it something you plan to cast aside? Why?

 

[kropo82]

I've been discussing this with @010010010100000101001101 in my journal. It started with me reflecting on a piece of ministry I heard in Quaker Meeting.

One piece of spoken ministry was about the difference between shame and guilt. The woman speaking compared shame, which she felt was about you as a person and was not useful with guilt, which is about our actions and might be useful if it leads to responsibility and accountability. She wasn't talking about addiction, but it made me think. Because we do use a word like addict which can move the focus away from our actions (I consume pornography) to our self (I am an addict). And yet accepting that label does feel useful to me.

Both are judgements/condemnations. Shame is judgement/condemnation of something that you are, guilt is judgement/condemnation of something that you did. Therefore, if you identify as being a something, based on the way you act, you then leave opening in the background for that action to manifest. But you can take certain action without tying it to your identity.

That ties your behavior to you, therefore you are never free of it. It becomes like a cycle of self fulfilling prophecy, because for an addict to be an addict he needs to be addicted to something. If he would stop being addicted he would not be addict anymore, would he? So keeping to label yourself as addict keeps you addicted.

why do you think you feel it's useful for you to see yourself as an addict? Does it gives you comfort? Leaves open possibility to fail - a good excuse to pull out in case of failure? Maybe keeps some pressure off? I wonder, what's so useful in that label?

The opposite really, if I'm an addict then despite my long sobriety I need to remain vigilant, because I know porn will always be something I need to work against. If it was just something I did, then I've put that behind me now and I can let go. I think it is safer for me to see myself as an addict and thus stay vigilant.

I think there is difference between being and addict and being addicted though. We can be vigilant and aware of our flaws without letting them define us. For me I know it's better to let go, because then my subconscious won't have to live up to my identity as an addict. Past does not define me, my choices at this present moment do. I think we can learn from past while at the same time letting go if it.

Then I brought up the discussion with my therapist

She asked how it would feel if instead of celebrating 1,000 days of sobriety I celebrated 1,000 days investment in my relationship? I guess we could take that further as 1,000 days investment in my voyage of self-discovery.

 

[Deleted Account]

It's a matter of opinion and it depends on the individual how they label themselves.

I look at myself as a recovering Porn addict, which puts it in a different category than say someone who is addicted yet not trying to recover. I don't think I'll ever cast it aside completely, because the addiction is so ingrained, with me at least.

I too have been over 1000 days, from February 2016 through to early this year.. Even during this period I didn't consider myself free of addiction, but I was (and still am) changing and fighting against its hold on my life.

Congratulations on getting past 1000 days, I believe that is something worth celebrating, and it's great that you still have a focus on being free of this problem as well as helping others.

To answer your question: I believe it is useful to have the label of recovering addict as long as you have the problem. Which in some cases, like my own, is forever.

 

[Deleted Account]

@kropo82 Well, I suppose you can guess what option in the poll I voted for.

 

[ultrafabber]

"Always an addict" is the most destructive thing ever invented in addiction programs. It chips away at your will power, quality of life and so much more and is detrimental to the recovery process.

You can certainly be severely addicted AND remain addicted for the rest of your life if you don't fix the problem.

The issue is that the current "abstinence only" approach to addiction is extremely flawed, the true treatment for an addiction is exposure therapy.

I've written how that applies to PMO addiction here: https://www.nofap.com/forum/index.p...need-to-watch-porn-in-a-different-way.235748/

 

[bigboibez]

you're not an addict, youre (or were) a person with an addiction. 1000 days clean theres no way you're addicted. as soon as you stop PMOing, you're no longer an addict.

 

[Deleted Account]

The issue is that the current "abstinence only" approach to addiction is extremely flawed

You're right I can see how that could be detrimental in the long run, but this isn't the only approach people use. This is not just about abstinence, it's about recovery. It's about undoing what the supernormal stimulus has done to our brains and lives by forming individual techniques to change that.

You can say it's flawed and in your case it may be, in the case of someone else it may not be flawed.

the true treatment for an addiction is exposure therapy.

One approach is no better than another. I believe if something works for you go for it, but don't expect it to work for someone else. There is no silver bullet for this..

If you honestly believe one single method of recovery will help as a treatment for every person with this addiction, I don't agree.

"Always an addict" is the most destructive thing ever invented in addiction programs.

You're free to have that opinion. I believe it can go either way, it can be either/and/or constructive or destructive, depending on the individual.

 

[thorswrath32]

It's an interesting question and i think it depends on the individual and how they percieve the word 'addict'

For me personally, I am from the 12 step way of thinking. Disease of the mind and allergy of the body, now i know that might not be scientifically or medically correct but 12 steps is a moral psychology program not a technical scientific one. For me, it has worked wonders and instilled in me some helpful ways of thinking.

I will always be 'an addict' in that the way my brain deals with extreme stimulus like porn, drugs and alcohol will never change. The thing i CAN change is the choice whether to use or not. I've come to accept that it is like a person with a nut allergy who is also a nut addict if that makes sense.

I feel no shame in being an addict. the only shame i have is the things i did whilst i was in the throws of addiction. I've known many people who have really struggled with the concept that they might be an addict, mostly it's denial and self preservation but to others on the outside it's obvious. I think for many, the realisation that they may be an 'addict' conjours up an image of failure but in my eyes an addict who has overcome their bad ways is a success and let's face it we all fail our way to success.

In your conversation thread it mentions keeping the word addict in your mind keeps you addicted like a self fulfilling prophecy. For some people who are still in their early days of recovery and feeling defeatest and down trodden still then i agree that this mentality can lead to relapses because they might think 'well it's hopeless, i'm an addict' but further down the line something happens to those who recover successfully and the internal narrative changes to 'i can't do that, i'm an addict' when faced with temptation

 

[Robinthehood]

To me this porn addiction is/ was a symptom. A symptom of a huge lack of love for myself, respect for myself, loneliness, not being able to ask for help, social awkwardness, unresolved grief and trauma, feelings of isolation, a skewed upbringing especially regarding sex education and sex as a normal,healthy activity and more... For me the focus is not on labelling myself a porn addict or bizarro porn guy jerking off to weird shit like a zombie. My focus is on the problems behind it. Of course doing no pmo for 90 days is going to be tough just because of the normal arousal states that happen and then it's really hard but can be overcome with will power and distraction. I'd rather label myself an ' in need of more love guy' or being a ' being kinder to myself addict'. For me that is the healthier approach and at the end of the day I think the most efficacious. And I guess that's what it comes down to, whatever works for you to get away from that mind killing,body rotting activity of fapping to porn like a monkey. Get some distance and time between you and the last time you were pmoing, Ive a step brother who was in the AA, he did have a serious drink problem and he did an incredible job of recovery and all that entails. But I felt so sorry for him that they have to forever be labelled an addict, an alcoholic. To me that mindset is all wrong though I do understand it's practicality. With some things you can't let your guard down and you have to remain vigilant. Bit I think there's a line between that state and being able to trust and rely on yourself that you won't relapse, that you are in charge and in control of your actions and behaviour. And I believe that ability all comes down to self love. These addictions are caused by a chronic lack of love, bottom line, a wish to hurt oneself with harmful behaviour, caused by shame and guilt, wherever that stems from.

 

[kropo82]

I look at myself as a recovering Porn addict, which puts it in a different category than say someone who is addicted yet not trying to recover. I don't think I'll ever cast it aside completely, because the addiction is so ingrained, with me at least. [...] I too have been over 1000 days, from February 2016 through to early this year.. Even during this period I didn't consider myself free of addiction, but I was (and still am) changing and fighting against its hold on my life.

To answer your question: I believe it is useful to have the label of recovering addict as long as you have the problem. Which in some cases, like my own, is forever.

Thanks @LS00111, this is how I feel. 1,000 days may sound like loads, but I know I need to stay vigilant. This is not just me overcoming a bad habit, it goes way deeper than that.

 

[ultrafabber]

You're free to have that opinion. I believe it can go either way, it can be either/and/or constructive or destructive, depending on the individual.

You're free to have that opinion as well, it's just that you'd be incorrect. "Always and addict" is a very bad approach, exposure therapy is the only thing that really works. Abstinence just reinforces the reward. You can read more about it here https://www.nofap.com/forum/index.p...need-to-watch-porn-in-a-different-way.235748/

 

[kropo82]

I've just been watching a Stephanie Carnes video where she talks about Compulsive and Addictive Sexual Behaviour. She ends with something relevant to this thread:

We say for addicts we usually look at recovery is a three to five year process of intensive work, and then it's ongoing, you know, people in recovery continue to maintain their work on themselves, and so it is a lifetime process.

She's talking about sex addiction, not porn addiction, but I guess the same applies.

 

[kropo82]

I asked this same question on twitter (here) and got an interesting response from Fight The New Drug. They pointed me to this article:



At first I was disappointed because it read like another one of those porn-addiction-is-not-a-thing articles. It starts looking at the fears of parents who discover that their kids have been watching pornography and jump to the conclusion that the kids are addicted:

After finishing an FTND [Fight The New Drug] presentation to parents, a mother pulls us aside with great emotion and desperation, telling us that they discovered their 12-year-old child is “addicted to pornography” after checking the browser history on the computer one day. These parents are completely sincere, and acting with the utmost loving of intentions in supporting their son or daughter. But they are also missing three huge realities.

These are the three huge realities they are talking about:

1. Dramatic reactions pretty much never help a person struggling with pornography.
I just don't agree with this one, though I can see where the people at Fight the New Drug are coming from; another article, How to Talk About Porn’s Harms Without Sounding Like a Jerk, gives an insight into why this is important to them. Here, on NoFap, we are porn addicts (and our partners) who are all desperate to get porn out of our lives. We can pretty much take it for granted that criticising porn use is OK. But what if we took some of the conversations we have here and tried having them with our acquaintances, colleagues, or friends? Then we would be wise to adopt a more forgiving tone. The people at Fight the New Drug are doing exactly that. They are visible ambassadors against the harm porn is doing to society and to love. I wish I was half as brave as them. But I'm not.


2. Let’s be thoughtful about what “addiction” actually is.

Experts have pointed out that while some individuals can become addicted to porn, the majority of porn consumers are not addicted. [2] If we move too quickly and assume that any involvement with porn is an addiction, we actually are going to shut down our ability to have openness and dialogue, and often the problem goes unaddressed for several years. Plus, many of the harms of porn, such as objectifying others, unrealistic expectations, and keeping secrets, can happen whether a person is addicted or not.

3. Addiction means different things to different people.
This is where the article starts to get more nuanced and is very relevant to this thread.

On one hand are those who experience the term as disempowering. They feel it means that change is not possible and are weighed down by such a heavy term to describe their struggles. But on the other hand, there are those who experience the word addiction as empowering and illuminating of their situation. For many, this term constitutes the beginning of a deeper search for help and self-understanding. This process leads them to finding greater degrees of freedom.

I think that sums up nicely why some of us want to distance ourselves from identifying as addicts, and some of us (like me) embrace it.

Let’s make space to allow the individual who is struggling to define their own problem with whatever language most resonates with them: “habit,” “compulsion,” “problem,” “struggle,” “challenge,” “addiction”—or any other term that they can relate to!

You can read the whole article here: https://fightthenewdrug.org/word-addiction-overused/

(N.B. The links to other Fight the New Drug articles included through the article are well worth clicking through. I had forgotten what an amazing source of motivation-renewing insights there are on their site.)

 

[Hros]

Personally, while currently I see myself as a recovering addict, when I feel healed enough, I'm hoping I'll put everything behind me and just consider myself a regular, normal person.

 

[Deleted Account]

I'm closing in on 2 years. For me personally, as long as I keep coming here and think about porn, abstaining from it and all of that, I'm considering myself an addict. Because I was seriously addicted and the withdrawal hasn't been pretty.
I'm not considering nofap a safe haven or a crutch, but this website is definitely useful in that it provides insight and motivation to quit, at the same time I want to share experiences with others and provide them with the info they need.

Perhaps you could say that as long as you keep thinking about porn and keep coming back here, you're not completely out of the woods yet. Unless of course you keep coming back for fun and want to help out others, that's the direction I want to go in and I feel that I'm slowly getting there. But at the same time it's dangerous to think of yourself as completely recovered before the 3 or 4 year mark I would say. The brain just needs a really long time away from all that stimulation to completely reboot after a decade of almost daily use.

 

[Jerky]

For me i have to keep reminding myself that i am indeed an addict. If i forget, and decide to 'look at just one' or that 'i can handle it now', i will right back where i started, with 0 days.

For me, i am an addict, for life.

 

[IGY]

For me, i am an addict, for life.

I am an addict. I have had enormous streaks, with my personal best being 454 days. Yet here I am building a new streak. Tbh, it is a no brainer. I am diabetic; I am epileptic; I am a depressive. I perceive no weight with those labels. But I live with them and manage them.

 

[kropo82]

I am an addict. I have had enormous streaks, with my personal best being 454 days. Yet here I am building a new streak. Tbh, it is a no brainer. I am diabetic; I am epileptic; I am a depressive. I perceive no weight with those labels. But I live with them and manage them.

That's a different angle. I'd assumed it was the weight that was at issue: does the weight of the word help or hinder our continued sobriety. Accepting the word but denying its weight is interesting.

 

[Fenix Rising]

Labeling anyone and especially yourself as an addict has such a negative connotation. No one should be called an addict, but rather a person with addiction problem. PMO addiction is just a highly dopamine rewarding deep learned behavior, like so many others. People are addicted to food, shopping, gambling, caffeine, nicotine, sex, alcohol, drugs, social media, internet... you name it. Why would you shame yourself by calling yourself an addict once you have gained control over your compulsion? You should be calling yourself a strong person who had problems with addictive compulsive behavior in the past, but has overcome it by self-discipline and determination. We should always stay humble and vigilant, BUT also be proud that we managed to climb out of the PMO rabbit hole. We deserve a medal not an addict label!

 

[kropo82]

Why would you shame yourself by calling yourself an addict once you have gained control over your compulsion?

Because it stops me thinking "job done", it keeps me vigilant.