Doing NoFap for sex, dissapointed after 90 days. But looking for answers regarding Sext and Hookups

Discussion in 'Problematic Sexual Behavior' started by LavalierMic, Mar 27, 2023.

  1. LavalierMic

    LavalierMic Fapstronaut

    After several tries, last year from Sep to Nov, I finally made it through to 90 days of NoFap!

    However, I was very disappointed because the benefit which I had read and so desired most did not come true.

    For some background information, I just turned 30 last year and have not ever been in a long term committed relationship with sex. I have not even kissed a girl before.
    I have been wanting to have a girlfriend who I am very attracted to so that we can enjoy sex together.

    However, this benefit which I has hoped for did not come true...

    Although I must say the benefits of a better mood and increased productivity were definitely there.

    I am also feeling very dejected by women on dating apps, and dating in general. I like to Sext, and I dont know if there are girls who just want to Sext or Hookup for fun, or if they are always looking for something serious only. They seem to send mixed signals, and I end up very confused and frustrated sexually.
    Some women do respond to Sexts, and they show interest and excitement.
    But overall I have not succeeded in making anything real.

    I am tempted to just take the easy route and go to a masseuse or look for paid sex to quench my desires and "get it out of my system".

    Im wondering Fapstronauts,

    - is it really true that Edging while on NoFap is not counted as a streak at all?
    - Or am I placing too high expectations on NoFap to achieve my relationship desires?
    - are my understandings of girls liking to Sext and Hookup realistic?

    I understand this may sound very depressing but Im not here to discourage, in fact, I am looking for any sharings as to whether I am doing something wrong, how I can improve and if any experienced Fapstonauts have gone through similar and have perspective on the situation

    Looking forward to hearing u
    Last edited: Mar 27, 2023
  2. IR254

    IR254 Fapstronaut

    Oh, dude. I think you might have fallen victim to a classical misunderstanding of what NoFap is and what it's able to do for you. I know there are these great stories out there, which tell you that you gain "superpowers" if you're on NoFap and how you'll become a chick-magnet and all of that. And these stories are not entirely baseless BUT they are not what many people think they are:
    1. NoFap is not some trend, that you do because it's currently in style. It's not some self-improvement strategy, that you do cause you feel like it. NoFap - in its core - is addiction recovery. Recovery from porn addiction. So, don't expect much change out of this if you are not addicted to porn. That's just not what NoFap is meant to be.

    2. These so called "superpowers" are not actually superpowers, they are simply the ability to function like any normal, non-addicted person would by default. But when porn addicts - addicts in general for that matter - finally manage to get out of their own little hell and they start functioning normally again for the first time in a very long time - not rarely many years or even decades - it can certainly feel like they really gained superpowers. But in reality, they just climbed back up to baseline from a pit, that was deep. That combined with a sense of achievement because you managed to stay clean for a prolonged period of time, can evelevate the status quo to a level, which you forgot it even existed. That can start a positive loop, where you spiral yourself upwards at a rapid rate.

    3. Just not watching porn and jerking off isn't enough to turn your life around and it was never meant to be. Cutting those things out only allows you to gain enough energy and momentum to do the actual work, which is necessary to build up yourself. Relationships will not fall out of the sky, job opportunities will not knock on your door, self-respect will not simply pop out of thin air. You gotta put in the work. And NoFap is meant to enable you to start the process. People in active addiction usually are in such bad shape, that doing anything hard seems pretty much impossible and so they don't even try. That is, what NoFap is meant to address. It's one piece to a much bigger puzzle and not some miracle cure.

    Porn in any way, shape or form is completely out the picture, that's the most basic idea of NoFap. And despite the somewhat misleading name, when it comes to masturbation, you could argue that masturbating without porn can be okay in some circumstances. However, most people would probably say you shouldn't masturbate at all while you're still in the process of getting away from your addiction. But when it comes to edging, pretty much everybody here agrees: You ain't doing NoFap, bro. You can't claim "to be on NoFap" when you edge on a regular basis. That's just not how any of this works and shows that you haven't done your research properly, when it comes to the neurological mechanism behind addiction and NoFap. If you did, you would realize how backwards that thinking is.

    Probably, yes. Or at least, you're expecting the wrong things out of this.

    Well, of course there will be some women, who are interested in sexting and hookups and don't look for anything more than that. But there will also be women, who want nothing to do with sexting and hookups, especially with strangers they don't know. There will always be some people, who look for the same things as you are. But how many? I don't know. But I think you need to start at yourself, dude. Not trying to rub salt in your wounds but if you're 30 and haven't kissed anybody in your enire life, you're doing something wrong without a doubt. If all women rejected you for 30 years, it's not the womens fault. It's you. I don't know you, so I can't tell you what it might be but I think you maybe have some ideas, don't you? Fix yourself first, then look for a partner. You won't be any good for them in this shape, even if you found them. Prepare yourself and when they time comes, be ready. That's what luck is: When preparation meets opportunity. Just looking for a quick hookup to "get it out of your system" as you put it, isn't what you need I think.

    It will not be out of your system, but you will regret taking the easy path. Don't do that. Respect yourself a little bit, dude.

    Good luck.
  3. LavalierMic

    LavalierMic Fapstronaut

    Hey man IR254,

    Thank you for your thoughtful reply in addressing some of my concerns.
    Yes while the NoFap 90 really did rid me of my porn addiction issues.
    Previously when I was bored and had nothing to do, my fingers would just automatically move to type in the porn website into the search bar. It is now no longer the case.
    Watching porn and wanking off to it for hours is just degenerate and lame.

    As to the girls, I dont know man. I just havent really found someone who I am satisfied with.
    - I dont think myself capable of "handling" the girl because I have been insecure about my career future and financial status.
    - Or I dont find her pretty enough and dont feel attracted to her sexually

    I guess, I need to spend more time on my finances and career.

    Truly appreciate your tips,
    & Im so glad to have received your feedback at this time
    Bradziggler1990 likes this.
  4. JustinX

    JustinX Fapstronaut

    Yes too high. NoFap wont fix your relationship ability issues, at best if gives you energy and motivation to address it.

    I will tell it totally blunt: if you didnt have a girlfriend for 30 years, not even kissed a girl there is something broken with you. So it is up to you to fix it. I dont know you but you should be able to able to identify your weaknesses and work on them.
    If you dont know to fix some weaknesses just put it into google. For example: "how to be sociable book", "how to be funny book", "how to deal with childhood trauma book","how to achieve intimacy book", "how to be people magnet book", how to talk to anyone book" and so on. Pick one that has very high rating. Work on your weaknesses one by one.
    Again yes, completely unrealistic. If you start to sext a girl or send her a dick pick you achieve nothing. Zero. Nada. If you want to hookup with girl you literary need to treat her as your date/potential girlfriend, have fun, just escalate more rapidly on the same date (4-7 hours) all the way (again something that needs to be learned). Maybe after you had sex with her then you can start sending her sexts to get second round planned. But not before.

    PS: all those apps for hooking up, it is doggy dog world, unless you have reputation (millionaire, famous rockstar, singer, big youtuber, famous insta, etc), it is very ineffective eventhough you have the looks. It just takes too long and too much effort compared when you approach somebody in person or get somebody in bar/club (my preference).

    One of my past hookup girls from club showed me her tinder and she was literary messaging there with 100 guys (no exaggeration). No shit she was just writing very short responses because she didnt have time to invest and didnt care if she dropped somebody. Sad reality. That's what I meant with doggy dog world.
    Last edited: Mar 30, 2023
    uplift and Positive Psychology like this.

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