Today I had to stop myself from harming myself. I mean, I wasn't even that depressed. I was just angry. Angry at the world and I wanted the world to suffer. So the best thing that came to mind was to buy bottles of booze, a big knife and enough pills to kill an Elephant. But then I came to my senses again and started asking myself what the fuck I am doing on my way to the railroad track with bottles of booze. I called the emergency hotline but hung up because what I was about to do just sounded too stupid. Then I walked back home and now I am a little worried. I have no idea what happened. I just snapped without any particular reason. I am not even sure if I knew what I wanted. It was as if I wasn't even there. Something else was in control of me for a little while. I guess if I snap like this again tonight, I am calling some hotline. I am not sure what this is but apparently you can be suicidal without really being depressed which is scary.
Young men are the number one group for that kind of thing, so don't worry too much. Men like to fix things, women also but often in a different way, and the suicide idea is sort of fixing things. But it's also quitting, and it seems you don't really want that. So, keep going. There's a reason you are on this site, but more widely a reason you are thinking about things. I think that reason is your ability to do better. The people that want the better for you don't want to see a decapitated corpse, and you don't want to be one. Learn, try, move forward. God bless.
I'd say get help, but mentioning suicidal tendencies or thoughts runs the risk of them locking you up in a mental ward and I've seen just how corrupt, unprofessional and evil they are there - they were killing my sister with experimental medication with unknown effects, cut out parts of a video conference about them saying so when we reported them, and also kidnapped my dad for 'delusional disorder' after reporting them (my sister and dad eventually got out luckily). I also met a 50+ year old there who's been there for like 20 years and all they were doing was drugging the shit out of him - no therapy, no courtesy, no care; nothing. If you have to go to one, do it as an ABSOLUTE LAST RESORT and make sure you voluntarily emit so they can't legally keep you there against your will.
What a great victory to have snapped yourself out of self-harm - and now you know you can do and repeat that. That's great progress in itself and actual rewiring of the brain to respond differently at such times than self-harming. Plus, you know who to call if you can't. .
You need to learn to self forgives you and forgives people that made you suffer. God loves you. Try to be more grateful in small things like your family, friends, job, etc.
One addiction leads to another. You are not alone. If you are going to grab a bottle of booze and some pills, try grabbing an AA meeting. Go sit in there for a couple of weeks and still do this, you will find out a whole bunch about yourself. Stay strong, but dust yourself off and keep getting back up.
Been somewhere along these lines. Maybe not quite the same circumstances, but the same flavor. Best advice I can give you--if it's crappy life circumstances that are causing your suicidal ideation, that is--is to focus on what you have control over and try and fix the problems one at a time. In my mind, I'd rather go down swinging. Once I've done all I could humanly do, then I may start going down this road again. But only after I've done everything in my power to try and fix my life. Even if that means doing crap that scares the shit out of me, like huge social gatherings and...god forbid...dancing, singing, or speaking in public. I'd rather die on my feet than live on my knees (to fear), y'know? And you know how to eat an elephant, right? ...one bite at a time (it's an old joke/saying). So eat elephants (your problems), don't kill them with pills However, I'm not a professional and have baggage of my own and you probably shouldn't listen to me. You should probably consider seeing a professional who is much wiser than me and can help you out in better ways than we on this forum ever could.
I guess I can continue on this one instead of making a new thread. I am under some sort of low level protection and have been so for several years. They visit me 1 hour a day to check in on me and talk. And I talk with a specialist two times a week. Today she made me read from one of my many diaries. I was exhausted all day afterwards. I didnt handle that trip down memory lane well. She is confident I have CPTSD and maybe multiple personality disorder, schizophrenia or both. She found me so interesting that she have enrolled me into a scientific research program for the last 3 years. After 3 years she is still unsure of what diagnosis to give me. She says my scores are trough the roof on CPTSD but that I have symptoms of several other disorders as well. She believes it is all trauma related even if I end up with several diagnoses in the end.
Sometimes I wonder about myself....*shrugs* It's good you've got some solid systems in place. And seems like they are heading in the right direction. Keep battling through the trauma. One day at a time, my friend. Good luck!
Crazy story. Great share and great ending! Ever thought about looking into the role 'trauma' is playing in all this? Great book out there called: Walking the Tiger: Healing Trauma by Peter A Levine. A good read actually. Really well written and explained. There's also the work of Dr Gabor Mate who has some great youtube videos and a series of books. Both these guys are leaders in their fields.
