Don't know if I'm right here, but I'll try

Discussion in 'Rebooting - Porn Addiction Recovery' started by footballfan, Mar 8, 2016.

  1. footballfan

    footballfan New Fapstronaut

    Hi guys,

    I heard about nofap earlier this year and quit PMO 25 days ago.
    I don't even know if I should be here, which is why I really need your help.

    I am 21 years old and did PMO quite regularly every night before going to sleep (sometimes even twice a night) for a couple of years. (Can't really tell when I started watching porn, must have been something around 15, started masturbating at around 12). I have only been a handful of times with girls and it never was really successful. Last time was in october 2015, tried to have a one night stand, got hard after very long foreplay, put the condom on and boom. Lost my erection and went home. SO embarrassing!
    Quit PMO for a week cause I read somewhere that it helps to have success in bed (not on nofap). Then went back to MO and then to the same old PMO routine.
    Then I met someone in february 2016. She's really interested in me, we were texting a lot until I realized hey I could have a shot and actually go out with her and hopefully have sex. But then I remembered: I've never had successful sex and last time was so as I said embarrassing. So I thought about it and came to the conclusion that I should quit PMO for some time and then ask her out. But then I thought about it more and considered that if everything goes well it will still go wrong! Even if we'd end up in bed and even if I'd get an erection I'd probably lose it anyways, leading to another embarrassment and feeling even worse.
    After 7 days not PMOing I came across nofap and thought this might be my solution! I read about all the benefits it can have (higher confidence, healing ED). So I gave it a try and now I'm on day 26.

    But the PROBLEM is that I don't know what the PROBLEM is.

    I've always been a very performance-oriented person no matter whether in school or in sports. A couple of days ago I read on yourbrainonporn that rebooting won't help if you're just suffering from sexual performance anxiety. Since week 3 I fell into a REALLY big depression and I'm REALLY having big trouble with anxiety. I'm thinking and thinking and thinking about this whole thing. It's like I can just feel how unconfident and sad I am. Maybe I'm just not suffering from PIED and nofap won't help me. I mean I've never had big trouble not PMOing for some days, I'm also able to MO without P (takes longer, just need to fantasize more, but porn always made it easier). So this is why I'm now thinking: Am I right here at nofap? Or are the roots deeper than porn and I'm suffering from psychological performance anxieties? (Which would mean that I could go back to MO or PMO, because as I said most sources say performance anxiety cannot be healed by a reboot and I would have to go and see a sexual therapist or something)

    Also, I'm constantly thinking about whether I should ask the girl out because I really would need some success in my life. But on the other hand I'm thinking that if it fails (which is more probable) I'm gonna be even more disappointed and desperate.

    Hope there is someone who's gone through a comparable situation and can help me with some advice!
  2. ziodeg

    ziodeg Fapstronaut

    Hi! hope you are fine
    there are some things to focus IMHO:
    1. If you are here, I think that you somehow feel that PMO could be a problem. Maybe it's not direcly connected with a physiological problem, but if you feel not good because of PMO this may affect your life. Not only in its sexual part. I had a "normal" sexual life but it was a total mental and physical limitation.
    2. Anxiety. The beast of our times.
    2.1 General - Relationship anxiety. If you are insicure before going out with someone, then thinking of having sex is f****g stressful. Go outside. If you think that it could be important, beat PMO. It will be the first fight against your fears. In this years we think way too much in some case. Do something. Gardening, videogames, i dunno. But make a to do list and start doing. "don't let your dreams be dreams. JUST DO IT" (Shia. knows. things.). Concentrate not on the result but on the process. Don't buil imaginary scenarios, observe what you can clearly see. The result of everything will be better as well.
    2.2 Sexual Performance Anxiety. Everyone has bad days. And you could have a bad days when you had sex, who knows?... You are not just your sexual performances. And if your partner knows you, she will notice that. And if you know her, you will be way less stressed. If this scares you, be patient. You are not a machine, you are a human. And maybe your sensibility is seeking for a real deep and true connection that is way more deep than sex for its sake. In the case know each other, talk. Even about sex. Even about PMO. Grow toghether. There will be a moment where only your union will be the expression of your love.
    3. Depression... Use this word wisely. Stressed, messed up, fucked up, anxious... those are normal reactions, because life is tough. Real depression is a mental desease. If you have ALWAYS been sad for weeks, in every moment, if you thought about hurting yourself or retire from life of whatever, don't be silly and call a doctor.

    For the girl, start knowing her. little steps. let it evolve, observe yourself honestly.
    Don't search in her what only you can provide to yourself.

    Hope this helps
    good luck
  3. You don't need a more successful life to ask her out. You can ask her out now, as the person you are now.

    If what you're experiencing is a result of performance anxiety, it's not the end of the road. You can still work to improve your life. Take time to get to know her. Ask her out, without the stress of trying to perform in bed at the end of the date. Become really comfortable with her, outside of any sexual experience.

    I haven't experienced exactly what you're describing, but I do know from experience that when you focus on your stress without working to take care of it, feelings of depression get worse. And whether or not PMO is your problem, remember that porn is an escape from discomfort and it won't help you get closer to a real girl.
  4. VeryUnderstanding

    VeryUnderstanding Fapstronaut


    Ill try and help, what are 5 reasons you think PMO is to blame for whats been happening to you and 5 reasons why PMO is not the one to blame.
    give me some negative and positives.

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