Dont know what to do anymore

Discussion in 'Partner Support' started by Amaterasus, Mar 12, 2019.

  1. Amaterasus

    Amaterasus Fapstronaut

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    So last night i found ut that my partner had relapsed again for a few days...using gifs on FB messenger to hide it from the acountability software that we got. During this period hes been talking about how good its going and how proude he is that he made it to 12days etc...

    And i dont know what to do anymore, i have made my boundires and consequenses very clear. Having lying as the single most important one, fine if you relaps but dont lie to me.

    For the first time ever im considering leaving, even tho that isnt an easy option. But what else is there to do at this point?
     
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  2. EyesWideOpen

    EyesWideOpen Fapstronaut

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    Im so sorry. This is a hard, hard journey for us SOs. Did you have the boundaries and consequences in place before this relapse and lying? If so, set the consequence into motion and stick to it.
     
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  3. Amaterasus

    Amaterasus Fapstronaut

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    Yea i did, have had them for a few weeks now but this is the 3rd time that he is completly ignoring them. It usually last about a week, then we end up in this sort of situation.

    What really hurt this time is that i had to find and see all of it, and i wasnt even looking for it. He had forgot to close it down. So now i got all these images stuck in my head.

    And alot of the reasons for my boundries is that i dont want to see things, i rather have him tell me about a relaps or using sites that the acountability software classifies as porn so i dont have to look at it to ser what it is.
     
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  4. Atomicflea

    Atomicflea Fapstronaut

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    I’m so sorry you’re going through this but it looks like your partner has a complete disregard to your boundaries and your respect. He’s calling your bluff so whatever the consequences were stick to them. It may just be the jolt he needs. Hang in there. Xx
     
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  5. Amaterasus

    Amaterasus Fapstronaut

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    I am sticking to my consequenses as hard as i can, but it feels like im gona be sleeping on the sofa forever at this rate...
    And yes i chose the sofa and not the bedroom so there isnt any misunderstandings about that
     
  6. Bombadil

    Bombadil Fapstronaut

    Very sorry you've been put through this.

    I don't know if it helps, but one of the things I've learned with disciplining my kids, is not to make threats that I won't / can't carry out. If you go straight for the nuclear option, you risk either just committing to walking out, or that you'll get called on it and have to back down. Addicts (certainly in the early stages of recovery) are a lot like little kids, we're not thinking using reasoning brain - it's too screwed up - we're resetting to factory settings. I don't know you or your SO (so please feel free it ignore me if this isn't helpful) but I wonder if there is something that you can do to emphasise consequences with a measured escalation?

    Really sorry. This shouldn't be your job, and it's not something you should have to put up with. If he is an addict, he's probably got a lot of work ahead of him to get clean (which he will have to decide to engage with) and you will need to decide whether you want to stick with it, in which case, you'll probably have a lot of work to do as well.
     
  7. Mordobarn

    Mordobarn Fapstronaut

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    Hmm, shouldn't it be your partner sleeping on the sofa? He's the one lying to you, which is why he shouldn't be lying next to you.

    If he continues, unfortunately, it will be time to kick him out, or leave if you can't kick him out. It's no fun living with an addict, whether it's PMO, drugs, or something else.

    As @ComplexRiddle says, don't threaten to leave. First, make plans to leave; make it so that you can walk out at a moment's notice. Only then, tell him that he has one last chance otherwise you'll leave. If he fails, leave. Don't come back until he can convincingly show you that he's changed, assuming of course that you want to come back.

    Good luck.
     
  8. Amaterasus

    Amaterasus Fapstronaut

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    Like i said in one of the posts above i chose the sofa, got long time sleeping issues and for me the sofa works better then the bed for some wierd reason.

    And i havnt treathen him with leaving, i agree with you that i want to have plans in place beforehand etc. The thought of leaving is more or less my frustration with my boundries not beeing respected, regardless of how much i enforce them with the agreed upon consequenses.

    The relapses are freakvent, about once a week and the amount of lying and going behind my back feels a bit insane. And the lying goes further then just the porn addiction.

    And as a quick update, we have been stuck in an argument for the last day about that if he cant be honest it really doesnt matter if he manage to quit porn becuse i wont be able to trust that he really has done it. While he thinks that just quitting will solve everything
     
  9. Bombadil

    Bombadil Fapstronaut

    I am very sorry, but it sounds a little bit like he doesn't actually want to get better. You can't fix this stuff through willpower alone, you have to really want to fix it too (otherwise it's just too easy to slide into old habits when you're tired or something). The dishonesty thing is also pretty common with all kinds of addiction, and it's linked to shame. If he really wants to sort it out he'll need to come up with his own methods for staying honest - just putting a porn filter on the computer really won't cut it (they are very easy to circumvent) it needs to be concrete and tangible, and he needs to buy into it. Otherwise it's just you laying down the law and him (not necessarily rationally or deliberately) trying to circumvent it. You can't police his thought life for him, you can help, but he needs to be properly engaged with the process. Part of that process will be rebuilding your trust - so that one day he can say he's clean and you believe him.
     
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  10. Amaterasus

    Amaterasus Fapstronaut

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    I agree with you, my view of it is that getting sober isnt about not doing it but more about dealing with the issue and finding coping mechanics etc. Just sitting at the computer and try not to watch porn must be a form of self torture that is domed to fail.

    And for the last few weeks i have argued agains acountability software for the reason you describe, i dont want to police him and i feel like after all the loopholes he have found it really doesnt fill the purpose it is suposed to. But he have been very insisting saying its the only way to prove that he is sober.

    But i removed it this monday, and for me and how i feel it have made no difference compared to the period we had it. So is there really a point in having it then?
     
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  11. Bombadil

    Bombadil Fapstronaut

    Speaking as a man who has actually done that, yes it is pretty damn awful. It's the classic dry drunk, not drinking, but obsessing over it all the time. It leaves a hole, the thing you were addicted to is a habit, a pattern, a crutch, a pastime, a coping strategy, etc.. It takes an enormous amount of willpower to break the initial habit, but unless you replace those other things as well, it's so easy to fall back in. And the level of shame when you do fall back in - reinforces all the needs you had for it in the first place.

    It's good that he wants that accountability, it does help, but software is really not that clever, and addicts are really, really sneaky. Is he on NoFap, or any equivalent group?
     
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  12. Amaterasus

    Amaterasus Fapstronaut

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    Yea i have learned the hard way how much and addict can sneak around. He was on reddit first, that didnt work since reddit had alot of other content aswell...
    He is on this site since i found it and told him about it, but isnt active more then reading a post here and there. He doesnt post anything himself tho
     
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  13. Bombadil

    Bombadil Fapstronaut

    I'm quite new here, but I've found it really helpful to keep a journal thread. The community is super supportive and offer loads of good advice. It also helps to come here if I'm tempted, and look back at how far I've come (or where I could end up). It also takes a bit of the burden off you, because there are plenty of guys on here who will give him the unvarnished truth about it all (without feeling that they have to be nice about it...) You can then go on to be the good cop...
     
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  14. Mordobarn

    Mordobarn Fapstronaut

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    Absolutely. He needs to actively work on his problem, otherwise nothing will change. He seems to be in denial that there is a problem. This is common with addicts of all stripes.
    It's a numbing strategy, a way to avoid dealing with one's emotions. When you use addiction (drugs, PMO, overeating, whatever), it's because you don't have the maturity or wisdom to deal with your emotions, or at least figure out how to deal with them. It's an unhealthy escapism.

    When you use addiction to avoid feeling your feelings, your emotional growth and your maturity are both stunted.

    This is why I recommend that every addict gets therapy. I would not have managed to NoFap successfully without therapy, and I see many people on this forum failing again and again because their only source of support is this forum.
     
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  15. Amaterasus

    Amaterasus Fapstronaut

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    I have tried to push for therapy but kind of gently, i feel like therapy should be your own choice and not be forced on you. Otherwise it feels like hes not gona have an open mind about it and more do it to please me.

    Another thing that i think is sad about therapy is that in our county porn addiction is just now beeing seen as a real problem so there isnt many people experienced working with it yet, any many still see it as non-issue
     
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  16. Mordobarn

    Mordobarn Fapstronaut

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    You are correct. If he doesn't want therapy, it won't work.

    Sadly, if he isn't interested in improving himself, your relationship will fail. This is true of any addict, not just porn addicts. You might want to start making plans for your future now.
     
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