Don't lower your standards

Discussion in 'Dating during a Reboot' started by ShadyPerson, Jun 28, 2019.

  1. ShadyPerson

    ShadyPerson Fapstronaut

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    I see way too often people saying that when you have trouble finding a partner, you should lower your standards.

    No. Don't do it. Only time you should lower your standards would be if they were unrealistic as in there's barely anyone who could fit them.

    Why do I say that you shouldn't lower your standards? Well.

    1. You deserve better. Many of us have extremely low self esteem and hard time loving ourselves. But I can assure you that you don't deserve to live a life of mediocrity and dissapointment. You deserve to be happy and you deserve to be content. Stop hating on and thinking less about yourself.

    2. If you do lower your standards, you can never fully forgive yourself or the world for it. Every time you see above your standards good looking girl you'll feel yearning. Every time you look in to the mirror you'll feel you're not good enough. You'll learn to resent yourself, your life and even your partners, for they are merely reminders of how you gave up on your goals. How you weren't good enough. They aren't what you wanted, but merely what you settled for. A part of you will know it and remind you. It's not fair for you and it's not fair for your future partners.

    3. You can make it. Even if you aren't the most good looking person you can make it. Although you might have a hard time making the good first impression, in the long run it's not your looks that matter. It's who you are and how you represent yourself. Don't lower your standards, up your game. Are you weak and fat? Start exercising and eating healthy. Are you socially awkward? Learn some social skills. Do you feel like you are a failure who hasn't achieved anything? Figure out what you want to do with your life and make it happen. There's always something you could do better.

    I'd like to change my earlier statement. There are actually two reasons to lower your standards. One is what I said earlier: they are unrealistic. The other is this: It's okay to lower your standards if you're a whiny ass bitch who rather gives up on his/her dreams when things get difficult than actually tries their best to achieve greatness. Anything worth having will require some effort.

    Seriously for a forum intented for self-development (because fighting addiction is self-development) you guys talk a lot about giving up on your standards. Like wtf I'm just a guy in the internet but imho you should be really fucking ashamed on yourselves.
     
  2. Renewed_soul

    Renewed_soul Fapstronaut

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    i agree with all you said 100% man
     
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  3. F328

    F328 Fapstronaut

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    Yea after reading a book called dating play book for men .I realized it didn’t have to lower my standards I just had to raise the standards of my self because if I feel like I suck and look like I suck I probably suck unless I change that and feel confident and tough then I’ll tough out hard times like fapping urges or talking to the girl I’m really attracted to and truly be happy and honest about what I want if I lower that standard I won’t be honest and want to not be in that relationship at all in the long term
     
  4. elevate

    elevate Fapstronaut

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    You get out of life what you're willing to tolerate.

    Higher standards means difficulty, uncertainty, and risks. More risks, more failures, and also more success. Delayed gratification. You have to grow as a person. You have to face your dissatisfaction and drive yourself towards what you really want out of life.

    Lowering your standards allows you to escape all of that. It allows you to be comfortable, certain, and safe. Less risks means less failures (and also less success). You get to conserve energy and protect yourself from harm. Why take risks in social interactions when you can indulge in porn? Why do something difficult that might not work when you can eat junk food and escape into netflix? Why invest in delayed gratification long term outcomes when you can consume things that feels good in the short term instant gratification?

    The bigger the obstacles, the bigger the rewards.

    It's up to everyone to figure out what they want their quality of their life to be like and what they're willing to do to get it.
     
  5. ajansen

    ajansen Fapstronaut

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    I agree with you that you shouldn't lower your standards. Well... I agree with you if you mean: don't lower your standards when it comes to personality, honesty, respect, empathy etc. Because it's totally okay to look for those things in a partner.

    But I'm guessing you just mean 'looks'?? At least that's what I understand from your post. So you're basically telling other guys who don't feel confident about their looks not to worry, because in the long run it's not your looks that matter. But at the same time you're telling them not to lower their standards and to judge girls on their looks because "Every time you see above your standards good looking girl you'll feel yearning"... Sounds so hypocritical and superficial to me.

    So my advice to you would be: maybe you should lower your standards! Maybe you'll find an amazing girl who doesn't have the best looks but will make you more happy than any other girl would :)

    It's not about looks. It's about attraction, which is much more complex. And yeah I do understand that looks matter, but it shouldn't matter too much. Try to be open for not so good looking girls, because beauty doesn't mean shit. And don't use a beautifull girlfriend as gratification. Your self esteem should come from within and not from superficial things.
    Anyway, you're still young, you'll find out when you're older (hopefuly ;))
     
  6. ShadyPerson

    ShadyPerson Fapstronaut

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    I guess I understand why you would feel like that was what I meant to say. But I didn't. Looks were just an easy example. Most guys are superficial and can relate to that. (And yeah, I'm still sort of assuming that most people reading that are guys.) But I mean yeah, if someones standards are that he or she wants a good looking partner, he/she ought to get one. I'm not one to tell them what kind of partner they should want. All I'm saying is that if they want certain type of partner, they should get excatly that, because otherewise they'll know they failed themselves and won't be able to treat themselves or their partner with the respect and admiration everyone deserves in a serious relationship. So if you want a good looking partner, just fucking get one. There's no shame in it.

    And ajansen, from your answer I get that you got slightly insecure about the idea that guys would judge you on your looks? (Not trying to insult you.) I get it, I'm not gonna win any prizes for looks either, and would be mortified if I was solely judged for that. But while I agree with you that overall attraction is usually way more important than looks, there are still men who just want to date pretty girls. And I get that it seems stupid and annoying, but people have preferences and that's just okay. If you think they are immature for having those preferences, I think you just simply dodged some bullets. But they still like things that they like and you or I don't have to understand it or agree with it. It's just important that they stay true to themselves and pursue whatever they want.

    I'd also like to clarify that I don't mind if someone changes their standards naturally with time. People change, so do their standards. And sometimes they notice that certain standards were ingrained to them by their parents or friends or society or what not. Maybe they will get less interested in what people look like, maybe they wont. Doesn't matter as long as they go for what they actually want. What I do have a problem with is the attitude that I am so bad and worthless that I need to specificly lower my standards so that someone might generously accept me so that I don't have to put in the work required to being the best and happiest version of myself and therefore becoming desirable to other people.

    Also I can hardly see how my age relates to the topic and (and now I'm kinda sorta insulting you lightly) the condescenting attitude makes you come off as a butthurt asshole and I can't say that I appreciate it in what I would hope to be a mature conversation. I have given you the benefit of the doubt for now and assumed that you want to have a constructive discussion instead of a petty online fight.
     
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  7. ajansen

    ajansen Fapstronaut

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    Listen, I agree with you for the most part. Nobody should lower their standards (I have pretty high standard myself, not on looks though), but you have to be realistic. I like that you are trying to help insecure guys, but the way you are doing it isn't the right way to me. You can't lift up guys while putting less good-looking girls down. This is also a forum for girls, so..

    Oh, and I'm really happy with my looks. It took me some time to get where I am now (also due to porn) but my insecurities regarding looks are gone. I get plently attention from guys, but if they solely like me for my looks, I lose all interest. If a guy can't see my accomplishments, intelligence, fun personality etc then I won't give him a chance, no matter how good looking he is. I'm even known for falling for "ugly" guys. But hey, they were the most beautiful people (inside) I've even known.

    I get that some guys want to date pretty girls. I'm not here to judge other people on who they feel attracted to. Most men are wired this way. It's in your DNA and it's something that happens unconsiously. Same applies for women. They usually fall for slightly dominant men with a high status and lots of money. We're biologically wired this way too. But how would you feel if some girl would post on the womens forum something like: Girls, it doesn't matter if you don't accomplish anything in your life, just do not lower your standards because every time you see above your standards rich high status guy you'll feel yearning. Doesn't sounds like good advice, right?

    Just because it's all unconsious doesn't make it right. Doesn't mean you can't challenge yourself. Especially for people on this forum who are trying to better themselves, it might be a good thing to address this. I see a lot of posts from guys talking about girls in an objectifying way and think it's totally okay.
    Harvard university made a test a while ago where you can test your unconscious bias on race. You know what came out of that? Most people have a slight (and somethimes even big) preference for a white person over a black/colored person. While most people believe they don't discriminate black people. So, is this unconscious? Yes. Is it right? So can we just disciriminate black people based on their skin color, just because we are wired this way? NO! Of course not, we have to create awareness and challenge ourselves. So do you understand where I'm going with this?

    Oh and calling me a butthurt asshole is really immature and not ok...
     
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  8. Cool I Can Use Spaces

    Cool I Can Use Spaces Fapstronaut

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    Yes let’s all be mature about this and get away from name calling, totally inappropriate.

    ——-

    There is a tendency for people to over look negative character traits as one starts getting desperate for a partner.

    This is definitely what happened with my dad. He’s even admitted that he was desperate to get married when he met my mom. They have very little in common and spent all of my childhood years fighting. They stayed together but rarely talk to each other, sleep in separate rooms, use different bathrooms, go to the same places in different cars, it’s really crazy and sad. All because my dad was desperate to get married.

    Over the years I’ve met couples that had lots in common and their relationship clicked like a well oiled machine. They handled conflicts constructively and did lots of things in life together.

    So yes, it pays to wait.
     
  9. ShadyPerson

    ShadyPerson Fapstronaut

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    I don't think I was putting anyone down? At least didn't mean to. But apparently I wasn't clear enough on that one. My point was not that not being good looking is bad. My point was that if you for instance don't think someone is good looking enough to fill your standards, you shouldn't date them. The fact that someone shouldn't date specific type of people because of their preferences doesn't mean that there's something wrong with bein that type of person. And a man nit wanting to date a woman he doesn't think is good looking enough was merely an example.

    It's great to hear you are confident and have found what your preferences are.

    This is the part where I think the biggest misunderstanding comes in. My point was not that men (or anyone for that matter, while I was addressing men slightly more, my intention was to give advice to everyone regardless of their gender) should just not do anything to better themselves and still wait to get the best partners fall for them. Quite the contrary. I view peoples eagerness to lower their standards as an easy way out. You don't have to improve yourself when you settle for mediocrity.
    And therefore my point was that people shouldn't lower their standards, because it's just an excuse to not becoming someone who could get that perfect partner they seek. Instead they should focus on improving themselves so that they could one day be able to get the kind of person they have been dreaming of. Did I make myself clear enough this time?

    Exploring your unconscious and trying to lower your standards to get at least someone to have sex with you are two different things. But even with the former you'll have to recognize which things you can change and which things you can't. If you just can't find someone attractive, you don't have to. It doesn't mean you should discriminate them or bully them. Just don't date them.

    I actually didn't say you're one. I said your behaviour makes you come of as one. Therefore I attacked your behaviour, not you. And yeah, I could have propably addressed your condescenting attitude in a less aggressive way had I tought about it a little longer, but at the moment I was annoyed and just tought that since you disrespect me, there's no reason for me to not return the favor.
     
  10. ajansen

    ajansen Fapstronaut

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    Alright :) I get your point. I think we're more or less on the same page.
     
  11. ShadyPerson

    ShadyPerson Fapstronaut

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    Okay, that's good to hear. Have a nice day.
     
  12. Dat95

    Dat95 Fapstronaut

    I was feeling low today, and needed this!
    Thanks dr. Shady Peterson!!!
     
  13. ShadyPerson

    ShadyPerson Fapstronaut

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    Nice to hear I could help!
     

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