Dont't want to cheat

Discussion in 'Rebooting in a Relationship' started by Dombo, Aug 8, 2017.

  1. Dombo

    Dombo Fapstronaut

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    Hey Brothers and Sisters,

    this is my first post on nofap forum. Please excuse mistakes in my english, I'm german.
    First of all i want to thank all of you guys. All your posts are a really strong motivating for me.
    So please let me explane my awkward situation. After 13 years of PMO I'm trying to nofap for roudabout 1.5 years. I relapsed over and over, but keep on trying hard. Right now I'm almost getting the 30th day of nofap. The longest time I've ever had. I'm feeling sooo good my friends.
    BUT..... here is the problem.
    I have a girlfriend for 7 years now. She don't know nothing about my fap history. I really love this girl but she is so prudish (hopefully the right word...not much sex with her :D). While I'm getting better with nofap, I feel that I attrack women more and more. I was always the shy guy, that was looking cute but... blabla. Now I'm getting more relaxed and more confident in front of women which is causing a new problem I've never had before.
    So I met a coach (female) in the gym.... we talked very friendly, later text messages on instagram. It went on and on. No excuse me. This hole thing ran out of control. Althogh she has a boyfriend, she is texting me half naked pics and writes down her sex phantasies. She wants to have sex with me, so bad! I will be honest with you guys. I'm not that innocent. I'm answering with my phantasies. Damn, she's so hot and I'm feeling so bad. We did not have sex and fortunately she's on vacation so I don't see her at the gym. But I'm afraid to loose my control, when she comes back.
    Anyone the same issue? Please send me some Tipps or motivational Words.
    Thank you for reading my Story

    Dombo
     
  2. you should break off your relationship instead of perusing an affair. It is not fair to your gf.
     
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  3. Kenzi

    Kenzi Fapstronaut

    This.
     
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  4. Spiff

    Spiff Fapstronaut

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    I agree. It looks like now is the time for you to decide what you want more - a relationship with your girlfriend or an affair with this coach. Love or sex.

    You've had this girlfriend for 7 years - she must have qualities you like. Whatever you choose - be respectful to her. Accept that it's one thing or another, you can't have both.

    Personally - I think the affair will only be rewarding for a short time, where the relationship with your girlfriend can be rewarding for the rest of your life if you work at it.
     
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  5. anewhope

    anewhope Fapstronaut

    My guess is that you are having higher urges now, because you have given up PMO, and your lust has found a very tempting outlet with this coach. You are enjoying the ego-boost of a potential new conquest. After 7 years with your girlfriend, who is not that into sex, the coach offers someone who is new and exciting, physically fit and actually wants to have sex with you. It is understandable that you are tempted.

    You cannot have your cake and eat it. If you love your girlfriend, then you do not have an affair and you do everything you can to remove the temptation. Stop contacting the coach, maybe even change gym. Direct your energy into your relationship with your girlfriend. Work on what you have together to improve it, including your sex life, so you need no other outlet.

    NoFap is all about regaining control of your life, being the person you want to be, and not allowing your bodily urges to run your life for you. Giving into your lust for the coach and cheating on your girlfriend would be a large step in the wrong direction.

    ANH
     
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  6. Dombo

    Dombo Fapstronaut

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    Thank you guys for your honest words.
    For me it's absolutely clear to stay with my gf. Every time when I see her back at home I'm feeling so lucky!
    But I think especially you guys know about these urges. This coach is like a porn that follows you and tell you to fap. Her messages make me freeze and her pics are...hell. On Sunday she makes me having blue balls. Trust me guys you don't wanna have blue balls without the opportunity to fap o_O
    Thank God for meditation and cold showers.
    As you said, i can't have both. I will tell this coach to stop this affair, just to clear my conscidence. Should be interesting, when i see her in the gym after her vacation.:confused:
    I'll keep you guys updated
     
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  7. True-Self

    True-Self Fapstronaut

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    Couldn't the sexting and pics already be considered cheating?

    Unfortunately you may have already crossed a line that may not be acceptable to your girlfriend.
     
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  8. Dombo

    Dombo Fapstronaut

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    To be honest...you are right. But fapping and watching porn should be unacceptable for her as well. I never told her.
     
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  9. You are so right about that! I'm glad you made the right decision. :)
     
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  10. fotizo

    fotizo Fapstronaut

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    Two ideas popped into my mind that could prevent you of having to face the temptation of your coach. The first is to switch to a different gym. I don't know where you're at in Germany, but here in my town we have several gyms. It is probably similar for where you're at. My second suggestion would be, if switching gyms isn't possible, to only go to the gym if you can go with a friend. The idea behind that is you are less likely to be alone with your trainer and thereby can't have sex with her.
     
  11. Kenzi

    Kenzi Fapstronaut

    And this.
     
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  12. Kenzi

    Kenzi Fapstronaut

    Sounds like you either need to leave her or shine a light into the relationship
     
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  13. GG2002

    GG2002 Fapstronaut

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    Hello. I'm in the US but just got back from Frankfurt, first time visiting Germany loved it. So on to the advice. It's hard to tell if maybe your relationship is bad, PMO aside or if PMO is causing the issues in your relationship. You have to tell your gf about the PMO. Second you are replacing the high from PMO with this girl. Third block her number from your phone. Change gyms or don't go at all. Block her on social media and tell her you have a girlfriend you are committed to and want her to stop.
     
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  14. AT91

    AT91 Fapstronaut

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    Do you know why your gf is so "prudish"? Have you spoken to her about it?
     
  15. Dombo

    Dombo Fapstronaut

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    Hey Guys,
    well here is a little update.
    I told the coach to stop it, because she got a boyfriend and i got a girlfriend, and I don't want to risk my relationship for a little fun. I wrote with her only on Instagram, so she don't got my number. To be more secure, I deleted my Instagramaccount.
    Normaly I always got my training partner with me in the gym. Yesterday I told him about my problem. Now he will help me to stay cool, when I'm facing her.
    My Girlfriend. Well, the more I'm getting in to this nofap thing, the more I think its me who is causing this Issue. Maybe it's or it was my energy, or my wrong understanding of sex.
    Real sex is not like in porn. But after so many Years of PMO it's hard to understand this with my whole body. Not only with my mind.
    I think, that I need more time to become aware of what is going on with my body. I these 30days of nofap changed thomething in my body. It feels like slowly disappearing fog.
    Thank you guys so much for your help. It gives me power to control myself. I just have to learn to deal these new "issues". Real Women that are trying to attract me.
     
  16. anewhope

    anewhope Fapstronaut

    Great news. Well done for doing the right thing. The next step is to focus all your energy on your gf - not just in the bedroom but in all aspects of the relationship. Demonstrate your love for her in ways that she understands and appreciates. If she sees that you love her and feels secure in the relationship you may find that her libido responds too in time.

    Good luck.

    ANH
     
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  17. GG2002

    GG2002 Fapstronaut

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    I was just going to write what you did as a SO about the reason your gf may seem like a prude. Now of course there are many women and men that have suppressed sexuality but if you have been a pmo addict the whole time that's likely a big part of it. Pmo addicts are usually very selfish in bed because they see women as objects and sex as all about their pleasure. Most are not even conscious of it but when you ask the SO they say the opposite. Good sex also requires an emotional connect so often when pmo addicts have sex it is still a solo experience even if someone else is in the room. You may also be saying she's a prude because she does not do the things women do in porn but real sex is not like that! Outside of the bedroom pmo addicts treat their partners differently as well. You are keeping a huge secret and your full sexuality from her that creates a divide. And if you have problems in bed due to pmo that has an effect as well. Many addicts think if they meet the right girl they won't have to pmo or there are girls out there that behave like porn stars all the time. I suspect that's all this other woman is to you. Hope, hope that your ideas are not delusional and that you are not the problem. I think you are on the right path and very insightful.
     
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  18. MarinoBigFan1984

    MarinoBigFan1984 Fapstronaut

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    Myth and reality are not the same
     
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  19. Bel

    Bel Fapstronaut
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    Exactly.....the grass is always greener when it's artificial.
     
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  20. Dombo

    Dombo Fapstronaut

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    You guys are awesome. Thank you so much for your good energy!
    I've never thought, that other girls would be such a problem for me. But right now it feels like I'am magnetic. The coach is done now for me. But now it's the yoga coach who is contacting me on facebook. She is complimenting me and want me to do some "yoga poses" with her. I politeley decline her offer. Additional two other girls from the gym added me on facebook. Why now? Why not 7years before? It's like someone is trying to test me. Now, of all times!
    You guys must think i'm crazy o_O
     
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