doom's day not far away!! help please!!

Discussion in 'Porn Addiction' started by jerrymouse, Jun 18, 2019.

  1. jerrymouse

    jerrymouse Fapstronaut

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    hello friends!! i am just below 25 years old and having some serious health problems which are not supposed to occur at my age..i am sorry for this lengthy post but please read it till the end..i was not sure whether i should have posted this in mental health forum but of course the point of origin of my problems were such that i thought it is better to post such stories in this forum otherwise it might have been inappropriate for other forums
    From childhood,i was a quite intelligent kid..i had a sharp mind with an imnensely strong memory..i had excellent thinking,logical reasoning and puzzle solving skills..i could catch things very easily and also remember new things with quite ease..i could come up with new plans or innovative thoughts while solving problems,playing chess or taking other important decisions..learning new things was so easy!! i was excellent in maths and computer programming..i never had to learn new ideas..because my mind figured them out automatically by itself as if it had been programmed already..all of my teachers ,friends and relatives admitted that i was more intelligent than the children of my age and it became a prominent distinguishing feature between me and others around me..it was clear that i had every chance of making a huge mark in the future because of my intellectual abilities..but i never knew that future would be so painful and shocking!!!
    just like any other normal boy of my age, my body started changing as i hit puberty and i started feeling sexual urges or the rush of hormones with which my teenage greeted me..my body had developed in an usual manner and that is why i felt these changes taking place..But,since i became 18 years old, these sexual urges or the so called excitement got to the climax..whenever i would see something provoking, i would feel a strong rush of blood in my veins..these things started getting so intense and i got into the habit of masturbation..initially as i started it, i did not know much about it but it happened automatically..i know it is perfectly normal..but anything in excess is very harmful..without myself knowing about it,i got addicted to it..it gave me immense pleasure and became a source of temporary happiness to reduce stress in my life..i cleared my school exams with good grades and got admitted into one of our country's top ranked colleges after cracking an extremely tough admission test..so i had lots of expectations on myself and had goals set up already for the future..but by that time i had plunged dramatically into the habit of orgasm and porn watching..i was so much addicted that the other aspects of my life including my career,my studies which should have been the primary focus of my life,started getting neglected badly..i lost all focus and all attention..in college , my grades started to detoriorate..but i could not help myself..i simply could not resist the act of obtaining self pleasure even if i tried hard to abstain from it..i now understand why it happens with us..why we cannot quit it..actually it floods the brain cells with a neurochemical called dopamine which switches on the reward circuit in the brain..that is why one craves for more and more and never gets satisfied or is able to stop it..this is how drug addicts suffer from drug addiction because new neural pathways are formed in the brain..also i must mention that as i got admitted into college,since then my lifestyle was hugely altered..not only i started masturbating 3--4 times daily but also started sleeping less. i used to go to bed late at night and wake up in early morning with few hours of sleep and this has been the story since then..not only that,due to busy life schedule, i skipped breakfast and indeed neglecting diet obviously affects brain cells which need proper nutrition to function well..so i understand that my body has changed internally and all the cycles including sleeping,metabolism all these got hampered and so did the body's biological clock..i had read that prolonged lack of sleep could cause protein accumulation in brain that can cause death or shrinkage of nerve cells..another thing that i read is that excess PMO causes neuroplasticity which means that the brain gets altered..i feel loss of appetite and do not feel energetic as i was..always i feel as if i am drained out of energy and feel as if i am a totally different person and cannot go back to my original form..not only this,the entire rhythm in which the brain and body functioned has been absolutely ruined..i can feel it..i do not feel hungry..i suffer from constipation..i noticed that these things started to happen after i indulged in PMO and now they have become permanent issues..i feel that my body has been just ravaged..
    Since the past 5 years, as i came to know about ill effects of masturbation and experienced them myself, i have made more than 1000 attempts to quit it but always failed..just imagine how much addicted i have become that despite finding out how destructive it is , i still failed to give it up..yes !! in more than 1000 attempts!! i make vows to myself and after few days may be hardly 4 or 5 days, i feel an irresistable urge to jerk off and just cannot stop myself..i feel that some other very strong evil power is controlling me at that stage..i just have to do it otherwise i get withdrawal syndrome...i forget about all the harm that i am doing to myself.i am just helpless!!!!
    The biggest and most threatening observation and symptoms are the ones that are affecting my cognition skills.
    it all began in college ..i found it hard to learn new concepts or formulate new ideas..college exams became tough to score marks..i found it very difficult to score good marks or to clear the exams..initially i was very intelligent and clearing the sem exams should not have been difficult for a person like me but i found maths very tough while people much more ordinary than me did so well in the exams..Then , overtime i noticed extremely horrific signs which point towards neurodegeneration.
    Initially, it started with me forgetting spellings of ordinary english words which were well known and deeply rooted in my memory and i remembered them just like my name..there was no way i could have confusion over their spellings or forget them so easily and it progressed day by day and word by word.Simple formulae, ideas, concepts which were mastered by me since childhood now seem no hard although they were once a child's play for me..i cannot learn new ideas, new things however easy they may be..everything seems so difficult to learn and remember..simple things that i knew since childhood now seem so unusual and new as if i had never known them..everything that had been stored in my mind since childhood is now getting deleted one by one..my puzzle solving and thinking skills are just totally dead..i cannot think,plan or take new decisions easily..i get confused over simple things everyday like calculations ,etc..i get confused so easily..i feel as if my mind has gone blank..there seems to be heaven and hell of a difference between what i was and what i have become!!i feel terribly upset!it seems that someday i might forget who i am or where i am from!! whenever a puzzle is given to me to be solved , i cannot figure out the solution..i have become so dumb !! i cannot see myself in such a situation anymore! i cannot understand or remember new things..for example, if u give me some new info over some matter i will never be able to remember it..if i see new faces,i cannot remember them and next time i see the person,i will never be able to identify him/her..it becomes difficult to recognize voices of singers or remembering and recognizing newly heard voices..if u show me two images of same person but one slightly different from the other in facial expressions,it becomes hard to distinguish between the two or understand that they are the same..my memory has declined in a drastic fashion..when i tried to look for an answer on the net, i came to know that these signs occur due to some degenerative disorder of the brain and nerves due to shrinkage of thought processing centres in the brain or more precisely, due to frontal lobe damage..i was a very nice person before i fell into this pit of porn addiction but now i become extremely angry even at small reasons,i get irritated so easily, and violent when i become angry ..i just have no control over myself..my cheeks have become sunken,there are dark circles beneath my eyes and i have become very thin and look like a sick man..i have become a dull unattractive person..just the opposite of what i was before getting into college..
    Not only that, i have become hyperinsomniac, i just cannot fall asleep like a normal person what i was previously..it sounds odd that i feel sleepy but cannot go to sleep as if my consciousness just cannot detach itself from the surroundings like a normal human being trying to sleep..as if i have lost that inbuilt ability to fall asleep. as if my body has been reprogrammed in a highly defective manner and everything just got ruined..i feel that my brain and body are devastated..i have to rely on alprazolam on a daily basis to fall asleep and feel that i will never be able to get back to my original self again..i want to get back to where i was ..and how God created me originally..but i know that is not possible and gives me a deepest sense of regret.. and had i known that excess masturbation causes these symptoms,i would not have fallen into this pit
    On the net, i came across several sources where i found the information about such occurrences..they said that these neurodegenerative changes could be early signs of dementia or alzheimer's disease but i am too young for something like that to happen.plus no one in my family had similar diseases..so this possibility is ruled out..
    then i searched a lot of sites and they claim that changing one's lifestyle like late night sleep, poor nutrition and excess porn and masturbation indeed costs a lot !! it changes the brain totally! it floods the brain with dopamine and burns out the dopamine receptors..other neurochemicals like acetylcholine, serotonin,GABA and corisol are depleted from the brain resulting in brain fog,confusion,inability to focus,etc and all the symptoms that i suffer from can thus be attributed to this single cause..they said that these chemicals are vital for nerves to communicate with each other and when nerves do not receive them over the years,they start to die...i would not fear about these changes provided they were temporary BUT the mention of death of neurons alone, sends a sensation of shiver down my back!! i never knew it would be so costly!!i sometimes forget what i had for lunch last day or what did i have for dinner last night..sometimes, i forget names of people but these things have not been too serious yet!! may be the storm is just rising!! i read that as the neurochemical GABA is depleted from the brain,one becomes insomniac as the GABA receptors die off..and i am extremely afraid to understand that i probably will face this extremely tough situation of not having sufficient sleep throughout my life..i realised that masturbation addiction is far worse than that of drugs or alcohol!! But ,again i found that those sites further claim that it would take some time to regenerate damaged or burnt out neurons!! And one needs to stop masturbation completely..
    But,as far as i know , neurons if once dead,rarely regrow or regenerate..because in high school,my bio teacher taught in class that nerve cells if they die,tgey cannot divide to form new cells..to some extent,the damage caused to them can be repaired..but i think that i done enough damage to my brain cells which might be permanent. .i am scared because by inducing extreme neurochemical changes inside my brain i might have shrunk or killed my gray matter or white matter which must have resulted in rapid neuronal death or loss responsible for symptoms that i have been experiencing..i have not consulted a neurologist but will surely do so very soon..Recently,i sat for competitive exams for higher studies and i could not clear them..i felt sad and extremely depressed. God gave me a golden opportunity to make the most of my life and i just wasted it!!! The most unfortunate thing is that despite knowing that masturbation is so harmful and writing about its ill effects, i still will never be able to quit it because no matter how deeply i have vowed before myself to abstain from it, the demon inside me will awaken up very soon again and is just pushing me towards my doom!! and i do not know what to do!! the demon resides inside me..more specifically,it is a part of me!!
    The traditional belief among people is that masturbation does not cause any mental effects..but that was based on inconclusive reasearch and new reasearch suggests something else..plus i know that i is indeed harmful as i myself have experienced its effects!
    my face has been covered with pimples..not only that, i can veey well visualize the situation inside my brain..imagine the nerves needing proper level of hormones and for several years,they lack those chemicals..its obvious that they will start shrinking and ultimately die..i can understand that in my case,the damage to nerves has been huge ..a significant amount of them must have died resulting in such severe symptoms!! and it is extremely painful and sad to realize that we cannot grow them back although the net promises us that one surely can!! but i think if the damage is too much and occurs over a long time span,it might be a permanent damage!! alas!! i am experiencing the effects!! my creativity has dropped to 0 level,,my cognition skills totally dead..my body has changed drastically..and i feel it from morning till night.
    To anyone who has read my post, please express ur idea on the following questions:

    Q1.if excess neuroimbalance inside the brain can cause damage to neurons,can i revert it by quitting masturbation??i mean can my nerves go back close to the original levels before it all started??
    Q2.what foods should i take to boost the healing process of my brain??
    Q3.How can i quit masturbation and keep away thoughts..i try to keep away triggers but still,sexual thoughts arise in my mind which have greater control over me..so u can underatand that my addiction is quite strong..so how can i quit it and even after trying to quit it in first few attempts,suppose i fail then how can i remotivate myself again??
    Q4.Based on my symptoms listed above,what percentage of nerve cells i might have killed??any guesses??.
    i know people on this forum are not doctors but please do me a favour and give ur opinion. i will be highly indebted to u.
     
  2. Brother the things you told in your post about becoming stupid and dumb from very intelligent is nothing to do with PMO, there must be something else.
    I jerked off since the age of probably 10 and regularly in 12 years of age. I am only progressing as far as my intelligence goes.

    As you said above you can't fall asleep.

    I can see some general health issues.
    Start exercising, run 2 km daily, if initially you can't then gradually increase stamina. After running do bodyweight exercises for 30 minutes.

    And please throw away all medicines you are taking. You are making yourself more sick by taking these medicines. Just sweat enough to forget everything else.
    Do this for 3 months and post results here after 3 months.
    And PMO is a no for this period.
     
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  3. A stronaut

    A stronaut Fapstronaut

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    I can personally tell you that what you're experiencing is from this PMO because I have experienced it as well, just that your is way worse because of how frequent you do them, personally I masturbate 3 times a week at its peak, and by that alone I noticed a lot of things, apart from dark circles acne, dull skin, and hair loss, I also noticed that when I was young I was so smart, but lately I noticed that I have a memory loss in terms of my education I began to detoriate, I used to be a smart guy still a smart guy, but I know that this is not my full potential and there is still something holding me back. Today is my 16 streak and am already feeling a lot of effect, just little but I can feel it, don't listen to anyone that say PMO has nothing to do with your problems
     
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  4. Mahmojo8

    Mahmojo8 Fapstronaut

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    Firstly, I would like to thank you for opening up about this story. What help further is if you opened to someone you are really close with about your issues and have them be some sort of an accountability partner if they won’t be bothered. This idea that you have a some sort of neurodegenerative disease with you that came with nofap is I think partially true. Self-fulfilling prophecy might be at play, but I I have no doubt it might have some correlation with the lapses in memory you’ve been having. Everything you have described seems in line with symptoms of PMO.

    With that, I think your negativity complex is spiraling you into a worse state. You look at these issues (and yourself) with a really strong contempt bordering on hate. My first tip is to focus on the issues at hand and stop worrying about how much potential you ruined, or how smart you were as a kid and blew it. It’s not good to have these thoughts running through your head while bettering yourself or performing any task for that matter.

    To answer some of your questions
    Q1. Quitting masturbation probably won’t revive dead or damaged neurons but I have found that clarity of thought and memory is much better while on nofap. I think you already know but, you brain is flooded with dopamine from all that fapping. What happens when you take that dopamine source (ejaculation) away? You’re left with craving and this drive to look for dopamine where you can find it. This is why previous addicts find many other things to get addicted to. Masturbation is one of the strongest dopamine providers when done frequently. Not many things can give that kind of effect that masturbation does and that’s why you won’t find enjoyment out of much of many things life has to offer. Why would you? You just had the sex with 3 girls every day for 6 years. This is why you experience many of those symptoms and can’t really find motivation to do math, solve problems, remember names and faces. After a long nofap streak you will find that the dopamine will return back to baseline level and you could start to care more about meaningful things.

    Q2. Idk. I eat meat and don’t eat much junk food. Not much sodas. It’s common sense. Don’t eat like shit.

    Q3. Take it one day at a time. Make it difficult to relapse. I would suggest taking CBD oil, doing mindfulness meditation, going for walks and doing things you like doing. I always call my friend or text him if I’m feeling the urge and he helps me. I set up times we can hang out so I can preoccupy myself. I would read a lot on these forums about success stories and also some stories of failure. If you’re sharing a house, I keep the door open when I’m alone in my room. Meditation will help when I see lewd images or some porn images show up on my brain. I can control myself very well now. When I did see porn, I took CBD to relax myself because my libido would be so strong I was breathing heavy, head was pounding and my heart racing. The first 7-10 days are some of the hardest. But 10 days to see those benefits. Past that and your balling. I played a lot of piano because doing things that you like doing is super helpful. What I’ve noticed is the people who have been addicted the hardest are usually the ones to receive the largest amount of benefits. It truly is worth it. Don’t try to do it all at once and don’t go hard on yourself if you relapse. You got to give yourself room for forgiveness only if you know you’re trying your hardest.

    If you don’t know what CBD is it helps with sleep, anxiety, arthritis, back pain and achieving homeostasis in the body. Don’t take anything for sleep. CBD could help get you into. Also seeing more daylight can fix your circadian rhythm or body clock.

    If you decide to disregard any of the tips I’ve given you there is one thing you definitely have to do. And it may be a really weird tip. Go to a Barnes and Nobles. Look for the book “12 Rules for Life” by Jordan Peterson. You don’t have to buy the book, I want you to sit in the store and read Rule 2 Treat yourself like you would someone you are responsible for helping.

    Q4. Stop worrying about how many neurons you’ve killed. IQ declines with age and usually peaks around your early 20’s and won’t get better after that point. This devil that you say is corrupting you and making masturbate just describes how a man has sexual desires and a libido. The moment you were born marked the start of a slow decaying until death. It’s inevitable and you didn’t know any better. What good does knowing?

    Remember that everyone in the community is looking out for you. I was in your spot very less than 4 months ago. It can be done. Use the forums and learn more about what it is you’re fighting and trying to achieve. Imma follow you I wanna hear more from you. I just see myself in you so much. Bless you man!
     
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  5. jerrymouse

    jerrymouse Fapstronaut

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    i have been PMO free for the past 25 days..the reason why i had to stop it is described below..as i had already knew that excess PMO over a long time period damages the central nervous system..i found out from a reliable site that it causes excess dopamine to be drained out from brain cells(substantia nigra)..so,ultimately these cells begin to starve and starve..prolonged starvation causes significant damage to the system..excess PMO causes dopamine to be converted to epinephrine and nonepinephrine, excess prostaglandin E2, and depletes the androgen, serotonin,acetylcholine and GABA receptors...excess cortisol and prostaglndlin E2 causes stress and inflammatory reaction, lack of acetylcholine shrinks the hippocrampus,which is the reason porn addicts cannot learn new ideas easily and suffer from memory degradation..lack of serotonin causes depression,and ADHD ( attention deficit hyperactivity disorder), unability to focus or concentrate in important aspects of life..and Lack of GABA causes chronic insomnia...the sympathetic nervous system is activated and the parasympathetic nervous function comes to a halt..initially,i thought that these effects could be reversible.
    but much later,i learnt something that is significant to the cause of stopping PMO permanently..the excess dopamine produced during chronic excess PMO causes the formation of chemicalslike DOPAL and DOPEGAL((abbreviations used) ..these are excitotoxic elements..meaning that they form lesions in the brain and produces a toxic environment that provokes nerve cells to blast off and die( process called apoptosis).Other toxic elements like peroxides and monoamine oxidase accelerates these processes of self destruction by PMO..and they induce conditions which mimic dementia,or alzheimer's at an early age..BUT MY ADDICTION was so intense that despite knowing these facts , i could not stop it.
    Then something happened to me which just changed my outlook completely!!
    The last time i masturbated was 26 days ago...for quite some time before that,i had been experiencing myoclonus at sleep onset and excess pressure inside my head..but the last time i did PMO,the problem became extremely severe..i started having constant muscle twitches,hand tremors, and body vibrations all theoughout the day..the hypnic jerks had become so panicking that each time,i tried to sleep,my body jerked me off into wakefulness..my nervous system rejected being forcedto shut down..as a result i could not sleep the whole night..i got scared..i thought that if this thing continues,then i will not be able to sleep anymore and die soon..as i could not sleep
    ,the next day was literally a nightmare for me..i had constant hand tremors,body vibrations and muscle twitches..i hadloss of body coordination and it was difficult to walk because i felt fully drained out of stamina..i felt as if i was going to faint..throughout the day,i kept worrying whether i will never be able to sleep! that day was the most horrific day in my entire life. !! i repented over my past life and that demonic act so so badly that i have never repented over something so badly!! As i went out of my house and saw other people ,i was so depressed because i could have had a normal life like them but it was my own lack of self control that had pushed me closer and closer to my end..i understood that my doom is near..and as i sensed my death standing so close to me, i vowed before God that if my state improves,even to a slight extent,i will give up this destructive habit totally!!!
    I came to know that my symptoms were similar to those of a neurodegenerative disease called parkinson's disease..which occurs in older people..i realizedthat i have killed my dopamine cells and sufferi g from this horrible condition which has no cure..
    But there are other much more dangerous and appalling diseases apart from parkinson's...one of them is called fatal insomnia..which causes the death of thalamic tissue in the brain due to accumulation of prions..the result is that the victim's brain loses the ability to shut down and he remains totally sleep deprived for several months,ultimately dying the most painful death..this disease has no cure and affects 2 or 3 people in every population of 1 million..initially,it was thought to be largely genetic..that means one had the chance of getting it only from some blood relative of that person had the disease..but later on ,another version of it was discovered which is known as sporadic fatal insomnia. it is even rarer than the gentic version and occurs spontaneously.Generally,it occurs in people older than 30 years of age.I thought,that there are very meagre chances of getting this extraordinarily rare disease for me..but still i feared that my changes inside my body might have been serious which could have triggered the formation of proteins inside the thalamus..
    But,i came to know about a man calle RIchard Saighan who had fatal insomnia..surprisingly,he had neither the genetic form nor the sporadic form...his insomnia was due to the most odd reason..he had been prescribed some antibiotics by a doctor due to some other health related pblms and those antibiotics actually killed all his thalamic neurons thereby causing the same outcome as prion formation inside the brain..i watched his videos on u tube..where he claimed that how those hypnic jerks prevented him from sleeping..his symptom was exactly the same as mine..he faced the exact same system rejection while trying to sleep as i was facing ..he died 3 years ago...i feared that i might meet the same fate as him! that day when i truly understood that how serious my addiction is,i went to the temple and prayed to God to cure my insanity..i prayed to God to rescue me from this hour of grave peril..to save me from my end..and i promised that i will never let my hand touch my penis if i survive.
    This incident happened 25 days ago,and since then,i have not masturbated again..my body vibrations and tremors have been reduced to a considerable extent..however the brain fog and shabby memory still persist..however my constipation pblm is cured..but i do not know why there's been an appeaeance of a white layer inside my penis,as i have stopped masturbating..since i stopped Pmo,i have been getting sound sleep..except on one or two nights.It is easier to control my sexual urges or thoughts..i can divert my mind away from these things quite easily..though on one or two nights,these cravings for sex grew tremendously intense,but still, i DID NOT touch my penis..this time,i have put up the most toughest resistance against sexual desire..on one or two nights,these sexual desires grew so strong,i got extremely excited but still did not let my hand touch my penis..i somehow manage to recall the horrific night that i experienced 25 days ago and what i promised to God!! Those terrible incidents still continue to haunt me and they have escalated my fear towards PMO towards an unprecedented altitude !!
    The only thing that i notice now is that sometimes when i get excited, sperms go into my urine on their own..it is NOT ejaculation or release of a millions of sperms by masturbation but i notice very very small amount of a sticky fluid mixed with urine sometimes..it does not happen always!!
    I have understood that i need to replace the obsession for PMO by obsession for some constructive purposes..i have to fill my subconscious mind with thoughts that give me more pleasure than porn watching..and of course i cannot break my promise that i had made before God!
     
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  6. clapas

    clapas Fapstronaut

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    Any updates jerrymouse?
     
  7. jerrymouse

    jerrymouse Fapstronaut

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    this post is quite long..please read it through..take ur time but read it till the end..i am Pmo free for the past 44 days..though it is quite early to say,but i am confident enough to speak with 99% certainity that I HAVE QUITTED MASTURBATION PERMANENTLY..actually,i have developed a psychological barrier/restriction inside my mind whenever the thoughts of pmo arise again..i have suffered a lot and towards the end of stopping this habit,my fears towards brain damage from pmo escalated to an unprecedented high level..whenever i have the urge to do it again,i remember those days where life seemed to be hell..i was desperate to escape from that hell...and whenever the thoughts of pmo arise again, my inner self jerks me off by saying "no,!!! not again"!!!!
    however,just like any other porn addiction recovery stage, i do experience the typical withdrawal symptoms..every 6 or 7 days,i keep on getting irresistable urges to masturbate..i feel restless whenever i think of something sexual..i have palpitations..sometimes,the sexual excitement caused by old memories of porn watching are so intense,that i cannot sleep properly..the next day i feel tired and suffer from depression..i worry that this depression could again push me back and make me fall in that pit again..this depression mainly occurs due to insomnia..
    i am more concerned about getting back my lost self..my main goal is recovery rather than stopping masturbation..i have gained control over that process..now i only worry whether my brain fog ,declined memory,ravaged brain and dementia like symptoms will go away or not..these things still persist and make me sad and depressed!! i am waiting eagerly for them to go away so that i can start my life afresh with new goals!!
    i know that many people suffer from this addiction but believe me my addiction was much more dangerous than other's
    ..it was worse than that of drugs or alcohol because,it required basically nothing from anyone to obtain this pleasure..and i have been a severe severe addict for 6 years..so,there has been lots of changes to my brain and my body..obviously it will take a lot of time for my body to get back to normal..i am mainly worried about the irreversibility of nerve cell loss or death!! so,i know that i must remain patient..moreover,these withdrawal symptoms indicate that chemical changes are occurring in the brain,it is being detoxified..and the porn pathways inside the brain are slowly disintegrating..
    i mainly experience the intense sexual urge during my bed time or afternoon sleep or whenever i am free or not engaged in any other work..after all idle brain is the devil's worshop..on other times of the day,i seldom get these sexual thoughts...but overall,it is a lot easier to have control over my sexual desire! interestingly, in the university,i fell in love with a girl..initially i got attracted to her because she was one of the prettiest girls i had ever met in my life..i never had a gf..but that girl was not only pretty but she was one of the nicest persons i have ever met in my life...i liked her very much..i do not know whether she had feelings for me or not..but i am a bit introvert..she had taken the first initiative to talk to me (obviously just as classmates or friends) and she sometimes used to tease me or pull my leg by calling me by different names..she had an idea that as i was from a very reputed and elite college,i was a very intelligent man..and it is true that i have never been rude to any of my classmates...but that girl had a pure heart and that's the main reason i later fell in love with her..unfortunately,she left the postgraduate course and joined another university..so,i do not have any further contact with her.
    The point that i want to make is that,though i have been a severe porn addict,i never had any sexual fantacies or thoughts regarding that girl whom i met in university or any of the other classmates or girls in our locality..my porn addiction and masturbation had their own virtual world of happiness and in my real life,i respect women a lot and would never want any sort of sexual thoughts to rise in my mind towards girls whom i see in the outside world..in fact my love towards that girl was totally pure and completely devoid of any lust..i had a wish to spend my lifetime with one of the purest souls i have ever seen..these type of people rarely exist now-a-days..but the point is that porn watching never took away my humanity!! that's the only positive thing that i have so far!masturbating simply was a straightforward formula for me to just ease off the stress that had made me depressed..it was totally separated from my real life..whenever i used to do it,i was locked in my virtual world of happiness which had no existence in real life and i was almost unconscious or unattentive of things around me.
    However,i still worry due to some of the symptoms that i face..even though i completely stopped Pmo,i still keep on getting pimples,..whenever i get excited,my penis becomes stiff and erect .sometimes i notice a clear transparent fluid coming out of it..i understand that it is some sort of lubricant as it is slippery to touch..i think excess pmo has made me prone to fluid leakage from my sexual glands..HOWEVER,this phenomenon is not masturbation..that was a totally different ball game..and that time,chalky white dense fluid used to get accumulated in my pants and make it fully wet. it had an awful smell..and it was intentional or forced ejaculatiobut now the fluid that comes out is clear,transparent,slippery does not smell like the cum that used to come out during masturbation ,and moreover,it does not make my pants wet too much..it does not smell like or look like cum..that was something totally different..i understand,that as time goes by,these sexual thoughts will slowly start dying..changes will become more prominent..i just need to be more patient..the fluid that comes out is in very very small quantity..i think it could be precum..however,i wouod not consider it as a relapse..i never touched my penis in the last 44 days.and probably i never will...moreover,this fluid actually passes out with my urine...this does not happen throughout the entire day..it happens only when i get excited...so,as i am preserving my semen,i feel happy..there was a stage when i thought that i would never be able to quit this habit!! but ,things have got different!!
    But,this fluid loss sometimes makes me depressed..sometimes,i think that this excitement could again release hormones and cause hormonal imbalance in the brain..although this type of incident would not be so dangerous or impactful or long lasting as actual pmo,but still sometimes,i do not get the satisfaction that one gets after quitting pmo..i took to quitting this habit with loads of stamina and thoughts as to how my life will change and move onto new heights once i stop it! but,these symptoms do not make me feel happy!!i have also developed a white layer inside the penis since the time i stopped masturbating..before that,my inner part of the penis always used to remain wet and moist..but now it is dry and a white layer has developed..which indicates that some changes have happened..so of course it too indicates that there has been no ejaculation recently!!nevertheless,i feel that it's a part of the slow recovery process and i must remain patient and stay strong..this has been my story so far..just 44 days ago,i was a severe addict who masturbated 4 times daily and was this tremendously affected my life..despite that i could not help myself..but what i have been able to do in the last 44 days has been a huge huge leap towards success and keeps me motivated..i can say that i quitted pmo..and i know,that probably time will heal me as well as change me..those thoughts would start dying..my first step has been a big success!!and i should not feel demotivated!! of course,God is with me!!
    If anyone wishes,i can describe in details,actually the effective formula that i have devised which has helped me to quit pmo..it could help cure other addicts as well!! it is a miracle of God!!
     
  8. Enwar

    Enwar Fapstronaut

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    Please know that Jesus Christ loves and cares about you.
     
  9. clapas

    clapas Fapstronaut

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    Please don't be pessimistic, don't keep thinking there are irreversible damages. The human body is a perfect machine. If you give it the opportunity, it will heal.

    Give the reboot some more time.
     

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