Dramatic Fight

So I’m cooking dinner with my boyfriend after furniture shopping and I’m ecstatic about everything. I’m happy to be living together, I’m happy to be so many days strong with my nofap lifestyle, and I’m happy to be hanging out in the kitchen having a drink and being with my boyfriend...

But then things came crashing down, of course. I was talking about all my nofap findings and I was happy to be guilt free.

——Quick background——-

He PMO’d before he knew me. He claims he hasn’t for the whole 5 years. I have the PMO problem but I haven’t told him 100% of my extent of the problem. However, my PMO issues make me distrustful of him although he claims to be clean. At this point, I’m changing my life so I can stop projecting my guilt onto him and so I can live my life in a proud, clean, and meaningful way.

———Back to the topic——-

We were happy in the kitchen and then I brought up nofap. I was expressing how much information I’ve been learning about how porn ruins the brain and ruins relationships. I was speaking very informatively and not dropping any hints or insinuating anything and out of nowhere he snaps at me and says with frustration, “OKAY... WHAT’S THE POINT?”

I was so disturbed and confused by how abruptly he cut me off that I turned the stove off and asked him if he has something to feel guilty about after I asked him why he has to get upset over “nothing”. He denied everything and proceeded to rant about how I always bring up negative stuff and the topic goes nowhere. I teared up and shouted at him and told him that I was tired of not being able to express how deeply I feel about the subject. He claims that he lets me “go on for hours” and that it “goes nowhere”.

I feel very stifled and smashed. I refuse to let him shut me up so I stormed out and told him that I need to walk out for air and that I’ll return to cook whether he eats or not. I’m really, really astonished that he interrupted me like that.

All I wanted to do was express myself and refer to what I’ve been finding on this forum. I’m actually writing this from down the street from where I live. I’m so worked up and irritated. I don’t know what to do when I walk back in. I’m most likely going to ignore him and cook. I’ll bring this up tomorrow when he’s more levelheaded and less likely to control my mouth.

 

I’ll be careful not to jump the gun and attack him based on this but I’m so shook up over this right now. At the moment, I’m home eating alone. I told him in a pissed tone that I’ll come back and continue cooking for myself whether he wants to eat or not. I don’t feel like talking to him because I’m too upset and I don’t know how to process this.

When I came back from my pissed off walk, he tried to corner me with, “I just want you to know that I’m willing to be with you and I’m willing to listen to you but I have frustrations. I’m sorry if I’m coming off in a way that you don’t like. I’m willing to be with you and love you along with whatever comes with it...”

I don’t know but I feel like he’s trying to talk to me like I’m the one that did something wrong. I got annoyed and told him that I’m not going to take that from him. I don’t want to feel like I did something wrong. All I was doing was talking. When I told him that he’s obviously spelling himself out, he got annoyed but held himself back the second time and just told me that “this is why” he gets frustrated at me because of the accusations that follow.

I know people react differently but when I was at my PMO worst, I didn’t react like him. I never denied anything but then again I’m not happy about my PMO. I actually want an intimate relationship. So maybe my reaction shouldn’t be viewed as a universal reaction? @Jennica I don’t know what to think.

 

Another thing to note for history on him is that in the past when we first met, he had a slight case of PIED. He was mostly performance shy and he claims to have been overthinking my past sexual experiences. He would get disturbed and distracted imagining me with previous partners. (I’m his first girlfriend).

He also told me that he decided not to watch P or M because he read about PIED and decided that it wouldn’t help our situation. He also described himself as “desensitized” which he later (years later) clarified and said that he had trouble concentrating and that he didn’t have any issue with PIED. According to him, he “didn’t know how to have sex”.

 

The fight continued and it got ugly. I wasn’t in the mood to talk because I wanted to sort myself out. I ate alone but when he came over to me, I told him I needed time. He decided to grab an alcoholic drink that he poured strong and he stomped off to our room alone.

From there it got ugly. I felt disrespected, belittled, and totally shrugged off. He looked so indignant and childish sitting in bed with such an entitled pout. I immediately told him that I felt he was being disrespectful. Here I am feeling like crap and he gets to sit there looking smug and nonchalant. We were not in a good spot at all. We both flooded with insults and he kept talking over me. Never let me get a word in. We both swore at each other and mocked each others’ gestures. All respect was thrown out the window. We were not having an adult argument at all. I don’t want to seem like I’m superior but his towering and trash talking made me feel so sour that I gave in and blew up in a fashion just like his so I stooped to his level. I regret it now but I was so emotional.

At one point he took my threat of breaking up and threw it at me. He told me that he hopes I find someone “man” enough to just agree with everything I say—someone who will be subservient and be able to “put up” with me. Somehow the tables turned and I started pathetically backing down to hear what he had to say. He let out a lot of repressed stuff that he never comments on. He brought up how much he pays for “our” car even though it’s in his name. He brought up how I never show him gratitude. He also accused me of cheating on him and he claims that he “thinks about it everyday”. Not once has he ever said anything to me in our calm, day to day lives. His breakthrough expressing made me want to hear more so I kept cowering toward him to hear what he had to say. I really wanted connection and he wanted to be left alone to drink and watch YouTube videos to spite me and ignore me.

Right now we’re both exhausted. There was no peacemaking. We both snapped and snapped, bickered and bickered until we eventually shut up. Now we’re sleeping on opposite sides of the bed.

 

Part of me feels like this is major abuse. I think I should break things off when our lease contact runs out. The other part of me wants to keep getting through this despite all this mayhem. Another impulsive part of me wants to die so hopefully he would feel a little sorry. (I’m only being expressive).

 

A bit more info about him:

He grew up in an abusive and negligent family. His dad was a drug addict and alcoholic who was unreliable. His dad has been in and out of jail for years and would barely hold a job for long. His mom was emotionally absent and she had questionable issues of her own. Every time his parents split, my boyfriend would end up living outside of the country with several estranged family members. He dropped out of school and lived a life smoking lots of weed and working minimum wage jobs. This is when he PMOd the most. When we met, he quit everything on his own because he was willing to try to make something work.

After 5 years of being with him, our fights are getting worse. This is the worst fight we’ve had. The first year he threatened suicide. This same year he quits his first career-job working as a ship welder. It was difficult work but he quit it in such a careless way. I was going through college and we both slept together in a tent in the yard of an apartment he was renting with his brother and Mom. They never spoke a word to me or cared about our relationship. They barely speak to him either. We eventually bought a car together and ended up sleeping in there. At the time I was committed to being by him. He never made me stay in those conditions but I wanted to be with him. We lived in those kind of homeless conditions throughout our relationship up until this year. We finally have our apartment and it hasn’t been easy. Some days feel like dates. We’re in love, we cook, we clean, we live. But then this stuff happens.

Over the past few years we have broken up for days several times. The pattern never changes. Some fight ensues, I feel like nurturing myself and I leave because I feel disrespected. Days go by and then he would call me crying, show up to my house, show up to my work, or send me some sort of email or message expressing grief. I would return and feel like maybe things could work. Now that we’ve gone through this enough times, I tell him that I don’t want to have to deal with more of his abuse/call me back crying tactics and he swears that *this time* he won’t call me. He swears he’s done and wants to be alone but yet he goes back on his statements and says, “leave me alone for a whole night. I’m tired and you need to respect my space”. Normally I would back off after hearing that if it were someone else but he uses this after escalating and acting crazy. In the past and sort of recently, he would headbutt things and punch himself in the head during fights to demonstrate that I’m making him go crazy. By the time he does stuff like that, I instantly suck up to him and try to baby him. It’s when I’m in a position of consoling him that he suddenly switches modes and acts smug. He’ll pour another drink and then tune me out with his phone.

He was doing and saying vile stuff like this all night. I felt like I was talking to a controlling son. I’m very helpless and lost. I need clarity.

 

I feel like I’ve had enough and there is no salvaging of this relationship. He mocked my anger, he raised his voice and refused to let me talk, and he’s unwilling to speak on a daily basis when we’re not fighting. He said he’s “done with people” and that he just wants peace. I read that as he wants to be left alone.

The problem is we’re on a lease contract with our apartment that doesn’t expire until April of next year. We can’t split right away. As much as I want to leave, I can’t bear the thought of going back to my parents’ house or moving out to pay rent with roommates. I don’t have my own car. I’m 30. I do have a degree but I’m not working a job that pays what I deserve.

Part of me wants to do something dramatic like join the military or peacecorps

 

Thank you all so much for your responses. I’m glad I’m here in this purgatory state and I’m not alone. After being coldly ignored and emotionally punished, he gave me a ride to work this morning with a sullen look on his face. He didn’t initiate affection but I hugged him and told him I loved him because I’m scared he’ll do something stupid if he thinks I’m still raging. He asked me what time I need to be picked up so I know I’m not stranded here. In the past before we lived in our apartment, he didn’t pick me up because he claims he was too drunk and “time playing video games” with his brother made him slip and forget about the time. (This event was the cause of another one of our many spontaneous breakups). Ever since this experience, I always felt doubtful about his reliability.

Anyway, when I asked him if we’re going to break up, he says we’re going to talk later but knowing him he’s going to find some emotional technique to control the room. I don’t know what to say or if I’ll say anything at all.

All I know is I felt like I did nothing wrong other than returning his immaturity. At the time I felt like if I showed him a mirror of how he was acting that he would figure out what I was doing but all it did was make him call ME the immature one.