Duplicitous

Discussion in 'Partner Support' started by Vixen, Mar 10, 2019.

  1. Vixen

    Vixen Fapstronaut

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    My husband went a week without accountability software, breaking a boundary of mine. He added it back Friday but today I discovered that a female friend/coworker of his asked him how his lady wife was doing as stay at home mom and his response began with “not well.”

    Ok so particular issue doesn’t involve porn, but it has stirred up some significant heartbreak and rage on my part. I’m triggered back to the core issue of not knowing who he really is, why he thinks it’s appropriate to convey such a thing to an outsider much less a female, and I’m so tired of being under appreciated. (Not only am I caring for twins that are almost 1, and a lively 3.5 year old, I am also doing freelance art/design with some of my time.)
     
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  2. EyesWideOpen

    EyesWideOpen Fapstronaut

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    I am so sorry. It sounds like he is stuck in the "dry drunk" phase, lacking self awareness and empathy.
     
  3. Vixen

    Vixen Fapstronaut

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    Thank you. Yes his lack of empathy confounds me.
     
  4. gymismylife

    gymismylife Fapstronaut

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    I hear ya. Mine won't put on accountability software at all, and lost his mind on me one time I went through his browser history and discovered that he was looking at pictures of naked women online. Now he's resorted to looking up his female coworkers on facebook. I can't tell him I know either because he will freak out if I tell him that I went through his phone. Ugh. Why is it so hard to just not act like a creepy pervert?
     
  5. kropo82

    kropo82 Fapstronaut

    I wish I knew the answer to that!
     
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  6. Vixen

    Vixen Fapstronaut

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    My husband looks up random women on Facebook too. So irritating.
     
  7. gymismylife

    gymismylife Fapstronaut

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    I find it worse. He knows those women. He says he doesn't masturbate to them, but I don't believe him. I'd rather he watch porn. At least those women are unattainable.
     
  8. Vixen

    Vixen Fapstronaut

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    You have a solid point there. My husband claims he’s not attracted to the female coworker whom he told I was a “not great” stay at home mother. But that just brings me back to trust issues with him in general. If nothing else this can be filed under his asshole narcissistic lack of empathy/gratitude. And misplaced intimacy, even if it’s not actual sexual in nature. Who knows.
     
  9. Vixen

    Vixen Fapstronaut

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    Yeah I don’t know. The trend seems to be he “vents” to female friends/coworkers of his about marital issues. Which he feels very entitled to do. It makes me uncomfortable. As a rule I’ve tried to stick with same sex friends since getting married, but after his beligerent entitlement of “I can be friends with whoever I want”, I figured “screw it. If he’s gonna have female friends, I’m now open to male friends.” Mostly just in the context of random people making small talk while playing words with friends lol. And then he gets uncomfortable that I’ve taken to mentoring a nerdy autistic boy...

    Apparently we are taking our marriage on the rocks, shaken, not stirred. Sigh. I’m so angry about this “not great” mother thing. Now I can be triggered to fret his betrayal not only by sex stuff but also domestic frustrations.

    Just about to go to my first counseling session now...
     
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  10. Max Fisher

    Max Fisher Fapstronaut

    I can relate to this. Co workers are a tricky grey area and one must tread lightly but otherwise it's a good rule. Also men with no males friends send up red flags for me, especially if they are married. Same applies to females.
     
  11. gymismylife

    gymismylife Fapstronaut

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    I found that giving him a taste of his own medicine worked pretty well for mine. He used to tell me.all kinda of wonderful things aboit other women and never compliment me. He didn't see the problem. He also didn't see what I was upset aboit when a female.friend kissed him on the mouth. So, I started saying nice things about men I knew and telling him about the men who would hit on me. He didn't like that very much. He stopped.
     
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  12. Vixen

    Vixen Fapstronaut

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    Hey! I just did a brain dump on the biggest thoughts from my counseling session tonight. Figured I would start a counselling journal. Feel free to peruse: https://www.nofap.com/forum/index.php?threads/embarking-on-counseling.219755/

    I always value your comments and insight!
     
  13. EyesWideOpen

    EyesWideOpen Fapstronaut

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    Did I misunderstand? I took what he said as you were not handling being home well, as in, wanting to work, going stir crazy, which is a valid point that I have heard many SAHMs say. (Even though it sounds like he is saying it to be vindictive.) But others are saying he said you are not doing well at being a mother? Please clarify for my understanding.
     
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  14. Vixen

    Vixen Fapstronaut

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    All up to interpretation I suppose. He claimed he took her to mean she was inquiring how things were going between us. Not sure that is much better given the exchange with another woman. But it is less encompassing of judgement and rejection. I think the root was him being cynical about house keeping. Even though he doesn’t contribute much to that despite him claiming it is a priority.

    Considering we weren’t really on much speaking terms at that point and I was actually spending much more time towards tidying the house than engaging with him... A) he could not know how I was emotionally handling the SAHM gig. He was probably projecting frustration that I was detaching from him. (B) I discovered that I’m actually better at the SAHM thing when I’m detached from him, so for him to take his criticism outside of our marriage to another woman when I was putting forth more effort than usual in housekeeping (while he just watches TV, fyi) and played with his phone sans accountability software (a boundary of mine he disregarded) pisssssed me off.
     
  15. Vixen

    Vixen Fapstronaut

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    Oh and he has recanted in apology with repeatedly telling me he does think I’m a good mother.

    Duh, I’m a good mother. Mother of twins and toddler. Might as well be heralded the mighty mother of dragons! *Twinter has come* and yet my husband seems to be in some sort of game of thrones against me.

    And all chaos considered I’m a damn fine SAHM too. There aren’t enough hours in the day to perfectly entertain/bond, take kids on outings and play dates, pick up groceries, meal prep, nurse, coerce toddler to eat, diapers, tidy, have breaks for self care (especially with betrayal trauma) and also do career stuff.

    And it’s normal for things to not be perfect in this kind of climate with three small children. I told him he better adjust his expectations and attitude or participate more in cleaning. His lack of gratitude is toxic and I think one of the fundamental issues (including shame of self) that has fueled his compulsion in the past. I’m tired of him putting his feelings of inadequacy on me. Yeah I’m far from perfect but don’t throw your wife under the bus without even an ounce of empathy to another woman...
     
  16. EyesWideOpen

    EyesWideOpen Fapstronaut

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    Being a stay at home mom is the equivalent of two full time jobs, especially with 3 littles under the age of 5. No vacation, no smoke breaks, no weekends, no leaving for the night and coming back the next day. It's a damn hard job and not for the faint of heart. You are a super woman! The house does not need to be, nor can it be, cleaned and tidied at all times when you are home with small children all day. Anyone who thinks otherwise is severely misled.

    He should be kissing your feet for all you do, and have done for him. And haven't done for all his misgivings - intentional and not.

    You are a saint.
     
    Last edited: Mar 12, 2019
  17. Atomicflea

    Atomicflea Fapstronaut

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    I hear ya sistah! I’m also a SAHM dealing with husband’s PA and my trauma. We implement two tech-free nights when he gets home from work. Once baby is in bed, I can then finally get some self care usually in the form of bullet journaling.
     
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  18. Max Fisher

    Max Fisher Fapstronaut

    Besides the intangible value of raising your children day to day, your economic value to the household is equivalent to the cost of local childcare for 3 kids. I haven't looked up prices in a while but I assume it's close to a tie with rent or a mortgage. This is the cost you offset for the "privilege" of staying out of which workforce, which as others pointed out has laws about breaks, sick time, overtime etc. Things you aren't entitled to as a SAHM. It's a much harder job and interestingly enough makes his contibution easier on many levels considering he doesn't need to juggle doctors appts, call in from work when the kids are sick, get up in the night etc. He reeps the benefits of a perfect division of labor. He should be much more grateful...society should be much more grateful...sorry....but you know who will be the most grateful! Your kids! Whether they realize it or not.
     
  19. Queen_Of_Hearts_13

    Queen_Of_Hearts_13 Fapstronaut

    YES a million times Yes!

    @Vixen I have a 15 month old son and I am a SAHM (but I guess a WAHM as I own a company and do my best to run it while at home with him). I have told my husband so many times I need help. I cannot take care of Baby A all day while running a business and getting school work done (3 classes away from graduation) and clean the house. I can't even imagine having 3 kids, I am exhausted with just one. You are super mom! Any woman who stays home with their children is the best mom because she cares enough to realize that they need someone and she does her best to be there for the children.

    Being a SAHM is hard. It is 2 full-time jobs. You are trying to raise kids, and trying to feed them, and clean them, and take care of themselves. It's not easy. Unless my husband is home I don't get to shower because i can't, there is no time. Unless my husband is home I can't do all the housework and watch my son.

    You have three amazing children, and you are an amazing mom. Honestly, I know my mom and others might judge me for not having a perfect clean house, but what matters more is being there with your children rather than cleaning a house. Keep pushing through and moving forward, you're amazing!
     
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  20. Vixen

    Vixen Fapstronaut

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    Big of you to admit that. I can only hope that my husband eventually reaches a plane of insight, humility, empathy and concern comparable with what you so graciously share in these forums.
     
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