E.D??? Give this a read - I hope it helps :)

Hi All,

I wanted to post my story because if nothing else I just hope it reaches/reassures/helps someone in a similar position.

I'm 33 and have had pretty serious issues surrounding addiction for all of my adult life. I'm an alcoholic and painkiller addict (15 months clean and sober) and hospitalised myself with liver and kidney failure in March 2016, then relapsed until October of the same year. It's applicable because I just wanted to outline from the off, that I'm well and truly an addict in every sense.

I found myself in a relationship between April and Oct last year, and for the first time started having problems with erectile dysfunction. Quite literally from the first day it happened, I just couldn't get hard again. The relationship broke down for a number of reasons and the lack of sex during the last 4/5 weeks was one of them. I honestly didn't have a clue why though. I'd sneak off, watch porn, overcome the problem, and the second I'm naked with her, it'd drop, completely. I never knew what to say to her.

I felt ashamed, embarrassed, all the usual negative human emotions it's possible to feel and went into meltdown mode. I'd imagine previous sexual encounters in bed, watch porn on the sly, make excuses not to go to bed, it was literally on my mind every minute I was awake, and would often creep into my thoughts as dreams when I wasn't. So 24 hours a day! I'd often get a burning sensation in my lower back or a strange feeling in my jaw from the anxiety I caused myself, and would wake up in pools of sweat. I had no idea what had caused it, and actually blamed her (in my head, never to her), because I never knew excessive porn use causes E.D. I read it online but dismissed it as rubbish as I've been a heavy porn user for as long as I can remember and never had any issues.

Following the break up, I've been single since last October and purposefully not had sex with anyone. Not for reboot purposes or anything like that, just from the fear I'd get to that stage and be left standing there with a soft appendage and a stupid look on my face. This fear stopped me from living my life as I wanted, but more destructively compelled me to watch porn pretty much every chance I could, just to prove to myself there's not an issue. Now it might be important to add the porn I often watched was all pretty degrading. Gone were the days I could just watch an attractive couple have sex, I always wanted to see extremes, pushing the boundaries - the same behavior pattern which put me in hospital nearly 2 years ago. So I kinda knew the problem was with me.

Fast forward to November and a lass I've been into for years approached me online, and after some too and fro, we arranged a date 3 weeks ago. Now as I'm sure many of you on here can relate, I was terrified she'd want to come back and I just knew without question the old floppy curse would strike again - and sure enough it did. The day before new years eve we met up, and this girl is stunning, exactly my type, flirty, witty, charming, intelligent but forward. She put it on me to take her home, and being quite a confident guy my mouth was writing cheques that I knew my broken sex pistol couldn't cash. When we got back, kissing wasn't having any effect (as it always did in the past, but mirrored the issues with the ex last year) so I faked illness. Food poisoning or some other nonsense - In hindsight I should have been honest.

We agreed another date the following weekend, but this time I'd be prepared. From then on I've abstained from PMO altogether. Now this in itself presented a lot of insecurities as I had no idea still if it was the porn use causing the problem. All kinds of fanciful reasons were flying around my broken brain, which I now recognise as excuses to watch porn (I know how my brain works). I actually found personally, that first week wasn't too difficult. I'd feel the urge every day (although I was, and still am off work using up excess holiday days) but the thought of a beautiful girl in my bed and having to make excuses for the second week running was a way worse outcome. The weekend came around and so too did all the insecurity. And rather predictably it happened again. The difference being I achieved an erection before the act itself. A first in a long time. Now this gave me some direction because I now knew it was 100% porn use which was behind it, and after a weeks abstinence I was slowly getting there. After everything I put myself through as a result of my many addictions I find I can talk to people quite openly and honestly about my issues. For anyone reading this, please trust me - it's the best way. I told her I had issues with E.D (however I didn't tell her why, it was too soon) and she was (I think) cool with it. I think we all have a tendency to build these things up in our minds to epic proportions, when in actual fact, it's never as big a deal as it is in your head. We arranged a third date last weekend.

The week leading up to it I had the strength the abstain once again from PMO for the same reasons as before, however this time I had further motivation, because although it may have been brief, I DID achieve an erection the week before. Now this week was hard. I found myself putting a tonne of pressure on myself because of the two previous weeks. Plus I was engaging quite a lot in 'sexting' - which given the circumstances probably wasn't a smart move. I didn't have wood in the mornings that week which was being caused by, and adding to my state of panic about the weekend. I caught myself trying to force an erection using my imagination, which as I'm sure a lot of you out there find tricky to accomplish, also after bombarding your brain with hardcore porn for years. We went for a bite in town and came back. I'll protect her modesty by keeping it vague - we had sex all weekend. Not once did I have an issue. In fact he was present and correct and standing to attention when I didn't want or need him... I'd just have to look at her. It felt right and very natural for the first time in a long time. I didn't need to think about anything other than her to achieve an erection or a "happy ending"... Now I'm getting them when and how mother nature had intended!

I know every case is different but here's what helped me. I think it's all centered around three points. Firstly being honest with my partner. I found everything went far smoother from that point on. Secondly having confidence in PMO abstention and knowing it works. I know there's no magic number, for me it was 13 days. I'm sure there are many factors which affect this number, however I hope it's comforting to know it will happen as long as you wait for it. It was comforting to me. Thirdly trying to stay relaxed about the whole situation. This was the bitch of the bunch because E.D comes with all manors of neurosis, insecurities and general craziness. However I found once I took a deep breath and 'had a word with myself' about thinking irrationally I could drag myself back on track. The first two points helped with this, especially the honesty part. I found nature could take it's course by implementing those three things.

Now I'm aware this story is only really applicable for those dating while going through a reboot, but for those out there suffering with porn addiction/addiction in general, I'd just like to offer something based on my past and overall experience with the illness. I took myself to the brink of death and I'm one of the very few who came back after relapse. In my life I've had to overcome issues with coke, alcohol, codeine, weed, caffeine (believe it or not), over eating and now porn (not including depression and anxiety). If I can be that weak and find the inner strength to come back I feel like I can do anything, and so can you. However messed up your past and wherever you're at in life - You are strong enough to beat it I promise you, you just have to want it. It's not easy, but f##k easy. Opening this laptop to share this story came with it's own problems - I felt a really strong compulsion to watch porn and have all day as a result (I've popped back in to edit some spelling mistakes). It will always be there for most of you unfortunately, as it will me but we do it to ourselves. Whatever the reason is you've gone down this path, if you can understand it, find the balls (females included) to face it head on and you'll conquer it.

Life can be beautiful when you look at it with a clear mind.

I hope this helps

B