Early on in my journey, a 30 year olds attempt at a new lease on life

Hello nofap community. I can honestly say that this is the first time in my life where I have found hope for change. This is all very new to me as I've been a lurker my whole reddit life never a poster. Here is my story...

To me, porn was normal. Something to pass the time. A quick way to blow of steam when I was alone. Never in my wildest dreams did I think that it was the cause for all my insecurities, social awkwardness, anxiety, procrastination, and shame. I recently stumbled upon r/nofap after constant search for a "cure" to my depression. I've tried therapy...briefly, self help books, and plenty of other improvement attempts to squash the internal pain I feel on a regular basis. My wife has been supportive of my issues, however I've never told her to what extent I would masturbate or watch porn out of pure shame.

My addiction started at a fairly young age. It began with discovering a tape in my father's closet, continued with learning about the late night channels available where I cleverly at 13 would pop in a vhs tape and hit record during the night with the tv off. Later with the internet in its early days learned how to download images and videos with peer to peer sites like Kazaa & Bearshare and on and on into the internet of today. Even reminiscing about these tactics bring my a weird sense of joy, almost as if I am looking back on fond memories of the good ol days.

Fast forward to today, where I have a good job and a wonderful wife, however I feel empty on the inside. My addiction grew to masturbating 1-2 times a day and scrolling through porn almost anytime I had down time. I suffer from fairly severe social anxiety depending on the situation. If anyone of confidence or authority comes nearby my head instantly goes down, I become shaky, cant speak without stumbling over my words, basically become jello before their eyes. It has gotten to the point where people will avoid me because the awkwardness is too much. When the time comes for me to be assertive, I muster up the strength and give it my all, but I tend to come off like a complete asshole, the whole time thinking this is not who I am. Porn has made it who I've become.

Speaking with women has also become a daunting task. I am a very kind person. Love to help out when help is needed. However, I put on an act to hide the fact that I am objectifying women all the time. All I want is to be friendly and grow deeper relationships with those around me but I cannot stop sexualizing women. I know I would never ever act on these urges but I have a difficult time wiping them from my mind. To ensure I don't, I've created a mental barricade if you will, for years where I refrain from making any sort of physical contact with any women other than my wife unless absolutely necessary (handshakes, etc.).

The pain continues on with a lack of guy friends. I've struggled maintaining strong friendships because I dislike the machismo "Bro" mentality. Not exactly sure how to explain what I mean, but i'm sure you get the idea. Because of this I tend to stay home, watch netflix and do the deed.

The pain is real, no self esteem and no motivation. I've been hiding this shameful part of me from the world for so long that I don't even know who I really am anymore. It is so difficult realizing that you have an addiction, especially when no one else is able to see it. This is why I am so thankful for the nofap community. You have brought me hope that I will break these chains and rediscover who I am.

I am on day 3 of my 30 day reboot where my goal is to stop watching porn and masturbating. After 30 I plan to renew for another and another.

My goals are to rid myself of porn altogether, gain back confidence, squash my social anxiety issues, and fight my depression. To become a proactive person, refraining from procrastination.

I need all the support I can get to fight through this. Thank you all who read my story. For those dealing with the same issues, I'd love to hear your story as well and offer support.

TLDR:

30 year old male with 20 years of porn addiction. Day 3 of no PM for 30 days. Porn has caused severe depression, social anxiety, shame, and uncomfortable social interactions which I need help to reverse. Please send support. Hope my story offers help to others as well.

 

Thanks for the reply and I appreciate the support. It reassuring to know I'm not alone in this. Today's my first true test of will power as I have the place to myself. Is this your first attempt?