ED / Starting a Streak / Changing My Life / Saving My marriage

Hey Everyone,

I have been addicted to so many things in life: tobacco, alcohol, porn, video games, food and drugs to some extent. I considered myself a bad guy, was very manipulative and did a lot of things that I am not proud of. I was going no where, didn't have a bright future and definitely should have been dead or in jail. When I met why wife, my whole life began to change. Through her I began a journey of self healing, recovery and self love. Today, I am a very successful businessman and have been drug and alcohol free for over 6 years. I'm a much more moderate person many areas of my life, and I've been able to live in freedom from the majority of the addictions that used to plague me. Food and pornography remain the two obstacles left in my path from living a completely free life.

I have always had a very active sex drive. For most of my life and marriage, I was able to masturbate 2-3 times a day and still have sex with my wife at the end of the day. We have been together for 6 years, and for the first 4, she knew that I watched porn. She watched too occasionally and didn't care that I PMO'd. About 2 years ago, I had told her that I didn't want to watch it anymore, because I thought that it was getting in the way of our connection. She agreed and so I quit watching for a few months. Unfortunately, I was sucked backed into the vortex and started watching it, but did not tell her. After a particularly caffeinated morning, we began having sex, and I had my first occurrence of erectile disfunction. I came clean to her and told her, and thought maybe the porn was the reason that I was having performance issues. It really fucked with my mind and I felt so emasculated. For several months after, I wasn't watching porn, but my dick would work sometimes, but others not. She was very supportive and after a decent period of time, it started working normally.

The story continues with more nuance, but it's not relevant to this issue at hand. I've been trapped in the cycle of porn addiction again, and my dick has been acting up more often. I know the reason why, and I feel like such a betrayer that I am watching porn. I'm not able to satisfy my wife, and I know that it is taking a toll. I didn't go to work today, because I was sick, and ended up PMO'ing 6 times, telling myself that this is it, and things have to change. I am so tired of being trapped in this cycle. This woman means more to me than anything else in the world, and this addiction is warping our relationship and damaging her self worth. It's making me appear as a weak man, and I am actively choosing these other women on the screen above the beautiful person that I have in my life.

I quit drinking and doing drugs because I knew that if I didn't, I was going to lose her. I have to stop watching pornography and living this secret life, because if I don't - I'm going to lose her. The funny thing about this addiction, and most addictions in general, is that you don't even enjoy it most of the time. There are so many times while in the middle of a PMO and I will be saying to myself, "I don't enjoy this. I don't want to be doing this." I don't believe the 12 step recovery mantra that I am powerless over this addiction. I've quit so many negative vices in my life, and I did it because I mustered up my will power, leverage and belief and beat those fucking addictions. I am going be a man of substance and character, and reserve all of my heart for the woman I love. I am going to stop PMO'ing, get in shape and have rock hard erections for my wife. I'm going to shed the old cloak of impulse and corrosive bondage that porn has held my under. I'm going to stop, right now, get better and beat this shit. I've done it before with other vices and god damnit - I'm going to do it with this one. I will be using this page as a daily journal. Let's burn the fucking ships and go all in. No retreat. I choose to win against this bondage today!

 

It's been since Wednesday and my streak continues. I feel like I am not looking at girls as much on the street (actively trying not to) and I'm staying away from PMO. My ED has been flaring up for a while, and I am a little bit nervous when I have sex with my wife, but I have to realize that this is a process. It really bums me out, thinking about over the next month or 2 while my brain is rewiring that I could continue to struggle with ED. I wonder as well if my wife will stop looking at my in a masculine manner if this problem persists. That's why it's so important that this streak continue, and watching porn be a thing of the past. My marriage is so important to me, and I want to ensure that my wife knows where she stands in this relationship as the only thing that matters. I am going to continue to push through these difficult times and stay on the path. Much love.

 

Cock rings man, cock rings... 2 - not just the traditional one that goes over your dick and your shaft, but also one that goes over your shaft 2. These 2 together produce rock hard erections - awesome for people who are struggling to get over ED from porn. I have been abstaining from porn and masturbation, but have been having sex with my wife, and it's been great the last week. MY mind feels so much less violent without watching porn. I am really feeling good!

 

Man... I was going on such a good streak and I relapsed. It was only 21 days and I fell through. I'm really disappointed in myself! I got that itch, I knew that if I logged on here to write out a journal, I could probably weather the storm and not give in to temptation, but I fucking made a conscious choice to give in to my urges, and that just really sucks. My sexual performance with my wife has been getting so much better with hard erections and no ED problems. Our connection has been so much more real, because I have been viewing her as my sexual partner, and not some objects on the screen. I masturbated like 4 times, and I feel like I really let myself down. I don't want to read my original thread from this post, because it will just remind of of the failure I just endured, but I am going to have to. Porn drove a wedge between my wife and I, and that wedge was getting smaller and smaller - I have no idea why I would make a conscious decision to put it back there. I can't let this failure detour me - I am going to get back up on the horse and start again today.