Edging and ruin

I developed edging because I am a spiritual person and o isnt good in a spiritual sense as one drains important substance that affects the brain. That’s why spirituality and sex have a sich deep correlation and need to be treaded very cautiously.

I developed therefore stronger and stronger to edge and stay in a state of arousal for hours. Watching porn or engaging in silly online chatting.

I developed then that the loss of the substance didn’t have this spiritual effect anymore. This is where it turned dangerous as I had no natural blockage anymore that held me back. First it was a liberation not to have effects anymore but because I had no barrier, I then could o multiple times which allowed me to extend my sessions substantially and at the end over even many hours over days with many o.

The effect this drain had each time was very severe. It was - now looking back - completely depleting myself of all substance. Many o over many days with each day many hours of edging sessions. This is like the massive use of drug or being heavily drunk for many days like a heavy alcoholic. I reached a new low. I however also first time had the impression that I can really get lost to addiction to a degree I never felt before and that this can completely take over my life and ruin it.
I had an addiction issue long time but I could handle overall and still build up a lot of very good things in my life.
The massive effect it had each time on energy depletion however, Depression for few days feeling of such deep regret. Physically weak impaired even. Memory loss so I thought I had a medical condition. Impact on eye vision. Mood swings that were heavy and strong unreasonable irritability.

Continuation of this would completely destroy my life thats clear.
The good thing is that I remembered my ability to refrain and have this behaving under control and how productive life was and how much I worked on building myself up. This insight inspired me to doing the 365 day challenge which I feel I can master and that these experiences ultimately can even catapult me into heights because I find the true causes of why this happened and why there always was an issue and being able to get over the entire theme altogether.
I am glad to be here and will follow my discipline to report each single day