Eggplantmasher's journal - Is he really a PA?

Discussion in 'Significant Other Journals' started by eggplantmasher, Jun 6, 2020.

  1. eggplantmasher

    eggplantmasher New Fapstronaut

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    The name's Christina. Age 35. Husband's age is 36. I've been together with my husband for 12years. Married for 3. Last time we had sex was on our wedding night...

    When we first started dating sex happened everytime we saw each other and then slowly went from that to once a week, to less and less where it is now nonexistent. It was me that initiated the majority of times. I could count on one hand the number of times he initiated with me. We married at a resort in Mexico. On our wedding night was the last night that we ever had sex. The hotel included free porn on the tv so I thought that would help which it did. At that time, I did not know that porn addiction existed. After a few months of trying after we were married, I was sick and tired of getting the "I'm tired" line so I just stopped initiating. And I'm still waiting for him to want me.

    During the first year of marriage, I was starting to doubt. Our normal is to hug and kiss and cuddle but that's it. No sex. Does he think that I'm not attractive? Am I fat? It can't be! I weigh the same. I look the the same. Men still hit on me. Is he having an affair? Did I marry a homosexual? I don't know. For our anniversary we go on vacation. "I'm tired". I shouldn't have even tried. I go into the hotel room bathroom and cry.

    Couple months later, I find out that he watches porn on his laptop. I typed in w. w. in the browser and it suddenly pops up the porn website. That's the most common website that he goes to. I'm still oblivious to the fact that there is such a thing as addiction to porn. It's the beginning of me looking at his browser history and what kind of videos he watches. Well... he's not gay.

    He gets into cycling in the summer. He starts seeing a massage therapist because his cycling is "making his muscles hurt". She decides to ask him to introduce her to the sport. They start cycling together. I notice that he started watching videos containing massages. He starts calling her his "good friend". I've never actually met her. She gets him to buy her stuff because he has amazon prime. That's really weird. I finally meet her and her husband because she's picking up her packages. One day when husband and her get ready for a day of cycling, she casually mentions that she has a lawyer that had drawn up a prenup for her. I can't remember why she mentioned that. They're texting each other everyday. I'm starting to really worry about their friendship. I'm telling him that he's emotionally cheating on me. He blows it off.

    In the fall, he checks his email on my laptop and he leaves it on there and says he's going to see his friend and talk about cars. I check his email and see that he has an appointment for a massage. He lied. I've lost trust in him. I confront him about it. He apologizes to me that he hid that he went for a massage because he knows how I do not like how close they are. He tells me that he won't lie about going to a massage again. He gets upset that I looked at his email and he needs his privacy. He mentions how his past relationships ended because of privacy issues. (And now when I type this, I think that maybe he was a porn addict before we were together and had the same issues with his past relationships.) He starts hiding his phone. I start to try to look at who he's texting so he starts flipping the phone over when we are together and bringing his phone with him wherever he goes. She's sending him selfies. I've seen it pop up on his phone. Nothing sexual but still, it means that she wants attention from him.

    I continue to question what is wrong with our sex life and our marriage. I start reading relationship books and then eventually find deadbedrooms on reddit which then lead me to learn about porn addiction and NoFap. I'm not crazy!!!!

    I start snooping even more. I'm pretty computer savvy so I know how to get into his accounts. I can see where he's gone for the day, look at what apps and websites he looks at on his phone, and all of the photos he's saved on his phone.

    We're doing a project where he needed friends/family to help. She couldn't help but offers him a free massage instead. I'm freaking out when he tells me that. He thinks it's just a friend helping out anyway she can. Sooo many red flags.

    I book a couples counselling session with a counsellor with CSAT because I'm convinced he has a porn addiction.

    The new year has come. We have our first counselling session. Our second anniversary vacation happens without any occurrences. We come back home and I start looking at his facebook account. He sent her selfies while we were on vacation!!!

    We continue to see the therapist. I tell him that I feel trapped in the marriage. I tell him that I feel like our pet dog because we hug, kiss and cuddle with our dog the same way as in our marriage. We both fill out some kind of test to see if we have the tendencies of a sexual addict. I don't. His result is at the borderline of sexual addicts. He denies that he is one. I finally tell him how I found out that I noticed that his porn website is the website he sees the most. He then admits that he looks at porn.

    For the next six months, he continues to deny that he's a porn addict and continue to deny that he's emotionally cheating on me with his massage therapist. "I can live without sex. You'll just have to get used to it." Well, I can't. I tell him to try to not watch porn for a year and if we still don't have sex, then I can easily find someone else to have sex with. You'll just have to get used to it. He actually stops watching porn. In that six months, we stop seeing a therapist. "We need to work on ourselves before we can see him again." I continue to see my own therapist for my PTSD. Husband's massage therapist gets a divorce. He continues to text her everyday. I look into legally reporting her and I have told the husband that. He gets upset that I'm even thinking about doing it and threatens a divorce if I ever report it. Why is he not thinking about my feelings? Why is he putting his "friendship" before our marriage?? By fall, I don't know what happened but they've stopped texting everyday. Maybe it was the last time I threatened him saying that it's going to go bad on her business and for him. Maybe something did happen between him and he finally realized what he was doing? Not sure. They're still friends but they're not talking everyday. I don't think they're sending each other selfies anymore and he's not hiding his phone.

    So he's stopped looking at porn but he's looking at Psubs. I'm slowly not looking at his browser history on his phone as often. I found out that he's looking at psubs on facebook. You can see his video history and facebook search history. I think he knows when I know. I can't look at him or touch him when I'm upset.

    The last time I found out that he looked at a psub was two weeks ago. He searched one of his guy friends that always posts sexy pictures of women. I put a sticky note on the shower door saying to wash his sperm off. It did need to be washed. I found some crust on the shower door.

    I've done so much crying over the past three years that I don't anymore. Sometimes I try but nothing happens. Sometimes I'm disappointed. Sometimes I'm angry. I'm angry that he's put me in this situation. If I had known before we married, I would never have married him.

    So is he a porn addict? He wasn't watching it everyday. He was watching it biweekly and said he masturbated every second day. I don't know. All I know is that I have trauma. I have become insecure and anxious.

    TLDR; No sex and emotional cheating makes Christina a lil cray cray.
     
  2. Psalm27:1my light

    Psalm27:1my light Fapstronaut

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    I think no sex for 3 years would make anybody a lil cray cray! Sorry you are going through this. What in the world does He say about the fact that you haven’t had sex in 3 years??? Ain’t nobody that stressed or tired unless they are deathly ill.
     
  3. eggplantmasher

    eggplantmasher New Fapstronaut

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    He would say "I can live without sex" which then I would reply "then I will find someone who will have sex with me". I've asked him to try to stop watching pornography to see if it's PIED.
     
  4. Psalm27:1my light

    Psalm27:1my light Fapstronaut

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    What do you want? Until he admits there is a problem then nothing will change. Obviously your wants and needs don’t matter if you’ve talked about the lack of sex and his response is he can live without it. That’s very typical for a sex addict. They masturbate or get sex outside the marriage while neglecting and avoiding sex within the relationship. So, you need to decide what you are going to do, he seems happy with your arrangement.
     
  5. eggplantmasher

    eggplantmasher New Fapstronaut

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    I have confronted him about how I found out the pornography website he was using was his most used website. He's admitted that he's watched pornography after the confrontation. I'm not sure if that's the same thing as admitting that he's an addict though.

    He has stopped looking at websites for almost a year. He still looks at porn subs which then I confront him about it and that is also lessoning as well. The last time was two weeks ago. He hasn't said the "I can live without sex" for a year now but I still threaten him that I will find someone else to have sex with me which then he gets really upset about after I say it.

    I don't think I'm ready to leave him yet since I think he is trying.
     
  6. Real Roboin

    Real Roboin Fapstronaut

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    It is not normal to be in a marriage and not have sex, that is a form of abuse.
     

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