Ejaculation Lucid Dream. Journey of life. Mental obsessing over improving.

[Move Like Water]

My girlfriend and I broke up which caused me to rethink a lot of things that I do. I started NoFap since thanksgiving of last year (2019). Since then I really felt obsessed with making myself better and being perfect. I smoked a lot of weed a drank a fair amount of alcohol before this. I merely did not like smoking weed any more it made me anxious, and I do not like drinking alcohol any more as it makes my mind foggy and sometimes depressed. I decided yesterday to have a drink at dinner with my friends at the beach. Even just one drink I felt some effects, not a ton, but it was noticeable. I did not really want to drink but I got lured in and made an excuse that it would taste good, which it did.
Anyway in the past drinking and smoking have definitely been triggers for me. Especially when hungover. I also have gone vegan since December-ish. I just have felt like I have been trying to be such a perfectionist and it is hard to enjoy things I really should not be doing, like smoking, drinking, fapping, now eating animal products, and also just being distracted in life in general. I think that attitude is pretty good but it can be tiring sometimes. I focus on meditating twice a day and also just try to remind myself to relax. After the drink and dinner we all had a great night, although I'm hesitant to say I would have had any less fun if I did not have that one drink. When I got home much later I could just feel the after effects, sloshy stomach, acidity, not really caring, harder to think sharp, harder to meditate; I resisted it but I could feel myself going back into my care free days when I did smoke and drink. I cannot be mad at myself because I made a conscious decision to have the drink, but I almost knew it was not what I wanted, as I abstained from drinking for a long time and no longer like the effects. Especially how it disrupts your sleep and hurt muscles repairing and can add fat to you.
I ended up taking a nice cold shower and then going to bed as I usually do. I had a dream where I knew I was in it and was just searching for a girl to please me. I have done this before and I earlier decided that it should not be the first thing I think about doing when I go lucid in a dream because that still means that is all I am really thinking about; so I would focus on other things while lucid like flying or stuff like that. I went through a large handful of these dreams with sex, and I never actually wet my pants, this time I did. I could feel myself pealing over the edge and I did not stop because I experienced similar situations before and did not ejaculate, but I was just so wired to get the dopamine it took over myself. I really knew at the time it was not a great idea but I thought I could get away with it because I was in a dream and I thought I was immune to wet dreams for some reason, just thought I could orgasm in a dream without ejaculation.
I woke up immediately after in regret and panic and checked my pants, wow the first time in about 7-8 months I released my load. I felt a bit relaxed, but also brain foggy. I feel like I am now more attracted to women and want to try to pursue them more, but I am not sure if it is in the right way. I do not feel like I lost all that progress, because I still feel very strong and motivated because if I could do NoFap for that long I can easily continue it throughout my life. I really do feel more urges, I do feel like I want to touch myself more, I do feel more allured by girls pictures online or in life. As before I would almost tie down my feelings and just ignore how they made me feel, like quickly scroll through a girl if she has a hot picture on Instagram.
I can tell my brain now wants to see some more stuff to have dopamine like I use to. I do not totally feel like crap, mostly because I believe I am being easy on myself and not blaming myself to much for this lucid dream. I am mad because I feel that without the alcohol the urge would not have been there even to do it in my dream. I guess I just love the life of abstaining from any sex and drugs, I feel for me the trample on each other, especially alcohol leading to wanting sex in an unnatural way. And when I fap or even just this lucid dream ejaculation I feel that my dopamine spikes and then my brain constantly wants more dopamine, so I can feel more satisfied and less anxious about doing things that are distracting me like smoking, drinking, or even looking at girls photos. I have been focusing on breathing deeply to and in my lucid dream I definitely was not breathing deep which basically caused premature ejaculation, the orgasm was not nearly as long or as satisfying as I would expect it to be after 7-8 months. Man I really wish that did not happen but all I can do is move forward with my life. After stopping fapping, smoking weed which I smoked a ton everyday all day, and drinking alcohol I have really been trying to improve myself, and in the processes I just find myself wanting to do what is good for me and rethinking everything I do. I kind of find myself living a pretty rigid lifestyle where I won't want to do things I use to always do and feel that I cannot waste much time and I have to have a reason to do everything like rest or even an excuse to eat poorly when I indulge in ice cream. I can say that I relapsed with weed and smoked it since December and it felt even worse, like I couldn't come back from all the anxiety and brain fog. But I believe in myself to come back from this, and I believe and invite you to believe in yourself that no matter what happens you will move forward in life and improve yourself. I am going to mediate and then probably grab some coffee (hah another dopamine flood) and do a lot of things that I have been slacking off on to make me feel like this was not a bad thing. Sometimes I feel like I need to have a bad experience to be stronger and more motivated which is bad. I need to motivate myself when everything is going well. For one example when I drank or when I really do anything I try to pull out the value and what I can learn from the experience; and not to just merely learn from it, but to use it as an excuse to why I am doing it. Like if I drink but then I try to come up with new ideas or write something it was worth it. I have also been going gluten free to see if it helps me feel better, and right now I am highly debating going to the restaurant near me and getting a stellar breakfast burrito. I almost want someone to be like ah man it is cool you can eat that or do that for everything I do to make me feel like I am not breaking the rules or something, when in reality it is all my choice. That is another thing I usually only want clean cut food, it makes me feel good, but if I drink especially the morning after I just crave more junkier food, and even droll at the sight of a nice cheese pizza, which is not vegan. Right now I feel like I could just indulge in a lamb gyro or something like that, but I would feel guilty, bloated, and low energy after it. I guess I kind of live my life listening to other people advice and trying to research what is best for me, when in reality I need to just experience it for myself. Like if there was just a list of things I exactly need to do to have an amazing, fulfilling, and happy life I would do them. But there is not, and I guess that is the beauty of life; life is what you make it. Right now I am figuring out what I want to make it. Let me know what you guys think. I really process things when I type or write them out so I feel better after writing this out, but if you can add your two cents on it I would appreciate that, or if you can gain anything from my experiences that would be spectacular. Stay positive =)

 

[PappinAce]

What you've described is something that I also sometimes experience. When we look back into the past, there appear to be series of crucial moments in our lives, moments where our actions seemed to determine our fate and reverberate all the way into the present. There is often a creeping temptation to revisit certain crux moments, imagining how my life would have unfolded if I would have kept my calm here, not intoxicated myself with alcohol there, been more patient there, been less prideful here, and so on. Or simply to wallow in astonishment at how ignorant I was in the past, and how my actions must have been perceived by the people that I hurt.

We do this with things that happened ten years ago and with things that happened ten days ago. Just last weekend my friends and I ran a 10k. I had been training for over a month, waking up and running at least five miles a day before breakfast every other day, eating vegan, stretching in between. After the race we went out for breakfast, and feeling like some kind of demi-god, I figured there would be no harm in eating something with eggs for this one moment. From that moment on I felt as though I lost my sense of presence, and for the rest of the weekend I made the wrong decisions, felt inattentive, compulsive...somehow we get into this "I can handle just one" mode of thinking, but we're approaching it the wrong way. It's not about whether or not we can do some kind of defilement and bear it unwaveringly. When we give way to these things, it means that we have not fully believed in our convictions up to that point. I can definitely understand what you say about always following someone's instructions. I read and listen to all kinds of 'gurus'; Sadhguru, Eckhart Tolle, Alan Watts, whomever, and I can understand that they speak truth, and I try to incorporate these things into my daily life, but if I'm adopting virtuous behavior because I heard someone speak of it, even if that someone is sensible, it feels like something fake, tacked on.

I think it's best to keep the faith. If there is still the sense of a 'decision' within us when there is beer, or weed, or option to PMO, or whatever, then something within us is still wavering. If it weren't, then there would not even be deliberation. This will come about naturally. In the meantime, we should try our best to stay conscious of our long-term goals, and not spend days / months destroying ourselves for past slips.

If you don't mind, I would love to hear more about your relationship with cannabis. I have struggled with it for the past four years, and in that time frame I do not think I have made it 90 days sober. This past week I have been binging, with weed for breakfast, lunch, and dinner. Without cannabis, I can't seem to find that wordless clarity, that feeling where all my convictions come to the surface and I have no doubts about what needs to be done. When it wears off I am back to my pleasure-seeking. Like you said, substances and sensual lust can form a symbiotic relationship, with the indulgence of one giving life to the other...if I am to get back to living life, I feel that I need to give up both.

For what it's worth, I believe you are much further along than I am, despite your lapse. Substances are a slippery slope.

You sound like you are an experienced lucid dreamer. I would be curious about what sorts of insights you have gained from your dreams. I have only gone lucid once in the past four months. If I could cultivate more presence of mind throughout the day I think I would do better in sleep. My biggest obstacle is that I cannot sit comfortably because of my tight hips. It's going to take probably three years of daily yoga before I can even approach lotus. It's hard to be meditative when crippled...or maybe this is just an excuse that I make for myself.

I hope that you are staying positive, and that you had a good day today.

 

[Move Like Water]

Thanks so so much for the reply. I am so glad someone can somewhat relate to what I am going through. You really helped me get my mind straight and I plan on rereading your post more in the future. If you can could you please expand on this. I feel what you are saying but I want to know more what you mean, like what is still wavering.
"If there is still the sense of a 'decision' within us when there is beer, or weed, or option to PMO, or whatever, then something within us is still wavering. If it weren't, then there would not even be deliberation."
I have been doing a lot better since my wet dream, I think a lot of it was just me shaming myself for it so I really focused on just moving forward and not feeling bad for myself, as you helped me do. However, I did notice that I had some acne pop up but I can already feel it going away. This could be a combination of what I was eating to, but I heard acne is something that pops up when you fap. Also, the acne wasn't terrible but I found myself tripping over it, like focusing on it so much and making it a big deal and trying to make sure it went away. This is my old way of living before I stopped fapping. When I stopped fapping I kinda stopped tripping and worrying over what my acne looked like-it did get better which is partly why, but when some acne popped up I didn't over react or worry about it. So I really tried to just relax and not worry about it and it is going away.
I ended up taking one shot of gin with some friends while I visited them. To be honest, that gin taste was great, I love the way it tingles my mouth. I am not sure what it is but gin specifically I love. I think that if my friends didn't drink I would never entertain the thought, but since I am around it so much sometimes it seems like it could be a good idea. Although I do not plan on ever getting really drunk because I do not like not being able to be in control of myself. I especially hate the negative feelings that comes with a night of drinking, nausau, headache, that depressing feeling of withdrawl, it really is not worth it for me. But since I am sometimes around it, I just ponder about it, could it be helpful? could I use this in a good way? Like oh, maybe if I take a shot or two or have a beer maybe I will be able to have better socializing skills (sometimes works for me, but now I feel staying sober to remember what we talked about and also articulating my speech and pondering stuff seems way easier dead sober) but there is just something in my brain that is like heyy cammaaannn just a little bit. So I did take that shot. I recall allowing this girl to trim my beard with her razor and after not being able to shave it, trim it with some kitchen scissors, haha, she did an alright job! I do not think this is something I would have ever allowed to happen if I was sober but maybe I would have. I do not really remember feeling anything really maybe just a tiny bit freer to talk and give out hugs.
Part of my calmness and ability to be free and let her cut my beard I attribute to 1) I had been thinking about going fully shaven and 2 the bigger one) I took a lot of CBD that night. I like taking CBD from time to time, although I do not smoke CBD or THC. It really helps me calm down and release anxieties, but I do not like doing it that often because it can kind of make me lazy, particularly if I take a lot of it often I just want to sleep. I would definitely recommend try some CBD oil. I am taking the Lazuras brand CBD full spectrum oil right now, it has about 60mg cbd and 2mg thc per serving. It doesn't sound like a lot but looking back on it if I am taking multiple servings it can get up there. Granted I use to take thc edibles with far more thc that 200mg so that would not have done much to me but since I havn't used weed in a while it hits. Since my awakening you could say, I have not enjoyed weed, it made me anxious. So CBD is a great way for me to gain the relaxing benefits from weed without the paranoia. It is so odd for me because I have never really been that paranoid from weed, maybe like the first time I smoked it and my mom called that she is on the way to pick me up, but besides that it has been little paranioas but they were just situational or just like little things I was tripping about.
Since my awakening I was straight up tripping out like damn why did I do this fuck, I cannot even explain, I can barley remember, but I was just tweaking out thinking I was fucking up. I believe since then I have gained confidence in myself and gained hobbies so I could like make raps, play bass guitar, drum, draw, ect. if I did get high. One thing I realized from that one smoke after stopping for a while, although I was paranoid out of my mind, I realized that at the end of the day, if I workout and eat, I do not really have any hobbies, I felt like I needed a friend and I did get a bite to eat with my boy who helped me calm down momentarily, but when I got back home after that I just wanted the high to be over and sleep it off and have a fresh start the next day, so I did not really do much maybe half listened to a podcast then forced myself to sleep. I was not and haven't really been interested my old hobbies like playing video games or watching random tv shows on netflix. I was not in the mindset to just get high and go back to those old ways, but when I did get high I did not really know anything else I could do. But now I have gained a few hobbies that I go to and could go to. It is so weird man, the weed literally has recently given me opposite effects as it has before, it made it harder for me to eat, more anxious, harder to sleep, I just felt like I had to DO SOMETHING, but in reality I felt I was good I just wanted to chill that is why I smoked. But I did realize that I did need to do something like gain some hobbies by myself that I can do especially at the end of the day instead of just wasting my time. I just felt so high I could not comprehend learning a new skill, although I did not try. I felt paranoid because I had homework due in the next couple days I wanted to do it but deep down I was like nah I cannot do that I am way too high to even think about it.
But man, I use to be high all the time, I use to take fat fat bong rips and do all my homework then take more and go to class. Read a page, bong rip, read a page hit from the joint, I lived like this throughout my college career, it was weird when I wasn't smoking and had to do work, it was harder to get in the mindset to do work but I had to push through it, especially because when I stopped, finals season was upon me so I did not have a choice I had to figure it out. Especially after working and studying all day to take a 7pm test and coming home after that and not taking a big fat bong and dab rip just felt awkward. My brain was just like ah all that hard work let me get that reward I always get, but I couldn't, I knew the weed would not actually make me feel that good, rather the opposite. Same with alcohol.
Except that one gin shot, I think part of it was the situation I was in, the cbd I took, the fact that it was gin (damn I just love the taste of gin, and the taste of good scotch/whiskey or a delicious beer, especially the hoppy stuff, I just like stuff that will kick me back, pickled veggies and blacker than black coffee), and the fact that it was straight liquor, as I think a big reason I dislike drinking is because I feel it makes me feel bloating and just sloshy if that makes any sense. All that sugar from the drink at the beach I had before I had that lucid relapse and just a beer here or there that makes me feel slugish. But looking back even some wine made me feel shitty after my awakening so I could just be lying to myself. But I loved that taste of the gin even though it was not top shelf by any means. I think not mixing it with sugary stuff or drinking a beer made me like it more to. Anyway, being around stuff just makes me think hm maybe it will help me be freer if I drink alcohol I will be able to make more interesting music or something like that to. Similar thing with weed, hmmm it will give me a different perspective, I could come up with more interesting rhyme schemes or discover something cool, see something in different light.
I use to rarely smoke cigarettes a few years ago, it is crazy because being sober now I know those are so bad for you but I was just chasing the serotonin and the good feelings in the moment. Never bought my own cigs, but I might take one if offered back in freshman year of college, especially if I was drunk, might even try to dip and regret it. With my friends smoking cigs around me I know I should not do it, and probably would not even enjoy it if I did especially because the scratch throat feeling and the shaming I would put myself under even if I just dragged a cigerette or even a nicotine device; but for some reason it just intrigues me so much, I am just like wow it would feel really good and it seems like a vibe. But again, I was never a big smoker or felt like I needed to smoke, but just that feeling to want to experience that serotonin, I have had dreams of me smoking cigs and it is just so weird to me because I felt like I did not even like them, but I guess deep down somewhere they trigger something. It does not help that they are so visually appealing, and I just love chilling with something in my hand and seeing it burn down like that. I miss blunts, use to smoke a lot of dutch masters and I just love how they burn slow and you just hold them and chill and they do not go out. I tried smoking a cigar to have this similar vibe but I hated it, it was kind of ish enjoyable, just the vibe, the buzz got me feeling weird and I felt like my lungs did not agree with it either, even though I was not directly inhaling the cigar, just being around the smoke.
Now, even if I did go back to weed (maybe when my life has progressed more or even just when I retire) I am seriously contemplating just going straight edibles because the smoke just seems bad for you, and I have in the past have had chronic coughs (lol chronic coughs) and also have minor asthma. Maybe just maybe ill go back to joints and glass in a long time, but I don't see that really happening, but I just cant get myself to reason smoking a blunt, but they are so fucking pleasing for some reason. But I know tobacco is just all bad so it makes no sense why I would do that. I love running to and pushing my cardio so it seems like there is no need to inhale smoke if I can just take an edible and feel good. But for some reason I just really liked smoking it to, even if I took edibles (I would take about a gram of oil at once some days, and have taken like 4grams worth of weed through edibles). But I would still be inclined to smoke after like..shitt can I get higher though. I remember smoking is a bit different of a high, more mind buzzing. Let me dive deeper. I use to smoke weed just to feel normal really, I feel like my brain really wanted/needed it. Sure I needed to smoke to feel like I was hungry, sleepy, counter act drinking nausea or bad feelings, and not be anxious, looking at the clock in class waiting for it to turn, I could just smoke then boom it would be over, most of the time, unless I had a presentation that day ='D. I really just used it day to day hour to hour because I felt like that is what I was suppose to do and that was what was going to make me feel happy and feel good. I really did personally over use it. I just was not mindfully making a choice it was always just yeah I have to do this. If I visited my parents house it was not should I bring weed? It was how am I going to sneak dab pens, dab rigs, edibles, and get away with it and get as stoned as possible.
The only time I was on a break is if we went on a vacation. Like a year ago we went to Alaska, where I ended up drinking a lot of alcohol and smoking maybe three cigars (oh yeah and inhaling towards the end to try to get that buzz). Although weed was not there I still had the weed addicts mind, or an addicts mind in general. I actually got lucky and got to but a palm leaf legal girl scout cookie blunt from there and had a hell of a smoke sesh and enjoyed the view of the mountains more than I ever have enjoyed a view of the mountains it was insane, I took pictures to remember but I just cannot explain, neither can the pictures how beautiful the skyline looked with the clouds and then mountains right under it in the distance. I believe I have seen that type of view before (definitely, walking to the smoke sesh and just being in town) but I never appreciated it as much as that moment. It was really beautiful and I had a similar experience to that when I smoked recently before I tripped out when I was on a run ( but I appreciated the sky and view walking, and just hearing the music in my headphones was insane, I could hear every instrument and feel the vibe of the songs way more, before I snapped into my run right after my sesh). I went on a run and I remember it felt pretty good but then for some reason after it I just started tripping out and not enjoying the high, I just did not give in the the high, I was just like ugh what have I done. But before the run I was like enjoying just that first feeling of buzz and high from it, it felt like the first time again, but after I felt I may have even gotten more stoned but just could not handle and did not want to handle it. Now, I know I just have to let it be man and just let it hit me, give in. A couple months before this sesh when I was realizing the weed made me anxious I was just smoking a tiny bit at night to help me eat and sleep as I get myself off of it, I still felt kinda like I shouldn't be doing it because it makes me feel bad but I for a couple nights I just felt I had to to be able toe at and slowly weed myself off the weed. One of those nights I took a small rip and felt the effect (usually I would take a ton) and I listened to this song by action bronson -easy rider. I have listened to this song so many times before, it is my favorite, but this time only I was walking before my run just grooving to it. I realized I was just grooving and swaying and dancing to the bassline. I never realized how good the bassline was! Now I am more keen on listening to each part of the music especially bass. I have even learned how to play that song on the bass and am thinking about learning other instruments as well and improving my drumming skills to as I use to play when i was younger.
So basically, I was just using weed without thinking about why, I just wanted it, it made me feel better, I felt I needed it to relax, eat, and sleep so I used it in excess. From not using it a lot and only rarely I noticed not only does it hit harder, but it really helps me think in different ways and see things differently and actually adds something to my life even if it is just pleasure. But the way I was using it all the time everyday in huge amounts it was just bringing me up from the hole I was in not raising me up. Now I have really figured out how to stay level with no substances and even fapping. Another quick thing we went on another trip this year overseas and it was really the same thing as Alaska, addict mind, I got super drunk every night it would help me sleep really and I guess have fun? I wonder how that trip would be if I went sober, but we basically just went food to food place drinking. I know now that I was not truly good with myself then I was just always looking for the next fix throughout the day whether my mind was on weed or drinking. Now my mind looks for the next fix still I guess but I try to make it healthy like exercising, learning, reading, podcasts, and creating stuff like music or just drawing.
BUT A HUGEEE part of what has made me more not looking for the next fix (this could be weed or alc or fap, but really it can be anything even food and using your phone or just anything like that) is meditation. When I was struggling from the breakup and not using weed my buddy recommended it and it is the best goddamn thing anyone has done for me. I started with listening to a guided youtube meditation then I led my way up to just setting a timer for 20minutes on my phone and breathing deep through my nose. Man meditation has helped me so much, I realize that especially if I am anxious or feeling depressed or unsure about what to do mediation really just brings me back in the moment. It can sometimes be so euphoric, like I just took a super big dab. Just focus on your breathing and allow your mind to clear. Just release, thoughts will come into your head but just let them pass by no matter what they are without judgement, let them pass by. You really shouldn't be just crutching on your thoughts either, because even though your body maybe still your mind is not. I still have a lot of trouble with this, so do not be so hard on yourself the first few times. But really mediation helped me so much, it was the only thing I looked forward to when I was super shaky, anxious, and could not sleep because I could not stop my mind from moving so fast. I noticed that when bad things happen to me I focus more on meditation and clearing my mind, but when everything seems okay I still do the meditation but I am far less focused and just kind of sit there waiting for the time to go by and the timer to ring. But you should always aim for it to be focused not matter what. I meditate twice a day, once in the morning, once at night. I have started doing this meditation where I could 1-100 then 100-1 and I think it takes me about 20 minutes. I may try going back to just the timer soon to completely clear my head but this one is nice to. I am giving you a lot of ideas and stuff about meditation but really just doing it is helpful, do not worry especially just starting, just start doing it if you want to. I also do yoga to and particular yin yoga and stretching. I am sorry to hear it is hard for you to get into a meditative posture but do not worry about that, it is more about your mind being put into stillness/freeness. I would recommend finding a comfortable position and trying it, if that means sitting in a chair, standing up, or lying on the ground in savasana (I love mediating like this after yoga).
I admit I still do feel like I crutch on coffee, I love it, I know it is healthy but sometimes I like to drink a lot, mostly for the buzz; I just love how much stuff I feel I can do. I drink it only a couple times a week, sometimes if I do not drink coffee I will be just tired and not have energy or a feel a reason to do much I will just be lazy. But if I do drink coffee I will automatically be motivated to do things. I also can sometimes drink a shit ton of coffee, I just love the buzz, kinda similar to my weed addiction where one cup will be like eh yeah it is good a feel good but then two I am like alrighttttt nice, then I will be like let me put myself in maximum overdrive and have the third cup. There is something that does me with having more and then more and then even more. I love it so I am thinking instead of binging a few times a week I will try out drinking it maybe like every other day and only one cup, so more often but less amount.
It took me some time to realize I did not need weed (and alc) to feel good and have fun, that is what I use to always chase. But now I am kinda like ehhh maybe it could add something, especially the weed, alcohol is kinda dull. They are all just a change of mindset and it changes the way you think which I find interesting and could possibly be interesting and increase creativity, I guess I should just try more being creative before I start doing that thought. As I feel coffee, and also weed and alcohol can be a push like okay now I am caffeinated, high, or drunk I can now work on XY and Z. Kinda like how you do not want to clean your room up but then you are like ehhh ill just take a bong rip or drink some then do it so it wont be as bad. No just me? lol. But really mediating has helped me enjoy the present moment, even if that means sober and cleaning up.
Lastly, I was a bit hesitant but I ate some shrooms with my boy maybe like .5-.6g ish amount. Not enough to hallucinate, although I did kinda see my hand spazzing, not shaking but just like pulsing, did not know if it was the shrooms on my visuals or if it was the shrooms and maybe all the coffee I drank that day to making my hand spazz. Anyway, it was a great experience, I let it fully take me over, I knew I took them and there was no looking back, that alone is a good lesson in life, there is not looking back, does not matter what it is. Sure you can learn from the past but you cannot change it so enjoy what you have. I did not trip hard, and I was not at all trying to, I was nervous if I did take a lot I would have a poor paranoid experience like I did with weed. So maybe if I did take a lot I would flip out, but I honestly might not, I may try to make more in the future and keep upping the dose. Mushrooms makes me realize stuff and also helps me clear my mind to live in the moment rather then live in my head where all these patterns are going on. It is great, and is way different then being high on THC. Weird how I don't like THC and even alcohol (although I feel I am slowly going back into liking it but just not drinking it for health reasons and getting really drunk doesn't seem that appealing so why drink at all, but a few sips or a shot of gin doesn't make me feel so bad anymore, maybe a glass of wine could be nice; not really though I will add I ran 10 miles the day I took the shrooms and later that day I was most likely depleted of energy and needed food and I took one sip of wine and I just felt defeated after that, like it was fucking my insides up, hurting my recovery, so I feel especially when I am nutritionally depleted alcohol makes it worse). Maybe because i did not take a lot, but I just felt like I could assess every situation and like defeat any bad thought. All and all I just felt more coherent and able to interact with people and just not overthinking stuff and brain fogged like weed has been doing to me. I think I just like it more because it makes me explore and do stuff while not making me incoherent to what my brain is thinking, it puts me more into the moment and feeling, rather then the weed just makes me in my head.
I wish I could tell you more about my lucid dreams but I really do not have that much interesting insights to make. Is there anything you want to know? I can tell you I started to try lucid dreaming when I was young before I even started smoking weed. Side note- NO ONE- not even myself would think I would stop smoking weed, especially for personal reasons and not for a job. So yeah my lucid dreaming started then, then when I found weed I kinda stopped, not only does weed suppress your dreams I guess I kinda lost interest. Then when I stopped smoking recently dreams were coming back, and I was not really trying to have lucid dreams they would just happen. I somehow would realize I was dreaming. Even if I thought I wasn't dreaming I would still have intimate dreams. I should experiment more now with lucid dreaming. Writing your dreams is good to and very interesting. I always forget them and sometimes I'm to lazy to roll over and type it in my phone notes because I just want to go back to bed but I should force myself to or I will forget the dream. Just jot down all the details big and small of the dream. What you are wearing what others are wearing, ect ect. everything you can. And one trick I use to use as a "reality check" is to hold my nose shut and try to blow through it and if you can (with your mouth closed) you are dreaming. I used this maybe once or twice that I can remember recently, but I use to always do this in public when I was younger to ingrain it into myself so when I was dreaming I would do it and be be lucid. When you are lucid it is easy to get excited then wake up, so you really have to focus on your surroundings, and your senses in your dream, and maybe even spin in circles (I read this somewhere and it actually works, I think it helps you just be in the dream more). Next, to actually do stuff like fly or dunk a basketball, it is a little tricky and takes some practice but you can do it! You really have to just think it into existence, it kind of sounds easy but you really have to believe that you can just do it, no limits. The first few times my mind was closed minded and I really did not truly believe that I could do it because I have not experienced anything like that before so how could it really be possible, even though it is a dream. I would try to do it I would just not be able to fly or what ever because I did not believe. If you believe, truly believe, the ocean is on the other side of that door it could be, but deep down if you just imagine another room that is what you will get. Anyway I guess I have learned that just like a dream, in real life you have to truly envision, imagine, and believe with your whole self not holding back at all that you can do something to accomplish it.
Alright, I think I typed my heart all out tonight. Hopefully you got something out of this. Thank you so much for replying again it really means a lot to have someone going through something similar as I am and is willing to interact with me. Do not hesitate do ask more questions.

 

[Move Like Water]

What you've described is something that I also sometimes experience. When we look back into the past, there appear to be series of crucial moments in our lives, moments where our actions seemed to determine our fate and reverberate all the way into the present. There is often a creeping temptation to revisit certain crux moments, imagining how my life would have unfolded if I would have kept my calm here, not intoxicated myself with alcohol there, been more patient there, been less prideful here, and so on. Or simply to wallow in astonishment at how ignorant I was in the past, and how my actions must have been perceived by the people that I hurt.

We do this with things that happened ten years ago and with things that happened ten days ago. Just last weekend my friends and I ran a 10k. I had been training for over a month, waking up and running at least five miles a day before breakfast every other day, eating vegan, stretching in between. After the race we went out for breakfast, and feeling like some kind of demi-god, I figured there would be no harm in eating something with eggs for this one moment. From that moment on I felt as though I lost my sense of presence, and for the rest of the weekend I made the wrong decisions, felt inattentive, compulsive...somehow we get into this "I can handle just one" mode of thinking, but we're approaching it the wrong way. It's not about whether or not we can do some kind of defilement and bear it unwaveringly. When we give way to these things, it means that we have not fully believed in our convictions up to that point. I can definitely understand what you say about always following someone's instructions. I read and listen to all kinds of 'gurus'; Sadhguru, Eckhart Tolle, Alan Watts, whomever, and I can understand that they speak truth, and I try to incorporate these things into my daily life, but if I'm adopting virtuous behavior because I heard someone speak of it, even if that someone is sensible, it feels like something fake, tacked on.

I think it's best to keep the faith. If there is still the sense of a 'decision' within us when there is beer, or weed, or option to PMO, or whatever, then something within us is still wavering. If it weren't, then there would not even be deliberation. This will come about naturally. In the meantime, we should try our best to stay conscious of our long-term goals, and not spend days / months destroying ourselves for past slips.

If you don't mind, I would love to hear more about your relationship with cannabis. I have struggled with it for the past four years, and in that time frame I do not think I have made it 90 days sober. This past week I have been binging, with weed for breakfast, lunch, and dinner. Without cannabis, I can't seem to find that wordless clarity, that feeling where all my convictions come to the surface and I have no doubts about what needs to be done. When it wears off I am back to my pleasure-seeking. Like you said, substances and sensual lust can form a symbiotic relationship, with the indulgence of one giving life to the other...if I am to get back to living life, I feel that I need to give up both.

For what it's worth, I believe you are much further along than I am, despite your lapse. Substances are a slippery slope.

You sound like you are an experienced lucid dreamer. I would be curious about what sorts of insights you have gained from your dreams. I have only gone lucid once in the past four months. If I could cultivate more presence of mind throughout the day I think I would do better in sleep. My biggest obstacle is that I cannot sit comfortably because of my tight hips. It's going to take probably three years of daily yoga before I can even approach lotus. It's hard to be meditative when crippled...or maybe this is just an excuse that I make for myself.

I hope that you are staying positive, and that you had a good day today.

I really appreciate you. Tight hips are rough man keep working at it a little everyday. Lotus position seems really hard, what I do is half lotus- between that and cross cross apple sauce (lmao why did they even add apple sauce at the end wtf gotta teach the kids somehow I guess, it has a nice jingle.)

Like this, but again do not worry about the position much.
And yeah man 90 days sober is a lot, I have done it now but I never ever imagined I would do it. I was not anywhere near 90 days sober for 4-5 years. One day at a time, one week, one month.
I am sorry to hear about your little vegan relapse but it really makes me sure that I want to try to stick with this and not go down that path, as I probably would have done something similar to that if you did not tell me that story. Now I know that it really is not a good move.
"I can handle just one" mode of thinking, but we're approaching it the wrong way. It's not about whether or not we can do some kind of defilement and bear it unwaveringly. When we give way to these things, it means that we have not fully believed in our convictions up to that point. "
I really resonate with this but can you just further explain it. All of it but particularly defilement and bear it unwaveringly and also believing in our convictions. You have a great vocabulary and articulate your words very well but sometimes I am not educated enough to understand exactly what you mean. Although some minor struggles, I really have been staying positive and having good days, thank you. I hope you are doing the same.

 

[Move Like Water]

goddamnit. i had another one of these lcuid wet dreams. I know I was dreaming and immediately tried to have an ejaculation and orgasm. i just said fuck it. When I woke up I was so angry but during the moment I was swayed so easily. I know if i was concius that would have never happened. I think part of it was that I got shit sleep by going to bed so late. And I woke up and angrily now I went back to bed when I shoulda just got up. I layed in bed and just was kn my phone when I shouldve meditated and got I n with my day. im so angry at myself for this but all I can do is move forward. I feel tired and unconfident.

 

[PappinAce]

Hey man, I hope all is well. Despite your slip up I am happy to hear that you have been able to achieve lucidity in dreams. Even if you went toward sensual lust, it is much less shameful than engaging in pleasure-seeking during waking consciousness. Here is a video I came across recently that may be tangentially related to what happened:

If you have even an iota of unfulfilled sexual desire, from your early teenage years or wherever, it will likely find release in your dreams, and seems to come to the surface even when we are lucid. Perhaps what you experienced is part of a process, and you will be able to keep your calm next time.

I have tried a bit of yoga with the goal of getting to the pose that the woman is in on that picture that you provided. Most of my attempts are ending in frustration because my hips are so tight that even "beginner" routines involve poses that I cannot even get close to, and when I try to follow along, I don't feel a thing. To give you an idea of how inflexible I am: if I sit on the ground with the soles of my feet together, both my legs stick up at a near 45 degree angle.

Only recently have I become aware of what a state of discomfort I have been in as a result of this. Not being able to sit without a chair is like not being able to walk without crutches. I have lived my life as a cripple and not done anything about it, and now I feel as though I am ossified in that state. My inability to sit, I think, has been a massive contributor to the hedonistic lifestyle of which fapping was the most acute symptom.

Because of the quarantine I cannot even find a yoga instructor who is willing to meet for a 1 on 1 session. Though on the bright side it is nice to see all the compulsive consumerism having been slowed down, even if forcibly.

Anyway, if you have any yoga tips I would be happy to hear them. I hope this past week has been positive for you.