Embarrassingly enough... This is me

Discussion in 'New to NoFap' started by Eleutheromaniac, Mar 25, 2019.

  1. Eleutheromaniac

    Eleutheromaniac New Fapstronaut

    Hi everyone
    This is my story. So this is the first time for me logging into this site. I mean I've only been on NoFap a few days. And I keep wondering how is it that I didn't know of this site before! So useful! I could've saved myself a few tears and some wasted years on my addiction.
    But anyway I'm here and decided to do this to keep my mind busy. I'm alone in a hotel room at the moment telling myself is not worth it. It's not worth a few minutes of pleasure for just endless regret in return.
    So to give you some perspective... I'm a latinamerican girl. I've always been religious my whole life. Which obviously has a major effect on the things I do.
    First time I masturbated I was 12. I remember I watched a sex scene by mistake on TV late at night and the image stuck with me. I didn't even know what I was doing but I remember discovering how wonderful the feeling was. Of course I didn't know how ashamed I would feel the next day. But this just became slowly a habit... The masturbation, not so much watching porn. Silently killing my self steem.
    My main issue has always been masturbation. And I'm okay not doing it for weeks some times and then that changes and I can do it as much as 5 times in one night. And I feel down spiraling... So when I feel worthless and unable to stop, I become numb and suddenly I stop crying and hating myself for a few minutes and I kinda say 'f**k it' in my mind: And that's when I go to watch porn.
    If I watch porn that's hitting rock bottom for me. That's when I feel like dying and I can cry for days.
    Since it makes me feel so awful I know I can stop and not watch it for months. I've noticed what triggers masturbation in my case is loneliness or sadness. It's not so much for the sexual side of things, well sort of, but I'll explain now.
    So growing up I never felt pretty enough. Always compared to my sister: which I always considered beautiful.
    But growing up I started noticing people saying how beautiful I was, but I just didn't believe it for so long. I just kept going to my bed at night trying to 'love myself' a bit by going into this habit that actually was doing(and keeps doing) exactly the opposite.
    In my early 20s, to feel a little better I started logging into dating sites. And talking to different guys from across the world. It just made me feel good. I just couldn't believe the amount of compliments I got since day one.
    I never intended to talk about sexual things I just wanted to feel 'loved' or special to someone. Just one guy, not many guys. Since I've never experienced that before, dating or a relationship... that obviously had to do with my religious background but also with my loneliness which I never understood. How I've felt so alone for so long.
    Online I would talk to one guy and then if he turned sexual I would stop talking to him.
    I kept it clean for years. It amazed me the amount of compliments on how beautiful I was. I couldn't believe it. I'd get so so many messages from different guys. Until obviously I hit it off with this one guy from Australia. And he made me feel so special. He was sweet and not sexual at all in the beginning we became friends. But liked each other too. Until one night after talking for hours I masturbated talking on the phone with him. After that we saw each other on camera and did it again a few times.
    First time I felt like a woman. And so sexy and beautiful. I loved it. Obviously being across the world that didn't succeed... But my point is: I already experienced something sexual in a way. And I wanted to do it again.
    I'm ashamed to say this, but after him. And after years for a period of time I would talk to random guys, I would love the compliments, feeling special, sexy and then I would go back to phone sex.
    My habit of masturbation scalated to phone sex!! Not porn!! NOT ONCE I SENT A NUDE PIC. NOT EVEN TO THAT ONE GUY I LIKED. I ALWAYS KNEW ONCE I DID THAT, THAT PIC WOULD BE IN THE HANDS OF THE INTERNET FOR GOOD. It was just the sexy talk, and masturbation. It felt safe. It felt good in the moment.
    And then I would just hate myself because I knew it was all artificial. No real connection... I could easily stop the phone sex. Delete the numbers and start from scratch. But masturbation is the one thing I can't get rid of.
    But when I see the person I became. It's like a separate person from the one I really love.
    Today I'm confident, witty, loving and sweet and I love that about me. It has taken a whole lot of bad things to realize I'm actually good,but this dark side of me... I know it's still there waiting for the right moment to pop up again.
    I guess I do love experiencing how sexy I am.
    I've only had one boyfriend, at 25. My first real sexual experience. But I never told him that I could keep masturbating when he wasn't around. That's how I knew I had to do something. It wasn't about being in a relationship. This has always been about me.
    I'm 28 now and after my ex, I've gone back to talking to guys online, sexy talk, phone sex, or porn in one moment. I've hated myself several times. But I don't want to give up.
    I'm having a major problem to solve.
    I don't want to go back to dating sites and talk to guys who aren't here. I don't want to depend on others to love myself.
    I don't want this bad habit to master my life.
    Please help.
    I feel so embarrassed. But this is who I've become. Why am I like this? Why do I need others to make me feel good about myself?
  2. YagamiLight

    YagamiLight Fapstronaut

    Good luck on your journey, I'm sure you're not a bad person and you can fight all your fears and bad habits.
    Feel free to post or talk with people here I'm sure they'll be able to help you out.
    I think the most important is to notice there is a problem and then thinking how to fight it back then it's good to talk about it with someone.
    I'm new too, that's actually first place where I placed my story and admitted that I have a problem, I'm really embarrassed to talk about it with someone I know.
    Again good luck!
  3. TheProcedure

    TheProcedure Fapstronaut

    stay strong and welcome to the site!
    alfianlight likes this.
  4. mercury80

    mercury80 New Fapstronaut

    Good luck and positive thoughts
  5. Welcome to NoFap, I am also a pmo addict. I also have been in this journey for a very long time, and this has been a good place for me. There is a female forum u might wanna check out. I wish u the best on your journey, you are not alone on this road. We are all here for recovery. Never give up, we will beat pmo for good.
  6. ssha6451

    ssha6451 Fapstronaut

    I think the fact you've recognised you have a problem and are willing to do something about it is the first step.
    We all make mistakes and have regrets in our lives. Move on and grow from it.
    Good Luck
    alfianlight and (deleted member) like this.
  7. electrons

    electrons Fapstronaut

    Well. My story of being an "addict" is different, but the feeling you share is so similar to mine. Every time I fell down to the bottom, I cannot stop keeping questioning myself "is this who you really are" ,"it CAN'T BE!!". I hope I can achieve victory here.
    Best wishes to all who goes through struggles like this.
    alfianlight and goodnice 2.0 like this.
  8. SuperiorMan95

    SuperiorMan95 Fapstronaut

    PLEASE check out this book by Marnia Robinson called "Cupid's Poison Arrow" . It talks about the negative effects of orgasm and porn for men and for WOMEN. And it talks about establishing a healthier sexuality as well. Good luck. The journey has just begun and it will NOT be easy but you can do it. I'm praying for you to have a healthier/loving relationship to sexuality and the opposite sex.
    alfianlight and goodnice 2.0 like this.

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