Hi everyone This is my story. So this is the first time for me logging into this site. I mean I've only been on NoFap a few days. And I keep wondering how is it that I didn't know of this site before! So useful! I could've saved myself a few tears and some wasted years on my addiction. But anyway I'm here and decided to do this to keep my mind busy. I'm alone in a hotel room at the moment telling myself is not worth it. It's not worth a few minutes of pleasure for just endless regret in return. So to give you some perspective... I'm a latinamerican girl. I've always been religious my whole life. Which obviously has a major effect on the things I do. First time I masturbated I was 12. I remember I watched a sex scene by mistake on TV late at night and the image stuck with me. I didn't even know what I was doing but I remember discovering how wonderful the feeling was. Of course I didn't know how ashamed I would feel the next day. But this just became slowly a habit... The masturbation, not so much watching porn. Silently killing my self steem. My main issue has always been masturbation. And I'm okay not doing it for weeks some times and then that changes and I can do it as much as 5 times in one night. And I feel down spiraling... So when I feel worthless and unable to stop, I become numb and suddenly I stop crying and hating myself for a few minutes and I kinda say 'f**k it' in my mind: And that's when I go to watch porn. If I watch porn that's hitting rock bottom for me. That's when I feel like dying and I can cry for days. Since it makes me feel so awful I know I can stop and not watch it for months. I've noticed what triggers masturbation in my case is loneliness or sadness. It's not so much for the sexual side of things, well sort of, but I'll explain now. So growing up I never felt pretty enough. Always compared to my sister: which I always considered beautiful. But growing up I started noticing people saying how beautiful I was, but I just didn't believe it for so long. I just kept going to my bed at night trying to 'love myself' a bit by going into this habit that actually was doing(and keeps doing) exactly the opposite. In my early 20s, to feel a little better I started logging into dating sites. And talking to different guys from across the world. It just made me feel good. I just couldn't believe the amount of compliments I got since day one. I never intended to talk about sexual things I just wanted to feel 'loved' or special to someone. Just one guy, not many guys. Since I've never experienced that before, dating or a relationship... that obviously had to do with my religious background but also with my loneliness which I never understood. How I've felt so alone for so long. Online I would talk to one guy and then if he turned sexual I would stop talking to him. I kept it clean for years. It amazed me the amount of compliments on how beautiful I was. I couldn't believe it. I'd get so so many messages from different guys. Until obviously I hit it off with this one guy from Australia. And he made me feel so special. He was sweet and not sexual at all in the beginning we became friends. But liked each other too. Until one night after talking for hours I masturbated talking on the phone with him. After that we saw each other on camera and did it again a few times. First time I felt like a woman. And so sexy and beautiful. I loved it. Obviously being across the world that didn't succeed... But my point is: I already experienced something sexual in a way. And I wanted to do it again. I'm ashamed to say this, but after him. And after years for a period of time I would talk to random guys, I would love the compliments, feeling special, sexy and then I would go back to phone sex. My habit of masturbation scalated to phone sex!! Not porn!! NOT ONCE I SENT A NUDE PIC. NOT EVEN TO THAT ONE GUY I LIKED. I ALWAYS KNEW ONCE I DID THAT, THAT PIC WOULD BE IN THE HANDS OF THE INTERNET FOR GOOD. It was just the sexy talk, and masturbation. It felt safe. It felt good in the moment. And then I would just hate myself because I knew it was all artificial. No real connection... I could easily stop the phone sex. Delete the numbers and start from scratch. But masturbation is the one thing I can't get rid of. But when I see the person I became. It's like a separate person from the one I really love. Today I'm confident, witty, loving and sweet and I love that about me. It has taken a whole lot of bad things to realize I'm actually good,but this dark side of me... I know it's still there waiting for the right moment to pop up again. I guess I do love experiencing how sexy I am. I've only had one boyfriend, at 25. My first real sexual experience. But I never told him that I could keep masturbating when he wasn't around. That's how I knew I had to do something. It wasn't about being in a relationship. This has always been about me. I'm 28 now and after my ex, I've gone back to talking to guys online, sexy talk, phone sex, or porn in one moment. I've hated myself several times. But I don't want to give up. I'm having a major problem to solve. I don't want to go back to dating sites and talk to guys who aren't here. I don't want to depend on others to love myself. I don't want this bad habit to master my life. Please help. I feel so embarrassed. But this is who I've become. Why am I like this? Why do I need others to make me feel good about myself?