EMERGENCY: I'm in desperate need of advice. Relationship hangs by a thread

Discussion in 'Rebooting in a Relationship' started by longwinter1, Jan 21, 2016.

  1. longwinter1

    longwinter1 Fapstronaut

    Hi fapstronauts,

    My girlfriend has had the last straw. After I confessed of my latest relapse last night she has told me that we're done. We were going to move into a new place in a couple of weeks. We have been dating for just over a year, and I've broken her heart more times than I can remember. She loves me so fiercely, that In the past when she found out I would relapse or take drugs she was reduced to self harm. She has just told me I don't understand how much this has affected her mentally. That she will never be the same.
    I have always feared that I don't love her enough... That I can't reciprocate the same love that she gives me unconditionally. I have so many problems I am trying to overcome and I am emotionally unstable -- so is she.

    I don't know whether to let her go or to fight for us longer. She doesn't deserve the torture she has gone through to be with me. I know I have been so selfish --I don't believe it's worth the pain, but I love her. This is my first proper relationship I've been in and I want her to be the mother of my children. I have so many deep rooted issues and inner conflicts with a strong influence of excessive porn and drug use early in life, but I have convinced myself to keep believing I can come out and overcome my sexual frustrations, temptations and urges and learn to lover her wholly.
    I would really appreciate any advice one might have from an outside perspective. I know I can't fully express the dynamics of our relationship, but my conscience is so clouded right now. I can't decide whether to hold on to her and keep fighting, or whether I've caused her too much pain and should let her go before it becomes even worse (as it is becoming worse).
  2. IGY

    IGY Guest

    I am not in a position to give relationship advice, but I cannot leave you hanging without a response. I feel that there is a lot to be said for the option of ending the relationship. It really sounds like neither of you are ready for it. You have serious work to do to get to grips with your masturbation and porn addiction and you will have setbacks along that road to recovery. She sounds to vulnerable to cope with that. Perhaps she can spend some time concentrating on her own mental health issues. It is probably not what you want to hear but you are both very damaged and you need to heal.
  3. JoeinUSA

    JoeinUSA Fapstronaut

    I hate to say it - however, if you fight for her, it seems all you're doing is fighting to stay in her life to "torture" her more, as you say. Is that really love? In fighting for her, are you not in many ways thinking more about yourself than your love for her, which if it were real and authentic, might indeed make an ultimate sacrifice, as only love can do, and let her off this "hell" ride. She deserves normalcy in her life and real love that heals and nurtures her, puts what is best for her first and foremost, and doesn't think about what "I" want and need. What you have is really not a "proper" relationship, as you imagine -- it is a codependent relationship -- where you are at least engaging in two major addictions (maybe more), sex and drugs, and she is exhibiting disturbing "self-harming" behaviors. This is not a healthy relationship. It is also just as well that you haven't moved into the new place, and you shouldn't do so at this time either.

    You are also still very young. Maybe this can wake you up to get yourself into full recovery and rehabilitation. Who knows, if you were to separate and get better, maybe down the line you can hook up again with this girl. If not, you will be in a better position to enter into your next relationship. Not nipping this in the bud now and not recovering from your addictions will guarantee ongoing and continued broken relationships for the rest of your life. Ask many married and divorced guys on this site who are 10, 20, 30, 40 years older than you. Your story can easily turn into theirs.

    Tell her you love her, tell her you're sorry, and tell her that you are going to give her the freedom that she needs and that you are going to take this time yourself for serious soul-searching and rehabilitation.

    Best wishes!
  4. Jbird22

    Jbird22 Fapstronaut

    Get rid of your computers/internet on your phone- if you can't handle that - end it- I'd say you should kick the addiction before you're in a relationship with anyone. Opinion of a 15 year relationship who just got blind sided by this BS and it's ruined my life-about to ruin 4 kids lives...and for what? Really...it's ridiculous. Good luck
  5. Banisher

    Banisher Fapstronaut

    Sorry buster, I know it's not what you're looking to read, but I'm with Joe on this one. Guy's got a point.

    Now is the wrong time to maintain.

    Get clean. Get sober. Get straight with your head and your sense of self. When that's all aligned - and you're the man you know she deserves - that's when you're ready to go back and fight for her. Not now, brother.

    I know it hurts and I'm sorry. But this will make you stronger. The ugly alternative is that you dig in right now for your temporary fix to escape from loneliness and addiction - and you cause (more) irreparable harm to the girl you love. Neither of you will ever be able to forgive that. Not worth the risk.
    rk2, WifeInTheDark, Andrew14 and 3 others like this.
  6. about a girl

    about a girl Fapstronaut

    My opinion is you should let her go .... I am leaving my bf because it's either me or the porn .... He chose porn .... I will always love and care about him .... I'm going to have to say goodbye ....
  7. Solid advice. Letting her go doesn't have to be synonymous with giving up on the relationship. Perhaps in the future, when you're both in a better place, you'll find your way to each other again.
    CdB and Banisher like this.
  8. Ikindaknew

    Ikindaknew Fapstronaut

    You got too much stuff going on all at once. Fighting one addiction is one thing, 2+ is quite the order. When we PMO, we hurt our loved one. When we relapse another addiction, be it dope and /or alcohol, it's another layer of hurt on the loved ones. On this site, there is people that are victims of Porn (the ladies that stay with us mostly). On any AA or NA sites, there is relatives, kids, spouses, etc of druggies or Alcos that are suffering.

    You have too much going on at once. You need to heal yourself and love yourself before you can love another person. Your girlfriend needs to be released...trust me, I carried my addictions thru 2 relationships (porn and alcohol)....we are never 100% clean...we need to always be vigilant and work hard to be good. It's feasible, don't get me wrong. It's work. An addict on a clean streak is a clean addict...always an addict.
    My wife quit smoking 7 years ago. She still has the odd "appeal" every time she goes thru something tough.
    Last edited: Jan 22, 2016
  9. NoF@pDJ

    [email protected] Fapstronaut

    On the one hand I would say fight as hard as you can to keep things alive... But only if you really think you can make the changes necessary to give her reason to stay.

    On the other hand, there are a lot of reasons why separating may also work better - it really sounds as though you need to focus everything you can on yourself and making improvements to your own life, before you start trying to do so with other people... Also, I have the feeling that potentially you are placing your recovery in the hands of your relationship succeeding (i.e. if things work out with your partner, it will work out for you and your addictions/issues), which unfortunately, isn't realistically going to be the case. Sorry to make a sweeping generalisation there; obviously I don't know all the facts and am making a quick judgement call based on reading your posts.

    Is there any way you can meet on some kind of middle ground where you perhaps cool things off so you still see one another, but it gives you a chance to put things back together, and gives her a chance to see how hard you're trying, without necessarily being caught in the middle of it all?

    Best of luck, whatever happens.
    CdB likes this.
  10. WOTL

    WOTL Fapstronaut

    In my view it is not up to you to let her go or not. This is not a choice you legitimately have. It is up to her to decide to stay with you or not, despite your addictive behavior...

    And this does not seem healthy at this stage. The best thing you can do for yourself (and for whoever you love and/or loves you) is to recover from the addiction. When the issues are so deep, you need to go into therapy. Posting in Nofap will not be enough. The other observation is that saying "I will change" does not matter because an addict is not credible while he is under the control of the addiction. The only thing that matters is what you do and what you demonstrate with your actions. You need to get well first. All else is secondary to that objective in my view.
    longwinter1 and CdB like this.
  11. longwinter1

    longwinter1 Fapstronaut

    Today she convinced me to agree that we would both still move into the place and that we will both try to get some counselling. It's a share house with other students and we would have separate rooms. She believes that we have so much to fight for, and I don't want to give up on us either. She suggested we just sign the lease (six months) and see how things go, and then make our moves from there. We may actually have more freedom there then we have had -- as we have been living in each other's rooms for weeks at a time (not staying apart for over a week) with no space between us. This way we can both be comforted knowing we're not far, but we can still have the space we need.
    I eventually rolled over and soon began to believe that it could work, but then I came here and saw all of your comments. It's definitely not what I wanted to see, but these are the kind of honest, logical responses I was originally hoping for.
    I spoke to her on the phone again this morning, and told her I wasn't sure it was a good idea, but we had a long conversation and I've decided.
    She is my best friend, my lover, my home, and I feel that I owe it to us to try again. Though I understand what you guys are saying and agree with a fair bit of it... This is such a hard decision to make. I don't mean to be an askhole and take all of your valuable advice for granted, but we're going to give this another crack. I didn't feel that I had the time to try and explain all the dynamics of our relationship when i made this post, but taking them into account after having a bit of time to breath has helped us both to see the light in all of this.

    Thank you all for your words. I know it may be frustrating to some here, but we are going to carefully try to rebuild together. For anyone that is interested, I will post an update on how things pan out between us. I will also keep your responses in mind for future reference.

  12. Make no apologies, sir. This is your life, not ours! It sounds like you are being wise and thinking through your decisions. Is it the wrong choice to make? I have no idea. Maybe, maybe not. Time will tell. But I don't think this is ever something you will have to look back on with regret, regardless of the outcome, because you clearly have a good head on your shoulders.
    Gamerwife85 and longwinter1 like this.
  13. longwinter1

    longwinter1 Fapstronaut

    Thankyou mate, I really appreciate your words. The time we've spent together has certainly had it's ups and downs, but it has been the best of my life (for many reasons). It's something worth fighting for, so I will.
    TakingTheSteps likes this.
  14. CptCane

    CptCane Fapstronaut

    Then fight. Fight with all that you have. I am slowly learning to kill the demon inside and not feed the flesh. I am so thankful that my wife didn't leave me after my being unfaithful for 13 years. I am addicted to sex and self gratification. When she didn't meet my needs, I would turn to something or someone who would. I was a complete jerk, to put it mildly. But she found the strength to stay and I am find the strength to overcome. I don't know if we will ever be physical again so I am learning how to love her without sex. Maybe it will return, maybe not but I have to try and find hope.

    So we are in this together. Be her hero, fight for her. Find new way to so her intimacy and more goodness sake. LOVE HER HEART.
    longwinter1 and Gamerwife85 like this.

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