Emerging From Depression?

You know everyone, I've been thinking. I feel like i'm getting better in general, gradually, like the opposite of the spiral into depression, it's weird and uncomfortable. It wasn't initially because of NoFap, but a visit I made to the hospital after attempting suicide.

After all the drama I caused, The psych sat in front of me and listened to my entire story.... Then he was like 'There's nothing wrong with you.... Well, let me clarify, all humans harbour some form of mental illness, but you're not that bad.' I've mentioned the above already on my introductory page... But this topic has been nagging me since last year and I have more to say. I put it in the loneliness section, because, It's mostly in the context of loneliness in my mind. But also, yesterday I was terribly lonely and this caused my relapse when trying to join dating sites. The thing is though, after some bad feelings of depression this morning, I've somehow picked myself up again (Not a normal thing for me...yet)

See, I think this is because that psych I mentioned before was right. I wasn't REALLY that bad. What I was in my head was 'Mr nice guy' who just couldn't do anything right, couldn't get anywhere in life and couldn't progress. I just wanted sympathy in a sick way. I just wanted to feel that my misery was valid! Ah! What a horrible thing to say about ones-self, but actually, it's quite liberating, because in admitting to that, I admit that my anxiety and depression was partly my fault (The rest being situational, which again the psych normalised "Yeah, i'd feel the same if I was in your position")....


Now THIS was my turning point, though I COULD continue to spiral and say "Damn I'm pathetic, I've been hurting myself this whole time, I'm a manipulative bastard"; instead, I was like, "Wait a minute, I don't GET TO be crazy? I have to go out and get a life for myself. Wait a sec, I mean, I CAN have a life? I CAN have a GIRLFRIEND again? I CAN cope?", Psych, "Yup, sorry buddy, I told you, you wouldn't like the news....". It was a weird moment. After that, i've felt myself gradually climbing out of my spiral naturally. Not because I had to either, but just, because....

I knew I was getting way better two weeks ago, after plans with a girl fell through. But why is it that I felt the compulsion to spiral up rather than down? I wanted to run from the situation in the past. Why did the opposite happen? So there I was trying to improve further and that was when I found the TED Talks video on yourbrainonporn.

ANYWAY, after feeling so supported so quickly on this forum, I was struck with another little lightbulb moment. Being a website dedicated to RECOVERY as opposed to just 'talking about the problem', I wanted to find out if any similar services existed on the internet regarding depression or anxiety in general.

I also called up psychology services, checking into forums such as the 'Black Dog' Institute. There's nothing out there really for the depressed person who has had the 'lightbulb moment' who has things start to improve. The reason I was looking for something like this is because my spiral up has been in a way, just as confusing and scary (See the thoughts trying to sneak back in?) intense, very intense, with mostly good feelings. Again, I'll say it, I'm feeling GOOD feelings again, but older intense negative emotions that I've been numb to for a LOOONG time have come back as well. It's like the depression itself is digging through its own toolbox in a way, bringing out some of the old emotional tools to bring me down again. My main fear is spiralling down again Seems to be becoming alleviated as I continue to type this out in this more constructive way. So there's a PROPER way to vent I guess? It seems a rational fear in some respects. I've fallen before, what's to say it doesn't happen again right? I thought I'd strikethrough thoughts I had, to show how my mind is literally sometimes, these thoughts can creep in still present a challenge.

Psychology in my understanding is still in its infancy in many respects... I don't know if the current treatments are effective enough in the first place I wonder we're looking at things correctly what improvements will be made in future. The tough love approach from people who don't care may not understand breaks us when we're down, yet the sympathetic ear feeds our depression and anxiety may not be the best solution either. The approach that worked for me and I believe is not in common enough use was a combination of patient listening, then normalisation. This 'Normalisation' is different to the 'tough love' approach because it still validates your feelings, but leaves you thinking.... Well shit.... I'm normal? Well... What now?

I guess generally, what I was eventually getting around to is I think NoFap is a great little community. I've seen some posts of skepticism by people who were curious about what's going through members heads, but aside from the fact that I'm now in favour of the NO PMO lifestyle, one undeniable benefit of this website comes from having a community of people who have suffered at some point, but they don't leave things there. They have set goals for themselves and do their best to move forward together. It's much the same as, say AlcoholicsAnonymous groups, but there's a different dynamic to it... I can't quite pick it.

It could be that, P and M aside, there's somewhere here that you can talk about whatever the issue is and you get a warm and supportive response?