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Emotional impact of P

Discussion in 'Rebooting in a Relationship' started by cincinandy, Aug 29, 2016.

  1. cincinandy

    cincinandy Fapstronaut

    I am starting to notice the emotional aspect of this addiction. I am noticing that I get WAY more insecure with my g/f now that I am not PMO. I believe the insecurities have always been there it's just something that I don't deal with. I think it's too early in the relationship to start having serious talks about it altho I may be wrong here. But not having PMO to deal with my insecurity is helpful but painful ya know? And I am making strides in becoming more confident and secure in myself as a man.

    Here is the breakthrough I'm having right now. Before, I would always NEED sex and would get insecure when the girl I was with didn't want to have it. A part of that was I felt like I needed sexual intimacy to feel wanted and secure in the relationship because that's what I have trained myself to need - anytime I have ever felt insecure or depressed I have drowned myself in PMO. So from an emotional aspect I believe that the PMO and MO have had this impact on me beyond the "normal" physiological effects it has. This is groundbreaking for me. It gives me something else to work on. Now when I'm feeling insecure or jealous I remind myself that these are normal emotions, accept them, and don't try to "treat" them with clingy or sexually demanding behaviors which only serve to put unnecessary strain on the relationship.

    The other part of my insecurity I think can be attributed to the fact that when I watch porn all I see is women who WANT or NEED the man and engage in sexual acts that display this affection. Altho this is to heighten the erotic nature of the videos I watch, I'm beginning to realize that this also has been serving another purpose: Setting unhealthy emotional expectations of women. We all know that porn creates unrealistic images of what "healthy" sex should be from a physical standpoint. But I've never thought about how this affects my emotional expectations of women. I've started to realize that porn has made me believe on some deep subconscious level that women will behave the way porn stars do when they truly desire you and that if they don't then they must not truly "want" you. I also believe that the media as a whole creates this image as well. But it's not true. Every woman is different - every person is different, rather. And we all express our emotions and intimacy in different ways. Porn has trained me to only be able to express my affection in a strictly sexual manner and, thus, I can only receive intimacy this way as well in order for me to feel secure in the relationship. This is a very groundbreaking discovery for me, especially since I am feeling so much insecurity right now and having to deal with it in ways OTHER than drowning myself in PMO. I'm having to keep my eyes and ears open for the other indicators that my g/f is attracted to me in order to feel the same level of affection. I'm learning a lot to say the least....
    Meshuga likes this.
  2. i_wanna_get_better1

    i_wanna_get_better1 Fapstronaut

    This is an expected side effect of stopping PMO. You are correct in understanding that our addiction is much more than a physical dependency... it is also an emotional one too. Addicts crave emotional stability. This world is emotionally unstable. Our addiction has taught us how to handle the emotional high's and low's we experience every day. Over time we gradually lose trust in people because they are unpredictable... they may hurt us, they may reject us, they may neglect us. But we can re-create the illusion of emotional satisfaction with porn reliably and consistently. Our motto becomes 'In Porn We Trust'.

    Without using porn as an emotional crutch, the world becomes a very scary place. We have learned to depend on one single unhealthy coping mechanism. When we quit we take away the only thing we know that reliably works and makes us feel safe and secure. Learning to trust others is an important part of recovery. We have to have to start putting faith in people again. It's not easy learning to deal with that insecure feeling without porn to medicate or sooth that discomfort.

    The longer your recovery goes on the more confident and stable you will start to become. At 27 days you are still like a newborn calf just learning to stand on your own. Stay the course. Be aware of the upcoming emptiness phase mentioned here. Your brain is still rewiring itself and a lot of things will still feel new and weird. Your first few months of recovery will be filled with insights and epiphanies. We don't know just how much porn has infiltrated and exploited all aspects of our life. Recovery is about discovering all the damage that has been done and learning to correct them.
  3. Meshuga

    Meshuga Fapstronaut

    You said, "I think it's too early in the relationship to start having serious talks about it," the "it" referring either to emotional dependency and neediness, or addiction. I'm high as a zeppelin right now on post op drugs, so take this with a grain of sodium chloride, but based on some things I have been hearing I don't think it's ever too early in the relationship to talk about these things. If she doesn't want to stick around and nurse a recovering addict with codependent inclinations, she has a right to know that is exactly what you are, and bail before she gets too heavily invested. On the other hand, telling her let's her know that you have identified your problems & are working on them, and that you are honest & courteous enough to tell her the less than ideal stuff about you. She might think that alone makes you worth keeping around. If not, well, at least you weren't the asshat who lied and wasted her time and broke her heart any more than you already have up to this point.

    It's tough coming to terms with the unmitigated dick you've been due to this addiction, but rule number one of dickery is to stop being one. Telling her makes for a good start.
    cincinandy likes this.

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