Empathy

[cwilso1]

Having a difficult time in reaching out to my partner and showing accountability and above all else empathy for what I've put her through, I exacerbate most situations and seem to always interpret any conversation request as ' i need to announce some in depth realisation ive made about xyz or that I must constantly break down elements of my betrayal and expand on it with new outlooks and provide new facts. ( I'm sure there will be new outlooks galore but I'm just not seeing them in my current judgement) I know she needs me to talk to her every day regardless (her boundary) but how do I get out of the cycle of feeling like anything i have to say isnt what my partner needs to hear or wants to hear, and that me bringing anything up without new bits to add is just rehashing trauma for the sake of it. with how little I've learned and how far my partner has come we're at the very bitter end of this journey and both scared shitless. wondering what tools/ resources other SA have found or used to help in providing the healing space their partner needs.

I don't feel like I struggle to be empathetic at all in life and have always cared about those around me and what theyre going through, but it seems that as long as it's something that makes me feel ashamed and guilty, that part of me is lost in a void. like most of us i too can be incredibly selfish when it comes to discussing feelings.

Ideally I would be able to connect the dots like my partner does, break facts down and hypothesize but I tend to shut down and struggle to see anything beyond the black and white 'yes i done that and its fucked because of this and I can understand that hurt you in this way because... that's my wack. to my head that's the job done but obviously it isn't even close. My partner needs full conversations, most of our attempts at conversations could be anything between an hour minimum to 15 hours marathon back and forths about everything Ive done getting absolutely nowhere.

 

[Sanitarium]

Hi. In another sub-thread here I found some precious advice from a partner of addict. She recommended a few books to read and a video to watch. I have already ordered one book online for myself. I think you could also start with it. At least you will show that you try and care. It's only you still have to learn and improve your skill on that. That you are really looking forward to fixing things.
I will put those book names here once I find the post.

 

[Sanitarium]

with betrayal trauma many partners have no interest in working on themselves until they notice real change in the addict. By real change, I don’t mean just sobriety. Have you read any books on betrayal trauma? Here are a couple good ones -Worthy of Her Trust, Intimate Deception, Out Of The Doghouse, and Helping Her Heal( dvd).

check this out

 

[Sanitarium]

I have also ordered this one online, looking forward to receiving it and start reading, cause I also struggle with talking...

Turn your focus back to her. So let’s say you get an urge, work out, do chores, Or just walk up ask about her day and listen. Really listen. Actively try to hear and feel what her day was like good or bad. Notice where those feelings are in your body. It’s like an active meditation that focuses on you mind body connection and exercises the empathetic feelings. Don’t give advice. Don’t try to fix it. There’s actually a really good book called “I hear you”. It’s very good for tuning in and listening.

 

[Sanitarium]

I also highly recommend to read the following thread:
40 days into reboot, and I'm the one struggling

Place yourself on the other side. Learn your partner's truama you have given to them. For me it is an eye-opener.

 

[Sanitarium]

And you have to remember - the swamp you created is dragging your loved one in as well. It is on you (me in my case) to admit you're the one staying in the deep shit up to your belt. Do not let your love sink with you. Do not expect her to pull you out of your swamp neither. Learn to listen to her pain. She will hear your pain once you're out of this shit, not while you're still there. It's my personal opinion, though.

 

[Sanitarium]

Having a difficult time in reaching out to my partner and showing accountability and above all else empathy

She just does not trust your empathy at the moment. She is scared this empathy can be doctored / faked as your attempt to buy her trust. Be prepared for a long road towards re-building any of her trust. Be prepared that it is going to be a very hard trip. Do not expect light at the end of this tunnel though, but keep being dedicated if your final goal is to be with her.

 

[cwilso1]

I never show her empathy, maybe sympathy at best but I manage to turn all conversations round to be about me and how bad a person I am and how badly I wish I hadn't done what I done but I never see her in her pain or show empathy to her

 

[Sanitarium]

I never show her empathy, maybe sympathy at best but I manage to turn all conversations round to be about me and how bad a person I am and how badly I wish I hadn't done what I done but I never see her in her pain or show empathy to her

I see. You're too focused on yourself. Actually I did the same. I do not blame you on that, I hope your loved one also doesn't.
Are you in therapy? Are you aware of any childhood trauma of yours? I would appeal for professional help (as I did). Took me around half a year to realize the pain I had been bearing from my childhood. Without treating it, it is very hard to help even your most closest loved one. You should first help yourself. Without therapist it can be too hard or even impossible.

 

[Sanitarium]

Also, read this thread: SOs, what are you most angry about?

I've done it from Page 1 to the end. Very helpful in distracting your focus from yourself. I find posts from @Psalm27:1my light very insightful. She seems to be very experienced and wise woman.

 

[Sad_wife]

I never show her empathy, maybe sympathy at best but I manage to turn all conversations round to be about me and how bad a person I am and how badly I wish I hadn't done what I done but I never see her in her pain or show empathy to her

Those are signs (not trying to upset you) that you may have some narcissistic tendencies or traits. Please don’t get defensive. But look into Covert narcissisim. I’m not saying you are a narcissist. But that is one of the classic signs. Empathy is a very natural thing.

 

[Sanitarium]

I also highly recommend a book my therapist recommended to me: Breaking Negative Thinking Patterns. A schema therapy self-help and support book.
If you are concerned you are not empathic towards your wife and you cannot understand why, this book might help to reveal you might have some psychological issue you need to work on. I would even start with this book, rather than anything I mentioned before. That was actually also the beginning of my journey to a better life. And please seek for professional help if you have not yet.

 

[Sanitarium]

There were times my wife'd blame me I was too selfish, too self-focused, too self-pity. And I tought I was not. I had always considered myself as an empathic man, very carying and sacrificial to others. That was partly true, but behind all this was a trauma. Please read the book I just mentioned. Share your thought afterwards.

 

[used19]

You need to do a formal disclosure, preferably in a therapy setting. Having the information trickle out bit by bit restarts the trauma over and over again. Do you have CSAT yet?

You may find the book Worthy of Her Trust a good read. It very clearly lays out the changes you need to make to be completely transparent and begin the very slow work of trying to build back a form of trust (note it will never look like what it did before, but it can be better than the destruction you are in now assuming you can get sober and start working recovery).