Emptiness

Discussion in 'Loneliness' started by ProdigalSon74, Aug 19, 2019.

  1. ProdigalSon74

    ProdigalSon74 Fapstronaut

    A great depression has hung over my head for a long time. Whether its just because of the porn, or also just the way I've always been, my life feels like it is missing so much. I have very few connections and have never been in a real relationship. I find it difficult to make meaningful, lasting friendships that actually have substance to them. More than anything I want to live life to its fullest; for God and myself. But at this point I have no idea what I want or how to keep people in my life to the point where there is a reciprocity in the relationship; not just with a girl, but even just friends. I honestly find myself adrift with ample opportunity, but no drive or ambition. I don't know what to do.
     
  2. celery_tree

    celery_tree Fapstronaut

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    Breaks my heart to see something like this. I wish I could give some good advice. I'm going to take a risk and suggest searching up Jordan Peterson on YouTube. For people like me and you who've had problems like this and are religious, that guy's videos have literally revived us. I cant give good advice, but let me assure you, that guy sure can. Give it a try. What do you have to lose?
     
  3. IABBG

    IABBG Fapstronaut

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    Hello brother,

    I'm sorry to hear about your depressed mood and lack of energy. And being lonely sucks, because it eats at your core. That being said, we are created to be productive and get pleasure out of it.

    When we hurt, we can find a bit of solace in helping others. It can even be something as trivial as cheering someone else up, or helping an old person across the street, or providing some community service. And when you've done that small, random bit of kindness for someone who didn't expect it you'll find a bit of inner strength and encouragement. It will remind you of how truly awesome and great you are. Gradually, once your self-perception improves, others will notice it and be attracted to it.

    I also totally agree about Jordan Peterson. If you haven't listened to him or read his book (12 rules for life), I would suggest that. He provides surprisingly simple, yet powerful advice.

    Finally, remember to check in to NoFap and let us know what is going with your life. Even small things may be big victories in retrospect. Because usually it's the small thing that changes the course of our lives. Because that's how habits form: small things done consistently over time.
    A negative example is when a teen decides to smoke a cigarette. That small decision led to a lifetime of smoking eventually resulting in a heart attack.
    A positive example would be if an overweight man decides to go to the gym for 15 minutes. He may like the atmosphere and decides to go for the next little while. Perhaps if he's done it often enough, it would become the reason he avoided a heart attack 20 years down the life.

    Wish you all the best
     
    Homelander, Espi1971, newtry and 5 others like this.
  4. ProdigalSon74

    ProdigalSon74 Fapstronaut

    So make the little things count for something greater. I get that.
     
    potso likes this.
  5. ProdigalSon74

    ProdigalSon74 Fapstronaut

    One thing that bugs me is how I can never really seem to make legitimate relationships with people. Like for example I’m part of a Christian organization; and these people are great and welcoming. They know me and I like seeing them around; but the thing is they aren’t really like friends. We don’t hangout beyond social events and only see each other in passing. We smile and wave to each other, but that’s about it. It feels like just a common courtesy than being legitimately glad to see one another; an empty greeting. Like in the Angry Birds movie where they tell Red the others may smile and wave to him, but that doesn’t mean they like him.

    I just can’t make that reciprocal connection with people that shows they actually care. Right now I only have one friend who I can actually call a friend without a shred of doubt. I ask her to hang out and talk, she has asked me to hang out and talk, and we text each other whenever and have nice conversations. Point is, she actually takes the time to hang out with me and asks me to do the same. It feels exactly how it should; where two people achieve a reciprocal relationship where there is an actual back and forth as opposed to me trying to show interest in another and no progress being made. I’m just not sure how to apply it to other people or what I’m doing wrong that makes them not express the same interest in me as I do them.
     
  6. IABBG

    IABBG Fapstronaut

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    Hey man,

    Making friends is one of the most natural things humans do. We do it as kids and usually don't require any explicit techniques/advices beyond "don't be a hog and share your toys". However, as we grow up we drift apart, each of us preoccupied with his/her own little life.
    When looking at how easily highly extroverted people make "friends," we may be fooled into thinking that it's easy. However, these are not real friends. We should not confuse a posse or drinking buddies with true friends. A true friend will be there for you in rain or sunshine; they are not.

    Honestly, I don't think I have a lot of friends. I can easily count the good ones with the fingers of my right hand.
    However, I discovered that when it comes to friends, it's not the quantity - it's the quality that counts.
    The reality is that most people will NOT be a good friend to you. They may be too different, and likely do not have the same experiences.
    The good news is that some people have a potential to be a great friend to you. They just don't know it yet. However, once you and them hit it off - it will be known almost instantaneously. Anything forced usually does not work out and is often a waste of investment in the end.

    Like anything in life (money, partner, physique, etc) getting friends requires a grind. This may mean investing time into activities where you're bound to meet the kind of friend you want to attract. Like my brother says, "if you want to meet hot women, go to a yoga class; if you want to meet Christian people, try small groups". This method is will NOT bring immediate results, but it's the only thing that I know that works.

    Making friends is not easy. It requires time/money/effort. You have to ask yourself whether this investment/risk is worth it.

    Alternatively, how about getting a pet? A pet (esp. a dog) will love you unconditionally and will always want to be around you. It can also help with dating... ;)

    hope this helps
     
  7. IABBG

    IABBG Fapstronaut

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    How is the day today? Any interesting thoughts (both good and bad)?
     
  8. ProdigalSon74

    ProdigalSon74 Fapstronaut

    Well I’m a little worn down since I relapsed yesterday, but I’m trying not to let that slow me down. I’m a little happier since I got to meet up with some old friends and it’s going ok. I’m mostly trying to make changes in my life where I can make the most of every day; but I need to stay focused if I want to keep out of the relapse cycle.
     
  9. IABBG

    IABBG Fapstronaut

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    Stay strong my friend. I don't know about you, but every day not spent jerking off is a productive day in my books. Was there something in particular that caused the relapse? If so, is it possible to switch it with something else?
    Above all, don't worry about occasional stumbles. Don't let it eat your confidence. Focus on the progress you're making in your mind.
     
    12&6 likes this.
  10. ProdigalSon74

    ProdigalSon74 Fapstronaut

    Honestly, sometimes just the thought of something I’ve watched pops into my head and sits in the back of my mind until I do it.
     
  11. MuscularSherlockHolmes

    MuscularSherlockHolmes Fapstronaut

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    I was in the same boat, it sucks, and is a dark place to be in. But, there's an end to it. In time, eventually. I am open to hearing about it, if you want to unburden some baggage. Best wishes.
     
    Espi1971 and ProdigalSon74 like this.
  12. ProdigalSon74

    ProdigalSon74 Fapstronaut

    Appreciate it
     
  13. Breadman

    Breadman Fapstronaut

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    You know there are antidepressants that may help.
    I have seasonal affective disorder.(depression as a result of Lessing sun in fall through spring) and my doctor puts me on them November thru March. You don’t feel really up but you don’t get really down either.
     
    Deleted Account likes this.
  14. ProdigalSon74

    ProdigalSon74 Fapstronaut

    I mean I don’t think I have clinical depression. Life is just sad sometimes
     
  15. ProdigalSon74

    ProdigalSon74 Fapstronaut

    This week hasn’t been too bad. Relapses aside, I’ve done pretty good to keep busy and get out with other people. Just need to keep up the trend.
     
    Breadman likes this.
  16. Breadman

    Breadman Fapstronaut

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    Good to hear.
     
    ProdigalSon74 likes this.
  17. ProdigalSon74

    ProdigalSon74 Fapstronaut

    Overall, I’d say this week went ok. I unfortunately relapsed time and again, but I did not allow it to bring me down or keep me from making the most out of every day. There is always more I can do and I look forward to figuring that out. I have definitely been able to make time with other people and socialize more; though I still fall short.
     
  18. Breadman

    Breadman Fapstronaut

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    I agree with you. Don’t let your failures mess you up. Too many guys here act like slipping up is a devastating thing. Man, we’re still alive, stop whining and carry on. No one said it was easy.
     
  19. Kman20

    Kman20 Fapstronaut

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    Hey man I get this feeling of being stuck that you are describing. I bet you feel inhibited in your life and that a girlfriend would be great right now. This feeling is really relatable man. A lot of people nowadays have such shallow interactions that it is rare I feel to have relationships with substance. If you want to talk and vent about your life or situation feel free to message me.
     
    renewing likes this.
  20. ProdigalSon74

    ProdigalSon74 Fapstronaut

    Thanks man, I appreciate it. You are right that I do feel inhibited in my life; and in more ways than one. Every time I relapse it just makes it harder and I don't know what to do. I have often wondered that a girlfriend would make a difference, but for a longtime I decided against it because I figured it would just be a recipe for disaster and I would just be hurting girl I care about. It would be cruel of me to let her in only for her to be essentially cheated on; so I figured I'd wait until the point where I was pretty far into sobriety that I could be more confident about my chances of not causing infidelity.

    But recently I was looking into the Fight the New Drug organizations articles and they made me realize I was doing the wrong thing. To isolate yourself like that only pulls you down more. So now I'm trying to change that mindset, but I'm not sure what to do. the problem with dating is that now I have this big thing hanging over my head because I know I should tell whatever girl I decide to meet about my addiction before anything really happens. Honesty is an important part of overcoming addiction and I know I'd need to be honest with a woman first and foremost, but the problem is this isn't something I can do with just anyone. I feel like I need to establish a more personal connection before actually dating so they know what kind of person I am beforehand so they don't get the wrong idea. There is just so much I have to do and so much I don't know what to do; and I haven't even gotten started yet.
     

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