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ending this at nearly 20 and its been 13 years

Discussion in 'Rebooting - Porn Addiction Recovery' started by this2shallpass, May 9, 2022.

  1. this2shallpass

    this2shallpass New Fapstronaut

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    i literally started it on a 2009 day with my moms phone. i didnt have a phone back then. an boring friday noon, i picked up what has been spreading in my 4th grade classmates: starting from big b*****. i took my moms iphone 4s for that. the next morning she noticed the unusual traffic and looked up the history, scolded me but believed me after telling me all ab p*rn, and reminding herself that im a girl.
    what can i say? i never had a relationship irl actually tells a lot. but to tell u the truth?i watch it every half year cuz in my school years screen time was a luxury i put most times into studying before 18. soon as i enter my okay-ish college its like once every two months. i know it deep down that me on my face, u prolly wont believe or find it other than eye bags i suffer from no sleep due to anxiety and depressions. but my grades has been so low in college years, i failed 3 classes alrd. it cant be p*rn, but it could be. its a getaway for me, while i have stronger addictions on social anxiety, stress and wanting to succeed that i cry myself to sleep every night. irl im prolly still a bright-as-hell person, who tells others its okay to do this and that . but deep down i feel so sorry, for my mom cuz i never lived up to her expectations, for my friends cuz i know they expect better from me. thats a big part of my low self-esteem which keeps me in this depression state, also why i cant keep my head up a lot of times.
    Besides all of using p*rn for like like 30 ish times in my life, i believe this p*rn shit has put me in a pretty fked up state of mind. At 14 years old,i almost know every dirty jokes to an amout that isnt funny anymore, at 18, i almost resonate with these ppl with drug addiction, growing up i almost like to view stuff everywhere in a s*xualized way that im most ashamed of above all, even more than the way i used to watch p*rn at 9.this also, imo, keeps my self-esteem low cuz im pretty damn sure nobody wants to know whats in my mind.
    im just coming here to end it all abruptly and thoroughly cuz i dont need it in my life simply. and i hate my self-esteem to be so low bc of that, i hate self-harm, i hate being depressed bc of that when i alr have sm things on my schedule. im gonna be successful and im almost having no time to think about this shit, the future me is gonna be proud!
     
  2. Life is complicated. It is a shame that we are exposed to this stuff when we are most confused and vulnerable, because that's when it can have the most influence and leave a lasting impression.

    As someone who has lived with P-addiction for many years, let me first suggest that you are doing the right thing by stopping it. Porn is poison, and will either kill your mind quickly, or slowly over years and years. Either way, there will be a price to pay, and the price is HIGH.

    Take this seriously and your future self will thank you. Look at my journal, or maybe better, others in your age group. There is a way out, but it will become harder the longer you wait.

    Good luck!
     

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