Engaged Rebooter

Discussion in 'Rebooting in a Relationship' started by Muhammad2s, May 10, 2020.

  1. Muhammad2s

    Muhammad2s Fapstronaut

    I'm engaged to a beautiful girl who knows about my addiction and she really supports me. We are supposed to marry in September but I have a very bad problem which I sometimes want to talk in a very bad and seductive way to her and sometimes to hold her hand and touch her. she doesn't accept that and I know it is my fault. these attempts to talk to her that way also sabotage my recovery. any advice on how to deal with these urges? taking into consideration that we can't have sex before marriage.
     
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  2. p1n1983

    p1n1983 Fapstronaut

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    She is your girl, you are attracted to her so for me is natural that you want to talk to her dirty, seductive and escalate things physically to touch her, feel her. If she is attracted to you she will be glad to have that interaction with you. You don't need to have sex to be intimate with each other. Touching, flirting, kissing etc are all good for bonding as a couple. If you like to do that stuff is ok, if she doesn't reciprocate that.. why would you be with her? she seems more like a friend to me for the moment. What if after marriage she keep been cold and don't like you to talk dirty and seductive to her and you get really little sex because she isn't into it? Lovers should be all over each other and avoiding sex till marriage should be dificult for both of you. But if you are the only one wanting her physically theres something wrong there and you need to figure that out.
     
  3. Muhammad2s

    Muhammad2s Fapstronaut

    You didn't get it @p1n1983 She is completely right due to our conservative culture and most importantly because of our religion as we are Muslims and all of the things are not acceptable before marriage. The truth is if she did any of these things with me and accepted my seductive talking I won't be happy. I like how she behaves but I don't like the way I behave and because she doesn't reciprocate that doesn't mean that she is cold or doesn't like me but we just can't do any of these things before marriage.
     
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  4. Metis07

    Metis07 Fapstronaut

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    Assalamu aleikum @Muhammad2s
    Is it possible to make your marriage sooner? Or to make nikah ceremony now and marriage in September. I don’t know what you mean exactly by marriage nor why you have decided to arrange it in September, but to make it as soon as possible (as long as you both and your parents are sure in your choice) is my first advice.
    You can try to diminish your cravings for sex by prayers, fasting (once a week for example), sports, meditation, cold showers (!), stopping social media, psubs (like YouTube videos and Instagram), get busy and stop thinking about sex in general.
    Try not to stay with your girlfriend alone or in some intimate circumstances, and try not to call/exchange messages with her too late (like after 11pm for example). The most radical way is to stop seeing her until marriage (just keep contact).

    May God help you find a way to do it properly that you and your future wife will be both proud of you
     
  5. Muhammad2s

    Muhammad2s Fapstronaut

    Thanks bro, Marriage was supposed to be next year but with the help of God we arranged it to be in September. you know it wasn't that bad as we didn't see each other very often due to the lockdown and I can't control my self sometimes but thanks God this is not my habit. I have neither social media accounts nor youtube these days. and It's Ramadan so I fast everyday bro. I really liked your advice and I will try to apply whatever I can from it. Thanks a lot
     
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  6. p1n1983

    p1n1983 Fapstronaut

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    You are behaving like a normal man that is attracted to his woman. You want her but your religion don't allow you to behave naturally until marriage, so your heart and brain are not aligned and creates a conflict inside you about what you really want.
    There's no magical tip to avoid this urges to bond physically with her. This are the same urges that attack every Fapstronaut, just let them be and do nothing with your wife.
     
  7. Metis07

    Metis07 Fapstronaut

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    It’s not normal (such behavior). It is shown as normal by nowadays society (as influencers on TV, Instagram, etc.).
    Today f*cking around with women is normal, having affairs for men or women is not normal but nothing terrible either, having multiple partners for women before marriage is normal - it is insane how everything is turning upside down, just insane.
    The same thing for PMO - people say that it is completely normal, but I think we know now the truth, lol.

    The urges we have towards women are normal, but such behavior (as premarital 'close' relationship) is not and with time I am more and more sure that religious point of view on such thing is the best one (including the possibility of having 1-4 wives). I think @p1n1983 you are trying to give a valuable advice, but you miss the point. So I am happy for OP author that he has such spouse (I hope that she is doing it from the best intentions), which is very rare nowadays.
     
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  8. Stp890

    Stp890 Fapstronaut

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    Assalamu alaikum,congratulation for your engagement,and i want say good for obeying your religion,and your girl seems to be the right one for you,you are lucky that she is religious, understand you,and ready to help live with you in marriage,so that you can rewire to her,i will wait to see your success story soon,congratulation once again.
     
  9. Muhammad2s

    Muhammad2s Fapstronaut

    The normal thing is that I'm attracted to my woman, But being attracted to her the way I do is not normal and this is what I was seeking advice for. I'm not a religious person but I'm positive that my religion doesn't allow me to misbehave. and if what you are saying is right then cheating with another woman may be good if she accepted my seductive talking. but fucking any woman who can accept being touched appropriately is not normal and if she accepted the dirty talking that doesn't make it normal too and she will be a ***** not a woman you can marry and have family with.
    I agree that my heart and mind are in conflict inside of me about what I want, not because they want the right thing but because my heart is sick and my mind is twisted and deviated because of years of porn and masturbation and imagining women accepting my touching and deviant words. The more natural thing for me and I thank God for still having that belief is having a healthy relationship with my wife after marriage not before that. and I think all religions agree on this point and the only difference may be in the culture so this makes your advice valuable but for someone with the same culture. Thanks bro
     
    Last edited: May 12, 2020
  10. Muhammad2s

    Muhammad2s Fapstronaut

    I completely agree with what you said @Metis07.
    Thanks bro. She is actually a gift from God.
     
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  11. Muhammad2s

    Muhammad2s Fapstronaut

    Thanks bro:emoji_blush:
    Inshallah, May God help us all.
     
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  12. p1n1983

    p1n1983 Fapstronaut

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    the only thing that i want to reinforce is that everything is allowed between you and your wife (not with other womans, that's cheating). what you are feeling about your future woman is totally normal by nature. Attraction between a man and a woman is normal. if your society and religion restrict the way you need to behave with her is up to you to behave the way they want or the way you feel.
     
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  13. theforgotten1423

    theforgotten1423 Fapstronaut

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    I am in the exact same situation as you bro, but unfortunately my marriage is still years away. I found this thread quite useful and will try the advices given by @Metis07 . What I realize is, that it is going to be hard but there is no escaping from it. If I don't bear this pain today, I will keep on living a miserable life for many years and it wont get better after marriage and I will finally have to deal with it some day. So, it is better to deal with it today while it is easier and while it has not taken up many years of my life than to go through the same pain or even more pain after having given up so many years of my life. Ialso realize that just like I beat P addiction and now I don't feel any pain, this one will also be a temporary phase and within a month or two or thee months it will be the new normal for me and I will be as happy without sexting as I am today or even more happier. From the advices by @Metis07 I am going to do the following, as a 90 day program

    1. Fasting (at least once a week) and Prayer daily
    2. Not texting at all with my gf for a while
    3. Even when I text, won't text too late (may be 12 midnight for me)
    4. Getting busy with my studies
    5. Finding healthy alternatives , like reading some novels etc.
    6. Coming here once in a while to post my progress and renew my commitment by seeing this comment of mine.
    7. Reading and gaining more information about how bad sexting is so that once I recover , I will have enough knowledge and willpower to not get back on this path.

    Resetting my counter to day 1
     
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  14. Stp890

    Stp890 Fapstronaut

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    Man,you should atleast understand him,the man admires his religion and chose to live according to the religion,thi s was his opinion,you have your opinion too, don't force/insist that he should do it the way you like it.
     
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