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'Entitlement': realising it, and trying to get over it

Discussion in 'Self Improvement' started by Gamekeeper89, May 17, 2017.

  1. Gamekeeper89

    Gamekeeper89 Fapstronaut

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    This post is about learning that I feel 'entitled', and working towards a different attitude.

    This is a difficult one, but maybe it is necessary.

    I think some of the challenges I face may be due to the fact that I am an 'entitled' person. What does this mean?

    Here's one definition: believing oneself to be inherently deserving of privileges or special treatment.

    Part of the reason this is difficult is because I have been told in the past, by a loved one, that I am 'emotionally entitled and privileged'. At the time I didn't really understand what that meant, but obviously I felt instantly defensive about it and I denied it outright. But now I am starting to form a different view.

    Let's take things way back. When I was a child, being looked after by my mother on her own, I would often get what I wanted. I was more persistent than my sister, more insistent that I should get my own way. My mother was full of love for us, she was overworked and she would often give in.

    At school I did well at the subjects I liked - English, History, Drama. I realise now that I felt I could achieve praise without much effort, without discipline.

    I did well at university, again without much discipline or effort. When I came back to London I had a passionate relationship with a beautiful man, whom I had confidently approached the first time I went out to a gay club in London. Within a few weeks he told me he loved me. We were never really right for each other, and I ended it about a year later.

    Then a couple of years on things changed. I went back to school and I struggled to do well. I became ill (what I became ill with is for another day) and that knocked my confidence. I left college feeling my ego had been bruised. Then I found it difficult to find work that was satisfying. I got into another relationship - this time with a man whom I thought could, possibly, be the 'one'. He slept with someone else within a few weeks of us dating. I forgave him. He ended it. We got back together. He ended it again. I still loved him desperately. He had taught me about sex, about being a grown up. He was one of the most fortitudinous people that I had ever met, and my respect for him was a source of my love. I felt emotionally reduced to bits of rubble by his rejections. I implicitly demanded again and again to know why he would not be with me, why I was not good enough. That's when he said it. That I was 'emotionally entitled and privileged.'

    And perhaps I am. Perhaps I was a spoilt child and a privileged, insouciant young man. And life's challenges caught up with me. Life tapped me on the shoulder and said, with a savage smile, 'You didn't think it would be that easy, did you?'

    How does this relate to porn addiction? Well, just as my mind could not compute the necessity of discipline or the inevitability of rejection, my body has not been trained to delay gratification. Without realising it, I have felt 'entitled' to get what I want: I want something, I want it now, but I do not recognise that there may be hurdles and pitfalls along the way to getting it. I want sexual passion, I want the feeling of a physical rush: I will take the easy road, and masturbate as soon as I feel the stir of desire. I masturbated whenever I felt I wanted to, without realising what this was doing to me (ED, addiction, etc.)

    When we want things in life: success, pleasure, love, but we are not prepared to work hard for them, and to identify their pitfalls, and prepare for inevitable disappointments, we end up spoiling the thing we want to achieve.

    I want success, I want love, I want passion, I want happiness, but I am not automatically entitled to these things. I need to realise that they only come with hard work and dedication, and sometimes, as in the case of sexual gratification, restraint; and even after all that they may not come at all. But if they do come, how much more richly enjoyed they will be, if I know I put the effort of my heart and soul into achieving them.
     
  2. pavloo91

    pavloo91 Fapstronaut

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    Wow. There might be something in it, you know? I had similar experience at school - everything came at no effort. And I want to be healed of my addiction now - again, I don't want to work for it plus I want instant gratification(recovery NOOW!), which is a paradox, if you think about it. This resonates with me. In fact I was thinking about it the other day.
     
    Gamekeeper89 likes this.
  3. Aarius

    Aarius Fapstronaut

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    Wonderful post. They were well thought out and I appreciate you taking the time to make it.

    I have the same problem. What comes to mind is the rage I get when I'm trying to PMO and the Internet speed is speed is poor. After that I treat anyone around me poorly and I lash out.

    It's embarrassing! It's childish and makes me think of being an entitled little shit. I will keep your post on my mind.
     
  4. Gamekeeper89

    Gamekeeper89 Fapstronaut

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    The important thing is that we're not oblivious to our faults and failings - we are coming to terms with them, and that's the first step to fixing them. Good luck.
     
    LivinginRecovery likes this.
  5. Gamekeeper89

    Gamekeeper89 Fapstronaut

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    I see what you mean about the paradox of wanting recovery instantly - it will take time and I think it will demonstrate to each of us that we are capable of engaging will power and dedication.
     
  6. Bearish

    Bearish Fapstronaut

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    Not to mention "faithfulness." Recently I've been trying to help people think about faithfulness not as the province of "belief," but of commitment. When I pledge my faith to you as friends and companions on this road, I am saying that I intend to walk it with you until either we get to journey's end, or something else happens to take us from the road entirely. Far more important than "will power" or "discipline" is one's faithfulness (and as you say, "dedication") to the essential work behind us and ahead of us.

    There seem to be a lot of harsher voices calling for "discipline" in this chaotic generation. *I* think we need to call for faithfulness in this disconnected generation.
     

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