Escalation at its finest (Possible triggers)

Discussion in 'Porn Addiction' started by YetAnotherInternetUser, Apr 8, 2017.

  1. YetAnotherInternetUser

    YetAnotherInternetUser Fapstronaut

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    Hello dear NoFap community, today i'm going to share my story and give you an example of how porn is trying to ruin my life and how quickly things can escalate.

    I'm writing this because i almost had an awful relapse so i guess this is a good time for my 1st post.

    A little background i'm a 19 yo male, porn user since early age probably around 11-12.
    in a serious relationship for the past 2 years.

    Growing up in life i was a fairly average kid i had a normal life nothing too dramatic to think about. But of course i was fapping every single day before going to bed, normal casual stuff but then in the past few years things have really escalated just like that.
    From the casual porn stuff i got into shemale "stuff" (at 1st i was like wow this is new and weird and it got me feeling a lot more excited it was sort of taboo stuff i knew it was weird and wrong and i kept watching and watching it) and then when that stopped giving me the feeling i started going into more "deep shit" fetishes and fendom bs. Basically i was just looking to get that good feeling like before but i just kept needing more and more. Suddenly i was watching forced feminization and i got really into the sissy hypnotic stuff and for the 1st time ever i was questioning my sexuality and i always felt horrible even sick wanting to vomit after doing all the things just to get the "good feeling for the moment". Porn basically twisted my sexuality to be "the girl" and that caused so many problems and self hate and self esteem issues and it all happened just like that. Not to mention for the past year i went form a normal even "cool" "fun chatty person" to just a depressed mummy.
    And all of this while faking that i am okay and maintaining a healthy relationship.
    I had no problems with ED in the beginning and that sort of thing but once i started doing the "other stuff" i experienced every problem in the book. That really was the tipping point and i decided to make a change. I did quit watching porn every day now all that is left are the awful urges that come and go due to the "hypno things and fendoms". NoFap has been a hit or miss i keep relapsing but i'm not giving up.
    I have been lurking a lot trying to improve and stop this issue that so many of us have to deal with. I am really thankful that places like this exist.
     
    choosingbetter likes this.
  2. RichardCory

    RichardCory Fapstronaut

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    Yet -

    I have this same problem. I have researched the issue/problem and spent an inordinate amount of time, trying to "fix myself" and rid myself of this perversion. Here are my thoughts ...

    Sissy porn is heterosexual porn, except with the "twist" being submission, humiliation, abuse, etc., with the "weapon" of choice being homosexual sex. It is a mental mind-fuck to go with your right hand. I believe that this particular porn product (and the related perversions and mental perturbations, like crossdressing) is founded upon low self-esteem and feeling unworthy of the love and attention of others. The pornographers are just marketing a product to people with this hangup. My guess is that gay men are not the target market of sissy porn. They have their own channel.

    For a long time (and still at times now), I was incredibly embarrassed and ashamed about this perversion. It is literally the only secret in my life that I have ever kept from my wife of two decades. I can't explain it, I don't understand it, and it would be completely humiliating if anyone in my real world ever learned of it.

    But but the truth is that we did not ask for this ... There was (and perhaps still is) something in our life experiences that makes this particular kind of pornography effective on us ... maybe it is loneliness, or isolation, or rejection, or perhaps lack of meaningful connection/relationships at formidable times in our lives, or general feelings of unworthy, not being good enough, failure.

    I also believe that, on some level, this shame and self-loathing are actually feeding into the perversion itself. This kind of pornography always leads to feeling shame, feeling humiliated, feeling depression ... it is probably why we do it.

    I am not a psychologist and I certainly do not have all the answers, but I believe we fight through by self acceptance, greater self esteem and self confidence, and better "real world" relationships. Someone out there, there is a pornography employee working on new tactics and algorithms to pick those scars and make them bleed. We fight them by learning to accept that those scars are just part of us.

    Again, don't have all the answers and still battling through myself. Just commiserating and encouraging you to keep fighting.
     
  3. Jamie_K

    Jamie_K Guest

    I think you nailed it: "..it is loneliness, or isolation, or rejection, or perhaps lack of meaningful connection/relationships at formidable times in our lives, or general feelings of unworthy, not being good enough, failure."

    For str8 guys, that is the issue ---period.
     
  4. silenteagle

    silenteagle Fapstronaut

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    Absolutely!
     
  5. Bowcaster

    Bowcaster Fapstronaut

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    Boom. Biggest truth bomb I've ever read.

    Ive always had trouble with relationships. To the point where even though I talk freely on NoFap about the sick shit I've been into I'm embarrassed to say how little I've done with real woman. In high school I was a loser and a video game geek and though I had some other loser friends I never had the had the confidence to go after girls. Even though since graduating and moving to Israel and finding faith I have improved exponentially (in everything except relationships) my scars still remain. These scars and my inability to get into real relationships is what is fueling these fetishes. I fear that with no PMO I will still fantisize about these fetishes until I can fix my self confidence and relationship problems.
     
  6. Bowcaster

    Bowcaster Fapstronaut

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    Hmmm I'm just going to just assume you didn't understand him correctly. He nor we are "looking for an excuse" or "justifying it", we are looking for what caused us to be attracted to this sick shit and how we can fix ourselves.

    Also your premise is completely wrong. Though it does display homosexual content it is in fact made for heterosexual men! This is known fact, more commonly known in regards to she-male porn which is watched almosted exclusively by heterosexual men. There are many articles and videos on the subject.

    Please try to know what your talking about before you waste your time on such a long post. Or at least try to understand what the OP was implying.
     
    Jamie_K likes this.
  7. Bowcaster

    Bowcaster Fapstronaut

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    Ok the more I read your post the more it irritates me. Are you blind to the fact that he is not trying to "rationalize it" and "make it more palatable"? he is trying to get to the bottom of this evil. Some common sense and some decency would be nice.
     
    TheLoneDanger and Jamie_K like this.
  8. Bowcaster

    Bowcaster Fapstronaut

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    I don't think he intended self pity. You have to understand a problem in order to solve it. Just like how a smoker needs to know the underlying reason that he feels like he needs a cigarette. If you don't get rid of the underlying reason the problem won't go away. in our case that means that we need to focus on getting out self confidence back and try to get into healthy relationships.(granted not easy at all).

    Sorry if I got mad at you, I'm working a night shift at work and it's almost 7 AM and I'm tired and moody.
     
    Jamie_K likes this.
  9. AscendRestore

    AscendRestore Fapstronaut

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    I don't understand the hypnosis element - is it pretend hypnosis or is it is something more than that?
     
    Hiraeth likes this.
  10. @YetAnotherInternetUser you will get through this. You will heal, if you take steps in that direction. This awful addiction is not your identity. It may have twisted your mind for now but you can twist it back! Have faith bro, seek health and you will reach it. Good luck man :)
     
  11. YetAnotherInternetUser

    YetAnotherInternetUser Fapstronaut

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    Thank you everyone for all of your replies. I have been improving a lot the last few weeks and i have almost killed the specific urges that used to trouble me before. I still have a long way to go so i will keep fighting and i hope you do the same we're in this war together nobody gets left behind !
     
  12. Bowcaster

    Bowcaster Fapstronaut

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    Wow tell us your secret! How did you get rid of this despicable fetish??
     
  13. YetAnotherInternetUser

    YetAnotherInternetUser Fapstronaut

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    Oh i'm far from being cured, but what i did is started working out and avoided being alone at all times, and at night i listen to music until i fall asleep. Also at night if you try and touch your phone, install a days counter app any app that just counts days and nothing more if you have an urge you open the app and look at the few days that you have passed and i had set 3 goals 30, 60, 90 and i always thought to myself if i even type anything in google porn related i'd had to start again. The biggest help was when I had to rebuild my way of thinking of how i see myself, my problem as stated above is me and the way i see me.
     
    Bowcaster likes this.
  14. Bob2132

    Bob2132 Fapstronaut

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    Who is that in your avatar? Is that Maimonides?
     
  15. Bowcaster

    Bowcaster Fapstronaut

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    Why yes it is. Or more accurately it is a drawing based on a popular illustration of Maimonides, but we don't know if that is what he actually looked like.
     
  16. Bob2132

    Bob2132 Fapstronaut

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    Cool. I have read some of his writings. Interesting person. Some of his writings on ethics can be helpful even beyond any religious significance.
     
  17. Bowcaster

    Bowcaster Fapstronaut

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    A bonafide genius, and one of my biggest personal role models. What in particular did you like about his ethics?
     
  18. Creatus

    Creatus Guest

    Crossdressing is not necessarily related to porn and not necessarily unhealthy. Psychologist Carl Jung coined the term Anima and Animus (the feminine part in man or the masculine part in woman) and pointed out that crossdressing can be a way for men to explore and integrate their anima, once the anima is integrated the crossdressing naturally fades.

    The issue with porn has to do with how it over-mentalizes and over-excites through hyper-focusing on taboo... Aka what is considered "wrong" or "perverted" has a funny way of grabbing us... Yet porn also puts us into a catatonic state... We are not living life, we are frozen in a mental fantasy that never comes into fruition and thus "tricks us" into living a life of imprisonment... So, watching crossdresser porn and exploring crossdressing itself can be on very very different dimensions. Porn conditions us to see femininity in a specific way that limits us and kills creativity. The purpose of a man exploring and integrating his own anima is just the opposite.
     
  19. Bob2132

    Bob2132 Fapstronaut

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    His ethics was very practical and based on forming good habits. Interesting he is your role model. I wonder why you look up to him so much. Certainly a very scholarly person.
     
  20. Bowcaster

    Bowcaster Fapstronaut

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    Yes he was a very scholarly person, but more than that I admire that he was a master of multiple different fields. His scholarly work included theology, philosophy, medicine and even astronomy. His talents however were not solely academic. He was also one of the best doctor Egypt, taking care of princes and sultans, as well as being the most powerful political figure representing Jews in Egypt. Having the ability to enter numerous different and unrelated yet all important fields and to become the best in all of them is an amazing feat.
     

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