Escalation at its finest (Possible triggers)

[YetAnotherInternetUser]

Hello dear NoFap community, today i'm going to share my story and give you an example of how porn is trying to ruin my life and how quickly things can escalate.

I'm writing this because i almost had an awful relapse so i guess this is a good time for my 1st post.

A little background i'm a 19 yo male, porn user since early age probably around 11-12.
in a serious relationship for the past 2 years.

Growing up in life i was a fairly average kid i had a normal life nothing too dramatic to think about. But of course i was fapping every single day before going to bed, normal casual stuff but then in the past few years things have really escalated just like that.
From the casual porn stuff i got into transwoman "stuff" (at 1st i was like wow this is new and weird and it got me feeling a lot more excited it was sort of taboo stuff i knew it was weird and wrong and i kept watching and watching it) and then when that stopped giving me the feeling i started going into more "deep shit" fetishes and fendom bs. Basically i was just looking to get that good feeling like before but i just kept needing more and more. Suddenly i was watching forced feminization and i got really into the sissy hypnotic stuff and for the 1st time ever i was questioning my sexuality and i always felt horrible even sick wanting to vomit after doing all the things just to get the "good feeling for the moment". Porn basically twisted my sexuality to be "the girl" and that caused so many problems and self hate and self esteem issues and it all happened just like that. Not to mention for the past year i went form a normal even "cool" "fun chatty person" to just a depressed mummy.
And all of this while faking that i am okay and maintaining a healthy relationship.
I had no problems with ED in the beginning and that sort of thing but once i started doing the "other stuff" i experienced every problem in the book. That really was the tipping point and i decided to make a change. I did quit watching porn every day now all that is left are the awful urges that come and go due to the "hypno things and fendoms". NoFap has been a hit or miss i keep relapsing but i'm not giving up.
I have been lurking a lot trying to improve and stop this issue that so many of us have to deal with. I am really thankful that places like this exist.

 

[RichardCory]

Yet -

I have this same problem. I have researched the issue/problem and spent an inordinate amount of time, trying to "fix myself" and rid myself of this perversion. Here are my thoughts ...

Sissy porn is heterosexual porn, except with the "twist" being submission, humiliation, abuse, etc., with the "weapon" of choice being homosexual sex. It is a mental mind-fuck to go with your right hand. I believe that this particular porn product (and the related perversions and mental perturbations, like crossdressing) is founded upon low self-esteem and feeling unworthy of the love and attention of others. The pornographers are just marketing a product to people with this hangup. My guess is that gay men are not the target market of sissy porn. They have their own channel.

For a long time (and still at times now), I was incredibly embarrassed and ashamed about this perversion. It is literally the only secret in my life that I have ever kept from my wife of two decades. I can't explain it, I don't understand it, and it would be completely humiliating if anyone in my real world ever learned of it.

But but the truth is that we did not ask for this ... There was (and perhaps still is) something in our life experiences that makes this particular kind of pornography effective on us ... maybe it is loneliness, or isolation, or rejection, or perhaps lack of meaningful connection/relationships at formidable times in our lives, or general feelings of unworthy, not being good enough, failure.

I also believe that, on some level, this shame and self-loathing are actually feeding into the perversion itself. This kind of pornography always leads to feeling shame, feeling humiliated, feeling depression ... it is probably why we do it.

I am not a psychologist and I certainly do not have all the answers, but I believe we fight through by self acceptance, greater self esteem and self confidence, and better "real world" relationships. Someone out there, there is a pornography employee working on new tactics and algorithms to pick those scars and make them bleed. We fight them by learning to accept that those scars are just part of us.

Again, don't have all the answers and still battling through myself. Just commiserating and encouraging you to keep fighting.

 

[Jamie_K]

Yet -

I have this same problem. I have researched the issue/problem and spent an inordinate amount of time, trying to "fix myself" and rid myself of this perversion. Here are my thoughts ...

Sissy porn is heterosexual porn, except with the "twist" being submission, humiliation, abuse, etc., with the "weapon" of choice being homosexual sex. It is a mental mind-fuck to go with your right hand. I believe that this particular porn product (and the related perversions and mental perturbations, like crossdressing) is founded upon low self-esteem and feeling unworthy of the love and attention of others. The pornographers are just marketing a product to people with this hangup. My guess is that gay men are not the target market of sissy porn. They have their own channel.

For a long time (and still at times now), I was incredibly embarrassed and ashamed about this perversion. It is literally the only secret in my life that I have ever kept from my wife of two decades. I can't explain it, I don't understand it, and it would be completely humiliating if anyone in my real world ever learned of it.

But but the truth is that we did not ask for this ... There was (and perhaps still is) something in our life experiences that makes this particular kind of pornography effective on us ... maybe it is loneliness, or isolation, or rejection, or perhaps lack of meaningful connection/relationships at formidable times in our lives, or general feelings of unworthy, not being good enough, failure.

I also believe that, on some level, this shame and self-loathing are actually feeding into the perversion itself. This kind of pornography always leads to feeling shame, feeling humiliated, feeling depression ... it is probably why we do it.

I am not a psychologist and I certainly do not have all the answers, but I believe we fight through by self acceptance, greater self esteem and self confidence, and better "real world" relationships. Someone out there, there is a pornography employee working on new tactics and algorithms to pick those scars and make them bleed. We fight them by learning to accept that those scars are just part of us.

Again, don't have all the answers and still battling through myself. Just commiserating and encouraging you to keep fighting.

I think you nailed it: "..it is loneliness, or isolation, or rejection, or perhaps lack of meaningful connection/relationships at formidable times in our lives, or general feelings of unworthy, not being good enough, failure."

For str8 guys, that is the issue ---period.

 

[silenteagle]

I think you nailed it: "..it is loneliness, or isolation, or rejection, or perhaps lack of meaningful connection/relationships at formidable times in our lives, or general feelings of unworthy, not being good enough, failure."

For str8 guys, that is the issue ---period.

Absolutely!

 

[Deleted Account]

I believe that this particular porn product (and the related perversions and mental perturbations, like crossdressing) is founded upon low self-esteem and feeling unworthy of the love and attention of others. The pornographers are just marketing a product to people with this hangup. My guess is that gay men are not the target market of sissy porn. They have their own channel.


But but the truth is that we did not ask for this ... There was (and perhaps still is) something in our life experiences that makes this particular kind of pornography effective on us ... maybe it is loneliness, or isolation, or rejection, or perhaps lack of meaningful connection/relationships at formidable times in our lives, or general feelings of unworthy, not being good enough, failure.

I also believe that, on some level, this shame and self-loathing are actually feeding into the perversion itself. This kind of pornography always leads to feeling shame, feeling humiliated, feeling depression ... it is probably why we do it.

I am not a psychologist and I certainly do not have all the answers, but I believe we fight through by self acceptance, greater self esteem and self confidence, and better "real world" relationships. Someone out there, there is a pornography employee working on new tactics and algorithms to pick those scars and make them bleed. We fight them by learning to accept that those scars are just part of us.

Again, don't have all the answers and still battling through myself. Just commiserating and encouraging you to keep fighting.

Boom. Biggest truth bomb I've ever read.

Ive always had trouble with relationships. To the point where even though I talk freely on NoFap about the sick shit I've been into I'm embarrassed to say how little I've done with real woman. In high school I was a loser and a video game geek and though I had some other loser friends I never had the had the confidence to go after girls. Even though since graduating and moving to Israel and finding faith I have improved exponentially (in everything except relationships) my scars still remain. These scars and my inability to get into real relationships is what is fueling these fetishes. I fear that with no PMO I will still fantisize about these fetishes until I can fix my self confidence and relationship problems.

 

[Deleted Account]

This is a load of manure all you're doing is giving yourself an excuse and everyone who buys into this.

First, sissy porn and everything it represents is probably the gayest thing on the planet. There is nothing heterosexual about that at all.

There is nothing heterosexual about these videos that encourage sucking cocks, eating cum, and getting your ass torn open by cocks! It seems like you are trying to distance yourself from reality by making your interest in this porn more palatable by believing that it's really "heterosexual" but it's not and until you realize how gay it is you'll never be able to escape it.

...and if you watched any of these sissy videos they always encourage escalation to gay porn that's the goal. It feeds into the gay pornography it could be considered in this way the "gateway" and leads to the "HOCD" phenomenon.

Stop trying to justify it.



Yes you did ask for it! You're the one who keeps seeking out the videos. Nobody is forcing you to watch sissy porn it's something that you choose to do! Stop looking for someone to blame and accept responsibility!

You are trying to give some pity party excuse you have some personality flaws or defects that make sissy porn too strong for you to resist or some other nonsense.

It's not true! It is the pornography that is flawed and that has convinced you that there is something wrong with you, that you are lacking in some way and it is the pornography that sells itself as the cure or what you need to fill the hole inside of you and the sissy porn solution is to fill that hole literally with a bunch of cock inside you so you can die of aids and become an emasculated shell that serves only to be used by a bunch of homos until your dead and you got no use to them anymore.

Stop looking for excuses you are only feeding in to the evil minds who create this "sissy pornography" by trying to create justifications which is exactly what they want you to do. They want you to think how appropriate this porn is for you and how that you need it!

Stop trying to rationalize this bull shit! It's filth and it has no basis in anything unless you too want to become filth. All sissy pornography is good is creating human garbage, that is the end result if one were to accept it they become a disposable piece of meat to be used up until dead.

Hmmm I'm just going to just assume you didn't understand him correctly. He nor we are "looking for an excuse" or "justifying it", we are looking for what caused us to be attracted to this sick shit and how we can fix ourselves.

Also your premise is completely wrong. Though it does display homosexual content it is in fact made for heterosexual men! This is known fact, more commonly known in regards to she-male porn which is watched almosted exclusively by heterosexual men. There are many articles and videos on the subject.

Please try to know what your talking about before you waste your time on such a long post. Or at least try to understand what the OP was implying.

 

[Deleted Account]

This is a load of manure all you're doing is giving yourself an excuse and everyone who buys into this.

First, sissy porn and everything it represents is probably the gayest thing on the planet. There is nothing heterosexual about that at all.

There is nothing heterosexual about these videos that encourage sucking cocks, eating cum, and getting your ass torn open by cocks! It seems like you are trying to distance yourself from reality by making your interest in this porn more palatable by believing that it's really "heterosexual" but it's not and until you realize how gay it is you'll never be able to escape it.

...and if you watched any of these sissy videos they always encourage escalation to gay porn that's the goal. It feeds into the gay pornography it could be considered in this way the "gateway" and leads to the "HOCD" phenomenon.

Stop trying to justify it.



Yes you did ask for it! You're the one who keeps seeking out the videos. Nobody is forcing you to watch sissy porn it's something that you choose to do! Stop looking for someone to blame and accept responsibility!

You are trying to give some pity party excuse you have some personality flaws or defects that make sissy porn too strong for you to resist or some other nonsense.

It's not true! It is the pornography that is flawed and that has convinced you that there is something wrong with you, that you are lacking in some way and it is the pornography that sells itself as the cure or what you need to fill the hole inside of you and the sissy porn solution is to fill that hole literally with a bunch of cock inside you so you can die of aids and become an emasculated shell that serves only to be used by a bunch of homos until your dead and you got no use to them anymore.

Stop looking for excuses you are only feeding in to the evil minds who create this "sissy pornography" by trying to create justifications which is exactly what they want you to do. They want you to think how appropriate this porn is for you and how that you need it!

Stop trying to rationalize this bull shit! It's filth and it has no basis in anything unless you too want to become filth. All sissy pornography is good is creating human garbage, that is the end result if one were to accept it they become a disposable piece of meat to be used up until dead.

Ok the more I read your post the more it irritates me. Are you blind to the fact that he is not trying to "rationalize it" and "make it more palatable"? he is trying to get to the bottom of this evil. Some common sense and some decency would be nice.

 

[Deleted Account]

I was referring to the porn as homosexual not the people who watch it and for the same reason you have in your post because it displays homosexual content.

I do not dispute that sissy porn like transwoman porn is targeted to heterosexual men my point was that sissy porn can lead to homosexual activities not that it was created for homosexuals.



All I meant was to try to say we should not have a victim mentality or believe that we have some characteristics that make us predisposed to sissy porn and that is the reason we are grappling with this porn addiction.

Because that gives credence and legitimacy to the sissy porn which is designed to prey upon self imposed flaws such as "small penis"....etc....

I just meant that we should not play their game of picking apart our flaws as that is what got us in to this mess.

So lets not look to these "flaws" or try to rationalize why we watched sissy porn let us instead discuss the reasons why we shouldn't.

That is my only suggestion.

Self pity is useless.

I don't think he intended self pity. You have to understand a problem in order to solve it. Just like how a smoker needs to know the underlying reason that he feels like he needs a cigarette. If you don't get rid of the underlying reason the problem won't go away. in our case that means that we need to focus on getting out self confidence back and try to get into healthy relationships.(granted not easy at all).

Sorry if I got mad at you, I'm working a night shift at work and it's almost 7 AM and I'm tired and moody.

 

[AscendRestore]

I don't understand the hypnosis element - is it pretend hypnosis or is it is something more than that?

 

[Deleted Account]

@YetAnotherInternetUser you will get through this. You will heal, if you take steps in that direction. This awful addiction is not your identity. It may have twisted your mind for now but you can twist it back! Have faith bro, seek health and you will reach it. Good luck man

 

[YetAnotherInternetUser]

Thank you everyone for all of your replies. I have been improving a lot the last few weeks and i have almost killed the specific urges that used to trouble me before. I still have a long way to go so i will keep fighting and i hope you do the same we're in this war together nobody gets left behind !

 

[Deleted Account]

Thank you everyone for all of your replies. I have been improving a lot the last few weeks and i have almost killed the specific urges that used to trouble me before. I still have a long way to go so i will keep fighting and i hope you do the same we're in this war together nobody gets left behind !

Wow tell us your secret! How did you get rid of this despicable fetish??

 

[YetAnotherInternetUser]

Wow tell us your secret! How did you get rid of this despicable fetish??

Oh i'm far from being cured, but what i did is started working out and avoided being alone at all times, and at night i listen to music until i fall asleep. Also at night if you try and touch your phone, install a days counter app any app that just counts days and nothing more if you have an urge you open the app and look at the few days that you have passed and i had set 3 goals 30, 60, 90 and i always thought to myself if i even type anything in google porn related i'd had to start again. The biggest help was when I had to rebuild my way of thinking of how i see myself, my problem as stated above is me and the way i see me.

 

[Bob2132]

I don't think he intended self pity. You have to understand a problem in order to solve it. Just like how a smoker needs to know the underlying reason that he feels like he needs a cigarette. If you don't get rid of the underlying reason the problem won't go away. in our case that means that we need to focus on getting out self confidence back and try to get into healthy relationships.(granted not easy at all).

Sorry if I got mad at you, I'm working a night shift at work and it's almost 7 AM and I'm tired and moody.

Who is that in your avatar? Is that Maimonides?

 

[Deleted Account]

Who is that in your avatar? Is that Maimonides?

Why yes it is. Or more accurately it is a drawing based on a popular illustration of Maimonides, but we don't know if that is what he actually looked like.

 

[Bob2132]

Why yes it is. Or more accurately it is a drawing based on a popular illustration of Maimonides, but we don't know if that is what he actually looked like.

Cool. I have read some of his writings. Interesting person. Some of his writings on ethics can be helpful even beyond any religious significance.

 

[Deleted Account]

Cool. I have read some of his writings. Interesting person. Some of his writings on ethics can be helpful even beyond any religious significance.

A bonafide genius, and one of my biggest personal role models. What in particular did you like about his ethics?

 

[Creatus]

I believe that this particular porn product (and the related perversions and mental perturbations, like crossdressing) is founded upon low self-esteem and feeling unworthy of the love and attention of others.

Crossdressing is not necessarily related to porn and not necessarily unhealthy. Psychologist Carl Jung coined the term Anima and Animus (the feminine part in man or the masculine part in woman) and pointed out that crossdressing can be a way for men to explore and integrate their anima, once the anima is integrated the crossdressing naturally fades.

The issue with porn has to do with how it over-mentalizes and over-excites through hyper-focusing on taboo... Aka what is considered "wrong" or "perverted" has a funny way of grabbing us... Yet porn also puts us into a catatonic state... We are not living life, we are frozen in a mental fantasy that never comes into fruition and thus "tricks us" into living a life of imprisonment... So, watching crossdresser porn and exploring crossdressing itself can be on very very different dimensions. Porn conditions us to see femininity in a specific way that limits us and kills creativity. The purpose of a man exploring and integrating his own anima is just the opposite.

 

[Bob2132]

A bonafide genius, and one of my biggest personal role models. What in particular did you like about his ethics?

His ethics was very practical and based on forming good habits. Interesting he is your role model. I wonder why you look up to him so much. Certainly a very scholarly person.

 

[Deleted Account]

His ethics was very practical and based on forming good habits. Interesting he is your role model. I wonder why you look up to him so much. Certainly a very scholarly person.

Yes he was a very scholarly person, but more than that I admire that he was a master of multiple different fields. His scholarly work included theology, philosophy, medicine and even astronomy. His talents however were not solely academic. He was also one of the best doctor Egypt, taking care of princes and sultans, as well as being the most powerful political figure representing Jews in Egypt. Having the ability to enter numerous different and unrelated yet all important fields and to become the best in all of them is an amazing feat.