Escalation to point of no return

Discussion in 'Problematic Sexual Behavior' started by logan_wolf, May 10, 2020.

  1. logan_wolf

    logan_wolf Fapstronaut

    Hi so I’ve been addicted since I was 12. I’ve fooled myself so many times that I didn’t have a problem but every time it escalated to a new level I knew deep down something was wrong. My life continues to go into a downward spiral. Lack of motivation, depression ,stress failure I’ve been through all. After exhausting porn in my teens I started video chatting with random strangers. Normally girls would not be interested so I video chatted with guys and when it was over I always felt disgusted. As life went on I moved out from home and moved in with my gf. She is unaware of my problem and I do not want to tell her to hurt her.
    Eventually because I no longer live at home I started reaching out to strangers to have sexual encounters with. Each time I had no benefit and only helped the other person. I’ve had oral with two men, sex with a call girl and finally had anal sex with a guy. I hated it. I didn’t njoy it at all. It lasted 5 minutes. Afterwards I ended feeling so disgusted I ended up watching porn to get it off my mind. Why I’m I doing this? I want it to stop. My gf is so faithful and loyal and I can’t keep doing this she deserves better. I can’t tell her the truth because she will be very hurt. That’s why I want to fix it and make sure it never happens again. And then spend the rest of my life treating her the way the deserves and even more to make up for what I’ve done. I know they say truth will set u free but I want to fix this, fix me and do right by her without telling her. I will never forgive myself if I tell her and she is hurt. I just want to fix it please someone help me. I want to be a better person and stop this addiction.
    GatorB and +TenPercent like this.
  2. Jnuts

    Jnuts Fapstronaut

    I know how much it sucks to bare your soul in here and get no responses so even though I don’t know the answer I wanted to take a moment and let you know that I read it and I feel for you.

    I have been very fortunate that I have been able to be honest about everything with my wife. I have never gone so far as to act out so I understand that can be more complicated.

    You have to do what is best for you but I know when it comes to myself, lies eat me up more than anything in the world. If I were you I would tell her the truth. It may very well cost you the relationship but I couldn’t live with myself otherwise. Again that is just me though.

    I’m sorry I couldn’t be of more help. :(
    PeterNF.01 and +TenPercent like this.
  3. logan_wolf

    logan_wolf Fapstronaut

    Thank you for your response. I understand. But I rather keep the lie inside and let it eat me than tell her the truth and hurt her. I really believe if I set myself str8 and be the husband she needs then I’ll be happy. I did the sin and I accept the punishment of me regretting my entire life but I not going to have her deal with it just for me to feel better.
    +TenPercent likes this.
  4. recoome

    recoome Fapstronaut

    see a therapist or else you will continue to act on such behavior. you need to stay away from the triggers but no amount of will power will help you alone. use the will power to walk to a counselor.
    it can still escalate otherwise. you can get caught up in an orgy with men. get some std. can be video taped and end up being blackmailed. please visit a therapist and take help.
    Candun, +TenPercent and logan_wolf like this.
  5. Psalm27:1my light

    Psalm27:1my light Fapstronaut

    So much better that one day your girlfriend discovers you gave her an std and now she can’t have children. Because that’s what’s going to happen. Condoms aren’t 100% safe. You are not protecting her by keeping your lie, you’re protecting yourself. You have taken her right and choice away. If you really wanted to protect her, you could not bring yourself to cheat on her.
    PeterNF.01 likes this.
  6. logan_wolf

    logan_wolf Fapstronaut

    I understand. Thanks for your response
  7. mouton1998

    mouton1998 Fapstronaut

    IMHO you should tell her. She'll probably very hurt, it's true, but if she ever finds out on her own... it will be even worse.
    Speak to her; if she really loves you and she's faithful, sooner or later he's gonna figure out your problem and help you yo get out of it.
    PeterNF.01 likes this.
  8. PeterNF.01

    PeterNF.01 Fapstronaut


    Bro, This addiction has a way to make us think we're unworthy of our own forgiveness or the forgiveness of our loved ones. It's a complete lie!! That's just how it keeps us isolated so it can continue to grow! You're worth more than you think. Despite the mistakes you made. Some people did worse than that and received forgiveness. Don't let what u did continue to destroy you, because it will. Things can always get worse when it comes to addictions being kept a secret. Tell the truth to someone you trust/love. Tell it to your girlfriend before things get worse. You can do this! You can break free!!!
  9. greatchinaski

    greatchinaski Fapstronaut

    You don't have to tell her, but you have to tell someone. As someone suggested above, you can start with a counselor. There are many support groups that you can visit as well. Addiction lives in isolation. The opposite of addiction isn't just sobriety, it's connection.

    Also, the title of this post, "Escalation to point of no return," is worrying. There is always a point of return. I've also been addicted to p since the age of 12. I've also escalated beyond porn. Trust me, you can bounce back from anything. Everything can be forgiven. You have to make that call or write that email and reach out to a stranger. You have to make that choice. Don't be afraid to ask for help. Nobody else is going to do it for you. Take care

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