Escort challenge

Fantastic! That's good work.

Make no mistake. Sex with a sex worker is not the same as loving sex with a loving partner. They can't be compared.

As you have realised, this is avoidance. It's exactly the same as someone saying, "I've been feeling not valuable, but my mind wants to find it in heroin." Same thing.

You need to feel appreciated, admired, that you are important for you. Not for someone else. For you.

Concentrate on being the best man that you can be. Be the best employee in your work. Make your boss proud of you, and happy to have you around. Be the man who leads (which means to go first) by having a strong mind, firm ethics, a can-do attitude, stand straight, hold your head up, and look after your body and mind. Spend your spare time improving yourself, not wasting it on video games and especially not TV.

Figure out what your passion is, if you don't already know it. Follow your passion to the best of your ability. Chase your dreams!

When you do this, you will become appreciated, admired and important for you. That's sexy as hell. When you try to do these things for another person, you just come off as needy, which is unsexy.

As @kammaSati said, this is ridiculous. All you need to get attention from an escort is money. She will know how to press your buttons, make you feel wanted, but it's all just an act. The sex will be hollow, unreal, and not like sex between two loving partners.

Forget obsessing about being a virgin. So fucking what? That's not what defines a man. Chasing your dreams, being the best you can possibly be — that's what defines a man. Do that, and you will find that women start to look at you.

In the meantime, again as @kammaSati says, practice by just learning to speak to people. Not just women. Not just beautiful women. Not just people your age. Everyone. Old people especially can feel lonely, and welcome a friendly smile. When you stand at a bus stop, walk in the mall, visit a department store… just say "Hi" to people. Have you ever had the experience where you're walking along, and some stranger says "Hi" in a friendly manner to you? I'd be surprised if not. If makes you feel welcome. So, give the gift of your presence by just saying "Hi" to others. See it as a service that you give freely to others, a community gift. So many people are lonely and feel unattractive and unwanted: make them feel wanted!

Some will smile, some will reply, some will ignore you. Rarely (it's not happened to me yet), you'll get some dickhead who's had a bad day and will be rude to you; shrug your shoulders and ignore them. Their bad day is their problem, not yours.

If someone starts a conversation with you, keep it going, not by trying to think of things to say, but instead by asking questions. "What's up? — Where are you from? — How lovely the weather is! If you could wave a magic wand, where would be right now?" When the conversation starts to flag, say, "Hey, I've gotta run, but it was lovely talking to you. Have a wonderful day!" If you like her, say, "Hey, I've gotta run, but I'd like us to meet for a drink. When are you free next week?" If she gives you a date, make a date right on the spot. If she avoids the question, "Well, I don't know, blah blah", she's not interested, so just say, "No problem. See you later [even though you won't see her later]. Have a wonderful day!" and move on.

Don't worry about whether a woman has a boyfriend or not. That's none of your business. You don't avoid talking to a man in case he has a boyfriend or girlfriend, do you? Well, a woman wants to be treated as a human being, so treat her the same as a man. Friendly, respectful, and don't put her on a pedestal — she'll respect you for treating her as an equal.

When you overthink a thing, you get all in your head and can't be natural or responsive. Just relax, practice what I said, and you'll be fine.

That's a fascinating video. Of all the documentaries that I've seen or read, none of them is like that woman. She seems to keep it real and take a great pride in providing a meaningful service. Still, the lesson is that a man needs to find his way, as hard as it might be in today's world.

 

That lady sounds good. But

she seems nice and has a good motive.
But really you shouldn’t experience your first time with an escort. Most sex workers are not like her. And the few that may be, really, you don’t need that, just need to go out there and look in the right places because many of the escorts are on drugs and with a pimp or something like that.


Escorts do their job by acting a way to make you feel like something else. Acting and being are two completely different things. Being fake and being real are two different things.
Go out and say hey, meet a nice girl at church, being a virgin is fine. You have peace of mind you didn’t catch an std.

 

Thanks for yor replies, I've been feeling better, maybe writting this has helped me.
You're right acting is not the same as beeing, but I have to adjust my mind from the belief that I will feel good with an escort, I am in the way of that.
It is a good advice (to create conversations with people), despite I tend to be silent or quiet with unkown people, I enjoy to have this kind of conversations. But I am not going out to much because of quarantine.
I didn't want to say this (because I'd feel guilty) but It is how I feel, I believe in God, I am christian, and one of the reasons I am feeling better is that I am feeling again this connection with God. During like a month I've been feeling far from him. I know that I should leave this desire for sex or lust, because that is better (Jeremiah 29:11) but because this might be an addiction I will not rely just on that.
While I am waking up, the first thing I think or feel is this part of me that bring thoughts of beeing with an escort, and the feeling I have when I feel the attraction or compulsion to call an escort. But I am handling this desires, they are becoming less strong.

 

I know that I must learn to love and be in peace with myself but I think it is a hard/difficult thing to achieve, to feel fullfilled with myself.

 

I used to be just the same. Practice as I suggested, and especially learn how to ask questions by being genuinely interested in the other person. I made a point of assuming that everyone has a story or something else that I can learn from, which I can find only if I ask the right questions. Sometimes I literally say, "Everyone has a story. What's your story?" I am often surprised by the depth of the answers I receive.

Yes, that is a difficulty. Use the time to improve yourself. Read educational or inspiring books (or watch videos), and prepare for going back to work (if you're not already back), with the aim of being a better man coming out of quarantine than when you went in.

There's no guilt to feel. Say what you feel on this forum, to help you heal.

There's no "should" about it. If you try to force the desire away, it will fight back. The answer is not to blame yourself or to force the thoughts away. Instead, the answer is to replace the thoughts with something else, which brings up the next point…

If you want to wake up with thoughts other than escorts, know that right now you're using sex to avoid feeling your feelings and thereby dealing with your feelings. You said it yourself: "… this might be an addiction." How do you fix that? The way to fix it is in two ways.

1. Learn to deal with your feelings. When you feel bad, don't push the feelings away, but sit down and feel them. Become curious about your feelings: "How do I know I'm feeling this?" (The feelings are always somewhere in your body, for example they might be in your chest.) When you avoid or ignore the feelings, they keep coming back. When you look at your feelings and acknowledge them, and open your mind to receiving their message (you won't always get it, but that's OK), they can move on.
   
   
2. Your passion!
   • If you know what your passion is, work at it. Take baby steps first if you can't go for it right now, for example educating yourself about it, joining suitable forums, etc.
     
     
   • If you don't know your passion, experiment with many different activities until you find it. What do you like reading about? When you get bored and refuse to succumb to an addiction (like sex or video games), what do you start to think about? What makes you angry? What makes you excited? Do you love moving your body, e.g. dancing? Do you work well with your hands? Are you fascinated by social situations? What is it that gets you thinking or talking? Volunteer with a local or community charity to put yourself out there; you'll meet some amazing people. Experiment until you find your passion — or your passion finds you!

You feel fulfilled with yourself when you find your passion AND go for it, even if you have to take small steps at a time. Then you wake up in the morning, and instead of wasting your thoughts on sex, you feel excited about how you're going to move your passion forward today.

Good luck!

 

It is your decision how you deal with quarantine and you take responsability for yourself and others. There is absolutely no need to feel guilty imo when you decide to withdraw a bit from people. Better than going out and couging in their faces hehe.
We are wired to connect, get in touch, converse, communicate, see, being seen and heard. And to connect with god is surely a good thing. But he cannot take away your need for real touch, human love.
What helped me is to re-connect. Reconnect to my self. Not the ego. On a body level, sensations. Reconnect with my spiritual self, higher self.
All there is out there is pleasure. That can give you temporary satisfaction, the illusion to be complete. True fullfilment is inward. It's all in you.
But again, you are a young man. Evolution wants you to do your job. Put love first, and let sex be a nice side effect. Love your Self as it is, make peace with the current situation you are in. Love yourself despite the fact you are lonely, needy and tempted. Pray and meditate. Touch base with your body, mind and soul.

 

Beautiful, thank you

 

What is wrong with buying people?

 

Changed it to buying people. You can answer to that

 

Thanks for the tingler. I was editing WHILE you were replying. You are fast. And I contacted you to let you know. So please, no need to be bitchy.
There surely are some who are happy having sex with people they wouldn't normally have sex with, that's why they want money.
The thing here is not so much about the sex workers. The thing here is more on our side, the punter. If you are fine with laying ladies that wouldn't do it with you for free then fine, do it.
But some of us here have a serious addiction. And what we hope to get goes deeper than sex. It's more a question of validation, self-worth, being seen and heard, loved. Now, can you buy self-worth? Can you buy a self-determined life?

 

I'm just sharing my experience here. Hiring prostitutes was a positive thing for me. My therapist actually encouraged me to hire a prostitute because he thought it would be good for me mentally and it was. It might not be that way for everyone, but that was my experience. I didn't think I would find such hostility, mockery, and guilt-tripping from a support group.

 

Sorry, that's not sharing experience. That is sharing opinion. Which is fine. You made good experiences, then so shall it be. And I wonder who's the rude one? Anyway. Guess you need to provoque. Fine. Your therapist encouraged you to do so? Fine. So you payed the therapist and the hooker. Great.
Now, keep paying, I don't mind. Guess I can say we don't mind. Have fun and enjoy.

 

Unfortunately, @porkchop2, the vast majority of prostitutes are not in it for the sheer joy of serving. They don't do it out of a passion for that career. They do it out of need (mothers needing to feed their children; students needing to pay for their education; and so on), or, alas, women who have been indentured or trapped through drugs. Very, very few women do it for the joy of it. For me, this reason alone is enough to prevent me from getting involved in that profession.

I am pleased that you managed to get some help through a prostitute, but a good therapist would have sorted out your problem without resorting to one.

Again, for me, I also wouldn't use a prostitute because the whole fulfilling experience of meeting a woman building into a sexual and loving relationship is utterly different from the hollow interaction of sex-for-money. But that's just me, right?