Escort challenge

Discussion in 'Problematic Sexual Behavior' started by need4realchg, Nov 14, 2019.

Are you struggling with paid-sex?

  1. Yes— and I would join the challenge/group

  2. No, but I would like to join too

  3. Yes— but not interested in a challenge or a group

Results are only viewable after voting.
  1. WilBil99

    WilBil99 Fapstronaut

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    Count me in. Congratulations on the progress made in 2019 w much more to come in 2020 I’m sure! Glad your efforts have reduced stressors in your marriage. Having male friends is something I need to work on. I’ve got a few but none I’d reach out to if struggling or they are “work” friends. I’ve got to work on that but glad to see you’ve been successful. Happy New a year to you and all here fighting the good fight!
     
    need4realchg likes this.
  2. GA93JDeereboy

    GA93JDeereboy Fapstronaut

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    Happy new year!
    Well let me think here...

    I haven’t kept track maybe I seen about 10 escorts this year. 3 were repeats.
    Spent under $1500 probably. But spent so much time searching online.
    Crazy because I had to think hard to remember some of those women. I’ve lost track and it’s so weird because these are people I had sex with!!!!

    well I’m ready to do this thanks @need4reach for bringing this together.
    I would need a phone for the WhatsApp
    But I’m always here for PM messages as well. It would be cool to do a meetup.
    I’m in Georgia
     
    need4realchg likes this.
  3. Veritech

    Veritech Fapstronaut

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    Holiday time was bad for me.

    I have some time off work and I am bored to tears. I am missing the routine that has kept me away from escorts.

    I was alone with kids at friends and wife at work. I figured that my New Year resolution does not start officially until Wednesday; I can see my last escort ever on Tuesday. I truly hope she was the last escort ever.

    My New Years resolution has kicked in.

    I must have spent about $1,200 in 2019. My goal for 2020 is to spend $0.
     
  4. SadDad

    SadDad Fapstronaut

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    I have been visiting escorts frequently for the last 15 years whilst being married to the same woman, with whom I've had 3 children. Most days I spend hours on my phone looking at all the escorts in all the local towns, trying to find the perfect one.
    I, like you guys have spent 1000s on these women.
    I have also spend 1000s on therapy, although admittedly probably not as much as on escorts, trying desperately to kick the habit. I have come to the conclusion that's its nigh on impossible to break the habit. I blame smartphones to a large extent. They make it all so instantly accessible and easy to hide. In the olden days of flicking through contact magazines I would never have done it so openly in my own home as my family would see me doing it. But phones have facilitated and enabled the deception.
    My therapist suggested giving up my smart phone and going back to a brick. Problem is I also use it for work purposes and couldn't run my business without it.

    I don't see any easy solutions to these addictions - I'm also a porn addict btw.

    I'm sure sharing with you guys is a step in the right direction though
     
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  5. ElendilThePrince

    ElendilThePrince Fapstronaut

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    Im just excited that i've found this group. Have problems with massage girls and escort as well. It's good to be around people who understands this struggle.
     
  6. ElendilThePrince

    ElendilThePrince Fapstronaut

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    When i read this, i felt that... in a similar situation
     
  7. SadDad

    SadDad Fapstronaut

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    Elendil. Welcome. You're among friends here. Tell me, what is it about visiting the escorts / massage parlours that causes you the most anxiety? Is it because you are cheating on a partner, or is it financial, or is it something else? Does it go against your morals etc?

    For me it's a mixture of all 3 I would say. Although the biggest stressor is doing it behind my wife's back without her knowledge. Sometimes I hate myself for doing it and feel like just telling my wife all about it. It would relieve a whole load of guilt for sure but then it would shatter her world, along with my kids. So I just keep it all inside for the greater good.

    It's a real dilemma though and causes me a good deal of upset at times.

    Take care
     
  8. ElendilThePrince

    ElendilThePrince Fapstronaut

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    Thank you for the kind words, SadDad :) well im also in kind of a same situation. My partner doesn't know. It wasn't a lot of times (twince in a massageparlors and three times visited escorts in the last year and a half, wasn't even touching them just made them do things on their own: a live version of porn i guess) but it's just not controllable: the guilt, the itch for more... i lost control.
    As you said: telling the truth would shatter everything we've bulit so far. But going on with higher streaks without porn the pull is getting stronger. I know that everything has a deeper cause, and maybe my current depressed unbalanced state is not the ideal circumstance to start to build high streaks. I have to fix the deeper issues somehow, and i have to find out exactly why i feel the need to do these things/ the root of the addiction.
    It really is a nice feeling that people understand without judgement.
    Thank you for sharing you story, SadDad!
     
    need4realchg likes this.
  9. ElendilThePrince

    ElendilThePrince Fapstronaut

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    I was thinking about visiting the local SAA community recently. I'm an atheist so i could grasp on their approach to "higher power" but it might be helpful to talk thing through in person with a group, or just listening to other stories. Anybody had experience with them? Is it helpful?
     
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  10. GA93JDeereboy

    GA93JDeereboy Fapstronaut

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    I went to one, it’s good because your actually seeing people in real life and your meet people, get some phone numbers. They read from a white book called:
    Sexaholics Anonymous
    I’ve been reading it. Find out what your triggers are so you know what to look out for. What causes you stress? Think
    HALT:
    Hungry, Angry, Lonely, Tired
    Keep these in mind.

    Here is a good video:


    It’s a new decade guys, let’s beat this!
     
  11. SadDad

    SadDad Fapstronaut

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    It's a very, very difficult thing to do. Believe me I have tried and failed more times than I can count. The first few days is normally ok, but after that as you say the pull gets greater and greater.
    I have co addictions - alcohol and sex. I'm currently on an alcohol avoidance streak as I know theres no way I can do both at the same time. It's all about control and self discipline I think. I'll let you know how I get on - 7 days and counting so far!
     
  12. ElendilThePrince

    ElendilThePrince Fapstronaut

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    Anybody would be into being accountability partners? Seems like our PMO addiction developed a distinctive "overtone" and maybe we can releate to each other and we can talk more openly? I even feel ashamed sometimes in front of other "fapstronauts" as well... Im looking for a freindly face to walk down the yellow brick road with :) Let me know if you're intrested in being accountability partners.
     
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  13. Samadhi Pañña

    Samadhi Pañña Fapstronaut

    Escorts are a huge challenge for me, too. 2019 I cut dramatically cut visits down, but still hooked. Last visit was on Dec 12th. And now of course I feel the urge again. It's a vicious cycle. Yesterday was really bad. I was going nuts resisting. I managed. The good thing about yesterday's experience is that it became so clear that it's not only the actual visit that is addictive, it is more so the time before, the thinking about, the looking, search, endlessly scroll through profiles, making contact, here and there, then go.
    The going part is short. So ... I am determined to break that pattern, I am tired of being an addict. And I know ... if I go today then I will go again in the near future. It's a returning thing, it is my "drug" addiction. Gonna stop it.
     
  14. SadDad

    SadDad Fapstronaut

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    You have hit the nail completely on the head. The anticipation and build up and endless scrolling is probably more addictive than the physical experience itself. I find myself looking for the perfect woman - physically. The truth is though they look amazing in the pictures, but the vast majority of the time arent even the same girl as in the photos - so what was the point of the endless searching?
    I felt very positive at the start of the new year but today I went to an escort and feel like I have let myself down. Normally I would have drank today to numb the guilt, but because I am giving up alcohol for the month of January I have not succumbed. Dealing with the guilt sober
     
  15. need4realchg

    need4realchg Fapstronaut

    Love the posts , welcome @SadDad and @ElendilThePrince and @cBettyford .

    love the honesty of the group. Thanks guys I would love to hear more.

    I have attended several SA groups they were good but my travel made it tough to become consistent. On the other hand, nofap gives me 24x7 access and that helped a lot when i first tried kicking the porn addiction.

    i know the feeling of anticipation, and craving it for days waiting for the perfect moment.

    IMO the guilt of betraying your partner is not a good enough reason to abstain.


    let’s be honest —-that doesn’t even work for porn addiction. So assuming “no one will find out”—the shame of a partner’s fury or disappointment would not stop a sex addict for very long.

    In my last SA meeting the leader asked this question:

    “How many grapes would you eat in a store without paying for it ? 1? 10? 20?

    Someone said 5 grapes , whose value is .25 cents.

    But then he says: so you are willing to cheat your integrity for a mere .25 cents.?? Classic , man.

    dang.

    Some days I’m not sure how to stay sober ; there’s a whole planning element to my acting out behavior.

    i try to be honest about where my heart is here, and I have been craving a particular kind of woman for a while. I think I just bury it and then dig it up when I am bored and let my thoughts go. In my case it’s been almost 3 months that I have had this “type” in my mind.

    i will refrain from describing it in detail so as to prevent anyone from failing , but whenever I see a person that matches this it’s like a bookmark on my mind goes off reminding me I have a commitment to myself —an evil one, to “check” this phenotype off my list.

    i feel like if I don’t, I will never get over not having it. I don’t let it go I suppose.

    anyone else have that?
     
    Last edited: Jan 7, 2020
    Samadhi Pañña likes this.
  16. need4realchg

    need4realchg Fapstronaut

    Yes it is good to share.

    may be easier said than done but know it’s possible. The key is in our mind (not our brains).

    i thought leaving porn was Impossible. I gave up many times and learned to live with it like a handicap. I didn’t hide that I used it, my wife knew and I believed it was impossible to stop. Well it WAS impossible to stop—-by myself.

    If using porn was a job I would be getting a pension right now. I’m 38, but was ensnared for 25 years.

    I am determined to apply the power of accountability like a voltron , to become 10x stronger and defeat this onside and outside.
     
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  17. Samadhi Pañña

    Samadhi Pañña Fapstronaut

    Yeah! For me it‘s a certain type as well. As soon as I spot one I get into some kind of gazing freeze. For me the fantasizing is one thing what is by far more accute is the projecting. All the stuff I project into that person, they are never capable of delivering. Never. And reducing them to sexual object, genitals, I see all the practices in my mind. All projecting on the canvas of my mind. A tracigsadcomic movie, producing season after season. Drugs, alcohol played a big part in it, too.
    Therefore I quit the drugs, quit the booze. That helped already a lot.
    I am slowly getting to the motive behind it all. The acting out is just the effect of a cause that lays much deeper, a hidden agenda. For me porn was just an appetizer or substitute when nothing else was possible. I was more looking to connect, just be, belong, in a way to feel being taken care of, the need to be protected.
    Now, I know I can never ever get that there. And connection changed to re-connection to my self, stay in touch with my sensations, feelings, thoughts. Reminding myself of the projection, getting it clear in my mind, in my thinking. When I see such a type, anchor me within my self, get myself back in „home“. Focus on breathing, meditate, avoiding stress, I am determined to break that false belief, to wake up of that trance, see it as it is.
    Of course they are kind, nice, polite, kinky whatever. When I go to a store to buy clothes the people who sell there are usually kind and polite, too. That‘s not because of me as me. That‘s because I am a customer. Service provider customer.
    And seldom I really got what I was imagining to get. Why? Because what I was really looking for, they can not give. It‘s a false belief to think one day or next time ... and if, then what? Another next time? And then? Another next time? It‘s a never ending production of season after season after season after season.
    I know if I go and pay again today I will do so soon again. It‘s not ending by a miracle, it‘s not ending by itself. I have to stop. Go through withdrawal like junky. My siblings were heroin addicts, mother an alcoholic. Sex is my drug. Self medication. That‘s why no escort can ever save me. Go through withdrawal, now.
    Attending SLAA meetings f2f and online, I‘m here on NF. I am in accountability and have recovery partners, and a sponsor.

    Thanks for having started that thread @need4realchg, thanks @SadDad for sharing, thank you all for your sharing and inputs.
     
  18. need4realchg

    need4realchg Fapstronaut

    Love the description “never ending production” or season gosh that fits me too.

    i was able resist porn by identifying the same script is used over and over. Then making fun of it.

    Doing that helped me see past the lie that new porn is novel or new. Maybe we can see the same thing here.
    It’s just so much harder because these idols can talk and relate. Makes each a little different.

    I have all the same things but feel you make a huge point about identity. I have loved some of the guy’s thoughts here in nofap who describe sex is often used to define or find our identity. We use the experience to uncover stuff about ourselves and each other.

    I had an experience where a colleague and I went to the brothel together. He went with his chick and I with mine, not together.

    But the first time i went out I was shocked and vowed never to fall that low. The next time 3 years later) I was binging in the same places Having 3 a day for the whole week.

    It’s like my senses are useless in certain situations. I’m debating what to think and do. Sometimes if I’m honest to the core, I don’t know if I want to quit badly enough. I just numb myself and try to push. Sometimes I just say #%* it and push the red button.
    I’m hoping I will share here when I get close to that. Thanks for sharing man.
     
    WilBil99 likes this.
  19. ElendilThePrince

    ElendilThePrince Fapstronaut

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    Damn your shared stories are so insightful and deep. They really helps me.
    Altough i only developed escort addiction after starting to jump into NoFap, i feel i had sex addiction for years and thinking back NoFap really just shed a light on that: it uncovered the raw craving not just for sensual satisfaction but for the endless appatite to fill that void that you were talking about. I wasn't aware what was going on and sliped into the escort loop while being on NoFap.
    I always looked at sex as something that validates me. I even made a list about the partners i have slept with earlier. And i couldn't stop it even after i got into a serious relationship. Or maybe it wasn't about validation, just a lack of self-love or straight self-spite (that works in me deep down like a background program)
    But you guys right, it is not enough to stop it because you are in a commited relationship. You have to look into yourself, and that is a damn frightening thing to do sometimes. "What's goin on with me? Why i feel this way? What are my patterns? Where are they coming from?" Not easy questions, and we don't always want to know the answers to them. At least i don't. I'm not always ready for those answers.
    But being here helps. For 3 days now since i found this group i feel there is hope. There are people outthere who are struggling like me with things that are similar. I'm not alone.. Thank you for sharing your stories guys :)
     
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  20. Samadhi Pañña

    Samadhi Pañña Fapstronaut

    I‘m pretty sure you will not be the only atheist there. In my group here its mixed and all are understanding one another when it comes to god or higher power.
    It‘s not about „god“ anyway, it‘s about coming to see there is something more powerful than me and my conditioned I, my ego, that which created the problem in the first place then tries to solve it over and over again while recreating. The solving re/creating loop.
    Like you set your house on fire then extinguish the fire all on your own. You set it on fire again and try to extinguish it alone. After a few times its time to go and get help. Not to help you extinguish BUT rather to not set it on fire again.
    The group in itself can be a higher power, the community here is a higher power, spiritual and practical.
    There are laws of nature like gravity or impermanence, cause and effect ... nature is bigger than me.
    For me higher Power is where the me is not, the unconditioned part of my being, where thoughts are not. It‘s quiet, it‘s listening only, hearing, seeing me doing.
    „You are not the voices in your head, You are the one who hears them“, is a quote out of The untethered Soul by M. Singer. Love that. Or „ When your personality fully comes to serve the energy of its soul, thats authentic power“, by Gary Zukav, a (ex) sex addict himself.
    Go and have a look, go at least 5,6 times then decide. No one will force you to stay. Most of them/us there have been in that place.
     
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