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Discussion in 'Problematic Sexual Behavior' started by need4realchg, Nov 14, 2019.
I love my wife but I really like banging hookers. I think that sums it up.
Just chekin in. Today was my first SAA meeting attendence. At it was absolutley uplifting. Just the fact that i could share a little of myself and what i'm struggling with and also hear deep, intimate shares of the others... it was a moment where we were all connected. I knew what they're talking about and they understood me in the way i want to be understood. It was like the friends i have never met. I'm still a bit astonished by the experience.
After relapsing last week i was also very beaten. After i finally called that escort who's my favourite, i knew i lost control and high on the drive again. We did not fix any particular date just chatted about how she bail town but very close. Currently i don't have the financial muscle to pull a stunt like that with travel there and back and paying for her so i didn't. I just wanted to relieve. To get a minute of peace. So it wasn't an escort or a parlor just regular, old PMO-ing. I felt that i let the worst part of me came to the wheels and drive the turck straight into the damn kanyon. Was in a two days binge. Got over it eventually.
I feel that getting myself back together is easier said than done. But i'm here. Fighting the good fight. Pushing one day at a time.
Hope you guys having a great day on this planet
Look into the SA phone meetings, but the white book SA members read from. Anyways I was looking at some videos today and found this guy who sounds really good. Maybe helpful.
Congratulations for going to the meeting. And glad it was such a good experience for you, also great insights you gaining from going back to old behavior and realizing ... nah ... not really fulfilling.
Without the community here, the f2f meetings in CoDA and SLAA I would still be in the gutter. In December I found out about online SLAA meetings, irc chat, 3 times a day, I started attending meeting there, too. Stay strong man.
I’m going to try and get on the 330pm SA call today. Have tried calling in to others in past but never connected. This is web based so I’m more hopeful. Thanks for the links @GA93JDeereboy
There are online SLAA chat meetings, too.
Made me smile
Well, today just seems a bit harder for me. Some of these thoughts are bugging me. Kinda making me want to act out but i've done it so many times and my goals are to see
0 escorts this year.
I had a thought about one i seen before. Just kinda f'd up bc when I would see them i'm all nervous as f , because it's like you know better, the whole time, you know better,
while your driving to where ever, or if she is coming to your place. Then your super nervous about the meeting, then the act.
It's so unnatural.
On a positive note a few week ago i went out. I asked out 4 different chicks!
Working my way up!
Temptations around today, too. Rather than indulging in content of how when with whom and imagining all sorts of scenarios and the momentum would increase steadily eventually the pull becoming too overwhelming to resist I keep reminding myself of one simple fact:
It‘s an addiction. I am addicted. It’s not lust or pleasure or naughty kinky stuff. Being hooked is being trapped, it’s not about free expression. Do I want sex? Yes. Do I want more? Yes. Do I want it all the time? Yes. Do I like being trapped? No. Enslaved to some compulsive behavior I cannot control? No. Do I want to be an addict? NO. Then don‘t touch that hot stove AGAIN. Not today. Tomorrow? We‘ll see. I promise to myself (and maybe AP) I will stay clean and sober TODAY.
What helps, too is thinking of the many times I paid and left early cause it was boring or not what I got promised, realizing that I got cheated and exploited and that it‘s all not worth it cause the best time ever I cannot beat unless I am willing to get lost again. And as an addict I am constantly on the outlook of the more, the better, ecstasy, the ultimate kick. Less won‘t do. More is the new less. Gimme gimme gimme gimme, give it to me babe! NOW. F*ck the brain out of me!!!
But ... there ain‘t no babe out there that can gimme what I really long for. It‘ll leave me back in the gutter even hungrier. HUNGER! Stuff that hole babe! No, you can‘t. No one can. Why? It‘s not out there. It‘s inside.
Also a tip is to remember how it felt when you had seen an escort before?
How did you feel after? Me, most of the time pretty bad,
Let’s just say she was nice, she was easy going, and polite and let you go to town.
People like that, you would think they would make a lot of money, few do, I wonder how most are struggling to make ends meet. Drugs, probation, bad environments.
But in the end of it all you can’t deny you paid for it. And then again maybe you think she is your friend. Well do you have to give your friends money to hang out with them? Giving too many gifts is signs your a weak man. Being desperate.
One issue I had with a girl I knew and it f’d up the relationship. Me giving her money and it turned the relationship backwards.
It’s nice to know I’m not the only one that has left early. Feeling absolutely sick and disgusted with myself I have just walked out. Other times, not getting what I want and again walking out. Sort of feeling pride and power with the ability to walk out because I wasn’t getting what I wanted and throwing some money at them before going to the next place. But never feeling complete and constantly seeking that next best feeling. It has taken years, but identifying that the feeling I’m seeking is inside, as you mentioned, has been such an eye opening experience. Obviously, the cravings still show up, but they don’t have the power they once did. I may go back once a month or once every couple months, but that is a strong step in the right direction considering at one time it was at least once a week and sometimes 3 or 4 times.
Before going to the next place, exactly, looking for that next best feeling. Probably once a month or every couple months is ok, for me right now I might fall back into the old pattern, thus need to stay away longer. It‘s about progress, not perfection.
I’m working towards not going ever again. The big difference I’ve learned is I don’t kick my own ass for the next week after acting out. A year ago I was sober for about a month and then ended up going back one day. No middle ground PMO or anything, just went all in. I hated myself so much for it and ended up just continuing the cycle and justifying it. I went to an AMP about 3 weeks ago now and that was the first time in 40+ days. The big difference this time though was the different mindset. Okay something was wrong and I felt I needed to feel better so much so that I went to an AMP after 40 days sobriety. Roger that, pick up the pieces and let’s make it a longer streak this time! But your spot on, progress not perfection.
A good book by Gary Wilson called Your Brain On Porn
i'm reading it through audible app, helps you understand. Just imagine what goes on in your brain when you act out. How fast of a reaction is going on inside as opposed to
what should be going on? Like a 0-150mph in such a short amount of time. I don't want to know how hard it is compared to chemical drugs but
this is the new drug, it said in the book, cave men didn't jerk off to stick figures on a cave wall or something, they didn't have what we have now with tube video streaming.
It gets worse the more bc you need the next fix to get you off.
Let's knock this thing off!
That's exactly what addiction to porn feels like. Or addiction to recreational drugs. Or addiction to video games.
I think that any addict will identify with what you said.
Hi everyone! I’m new in the forum. Not in NoFap world, though. I started in 2013 and since then was clear to me how I dealt with my problems using porn and masturbation.
After my last breakup in 2018 I began with NoFap again, and after 90 days and a failed date attempt, I went with a hooker. After that has been non stop. I haven’t been able to be sober for more than 25 days. I really can’t count the times that I’ve used or the money I’ve spent.
Today I started to read the green book of Sex Anonymous Addicts and I’m committed to complete the 12 steps program. I’ve checked online support groups but I don’t think I’m going to join those for now, that’s why I’m here.
I’ve admitted my problem to my therapist whom I’ve been seeing for around 8 months. But even if he was very helpful at the beginning with other issues I don’t think he can help me here.
Day 1 sober, let’s go for day 2. I’m also with no Porn, for now I’m not going to restrict fap without porn, I want to recover some healthy self relationship with myself after all these self destructive months.
Welcome man. You will find both addictions are beatable.
i honestly didn’t realize that giving myself grace was so important but it has changed my results so dramatically I advocate it all over the place.
by “grace” I mean to replace self loathing with a “can do” attitude. And of course it’s harder than it sounds. In my personal case the more religious I think I am —-the harder I am on myself —-which is a dangerous spiral. So easing up from the “thou shalls and shants” Proved to be a way of making my burden lighter.
stay engaged here too. Get in as many groups as you need. For me, one was never enough. we gonna get there. !
Hi and welcome, read your message (obviously hehe), and can relate besides reading about time and money ... with the Steps. I am attending f2f meetings since July 19 and attending online meeting since December 19. Working through the Steps with a Sponsor. Currently at Step 3. I find it very helpful in addition with the forum community here. Hope it‘ll help you too in your process of recovery. A power greater than me can be the spirit of a group such as this one is. Good luck man, stick to sobriety. Let‘s get off the hooker‘s hook.
Thanks guys, I appreciate it.
Today some unexpected money got on my hands and I had to fight the instant thoughts of how you know I would spend it. This weekend I’m traveling for business and is going to be a hard one.
You will find your desires are in your emotional state. Face them. Write them. Share them