Espi1971 Goals

137 days hardmode

Finally feeling like I'm past my cold.

I was out of the gym for 9 days, which is a really long time for me. I got back to training last night: pushups-reverse crunches-jumpropes-deadlifts-farmer's carries.

I'm already feeling sore this morning and I'm loving it. The muscle soreness is a reminder of Spartan effort...of the Spartan way of life.

I recently switched to evening workouts, and last night, after work, I REALLY wanted to just go home and binge-watch TV. I trained instead. And I plan on doing the same exact thing tonight.

Exercise and good nutrition are keeping me healthy and balanced, and I feel like it is one of the few areas in which I'm succeeding. I'm 49 years old but I train intensely. I want to be lean and ripped at 50. I'm not quite there yet, and I likely never will be, but my effort is paying off, and I'm doing it despite the stress and despite the fatigue.

I'm nearly 2 weeks now without alprazolam, and I slept like a baby last night. I was asleep by 930 PM and I awoke at 530, feeling refreshed and alert. I actually I had a really nice dream, too. Usually my dreams are disturbing or eccentric. This one was peaceful.

Things will be changing soon at my job. I'll be moving to another office. New manager, new colleagues.

The maintenance dept. is actually moving my entire desk, and I'll sitting next to people with whom I've never worked. This is very uncomfortable for me. I don't like change, and to be perfectly blunt, I don't like many of my colleagues, either.

I've worked at the same company for 5 years now, and there are many colleagues to whom I've never spoken on a personal level. I've never went out of my way to be rude or condescending, but I can be a bit arrogant and aloof. My mantra has always been, "I'm there to make money, not friends."

Thus, at work, I've developed zero friendships, have declined nearly all financial contributions toward managers' birthdays, and I almost always refuse to eat colleagues' home-made meals, or their donuts, or their birthday cakes, etc., and I generally refuse to engage in small talk. I simply like to focus on doing my job and keeping my distance from my colleagues. There are very few people who I respect there: the top performers. I am open to advice from them, but if I don't regard a colleague as a top performer, then I have no interest in taking advice from him, and I will tell him that.

I view this move as an opportunity to prove to myself that I can focus on my job and take things to an even higher level. I don't have to be liked by everybody in order to succeed. I'm never going to the most liked or popular person there, but as long as I'm hard-working, polite and respectful, I have nothing to worry about.

Despite a miserable start to this year, I actually still have a decent shot of exceeding my quarterly quota, and this is all I need to worry about. From now until March 27, I need to focus on the goal of exceeding my quota. Forget about being accepted by others.

So bring on the challenge!

 

Keeping track of workout cycle.

So far over the past 3 weeks I did

Squats
Back
Chest
Shoulders
Outdoors at park
Back (Deads)

Training schedule this week:

Tues chest & tris

Weds back and/or strictly intense cardio

Thurs shoulders and/or strictly intense cardio

Fri or Sat squats & pullups (not too hard; I want to be refreshed for weekend date(s)). Good day to do these as the gym likely will be empty

Sat possible off day or outdoors in the park

Sunday off

 

138 days hardmode

I feel like I am in the midst of depression, anger, loneliness, and resentment. Starting to again feel cold, negative thoughts.

Seems like I'm barely hanging onto my job. I fantasize about quitting, only to realize that I am just 2-3 months from running out of food and money. And that realization depresses me. I feel enslaved to a company that I currently despise.

I feel abandoned by certain people at work, and there's nobody to talk to about it. My manager used to be a person I highly regarded. Now I feel like he's traded on me. Abandoned me.

I ignore half of my colleagues. I feel like I hate them. I feel like they want to see me get fired. Their ignoring me and acting like I don't exist stings me to the core. I'm good at acting like I could care less, but I do care, and I feel like all of the negativity and mind games are turning into an avalanche, waiting to bury me. I sit very near a colleague who looks and sounds like death warmed over. Coughs incessantly. The years of this job, I suspect, have taken their toll on her mind and body, and that disturbs me. That could be me in another 10 years. Or 5 years. Or 2 years.

I used to respect many of the long-term colleagues at this company, but now I realize that many of them are desparate corporate slaves, overweight, stressed, coldhearted, jaded, devoid of happiness. I see myself becoming like them, and that frightens me.

I miss my ex-wife lately. I feel like I could really use her advice and wisdom and companionship now. I feel like she would know exactly what to say to help me make it through my workplace struggles. She always had a kind word...the best advice, to help me make it through. I've always struggled getting along with people, and she helped me deal with that. Also, I miss the comfort of our old lifestyle. I never had to worry about paying bills. And that made going to work much more tolerable. Made me feel superior to my colleagues. Made me feel like I didn't need them. Or their stinking mediocre lives. I drove a BMW. Everybody else drove Fords and Hondas.

I still drive a BMW, but now I can't clear the check engine light, so driving a Ford or a Honda with no mechanical issues seems much more preferable now.

My gut tells me that I'll be out of a job soon, and I'm not sure that I'll have what it takes to bounce back. And I'm also not sure that I would want to bounce back. So sick and tired of fucking struggling.

 

139 days hardmode

I suspect that what contributes to my depression and resentment is pedestalizing others. I look to people for inspiration and guidance. I build them up as "mentors," but inevitably, they fail or dissapoint me. Then I feel angry and resentful toward them, and oftentimes I'll ignore them for life.

It's good for me to realize this. It helps me to focus on prioritizing inner strength over external validation. I've always looked to someone or something outside of myself to make me feel worthy.

 

Trained last night with intensity and focus:

Pushups (100)

5 sets chest tri-set:
DB bench press
Skullcrushers
Pushups

Jumpropes (1000)...starting to get really good at this. Been doing them for years. Starting to do them with extreme speed and alternate-foot coordination. I also interspersed these with pushups, TRX pushups, and a few pullups. Lots of sweat and I was breathing very hard. Pushed myself hard. Loved it. Already feeling sore this morning.

 

140 days hardmode

Date 2 tonight with K-Girl (from entry on 3/1/20). It's possible that she could be the one to eventually end my streak. She texts me every day, she is always available to talk, and overall she just seems to be interested in me.

She makes me feel wanted, and she makes me feel like she cares. She is the only woman about whom I've felt this way in a long time. She feels like potential girlfriend material.

I feel like I can easily be up front and 100% honest with her.

She is not the best-looking woman I've ever dated ("7" at best). She is a bit thick and overweight, but I sensed some heavy physical chemistry on our date last Sunday, and I've seen photos of her dressed up, and she definitely has some serious curves in all the right places.

She kino'd the hell out of me while we were having drinks, which suprised me because she has a very reserved disposition. And I liked the way she touched me.

Sometimes when I kiss a woman I just feel like I know that there is physical chemistry, and I feel that way about her. Hers was the best kiss I've had since I started dating last month. And I'm looking forward to some more nice kisses tonight.

But I've built up an emotional guard toward the experience of dating. I'm at the point now where I really don't care if I get a GF or not. And I'm not trying to get sex either. My abstention is one thing I have going for me, and the longer I abstain, and the closer I feel toward getting sex, the more discerning and cautious I feel about having sex. I'm not just going to throw my streak away to the first available girl. Whoever has sex with me will be one lucky girl. I haven't released in nearly 5 months. So I'm going to be picky.

Anyway, she's meeting me tonight at 8 for dinner. No pressure or compulsion on my part to make sex happen. Just a low-key Fridsy night dinner at a cheap Mexican restaurant.

Feels like I'm doing it the right way.

 

Trained last night:

Pushups (100)

Back quadruple supersets, 4 sets:

DB bench bentover lateral raises
Machine cable rows
Pulldowns
Shrugs

Jumpropes (1000)
Pushups

Great intensity. Lots of sweat. My shirt was soaked. Killing it on the jumpropes. Loving the jumpropes and pushups combination. Makes me feel superfit and conditioned.

I've been getting away from reverse crunches. On the next workout I'll add them back in.

Also noticing that my midsection is losing leanness and definition. I'm eating eating clean but I'm eating more. In order to get the six pack I will eat less. I get the best results when my fridge and pantry are empty. When I eat sparingly.

 

So far this week have trained 3xs:

Mon deads and farmer's carries and cardio
Weds chest and tris and cardio
Thurs back and cardio

I am as usual delaying leg day. I will do squats and pullups and cardio on SAT. I will embrace the struggle. The gym will likely be empty and the weather a bit cold. No excuses.

To be a champion one must do the things that others will not.

 

141 days hardmode

K-girl, out.

This is probably the worst depression and isolation I've felt in awhile. I took 2 5 mg. Valium tablets last night. Still feeling groggy.

I feel like I don't care about anything or anyone.

I secretly hope that the CV spreads and I become afflicted and die.

I just want lay in bed all day and watch youtube videos.

I am thinking about my past life, the pleasure and thrill of smoking weed and chasing women and/or watching porn. I am recalling, with fond rememberances, past sexual experiences. I miss those women. I miss being high. I miss...escaping. I miss ejaculating. Edging.

I feel like I am a bored, empty shell of a person.

I feel like I am alone, isolated on a vast planet.

I am tempted to call or text my ex-wife, because I am desparate for companionship, desparate to escape the loneliness and anxiety and depression. Desparate to escape the nothingness, the lack of purpose and meaning of life. But even my ex-wife seems to want nothing to do with me now.

I am faced with loneliness, and I'm not sure I can ever be happy again. Especially while sober and dealing with reality.

 

Feeling very tempted now to indulge in the following:

Contact my former marijuana dealer, smoke some weed, and escape reality and boredom and anxiety, and pursue women for sexual pleasure. This is NOT a good idea because pot is a huge sexual trigger for me. A few tokes and I know I will start fantasizing, and then I will do M. And then I will do P. The lure of getting high and fantasizing about women is very strong now. I crave this. But I have to believe that it's a short-term fix. Why did I quit weed to begin with? Also, you may lose your job, and having THC in your system could cost you a job.

Inject tesosterone cypionate. I feel like it will take my physique to the next level. I feel like my mid-section is getting soft. I want to be super muscular and lean and wear my tight sleeve polos and smoke weed and chase women. This is NOT a good idea because I'm committed to living a drug-free life, and I am determined to get a six-pack without the use of drugs. I've done it before and I'm doing it again.

Action Item: I'm going to get out of bed and try to get shit dome today: try to fix my garbage disposal; try to fix my dishwasher; get my taxes done; watch a movie or two; explore job opportunities; support fellow members on nofap.com; go to the gym; go for a bike ride; watch youtube videos on the sofa rather than in bed; indulge in a reward meal; research clearing my check engine light.

 

11:45 AM finally got out of bed. Made my bed and straightened up my bedroom.

Now onto the living room. Turned on my TV. Now I am going to work on my garbage disposal and try to get it running again. If I do not succeed it's OK; I'll generate a maintenance request. No biggie maybe I will learn a thing or two.

 

142 days hardmode

Giving myself kudos: I got off my ass today and accomplished my goal, and my depression and anger melted away. I got the garbage disposal up and running. Thank you youtube! I also submitted a maintenance request for the dishwasher, bathroom nozzle, and patio door lock.

Tomorrow I will accomplish 2 goals:
1. Train legs and back (squats and pullups)
2. Get my taxes done

 

Goal: Stop taking testosterone (for life).

Status 3/7/2020: At approximately 11 PM EST tonight I injected 200 mg. testosterone cypionate, and I will continue injecting 200 mg. once per week until I run out. I'm guessing I have enough to last another month to six weeks.

I'm actually looking forward to leveraging this to my advantage: leaner eating, i.e. less calories, clean calories, minimum alcohol, intense & frequent training. I'm primed for my best results since 2014. I want to be shredded and muscular by May 7th 2020. I want a six-pack for summer.

I may have compromised my goal, but I chooe to see this as leading to another oppty. Women are a strong motivating factor for my re-injecting. At the risk of sounding arrogant: whichever woman gets sex with me is going to be a lucky girl. My potential sex drive could be off the charts, what with my abstaining and now increasing my testosterone.

 

Trained outdoors this afternoon at my favorite neighborhood park.

Rode my mountainbike 3 or so miles then trained as follows:

5-part giant sets, minimal rest between exercises and sets. I call it the Lungburner workout.

I repeated the following workout 4xs:

Exercise 1: Run full length of the basketball court 5 times per set
--I timed myself and averaged 1 minute 25 seconds per set.
--Felt totally winded doing these and I wasn't even sprinting. I ran pretty hard though.
--This is now my favorite part of my outdoor workout and I can easily see myself evolving this pure running exercise to include better finish times/more reps. Also, I can start dribbling the basketball up and down the court for layups at either end. Good stuff here: basic and brutal. Love it!

Exercise 2: Beneath-the-rim putbacks
--Felt like significant progress today. I wasn't as clumsy and awkward, and I wasn't as winded, either, but it's still basic and brutal and demanding. But I'll keep doing these putbacks, and I'm confident that I'll keep getting better every time. I often reverted to my left hook shot today. It's a killer shot that I used to practice often, and I still have a nice touch. I can easily see myself scoring points inside the paint via my hook shot in an actual pickup game. Just gotta keep practicing.

Exercise 3: Pushups
--Did 250 total: 100 set 1, and 50 reps on sets 2, 3, and 4.
--Did OK. Not my best but at least I did 250.

Exercise 4: Jumpropes
--Did 1000 total, 250 reps per set over 4 sets.

Exercise 5: Reverse crunches
--Did 200 total, 50 reps per set over 4 sets.
--Form is improving. I'm starting to hit the burn more often.

This workout was very physically demanding and lasted 2 hours. I give myself kudos. I felt like ending it after 3 sets but I followed through to the end and gave it a solid effort. I am becoming quite fond of this little park and of this workout. There's something so postitive and enriching about training outdoors in the warm Florida sun.

Can't wait to do it again.

And there'a bonus: I scored a workout date with a really fit chick at this park next SAT at 10 am. She's even bringing a jumprope. Midsection on this woman is sick-toned. Six pack. Should be good...assuming she doesn't cancel of course

 

143 days hardmode

Going to pack my gym clothes today but right now I'm feeling tired. One thing I know about training: fatigue is fleeting. I'm tired now, but I may indeed feel. ike hitting the gym this evening, and I will admit that taking testosterone helps motivate me to hit the gym harder and more frequently. Maybe I'll end up doing cardio only. If I do weights, it'll be shoulders, and I'll need to be good about working around other people, since the gym tends to be crowded on Mondsys. Good opportunity to interact.

I'm feeling exhausted and low/depressed about going into work. I guess most people aren't fond of Monday mornings, but I'm not like most people, and I don't want to be like most people, either.

But I notice that my depression is most acute in the morning, in the minutes leading up to work.

One good sale is all it takes, though, and I'm due for one. Until I get a nice sale, though, I'll just focus on doing my job. It's not easy right now, but at least I have a job. I choose gratitude.

 

I read recently that it's good to start each day with 3 things to be grateful for, so I'm going to list 3 things every day, in the morning before I start work, and they're going to be different and unique every day. No repeats

Three things I am grateful for today:
1. I am expecting a tax refund

2. I am blessed with good health (I successfully battled a cold; I haven't ordered any prescription drugs since NOV 2019).

3. I live less than 3 miles from my job (no traffic headaches; save $$ on gas; low miles on my car)

 

144 days hardmode

Dating hopper is mad-crazy. I'm not even going to detail all the women. It would take awhile but mainly I'm tired of devoting my journal to women. When the right one comes along I'll document it. For now, though, I have an abundance of connections. I have never felt this attractive before. 3 dates already set up between WEDS and Saturday, and there could easily be more dates forthcoming soon. One woman is actually begging me to give her a chance. WTF?

 

Trained this evening:

Shoulders, quadruple set, 4 sets:
Pushups
OH DB press
Side lat raises
Upright rows

Jumpropes (400)
Pushups (100)

Intense. Sweaty. I'm looking lean and muscular but I want a leaner, more defined midsection.

I chose again to skip crunches. I need to keep doing them.

Overall though another fantastic workout.

 

Three things I'm grateful for:
1. I'm excited about sharing life with a beautiful woman.

2. I'm looking forward to the challenge of moving to an apartment that is cheaper, one which will continue improving my finances.

3. I've worked at the same company for 5 years and have proven to myself that I am persistent.

 

Gonna pack my gym clothes for another gym day. Deadlifts/farmer's carries, but I might just check out the Smith machine for squats and pullups.

And of course I can always do front squats and pullups in the less crowded area of the gym. Or goblet squats.