Espi1971 Goals

Didn't train this evening.

Next 4 days (Weds., Thurs., Fri, Sat.) I have a date scheduled each night, for a total of 5 different woman (2 women on Saturday).

I think I have to do this until I get it out of my system. I have to get to the point where dating is no longer exciting or worth the trouble and expense.

Really craving weed now. Several times today I felt like I had decided to ask my (former?) pot dealer to deliver a bag of weed. What's stopping me is ending my PMO streak, feeling anxious/paranoid when out on dates, and knowing that it would be much harder to find another job if I'm drug tested.

And, I don't like the secrecy involved with smoking weed. It's something I don't like to share with people. I smoke alone because I like to fantasize about women and sex when I smoke weed. I don't do it to be social. And I feel like my chances of watching Porn will increase tenfold if I choose to smoke weed.

I feel like I'm going to slip and end up smoking weed soon. Life feels boring and pointless without it. It's tough not having any vices to indulge. Dating without weed feels like drinking beer without any alcohol in it.

I hope I can resist. But I am very tempted now.

And I know that once I smoke weed my sexual urge will intensify 10 fold. I'll either smoke weed and obsessively try to get laid, or I'll smoke weed and M.

All of this confirms that I have a very addicting personality, and it's never enough to keep me happy. That's a stark realization. Women, weed, money. Can't get enough of it. No matter how much I get.

 

145 days hardmode

Three things I'm grateful for today:

1. I have 5 dates scheduled between now and Saturday, and I am choosing to do it with an open mind, a sense of adventure, and without weed.

2. I am only $15K away from meeting my quarterly goal, so I will end up finishing much better than I expected, despite a very tough quarter (i.e. layoffs, CV).

3. I have only 18 months remaining on my car loan, which means I will potentially be much better off financially because I'll be living in a cheaper place with no car payment.

 

146 days hardmode

Nearing 6 months no PMO. I'm just now starting to realize that.

But I'm convinced I'll have sex before then.

And sex will happen soon I think. Despite CV fears I'm moving about freely, dating women left and right, perhaps foolishly, but it's my choice.

Didn't train at the gym last night but I did 250 pushups at my apartment before my 8 pm date.

Had a fantastic date last night: brief, cheap,($30.00 with tip), and sensual. Capped it off with a very nice kiss at the end of the date. This woman kissed me with deep passion. She's 5'1" and there's something so attractive about petite women having influence over me. Definitely expect to see her again when she comes back to town next week. Going for sex on Date 2. No question about it.

Date tonight at 8 at the bar at a restaurant. Not convinced she's that attractive but oh well. Looking forward to meeting her anyway.

I also had a very rewarding day rotating and shuffling and adding dates through SAT (I currently have scheduled dates tonight, FRI, and SAT. 2 different women on SAT). One cancelled for FRI night but she practically begged me to reschedule, so I asked her if she likes to wear heels and sexy outfits. She seems to be playing along. Replaced her with a fantastic-looking older woman (64...she lists herself as 57 on her online profile...looks younger than 57) killer-looking body...can't wait to meet this one.

Texted my pot dealer and we'll see if he still delivers. The last time he delivered was July.

I realize I'm taking steps backward but I really hope he will deliver on time for my Friday night date with the MILF. I am looking forward to re-experiencing the high of weed while being out on a date with a woman, in my tight polo shirt.

SAT morning I have a date with a really fit woman. We're gonna workout then head to a restaurant for a post-workout reward meal. She's bringing a dress to change into. Then SAT evening at 6 a date with a woman who has persisted in staying in contact with me. Haven't seen any full-body photos but I'm 99.9% sure she's attractive.

So another very busy adventerous weekend.

Gonna have to watch my drinking and my wallet. I had 2 beers onnmy date last night then drank 3 more when I came home. Unacceptable. I won't get a lean midsection drinking that much. I'm better than that.

 

3 things I am grateful for today:

1. I have the flexibility to train legs and back at the gym this afternoon.

2. I have a date scheduled tonight with a tall woman who doesn't drink alcohol, so it will be a cheap date. If she cancels I will train at the gym tonight or focus my time and attention on other women.

3. I choose to stay focused on my job today, despite the tension and distractions of CV and my disliking certain colleagues.

 

147 days hardmode

2:00 AM EST.

Still feeling cold-like symptoms: cough, which seems to emanate from the upper respiratory region. Also, I felt during my date tonight that I had a very slightly runny nose. Also, and this could just be mental, i.e. stress induced, but I feel tired and run-down. No body aches or trouble breathing, but I feel a bit exhausted.

So, I spent the entire day feeling pretty nervous, convinced that either I have CV or that I am more susceptible to it. Really challenging day. I went home four lunch today and took 2 hours off. And it was really tough coming back to work. I wanted to stay home and lay in bed and rest and watch youtube videos.

I'm worried that I could die from CV, or that this could be the end of the world.

I am imagining the worst: government-sanctioned quarantines; mass desertions in the streets; empty grocery stores and gas stations; breakdown of law.

I fear the apocalypse.

It's the middle of the night and I am still contemplating taking alprazolam. I fear that my lack of sleep could make me more susceptible to catching CV.

But I'm not convinced that sleeping well will make me immune from CV, either, so I'm just doing my best to avoid taking alprazolam. I've taken all remaining Valium so now it's tine to truly abstain from benzos. I hsve a 1 mg tablet in my wallet and I'll take it only if I feel panicky. It comforts me knowing that I can take it if I have to. But I also know that I have to really dig in and force myself off of it.

I took 16 weeks to taper off alprazolam, and if I take it tonight, then I'll likely again become addicted, and quickly. I'll start taking it nightly, and that means I'll end up in the same place that I started: addicted to benzos. Addicted to big pharma.

I must remember that benzos aren't the long-term solution. They're supposed to be prescribed no longer rhan 8 weeks. I took them for years, but I disciplined myself and stopped taking them, and I have the choice to continue moving forward. I've made progress. I haven't went crazy. No serious symptoms.

So today I'm choosing to forgo taking alprazolam. I'm going to live or die without it. I'm only 3 weeks without it. This is a test, a big test. Let's see how I do.

I have my Bible on my nightstand, and I am reciting my prayers. My friend Michele told me that the Lord's prayer helps her sleep, so I'm going to take her advice. My body will sleep when it has to.

Work remains very challenging and stressful. But I am doing my best to stay busy and focused. Sometimes though I wish they would just fire me. Sometimes I think it's inevitable. But they are going to have to fire me because I don't quit, and I don't give up easy. I hate going into work right now but all it takes is one phone call, one sale. I'm not that far from meeting my quarterly quota, so why not keep trying?

One thing I did well today: I resisted texting my ex-wife. I did call her earlier today, but I left no VM. I was tempted to reach out and text her and let her know how much I miss her, but I resisted, and I'm pleased. When things get tough, I look to other people to save me. My ex-wife is no longer in my life. She is not going to save me. Nobody is going to save me.

It is time for me to move on without her. I feel sad that I have lost her. But it's time to move forward. I've got plenty of women to date now, and I realize a new chapter of life is beginning for me, and it doesn't involve going back to my ex-wife. That is exciting and scary, but I will succeed without her.

 

Trained today:

Did 413 pushups during my 2-hour lunch. No reverse crunches. Physique is looking good. The testosterone already seems to be working, though that could be mental.

I'm going to stay away from the gym. I fear catching the CV there. Also, since I still have remaining cold-like symptoms, I need to keep the training at a minimum. I'm happy to do my pushups in my apartment. I can watch TV and do them at my leisure, without concern for catching CV. I do need to run and do reverse crunches, but I'll see how I feel the next few days. No sense risking my life right now just to look fit. I look good enough. I'll just tighten up my diet and reduce my calories.

 

Dating hopper is insane right now!

2 dates in the past 2 days. Both very brief.

I've spent a total of $42.00 over the past 2 nights.

Have drank 6 beers.

Have scored 2 fantastic kisses.

2 for 2.

Tonight I'm really looking forward to date #3. My pot dealer responded: he is going to deliver at 2:30 this afternoon, so tonight after work I'm really looking forward to celebrating making it through another tough work week, and then delighting in my Friday night date preparation, which is almost as rewarding as the date itself: coming home, rolling up a fat joint, taking a few tokes, showering, doing a ton of pushups, drinking a beer or two, putting on my newly washed tight-ass polo short and dress jeans, looking lean and pumped, then heading over to a nearby restaurant to charm the hell out of my date, a 64-year-old MILF, 5'7", red hair, implants. I've been kind of fixated on this woman over the past 2 days. Lots of flirtation and good vibes. I'm hoping she's wearing an outfit and is sporting a body that rocks.

I'm bracing for the post-date depression though LOL. And, she may cancel, though she did text me at 11 pm tonight, saying she's looking forward to meeting me. I am really enjoying the anticipation of the rush of weed and women. Just like the old days. Perhaps not the best decision now but I feel like I want to escape my worries.

Very busy dating weekend:

FRI 7:30 pm date with 64-year-old MILF.

SAT double: 10 am workout with a 5'8" fit-looking chick followed by lunch at a nearby restaurant. Then a 6:30 drink date with a woman who has persisted in staying in contact with me, despite my ghosting her several times.

SUN beach date with a Jamaican hottie. She's a personal trainer. Easily an 8 based on photos.

I welcome plenty of weed and women this weekend, and I hope I feel better/survive and don't get CV. I'm just gonna focus on having fun and being in the moment and maximizing pleasure with these beautiful women.

Not sure how much longer I will keep my streak going now that I'm smoking weed. It's only going to make abstaining tougher. But it's my choice. We'll see what happens. I would really like to have sex this weekend.

 

Three things I'm grateful for today:

1. It's Friday! I survived another tough work week.

2. My pot dealer responded and confirmed a delivery time, so for now I can look forward to smoking a little bit of weed and prepping for my weekend dates.

3. For now I can anticipate meeting a physically attractive woman tonight for a drink or two.

 

Reminder to myself:

If I lose my job, another oppty. can open.

Losing my job may be a blessing in disguise. So never forget that.

 

149 days no PM.

During CV outbreak I'm leaning on others for strength and inspiration.

Staying positive and grateful and doing my best to stay indoors and healthy.

Got out in nature yesterday. Walked for a few hours. Felt really good. Was in the company of strong, positive, and nurturing women.

Had sex on FRI 3/13 and SAT 3/14. Not the best decision but I enjoyed it, and I think she enjoyed it, too.

FRI night sex was OK (I suspect that was due largely to approx 5 beers and 2 shots) but SAT sex felt really good. Was afraid I wouldn't be able to perform but no problems there.

I realize that social distancing is best right now but I just didn't want to be alone. Felt good to have a strong, sexy woman in my bed.

 

Three things I'm grateful for today:

1. I am alive
2. I am healthy
3. I have food and water.

 

Thank you my friend! Stay positive and stay healthy today. You and your family.

 

153 days no PM.

In the midst of a world plague and a seemingly pending economic depression I'm staying busy and feeling blessed.

I have a job to do and I'm actually very close to meeting my quarterly quota, which feels bizzare and miraculous.

I'm very cynical and have a tendency to embrace worst-case scenarios, but whatever happens in the coming days and weeks and months I want to know that I didn't give up, that during the CV outbreak I remained strong and resilient, that I focused on remaining positive for myself and others.

I also have a woman of exceptional character and beauty in my life. She offers me nurturing and strength. She has offered me her laptop and work space at her apartment if/when I need to work remotely. She cooked an amazing dinner for me TUES night. I ate 2 large plates of corned beef and cabbag .

In the midst of world turmoil I again started taking alprazolam, .5 mg before bed. My excuse is: I don't want to risk getting CV by not being able to sleep. I am able to sleep and I hope it keeps me healthy.

I've felt less than 100% healthy for the past 2 weeks now. I am feelimg better but I still feel like I am having respiratory congestion, and I cough, although it's very occasionally. I also have a slight and occasional runny nose. And I am tired. This could all just be in my imagination though. I have kissed several different women in rhe past week and none of them are sick. They are all sounding healthy and none of them claim to have any CV symptoms.

I'm eating a lot less right now. I fear going to the grocery store. Seeing empty shelves will only depress and frighten me. I have about 2 weeks of food left.

I am still working from the office. Usually we have about 100 people there. Currently it's about 10 at most. I have no WiFi or laptop at home so my employer is graciously letting me work from the office, which is empty of colleagues, and I am rather enjoying that. I hope it continues for the next few weeks, but I suspect that my employer will may make me work remotely soon.

"Yea though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death, I will fear no evil, for thou art with me; thy rod and thy staff comfort me."

 

Thank you for your kind words my friend!

 

157 days no PM.

Well for now it appears I have a girlfriend. I cancelled my match.com subscription this weekend and hung out at her place and watched movies.

For those who wonder if nearly 5 months of hardmode will lead to better sex...the answer from me is a resounding YES

 

Been 10 days since I've exercised.

Going to resume training tomorrow evening at my favorite little park with the basketball court. Pushups, jumpropes, crunches, full-court runs, beneath-the-rim putbacks.

GF is going to join me. She isn't going to train. I am just happy to have her join me.

 

158 days no PM.

I never been more grateful for my job and my health. I am also grateful for having strong and resilient and supportive people in my life.

I am one of 3 people still going into the office to work. I live less than 2 miles from my office, where we usually have about 100 people working, but almost everybody else at my company is now working remotely.

I actually like having the entire office to myself. I can stand up and walk around while I'm on the phone doing business deals (I have a cordless headset and a sit/stand desk).

CV is horrible for mankind but the global shutdown also means that my work is starting to get busy again, particularly from medical, military, and automotive customers.

Today I won't let outside circumstances interfere with my staying positive and focused. I will find a way to see opportunity in the worst situation.

 

159 days no PM

Trained last night at a local park and kept my distance from my fellow outdoorsmen.

Repeated this twice, but I failed to do crunches on the repeat circuit:

Ran full court 5xs
100 pushups
250 jumpropes
100 crunches

Brief but it was intense. I was sweating like a madman. But it felt good to finay get back out there and train.