Espi1971 Goals

160 days no PM

I feel for those who are losing their lives and their jobs due to this horrible virus.

I am also feeling equal parts grateful and humbled by how centered and optimistic I feel in the midst of such world turmoil. For now I have my health and my job. I know what it's like to struggle financially, to not have a job, and to not have a home. I also realize that I could lose my job at any moment, so again I'm very grateful and humbled.

I am slammed with work right now. Seemingly overnight I went from loathing my job to loving it. It's lamentable that the world is suffering, but the fact is, CV is now generating a lot of potential opportunities for me to help people. For the first time in nearly a year I am going to work early and staying late. And that's all I'm gonna say.

Things are going well with the GF too. She is one of the most nurturing and strongest woman I've ever known. Our connection is solid. I feel blessed to have her in my life. I feel like I have waited a long time to be in a relationship like this: a relationship based on 100% honesty and caring. Such a relationship is new for me, and I feel very comfortable and happy to be with her.

After work this evening I'm heading straight to her place. She's again preparing a home-cooked meal for us, and I will add food to my blessings list because I have been eating very sparsely during the week because I have zero interest in going anywhere near a grocery store right now.

Although I am feeling better, I'm still concerned I might have CV (slightly runny nose), and I don't wanna risk catching it at the grocery store. And I get bad vibes driving around. I am seeing more ambulances and hearing more sirens. I think the actual # of infected being reported here in the USA is way higher than what's officially being reported. I hope I'm wrong though.

Stay indoors. Stay positive. Stay healthy.

 

164 days no PM

Feeling tired and hungry.

Runny nose but no fever or cough. I wonder if I have a very low-level case of CV.

Spent the weekend with my GF at her place. Starting to re-think the relationship. There's an age gap (15 years) and I think I'm leaning on her during the CV shutdown. I would rather be with somebody than alone. Sex was great on FRI and SAT but SUN I was feeling exhausted and very hungry so I left at 8 pm, no sex that day, and I felt that she was a little dissapointed, but still she was very supportive.

Just trying to keep it all together right now. I am terrified of having to go to the grocery store ASAP. My pantry and fridge are nearly bare. My prcrastinating is just making things worse.

New quarter starts at work. Not feeling good about that either, though at least I have a job.

 

Three things I am grateful for today:

1. My health
2. My job
3. Opportunity to fill my fridge and pantry (I have the financial means).

 

Took a 2-hour lunch and went to the grocery store and got almost everything I needed. Store was pretty well stocked. I'm gonna go back tomorrow, same time, and get more groceries.

Going for pushups and a run this evening.

Ordered golf gloves today, which are scheduled to artive at my place next TUES. My company has a gym, and since very few of us are using it, I'm gonna start training there again. I miss lifting weights. As soon as my gloves arrive next week I'm hitting the gym.

 

Did 150 pushups after work this evening, in my apartment. Then I walked-ran around my neighborhood for about an hour. Nothing better than running. Solid workout.

But MAN was it quiet! Hardly any cars. It was like I was I was out in the country.

 

165 days no PM

Long, slow, dull, lonely workday.

Two words kept me going today:

PERSPECTIVE
SMILE

 

166 days no PM

I need to re-focus on my goals.

Viewed match.com profiles today. Not sure the GF I have is long-term. I even thought about re-opening my profile under "Private Mode," but then I realized I'd be violating Goal #1: Live life honestly.

She is coming over tonight but I'm not 100% excited about it. I'm tired and stressed. But she misses me so I'm going to do my best to enjoy the evening with her. I invited her to stay the night. She's even bringing her dog. She also volunteered to stop and get us food. She is so nurturing and understanding. And the sex is great, too. I still have concerns about my ability to please her, but that has never been a problem.

The closer people get to me the more I tend to push them away. I am very hesitant to keep going with this relationship.

But during CV I'd rather stay with her than be alone.

But I am more craving dating women.

I am already feeling anxious for life to return to normal.

 

Goal 1. Continue living life with 100% honesty.

Goal 3. Invite supportive men and women into my life, and offer support to men and women in my life.

Goal 4. Pursue a long-term relationship.

Goal 5. Stop taking alprazolam (for life).

Goal 11. Visit my family members.

 

168 days no PM

Goal 3. Invite supportive men and women into my life, and offer support to men and women in my life.

Goal 11. Visit my family members.

This week my 2 sisters contacted me, and I texted my stepdad...on the same day, actually. My dad invited me up to his house, and my younger sister wants to join us. So after CV passes I'm looking forward to setting the date to see my family members. I haven't seen them in 6 years.

I enjoyed having my GF over on WEDS night. She brought her dog, and dinner. I think we were both feeling tired and stressed. I find it is challenging sharing life, even with a supportive, beautiful woman. But she and her dog spent the night at my place, and we all slept very well, and it also felt nice waking up with her. Facing life feels easier.

Heading to her place this weekend. She advised that she has a surprise for me. This is part of what endears me to her.

 

171 days no PM

Trained with weights for 45 minutes this evening, in my company's empty gym:

4 sets deadlifts
20 x 135,
15 x 185,
10x 225,
10x 225

4 sets Farmers' Carries 1 minute walk & hold
40, 45, 50, 55

4 sets lat pulldowns
Not sure about weight but each set felt good
20 reps
15 reps
10 reps
10 reps

4 sets shrugs
20 x 70 lbs.
20 x 65 lbs.
20 x 60 lbs.
20 x 55 lbs.

 

@the awakening thank you for your kind words

I sell electronic components.

I have never heard of Grant Cardone. Thank you for mentioning him.

Be healthy my friend!

 

I spent another nice weekend with my GF at her place, my escape from world turmoil.

This woman shows me so much care and love and support.

I'm still not 100% convinced that I'll stay with her for the long term...assuming we both make it through CV. But for now I am tremendously honored and comforted in knowing that I would support and care for her if she gets sick, and I feel she will do the same for me. I would hate to be alone right now. Thank you God for at least connecting me to a woman who is such a positive influence in my life.

 

172 days no PM

Trained this evening for approx. 45 mins.

4 sets, one exercise after another, as little rest as possible between sets:

DB flat bench press
20 reps x 45 lbs.
15 reps x 55
12 reps x 65
13 reps x 70

Skullcrushers
20 reps x E-Z bar with 10-lb plates on each side
15 reps x 15 lbs. on each side
12 reps x 20 lbs. on each side
13 reps x 25 lbs. on each side

Jumpropes
250 reps per set (1000 reps total)

 

Goal 3. Invite supportive men and women into my life, and offer support to men and women in my life.

Goal 4. Pursue a long-term relationship.

My sex drive and cravings are at an all-time high right now. I'm viewing match.com profiles daily. All day I thought about moving to a new apt. near the beach soon, smoking weed, working out, and meeting more women.

My GF knows I'm window-shopping on match.com. I feel like I'm getting closer to ending the relationship.

 

Goal 5. Stop taking alprazolam (for life).

Currently taking .5mg per night, before bed.

Not proud of this, but at least the dose remains low. I will not give up on this either. I may have taken a step back but I will eventually quit alprazolam for life.

 

Goal 15. Stop taking testosterone cypionate (for life).

I injected 100 mg. testosterone cypionate yesterday. I have approx. 1 month's supply remaining, and I intend to inject it all.

 

174 days no PM

Trained this evening:

4 sets, as little rest as possible between sets:

Goblet squats
20 reps x 50 lb. DB
20 reps × 60 lb. DB
20 reps x 70 lb. DB
20 reps x 75 lb. DB

Pullups 10 reps x 4

Jumpropes 250 x4

Tonight I was starting to feel like I was "back into it." Lots of sweat and a good pump.