Espi1971 Goals

I cannot believe that I am nearing the end of my 2-week Christmas break. The time is just flying by, and what truly amazes me is that I've enjoyed nearly every minute of it--mostly in solitude, and without PMO, without fantasy or p-subs, and without large quantities of food, alcohol, or material items.

Over the past 8 days of my vacation I've faced (and conquered) financial challenges, minimized the use of digital devices, acknowledged countless individuals by looking them in the eye and saying "hello," re-connected with 2 friends, enjoyed conversations with 3 complete strangers, participated in a 2-minute pullup-bar hanging contest, hiked and mountainbiked the trails in near-perfect solitude at 3 nature parks, swam in the Gulf of Mexico, slept on Clearwater Beach, and got myself a killer tan.

I've spent many past Christmas seasons living in excess: traveling to expensive resorts, sleeping in, spending lots of money, drinking alcohol and smoking marijuana and lusting after women.

None of it comes close to the joy and energy and purpose that I've felt over the past week. I don't miss my old life a bit.

On Christmas Day, I was exploring Clearwater Beach, and I was in constant view of the elite resort in which my ex-wife and I vacationed just a few years ago, where people spend hundreds of dollars a night to stay. I barely had enough money to pay for public parking and a meal (no alcohol), yet I NEVER felt forlorn or depressed or lonely. I instead felt content and peaceful. I had my backpack, blanket, plenty of sun and water. And that was good enough for me.

I've got 5 more days remaining on my vacation, and there are plenty of things I intend to do. Today I'm heading north for some more mountainbiking, this time on one of my favorite trails.

Have a great day All!

 

Having some money in the bank is helping me to finally accomplish 4 personal goals that I set back in October 2019:

Goal 6. Consider a 401(k) loan. STATUS 12/29/2019: At approximately 7:30 PM EST on 12/27/2019, I received a check via 401(k) loan. I deposited the check yesterday and have started to carefully, thoughtfully, and slowly appropriating the funds.

Goal 7. Repair vehicle. STATUS 12/29/2019: Per the dealership: internally shorted pressure sensor; internally shorted vehicle ignition switch; punctured rear passenger side tire. Total amount for these repairs: $1255.00. Despite the expense, I'm grateful and happy to be able to pay for it, and it feels good that I am now finally taking the necessary steps towards accomplishing this long-procrastinated goal. I feel like a heavy burden is being lifted.

Goal 14. Do what it takes to ensure that my credit is 100% clean. Status 12/29/2019:This goal reflects my desire to live my life with 100% honesty, and with financial independence. The good news is, all 3 credit reports show that I have only one outstanding collection account, in the amount of $267.00. Also, I checked my credit ratings yesterday, and per the website, 2 credit reporting agencies are advising 722 and 756 credit scores. I am pleasantly surprised by this. Also, I attempted to pay my $267.00 delinquency via the Internet, but the collection agency's website advises that I have no delinquent account on file (?). I'm going to let this go unless I receive further notice to pay. I feel like I have legitimate and 100% honest reason to dispute this collection, but I will still pay it off, but only if I'm further advised. I expect my credit score to be completely clean by July 2021 at the latest.

Goal 15. Assume financial responsibility for my auto insurance. STATUS 12/29/2019: I am still on my ex-wife's auto insurance policy. Payment was due 12/28/19, and I was supposed to visit her on 12/27/19 and give her a check for insurance, but she was busy, that day, so I am visiting her today, with check in hand. Now that I have some money in the bank I will explore and compare rates and move forward with my own automobile insurance policy. This will cut the final tie to my ex-wife. I will be fully independent from her. I will take my time in choosing my new insurance policy. I notice that when I have money I have a tendency to rush things through and make impulsive decisions. Not this time. I am going to take my time and compare at least 3 different companies before I move forward. I intend for my new insurance to take effect on 1/28/2020.

 

Goal 2. Start thinking about what I REALLY want to do with the remaining years of my life. I'm 48 years old and I have nothing to lose by trying. STATUS 12/29/2019: I still feel like I have a lot of work to do here, but several things have popped into my head recently:

I would like to explore the following places: Yellowstone National Park; Yosemite National Park; Everglades; Smoky Mountain National Park.

Particularly, I would like to explore places that are remote and "off the grid." Off the beaten path for sure. Places that are not easily arrived.

I would like to contribute to a healthier and happier society via my passion for fitness and nutrition.

I would like to experience the challenge and learning process of the most demanding physical training and nutrition certification.

I would like to be a head football coach at a junior high or high school. I would like to be a head football coach at a college that demands morality and honesty and academics.

I want to contribute time and energy toward preserving nature. I see myself volunteering my time at local parks, and I see myself as a widlife ranger/game warden at a national park.

 

Trained yesterday:

Foam roller and lacrosse ball

Pushups (PR 55)

×4 triset shoulder workout:
OH DB press
Side lat raises
Upright rows

Stairmaster 30 minutes (500+ calories burned)

Pushups

Fantastic workout: intense, energetic. Cranked out pushups with energy and fury. This is the kind of workout I'd like to have every time.

 

Exercised today:

Approximately 20 miles on the mountainbike on paved trails and approximately 1 mile hike on an easy-level flat dirt trail. 70 pushups. Good intensity. Improved my tan. I'm getting dark.

 

Goal 19. Continue limiting coffee consumption to 1 K-cup per day M-F, and 2 K-cups per day on weekends, first thing in the morning only. STATUS 12/30/2019: I revised this goal: "Enjoy a maximum of 2 K-Cups of coffee consumption per day, first thing in the morning only."

 

Revised goal list:

Goal 1. Continue living life with 100% honesty (this is new for me). No lies. Ever. No exceptions.

Goal 2. Start thinking about what I REALLY want to do with the remaining years of my life. I'm 48 years old and I have nothing to lose by trying.

I will plan steps toward exploring at least one of the following places: Yellowstone National Park; Yosemite National Park; Everglades; Smoky Mountain National Park.

I will plan steps toward exploring places that are remote and "off the grid." Destinations that are not easily arrived.

I will explore contributing to a healthier and happier society via my passion for fitness and nutrition.

I will explore undertaking the challenge and learning process of the most demanding physical training and nutrition certification.

I want to contribute my time and energy toward preserving nature. I see myself volunteering my time at local parks.

Goal 3. Invite supportive men and women into my life, and offer support to men and women in my life. "God please help me. I want family and friends in my life. I want to trust and support people, and I want people to trust and support me. Please help me be more understanding and accepting. Please help me remove my anger, insecurity, and ego. Please help me forgive myself for the pain and harm I have inflicted on others, and please help me to forgive others who have inflicted pain and harm. Thank you God. Amen."

Goal 4. Pursue a long-term relationship. I was separated for 13 months prior to my divorce on December 3, 2019. I want to share my life with a woman of exceptional beauty, strength, and character. I want to take my time and really get to know her and share life with her. I feel like the most important quality that I have to offer is 100% honesty: No lies. No exceptions. Ever. I want the same quality from my partner. I will be at least 100 days PMO before I consider having sex with a woman, and I want to have sex only with the woman I intend to marry. I am 48 years old, and have no children, yet I see myself being a loving husband and father/stepfather, the protector of my family, and I want to receive and offer unconditional love and support from family. I am attracted to women between the ages of 28-50, and I am OK if the woman I love and wish to marry already has/doesn't want to have/cannot have children, as long as I feel close with, am welcomed, accepted and respected as a loving, supportive member of her family. And I want her to have the same desire and expectation towards my family.

I am willing to go out of town/state/country to be with the love of my life, and I am pleasantly surprised how welcoming and optimistic I feel about this.

Goal 5. Stop taking alprazolam (for life). Before bedtime on 12/31/2019, I will launch the final tapering phase by taking .5 mg every OTHER night, until February 19, 2020 (my 49th birthday). By midnight, February 19, 2020, I will be done with alprazolam for life, no matter what. No excuses.

Goal 6. Explore additional job opportunities. Despite my having been with the same company for almost 5 years now, and receiving 2 raises in December 2019, I continue to feel uncertain about my ability and desire to do this job, so I will continue exploring other job opportunities to alleviate stress and maximize my feeling of self-empowerment.

Goal 7. Repair vehicle. Per the dealership: internally shorted pressure sensor; internally shorted vehicle ignition switch; punctured rear passenger side tire. Total amount for these repairs: $1551.00. Despite the expense, I'm grateful and happy to be able to pay for it, and it feels good that I am now finally taking the necessary steps towards accomplishing this long-procrastinated goal. I feel like a heavy burden is being lifted.

Goal 8. Update my resume with 100% honesty.

Goal 9. Finish the 100-day Spartan Challenge on nofap.com, via hard mode: no porn, no masturbation, no orgasm. I will continue to seek daily support from my Spartan family, and I will continue to offer daily support to my Spartan family.

Goal 10. Explore moving to another city/state/country. I am willing to move out of town/state/country for the right job opportunity and/or to meet the love of my life, and I am pleasantly surprised how welcoming and optimistic I feel about this.

Goal 11. Visit my family members in Ohio. For the first time in 5+ years my sister invited me to visit them. I will set a date by January 31st, 2020. No excuses!

Goal 12. Continue doing what it takes to ensure that my credit is 100% clean. To accomplish this I will simply continue following Goal #1.

Goal 13. Assume financial responsibility for my auto insurance. By end-of-day Sunday, January 5th, 2020, I will remove myself from my ex-wife's automobile insurance policy and have opened my own automobile insurance policy.

Goal 14. Increase my 401(k) contribution from 3% to 10%. After year 5 with my company (February 22, 2020), I will be 100% vested. I will research how this works, and I will know about 401(k). I will then increase the contribution rate to 10% on Monday, February 24th, 2020.

Goal 15. Stop taking testosterone cypionate (for life). I haven't injected it since December 1st, 2019. I have about a month's supply remaining, and I may re-inject it, but after that supply is gone, I'm done injecting it for life.

Goal 16. Pay off my vehicle by 1/1/21. This is a lofty goal but I believe it's attainable. Remaining balance as of 1/1/2020: $8200.00. Equals $681.32 per month. This is doable. Even if I don't pay $681.00 per month I can always adjust accordingly.

Goal 17. Add non-animal protein sources to diet. I will contine adding black beans, pinto beans, and kidney beans to my daily meals. I will also research and implement more non-animal protein sources to minimize my consumption from eggs, chicken, and tuna.

Goal 18. Enjoy a maximum of 2 K-Cups of coffee consumption per day, first thing in the morning only.

 

Goal to consider: buy an acoustic guitar and start playing it. Do NOT "learn" how to play it. Just play it. Upside down and left-handed, like Hendrix.

 

gabi.com/use this site to accomplish Goal #12.

 

Goal 2. Start thinking about what I REALLY want to do with the remaining years of my life. I'm 48 years old and I have nothing to lose by trying.

What are my true passions??

 

Goal 5. Stop taking alprazolam (for life). Before bedtime on 12/31/2019, I will launch the final tapering phase by taking .5 mg every OTHER night, until February 19, 2020 (my 49th birthday). By midnight, February 19, 2020, I will be done with alprazolam for life, no matter what. No excuses. STATUS 1/2/2020: I'm into Day 3 of the final tapering phase. I did NOT take alprazolam before bedtime on the night of December 31, and I did not sleep well. As I lay awake in bed, my sexual urges were intense, and during rare sleep periods, my (non-sexual) dreams were vivid and intense, and disturbing.

I will continue taking alprazolam .5 mg before bedtime every OTHER night until February 19th, 2020. On that date, I will quit taking it for life. I am envisioning the strength and peace and power from accomplishing this long-term goal. For the rest of my life I'll be able to look in the mirror knowing that I accomplished this goal.

 

Goal 7. Repair vehicle. Per the dealership: internally shorted pressure sensor; internally shorted vehicle ignition switch; punctured rear passenger side tire. Total amount for these repairs: $1551.00. I added a complete detail. Despite the expense, I'm grateful and happy to be able to pay for it, and it feels good that I am now finally taking the necessary steps towards accomplishing this long-procrastinated goal. I feel like a heavy burden is being lifted. STATUS 01/03/2020: Dealership advised that my vehicle was "ready to go." I went to the dealership, was able to turn on/off the ignition, but the yellow check engine light is still illuminating. I fear that there will be some heavy duty additional repair costs. Worse yet, I called my ex-wife for emotional support (I feel embrassed to admit that), and she advised that the dealership may NEVER be able make the yellow check engine light dissapear. I am using her words to remind myself why I divorced her. Feeling depressed, angry, stressed, anxious, and frustrated. I left the office 5 hours early today.

 

Goal 5. Stop taking alprazolam (for life). Before bedtime on 12/31/2019, I will launch the final tapering phase by taking .5 mg every OTHER night, until February 19, 2020 (my 49th birthday). By midnight, February 19, 2020, I will be done with alprazolam for life, no matter what. No excuses. STATUS 1/3/2020: I'm into Day 4 of the final tapering phase. I did NOT take alprazolam before bedtime on the night of January 3, and, again, I did not sleep well. Again, as I lay awake in bed, my sexual urges were intense, and during rare sleep periods, my (non-sexual) dreams were vivid and intense, and disturbing. I specifically recall a river filled with alligators and hunting dogs. Just dreams, thank God. Today has been kind of rough. Feels harder to focus; I feel depressed and anxious; and I feel angry at the world in general.

I've quit taking alprazolam before, and now I'm doing it again, this time for life. I will continue taking alprazolam .5 mg before bedtime every OTHER night until February 19th, 2020. On that date, I will quit taking it for life. I feel the strength and peace and power from accomplishing this long-term goal. For the rest of my life I'll be able to look in the mirror knowing that I accomplished this goal.

 

Trained this morning:

Pushups (PR 55)

Stairmaster 30 minutes
500 calories burned

Great non-weights workout. Not too intense. Just enough to get me out of bed this morning.

Tomorrow I intend to raise the intensity with lots of foamrolling, pushups, squats and pullups, and stairclimbing. I anticipate potential DOMS on Sunday.

 

Trained this afternoon:

Foam roller: calves, quads, hams, glutes, lower and upper back, neck. Used a lacrosse ball for glutes, lower and upper back, and arms.

Pushups (PR 60)

Squats and pullups (6 supersets)

Pushups (blew through 50 of 'em; felt strong)

Stairmaster 30 minutes (approx. 450 calories burned)

Mostly a great workout. Lots of intensity and a personal record on consecutive pushups. I felt tired and it took a lot of discipline to get through the squats and pullups. I was sweating profusely and I paused often on squats and I required several breaks to get to 10 pullups on sets 2-6. But I stayed the course, and I'm giving myself kudos for working out for nearly 2 hours, despite a very sparse gym and a depressing-looking rainy Saturday.

I felt a bit distracted by a few women. New faces, it being the New Year and all. While it is exciting seeing beautiful women, I must remember why I'm there. I stole several quick glances, but I think I did a solid job staying focused.

 

Took alprazolam .5 mg last night before bedtime. I was in bed and asleep by 9:30 PM. Slept until 5 AM, stayed awake for a few minutes, then went back to bed and re-awoke at 7 AM. Peaceful, perfect sleep. No dreams that I can remember.

I can really tell the difference in the quality of my sleep when I take the drug versus not taking it. I've thought about taking valium on the non-alprazolam nights, which is often recommended during tapering by people on the Internet who claim to have successfully tapered, and by medical professionals. But I feel like I would be risking addiction to valium.

I'll give it some more time. My gut tells me I need to stick to my plan and take alprazolam every OTHER night with NO valium. There is no easy way to quit.

But I'm keeping an open mind.

 

Goal 4. Pursue a long-term relationship. Lately I've been thinking about connecting with women. I'm nearing 80 days PMO free now, and my goal is to wait until.I am at least 100 days PMO free before I consider having sex with a woman, and I want to have sex only with the woman I intend to marry.

Today I made it my goal to attempt to reconnect with 2 women, both whom I deceived and lied and ghosted.

I had many affairs while I was married, and I deleted almost all names and numbers and images, but there are a few I kept, because I really like these women and wanted to possibly reconnect with them after I divorced and finally decided to live my life with 100% honesty.

I called one of those 2 women today. I consider her a woman of exceptional beauty, strength, and character. I thought about calling her in early December, immediately following my divorce. We saw each other several times, and I thought we shared a wonderful connection, until I ghosted her in May 2018.

Over the past few months I spent much time and thought going back and forth, wondering if I should call her. I told her some big-time lies when we were seeing each other. I prayed (which is selfish really), and my gut told me to call.

I called and she claimed she didn't know who I was, and after 30 seconds, she hung up on me.

I immediately texted her and included a photo:

"Hope you are doing well. I've thought about you and I kept your contact information the past 18 months. I apologize for cancelling on you in May 2018 but I wanted to reconnect."

My gut tells me I'll never talk to her again. I deleted our text history and her phone number, which actually feels relieving.

At least now I know.
At least I tried.
At least I no longer have to wonder for the rest of my life if I should have reached out.

But the rejection stings, and I feel like a fool.

She was a woman who I wanted to explore reconnecting with, but I guess I got a taste of my own medicine today. Karma.

There is another woman with whom I'd like to reconnect, and though my gut tells me that I am mostly attracted to her physically, I want to see if I we can reconnect and make something great happen. Or maybe just be friends. I'm open to either. I really liked this woman, and I feel compelled to take one last shot. This will be the third time I've reached out to her. In 2017- or 2018, when I was married, she arranged to meet me, one on one, in a condo, to watch the races, but I abruptly cancelled (regret that one big time). A few months later I asked to meet her, and we met twice, no sex, and of course I ghosted her.

I haven't seen her in nearly 2 years and I no longer have her phone number, so I'm not sure how I'm going to meet her, but I am going to try.

She is the last of my former connections.

If it doesn't work out with her, and I think it's a long shot, then I'm going to proceed to the next step: take 6 current photos and create a profile on match.com.

 

Busy day ahead!

I've been challenged lately: intense urges, lack of sleep, and financial worries. But I'm actually feeling proud and inspired by these challenges.

Today I'm going to use my advantages and strengths, and I've got several:

Determination:
I'm going to the gym today, early. I'm already a little sore from yesterday's workout (1st leg workout yesterday in two weeks). But I have a deep desire to return to the gym and push my body hard. Because I want to prove to myself that I can remain strong, regardless of my struggles, no matter what challenges I am facing.

Focus:
Last night I planned my day ahead, so today I already know my goals and I intend to accomplish them. Every minute of today I already know where I'll be going, what I'll be doing, and what I expect to be accomplishing. I will minimize the use of my smartphone. I have no desire to spend the majority of my day watching TV. I will instead be hitting the gym, shopping, cleaning my apartment, looking people in the eye and saying hello. I will remain humbled and grateful. And I will enjoy and savor every blessed moment that this day has to offer. This will keep me aligned on my chosen path.

Energy:
Today I'm going to eat and drink clean. No junk food today. No alcohol today. 2 coffees this morning then plain water all day, along with clean, nutrient-dense food sources.

 

Trained this morning:

Foamrolling and lacrosse ball

Pushups

DB Incline Press, skullcrushers, TRX pushups (×4)

Stairmaster (460 calories burned)

Pushups

No alprazolam last night. Hardly slept at all.

Intense urges and fixations all night. Rare sleep contained weird, vivid, and conspiratorial-like dreams, bordering close to nightmarish. So I am tired today, and this workout wasn't very intense. Surprisingly my lungs and legs felt strong on the stairmaster. But this workout was about getting out of the house and staying busy and proving that I can keep going, even when I'm feeling depressed and anxious.

Today I also feel very lonely, like I'm detached from the entire world, living in isolation. Hard to look people in the eye today but I'm surviving. No motivation or desire to leave my apartment. Not looking forward to work tomorrow, and I'm very concerned about my vehicle repairs.

 

Goal 13. Assume financial responsibility for my auto insurance. STATUS 01/05/2020: I'm not moving forward on this until my vehicle is repaired, and I'm sure that I can afford the repairs.