Espi1971 Goals

Discussion in 'Self Improvement' started by Espi1971, Dec 11, 2019.

  1. Espi1971

    Espi1971 Fapstronaut

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    Goal 5. Stop taking alprazolam (for life). STATUS 1/7/2020: I've revised the final tapering phase to .25 mg every night before bedtime. February 18th, 2020 will be the last time I take alprazolam, for life. Beginning February 19th, 2020, I will be free from taking alprazolam.

    I revised the the final tapering phase because I feared another night of sleepnessness and weird dreams.

    EDIT: Per the Ashton method, though these these symptoms are unpleasant, they also represent a sign that recovery is beginning to take place.

    EDIT: Per the Ashon Method, "True Recovery cannot really start until the drug is out of the system."

    Last night, I stopped at the grocery store and bought a pillcutter. To my surprise, it worked well: I was able to perfectly cut the .5mg alprazolam tablets in half. So last night I took .25 mg before bedtime, and though I didn't sleep well, the wakelessness, sexual urges, and dreams weren't nearly as intense as the past few nights, when I took no alprazolam.

    I will take diazepam if my depression or anxiety feels overwhleming. I've had a 5 mg. tablet tucked into my wallet for many weeks now, and I feel comforted in knowing that I can take it if necessary.

    I am feeling stressed about work and about my ongoing vehicle repairs. I am having to be patient and trust that things will work out. I believe that I'm allowing these stressors to affect my mood and my sleep.

    I want things to work out for the best, but until then I need to focus on living one day at a time and working on what I can control. This feels incredibly difficult to do right now. Matthew 6:25-34.

    I'm feeling confident that .25 mg. per night before bedtime is the right way to taper. This means means that by February 18th, 2020 I'll have tapered 16 weeks.

    I'm thinking of ways to celebrate the accomplishment of this long-term goal.
     
    Last edited: Jan 7, 2020
  2. Espi1971

    Espi1971 Fapstronaut

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    REVISED GOAL LIST. ADDED 3 GOALS: NUMBERS 19, 20, and 21.

    Revised goal list:

    Goal 1. Continue living life with 100% honesty (this is new for me). No lies. Ever. No exceptions.

    Goal 2. Start thinking about what I REALLY want to do with the remaining years of my life. I'm 48 years old and I have nothing to lose by trying.

    I will explore places that are remote and "off the grid." Destinations that are not easily arrived.

    I will contribute to a healthier and happier society via my passion for fitness and nutrition.

    I want to undertake the challenge of the most demanding physical training and nutrition certification.

    I will contribute my time and energy toward preserving nature. I see myself volunteering my time at local parks.

    Goal 3. Invite supportive men and women into my life, and offer support to men and women in my life. "God please help me. I want family and friends in my life. I want to trust and support people, and I want people to trust and support me. Please help me be more understanding and accepting. Please help me remove my anger, insecurity, and ego. Please help me forgive myself for the pain and harm I have inflicted on others, and please help me to forgive others who have inflicted pain and harm. Thank you God. Amen."

    Goal 4. Pursue a long-term relationship. I was separated for 13 months prior to my divorce on December 3, 2019. I want to share my life with a woman of exceptional strength, character, and beauty. I want to take my time and really get to know her and share life with her. I feel like the most important quality that I have to offer is 100% honesty: No lies. No exceptions. Ever. I want the same quality from my partner. I will be at least 100 days PMO before I consider having sex with a woman, and I want to have sex only with the woman I intend to marry. I am 48 years old, and have no children, yet I see myself being a loving husband and father/stepfather, the protector of my family, and I want to receive and offer unconditional love and support from family. I am attracted to women between the ages of 28-50, and I am OK if the woman I love and wish to marry already has/doesn't want to have/cannot have children, as long as I feel close with, am welcomed, accepted, and respected as a loving, supportive member of her family. And I want her to have the same desire and expectation towards my family.

    I am willing to go out of town/state/country to be with the love of my life, and I am pleasantly surprised how welcoming and optimistic I feel about this.

    Goal 5. Stop taking alprazolam (for life). I am in the final tapering phase of .25 mg, every night before bedtime. February 18th, 2020 will be the last night I take alprazolam, for life. Beginning February 19th, 2020 (my 49th birthday), I will stop taking alprazolam for life.

    Goal 6. Explore additional job opportunities. Despite my having been with the same company for almost 5 years now, and receiving 2 raises in December 2019, I continue to feel uncertain about my ability and desire to do this job, so I will continue exploring other job opportunities to alleviate stress and maximize my feeling of self-empowerment.

    Goal 7. Repair vehicle.

    Goal 8. Update my resume with 100% honesty.

    Goal 9. Finish the 100-day Spartan Challenge on nofap.com, via hard mode: no porn, no masturbation, no orgasm. I will continue to seek daily support from my Spartan family, and I will continue to offer daily support to my Spartan family. For the Spartan Challenge, I will be 100 days PMO free on or around 2/14/2020. And I cannot think of a better day on which to have sex with the woman I intend to marry.

    Goal 10. Explore moving to another city/state/country. I am willing to move out of town/state/country for the right job opportunity and/or to meet the love of my life, and I am pleasantly surprised how welcoming and optimistic I feel about this.

    Goal 11. Visit my family members in Ohio. For the first time in 5+ years my sister invited me to visit them. I will set a date by January 31st, 2020. No excuses!

    Goal 12. Continue doing what it takes to ensure that my credit is 100% clean. To accomplish this goal I will simply continue following Goal #1.

    Goal 13. Assume financial responsibility for my auto insurance. I will remove myself from my ex-wife's automobile insurance policy and have opened my own automobile insurance policy.

    Goal 14. Increase my 401(k) contribution from 3% to 10%. After year 5 with my company (February 22, 2020), I will be 100% vested. I will research how this works, and I will know about 401(k). I will then increase the contribution rate to 10% on Monday, February 24th, 2020.

    Goal 15. Stop taking testosterone cypionate (for life). I haven't injected it since December 1st, 2019. I have about a month's supply remaining, and I may re-inject it, but after that supply is gone, I'm done injecting it for life.

    Goal 16. Pay off my vehicle by 1/1/21. This is a lofty goal but I believe it's attainable. Remaining balance as of 1/1/2020: $8200.00. Equals $681.32 per month. This is doable. Even if I don't pay $681.00 per month I can always adjust accordingly.

    Goal 17. Add non-animal protein sources to diet
    . I will contine adding black beans, pinto beans, and kidney beans to my daily meals. I will also research and implement more non-animal protein sources to minimize my consumption from eggs, chicken, and tuna.

    Goal 18. Enjoy a maximum of 2 K-Cups of coffee consumption per day, first thing in the morning only.

    Goal 19. Enroll in a calculus course at my local community college.

    Goal 20. Take flying lessons.

    Goal 21. Buy an acoustic, right-handed guitar, re-string it, and turn it upside down, and play it like Hendrix.

     
    Last edited: Jan 20, 2020
  3. Espi1971

    Espi1971 Fapstronaut

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    Trained this morning:

    Pushups (T-PR 60)

    Back workout, quadruple set, miminim to no rest in between sets.

    4 sets:

    DB Bench Bentover Lat rows
    Machine Rows
    Pulldowns
    Shrugs

    Stairmaster
    30 minutes (460 calories burned)

    Pushups (PR 2 55)

    Fantastic workout. Great to be back in the gym after 2 days off. Tied my personal record for pushups and broke a personal record for consecutive pushups on the more challenging 2nd round. Really starting to crank out quality form pushups with fludity and rapidity. I felt like I could have broken my record on the first round. We'll see if that happens tomorrow.
     
    Last edited: Jan 8, 2020
  4. Espi1971

    Espi1971 Fapstronaut

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    Goal 5. Stop taking alprazolam (for life). STATUS 1/9/2020: For the first time in nearly 2 weeks I slept like a baby last night: asleep by 10:30 PM, no waking up whatsoever, no intense or weird dreams. I woke up at 6 AM feeling rejuvenated and clear.

    I've thought about how I'm going to reward myself. On Day 100 PMO free (January 27, 2020), I'm going to subscribe to an online dating site, and I'm going to enjoy meeting a few women. No casual sex. 100% honesty.

    Also, I'll continue abstaining from alcohol until Friday, February 21, 2020. By then I'll have quit alprazolam for life, so I am going to enjoy a few drinks on that night.
     
    Last edited: Jan 9, 2020
  5. Espi1971

    Espi1971 Fapstronaut

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    Trained today:

    Pushups (PR 65)

    Shoulders Triple Set, minimal rest between each exercise and set.

    4 sets:

    Overhead DB Press
    Side Lat Raise
    Upright Row

    Stairmaster, 30 minutes
    450 calories burned

    Pushups

    Broke personal record this morning for consecutive pushups. Good intensity. Not the best but solid.

    Tomorrow I'm planning a Friday outdoors workout session. My gym has a cool little space outside from which I am planning to do pushups, deadlifts, farmer's carries, and jumpropes. I'm not 100% convinced on the jumpropes though. I might stick with the stairmaster for my cardio. We'll see.
     
  6. Espi1971

    Espi1971 Fapstronaut

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    Trained outdoors at the gym Friday:

    Pushups

    Deadlifts and farmer's carries supersets x4

    Pushups


    OK workout. Not the best intensity. Wasn't in a very good mood.

    I did, however, ride my mountainbike to the gym and to and from work.
     
    Last edited: Jan 12, 2020
  7. Espi1971

    Espi1971 Fapstronaut

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    New tires installed on my mountainbike this morning! Rode about 15 miles on the trail afterwards, implementing pushups along the way.
     
  8. Espi1971

    Espi1971 Fapstronaut

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    Attitude hasn't been the best lately. Feel like I'm in a funk. Not the worst level of depression I've felt but it's discouraging. Work continues to be tough, and I'm angry and worried about my car.

    Anxiety isn't that bad, though. It's mainly depression.

    At least I'm staying busy and refraining from PMO.
     
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  9. Espi1971

    Espi1971 Fapstronaut

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    In the past 60+ days I've felt periods of self-confidence, but my being able to look beautiful women in the eye without ackwardness largely remains a challenge.

    I'm now taking steps to meeting women, and I feel like this is an area of my life that requires work on my part. I feel like I have to be willing to go outside of my comfort zone and risk being vulnerable to women. Risk neing rejected.

    In the past I never felt like I was worthy or interesting or attractive to women. For years I relied on deceit, alcohol, marijuana, and alprazolam to interact with women.

    I was reckless, selfish, promiscuous, concerned only about fulfilling my own desires and proving that I was attractive enough to seduce the women of my desires. And I never thought how my actions impacted the lives of others.

    Now I am choosing a different path. I live life with 100% honesty. I haven't consumed alcohol in several weeks. I quit smoking weed, cold turkey, several months ago, and I'm 5 weeks away from quitting alprazolam for life.

    I am a different man today. An honest and humbled man, a blessed man with a newfound sense of joy, energy, strength, and purpose, and now I'm looking forward to sharing my newfound life with a woman of strength, character, and beauty.
     
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  10. Espi1971

    Espi1971 Fapstronaut

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    Today was an overall boring, lonely, and depressing day. I'm mad at myself for squandering a beautiful, warm sunny Sunday sitting alone watching TV in my apartment. This is not good for me to do. But I just didn't feel like doing anything. I could have cleaned my apartment and worked on some goals but I wasn't interested.

    No training today. It actually felt kind of good to skip it. The thought of spending a beautiful Sunday afternoon doing squats and pullups in a sparsely populated gym was far more unappealing than sitting alone in my apartment watching football and being brainwashed by automobile insurance advertisements.

    This afternoon I took half of a diazepam (2.5 mg), my first time taking it since October 2019. I felt a little better. I felt more relaxed, less anxious and depressed for sure, but I also feel dissapointed in myself for taking it. I feel like I failed. I'm being hard on myself because I hate taking prescription drugs. I hate those stupid drug commercials. I hate everything about big pharma.

    My Neighbors are being noisy again. Almost every night this week I've awoke in the middle of the morning hearing them. I pay a lot of money to live here and frankly it pisses me off that I'm hearing neighbors in the middle of the night. I called the cops on them in August/Sept. and I'm ready to do it again.

    My date cancelled this morning so I joined an online dating site. I was 90% going to join anyway but today's cancellation sealed the deal for me. Three women in whom I was interested have not reciprocated (and I don't blame them), so I've decided it's time for me to start meeting other women via online dating, just to see what happens, and to alleviate boredom and loneliness.

    I will finish the 100-day Spartan Challenge here on nofap before I have sex with a woman. And I'm not interested in casual sex. But I'm being cautious and vigilant. I've lived a reckless and promiscuous lifestyle, so I know that I am capable of using women for sex. Incidentally, the due date for my completing the Spartan Challenge is February 14, 2020: Valentine's Day. Destiny?

    Yep. I need to stay humble and vigilant.
     
    Last edited: Jan 17, 2020
  11. Espi1971

    Espi1971 Fapstronaut

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    No training the past 3 days and I'm OK with it. In fact, I'm loving myself regardless of whether I train. I kind of like being away from the gym right now.

    I have rode my mountainbike to work and back both days this week. It's only a 4 mile round trip but I'm liking it. New tires are great!

    Finally feeling like my funk is lifting. Had my best-feeling day in awhile at work today. For the first time in months I feel like everything's going to work out, no matter what. Whenever I think of something I automatically associate optimism. Negativity and anxiety just seem so silly. I cannot believe I was so depressed and anxious just 2 days ago.

    I slept like a baby last night: in bed and asleep by 9 AM and slept through until 6 AM. A great night's sleep makes such a huge emotional and physical difference. So important.

    I slept very poorly on Sunday night because I called the cops on my neighbors at 3 AM Monday morning. 2nd time in the past 5 months that I've called the cops on them. Hopefully there will be no more loud noise and sleep disturbances. This time I chose not to report the incident to the property manager at my apartment complex. I confronted my neighbor directly and told her that my bedroom is five feet away from her porch and I can hear conversations, even at normal conversation levels. I also pointed out that they shouldn't be outside on the porch after 9 pm. To my neighbor's credit: she took it well. She kept quiet and let me person. We'll see if it continues.
     
    Last edited: Jan 15, 2020
  12. Espi1971

    Espi1971 Fapstronaut

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    Goal 18. Enjoy a maximum of 2 K-Cups of coffee consumption per day, first thing in the morning only. Status 1/15/20: I am exerting much discipline and determination to stick to 2 K-cups maximum per day. Every morning I think about drinking a third K Cup.

    I allowed myself 3 K-cups this past Saturday.

    The key with this goal is to remain diligent and not to take it lightly. It's only coffee but addiction is no longer acceptable to me no matter what.

    Once I allow myself 3 K Cups then I will allow myself 4 then 5, etc. Which means I'll be addicted again.

    Plus, coffee is expensive. 2 K-cups per day=$50.00 per month. Money is tight now.
     
    Last edited: Jan 15, 2020
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  13. Espi1971

    Espi1971 Fapstronaut

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    Goal 4. Pursue a long-term relationship. Status 1/15/2020: I am into day 4 of my month-long subscription to an online dating site. I have connected with 2 women so far: 1 with whom I have a date set this Friday at 6 pm; another whom I am scheduled to call this Thurs. at 7:30 pm.

    I am being a bit OCD about checking/sending messages and likes and searching profiles on the dating site. So I'm reminding myself to take things slowly and to limit my time and use on the site. This is a real challenge, though, for I'm obsessed and excited and feeling very impulsive about dating. Some serious dopamine rushes.

    For years I used online dating sites as a p-sub, especially when combined with alcohol and weed and alprazolam. And, I always amassed as many dates as I could physically handle.

    This time around, I'm setting limits, being selective about the women I communicate with. I'm not interested in casual sex and serial dating. I don't have the desire, time, energy, or finances for that.

    The thought of again dating women excites me, but I admit that I've recalled with fond remembrance my old womanizing days in which I almost always dated under the influence of weed and/or alcohol. Weed especially was a big-time trigger for me. I felt like weed slowed me down, relaxed me, made me feel more confident, and greatly enhanced sexual desire, albeit in a fantastical way: When I smoked weed I had the best sex...in my head only, and I relished it with P and M, spending hours of my time fantasizing, edging and repeating.

    But my drug-using, womanizing days are behind me now, and though I still miss the combination rush from weed and dating, at least I'll feel in control, and at least I'll be challenging myself by meeting women sober, and being 100% honest.

    I haven't drank alcohol in several weeks. My goal was to abstain until February 18, but I'm now open to indulging in a drink or two when/if I meet these 2 women. Why not, right?

    Living sober and honest is new to me, and I'm pumped and excited: I'm relatively happy and confident; I have nothing to hide; I don't lie; I have no sexual compulsions; I'm fit; and, I look healthier than I can ever remember, so I feel like I have a lot to offer and that I am on my way toward a new and rewarding life.

    Of the 2 women, I'm most looking forward to meeting my date on Friday. We'll see. Online dating is very flaky. Dates get cancelled. But for now I'm at least happy to have a date set.

    Like me, she's from Ohio. No kids. 1 year younger than I. She's currently nursing an ankle injury from running, and that impresses me.

    We grew up in the same same area, about 20 miles apart, and based soley on her online photos, I consider her to be a woman of beauty. I actually pursued her several times over the past several years on the same dating site, even when I was married, but she never reciprocated, so it will be interesting if she remembers me.

    I'm not exactly sure why she finally took an interest in me this time around (she actually suggested meeting for a drink after just 2 email volleys), so the mere thought of finally meeting this woman feels rewarding, and it will be interesting to see if we actually connect.

    Again: it is online dating, so in person she may look less attractive, or even more attractive. I suspect the latter. I'm also aware that she might cancel. Setting up a date 3 days in advance with a gorgeous woman is borderline too long in my opinion. Oh well. Flakiness is part of the online dating game, and I'm able and willing to roll with the punches. For better or worse I bring a LOT of experience to the online dating game, so I'll be content no matter what. I have Friday off so I'll enjoy the day no matter what. The key is to not email her again until THURS afternoon to wish her a good day and to confirm that we're still on.

    50/50 shot in my opinion. My gut tells me it could go either way.

    I have connected with another woman, who initiated emailing me, and I'll admit that, based on her photos, I'm not overwhelmingly physically attracted to her, but I sense that she's humble and genuine, and I sense that she would be fun to meet and perhaps be friends with.

    Since my physical expectations aren't super-high, she may end up looking even better than her photos, and that always intrigues me. She's 2 years younger than I, owns a business, and loves the outdoors. My kind of woman. No kids.

    She offered her phone # and I'm confident that we'll end up meeting this weekend. Can't wait to talk to her and see maybe see for myself what she looks like.

    It will be an interesting start to my new dating life.

     
    Last edited: Jan 17, 2020
  14. Espi1971

    Espi1971 Fapstronaut

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    I usually train during late morning when the gym is not crowded, but yesterday I left work a few hours early and hit the gym at 5:30 PM, during peak hours. Same gym, but I felt challenged in this new environment. I trained with focus and intensity, but I chose to keep my headphones on the entire time, rarely making eye contact with anybody, and never once saying hello to any of my fellow gym members.

    I notice lately that I've again been reverting to wearing my headphones as a tool for disconnecting myself from others. It stops today. I choose to face my fears and conquer them. I choose to connect myself to people. I choose to look people in the eye, and I choose to say "hello" to at least 1 person.

    So on my next workout, I won't even look at my phone, nor will I listen to music, even on the dreaded leg day.
     
  15. Espi1971

    Espi1971 Fapstronaut

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    Rode my mountainbike to the gym (1 mile there and back) and trained last night:

    Pushups

    Tri-set ×4:
    DB incline press
    Skullcrushers superset
    TRX pushups

    Pushups

    Tri-set ×3:
    DB incline press
    Skullcrushers superset
    TRX pushups

    Pushups

    Threw in a few pullups as well.


    Trained with a fair amount of focus and intensity but I skipped cardio and the training was a bit sporadic. Also, I chose to train chest and triceps over legs (my least favorite body part workout). The gym has only one Smith machine and it was being used, but I could have performed deadlifts.

    I give myself kudos for training at 5:30 PM last night, during the peak hours. New environment. Noticed some beautiful women, and I was humbled because there were some buff dudes. This is what I want to be part of though.

    I'm considering changing my workouts to early morning, to see if the gym is more crowded. I like my gym but it's often sparsely crowded. Kind of a bummer to train in an empty quiet gym. Not my preference. And I'd like to see more women. Not sure if this a bad thing but it's what I want.

    I might start looking for other gyms. Maybe I can train at 2 gyms. It would be costly but I need to at least explore what else is out there.
     
    Last edited: Jan 16, 2020
  16. Espi1971

    Espi1971 Fapstronaut

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    Goal 4. Pursue a long-term relationship. Status 1/17/2020:

    Taking today off and I'm looking forward to a fun 3-day weekend!

    I have 2 dates set up:

    Ohio Girl confirmed date yesterday and again emailed this morning, saying she's looking forward to meeting. The feeling is mutual. So Date 1 is tonight at 6 PM. My first date since September. I will note that both times I've felt intense erections immediately after she confirmed. Silly perhaps but I see progress, and of course having erections again feels great. Cannot wait to see what she looks like and what she's wearing and how we connect. I feel confident and at peace with meeting her. Feels good to finally have a date lined up for the weekend, but I remain cautious.

    Date #2 is tomorrow night at 8 with the woman I referenced in my earlier post as humble and genuine. I will call her "Buffalo Girl." We spoke for 45 minutes on the phone and I enjoyed every minute of it. I had a gut feeling that we would connect. She is indeed smart, humble, free-spirited, with a dose of naivety. I also like her voice: very feminine.

    My gut tells me (and I don't mean to sound arrogant) that things could move quickly between us. She wanted to meet me today, but of course I had to suggest Saturday instead. I'll have to stay vigilant. My gut also tells me that she even though she's not super physically attractive, she will dress to impress, and she may catch me off guard. Some women, in my experience, aren't the most photogenic, but they end up looking a helluva lot more attractive in person, and I have that feeling about her. She appears to have the potential to look "hot." The weather here in Florida is warm right now and some of these women really love to wear outfits that accentuate their body. Cleavage gets my attention and both women I'm seeing this weekend appear to be very blessed in that aspect. So I am definitely looking forward to seeing what she looks like, and I am already imagining a fun and exciting evening together.

    Reminder to self: I'm 91 days hardmode and 74 days hardmode into the Spartan Challenge, and I'm feeling tempted to have sex if the opportunity presents itself (no P or M ). So I will continue to be disciplined and reserved about sex. I'm in no rush for a long-term relationship, and I have no problems delaying sex for another 26 days (Valentine's Day; could be something special).

    Also, I choose to drink this weekend, and both women drink. I will continue to be disciplined about alcohol, too. Goal #1 is to live life honestly. No lies or exceptions. Ever. This means I will not drive under the influence of alcohol. No exceptions. I have a great life ahead of me now and I'm not going to risk losing it.


    So today I'm going to head a few miles north, do a little shopping, get in a super-intense workout, then meet my date and enjoy a few drinks. Key is to stay busy and not obsess too much about my dates.
     
    Last edited: Jan 17, 2020
  17. Espi1971

    Espi1971 Fapstronaut

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    My observations after 90 days of hardmode:

    Live life with 100% honesty

    Periodic, acute feelings of inner peace and gratitude

    I have identified and pursued more goals in the past 90 days than I did in the last 5 years, combined.

    Feel renewed sense toward the spiritual: I pray to God almost daily

    Feel more connected and sociable: I look more people in the eye, smile, and say hello

    I am more focused on accepting and forgiving

    Quit smoking weed cold turkey

    Desire for alcohol is greatly diminished

    I have a LOT more more energy
    (I don't remember the last time I yawned)

    I'm more physically fit: I train with weights and cardio, with greater focus and intensity, usually 4-5Xs a week, sometimes up to 2 hours per training session

    I sleep better (I don't remember the last time I used an alarm clock to wake up)

    I've become a "morning person": I go to bed early and I wake up early, almost always feeling clear and rejuvenated

    Minimize use of digital devices, especially in the gym

    Reduced alprazolam from 2 mg to .25 mg

    Got divorced after an unhappy 5-year marraige

    Have made 2 friends and re-connected with a family member

    Spent the majority of my 2-week Christmas break in peaceful solitude: no consuming of material items; no weed; very little alcohol

    Have started dating

    Have endured workplace struggles (slowdown; layoffs; refused to participate in "Boss' Day")

    Received 2 raises at work (these were companywide raises but it still feels like an accomplishment)

    Disputed damage done to my vehicle and the dealership repaired it, free of charge

    Skin texture appears shinier, devoid of dryness and completely non-porous.

    My eyes appear clear and vibrant

    Eyesight has improved: my eyes rarely feel sore, burning, or scratchy, despite my wearing contacts and staring at a computer screen for 8-10 hours a day; also, I see clearer and farther. Minimal bagginess beneath my eyes has now dissapeared.

    Teeth look whiter

    Face looks leaner and more angular (could be due to 10-lb. weight loss but I swear my face has changed structurally...I realize I could be wrong but this is what I feel and see every time I look in the mirror)

    Countenance appears more relaxed, like somebody just shared a joke; it's like I'm always on the cusp of smiling

    Posture has improved

    Fingernails are shinier and grow quicker

    Less obsessed with body image: I haven't injected testosterone cypionate since December 1, 2019

    Have reduced my daily caffeine from 6-8 K-cups per day to 2 K-cups per day

    I feel more appreciative of/connected to nature

    I'm financially responsible and frugal: I'm hardly interested in/impressed by material things
     
    Last edited: Jan 18, 2020
  18. Espi1971

    Espi1971 Fapstronaut

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    This weekend I started dating, and I can attest that I was 100% honest, didn't think about sex, and I consumed very little alcohol.

    For the most part I enjoyed the experience of connecting and having fun and getting to know a few women on a deeper level.

    I felt joyful, relaxed, and confident. I learned a lot about my new self and the women I met. The cliche rings true: The journey is what matters. Not the destination.

    I do wonder, though, if given the opportunity, if I would have sex before finishing the Spartan Challenge. I feel like I have to remain vigilant.

    So already I'm thinking ahead instead of focusing on the present and taking things one day at a time. I have zero sexual urges but I am assuming things and dreaming of scenarios that may never even happen. So I realize that I still tend to get a bit obsessive and impulsive about women.

    So, yesterday, I "hid" my online dating profile. There are 2 lovely women I'm interested in knowing better, and since both of them seem to be interested in knowing me better, I've decided I'm going to limit my time and attention, and focus only on them. I'm not interested in juggling more women. I want to settle down with one woman, and casual sex is not part of the agenda.
     
  19. Espi1971

    Espi1971 Fapstronaut

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    Ohio Girl: Out

    Buffalo Girl: Hope to remain friends (I really like her but I'm not settling)

    Downtown Girl: Really like her. I feel like I am pursuing more than being pursued, and that's what I'm looking for. At the end of our date she walked with me to my car, then faced me and I gave her a nice little peck on the cheek (could have kissed on the lips?). She then hugged me (passionately..this was NOT an auntie hug) and said, "Text me." I said I will do. Then I watched her walk away...quite a site that was ;)

    Bulgaria Girl: Could be something special here. I'll remain cautiously optimistic. She texted immediately after the date suggesting another date, either mid-week or for Friday. I countered with FRI. So Date 2 is set. She has texted me a total of 18 photos since SAT.
     
  20. Espi1971

    Espi1971 Fapstronaut

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    I'm not working out today. I am aware that workouts have been relatively sparse the past week, but I've trained intensely and consistently the past few months, so going without training today is OK. I accept this decision today.

    Tomorrow, though, I will train: squats and pullups.

    I am spending too much time in bed posting on nofap.com from wakeup to work (4-5 hours). Because nofap.com is positive and comfortable for me.

    This morning I'm low energy, tired, loathing going to work, and I'm not looking forward to leg day on a cold morning in a sparsely populated gym. Too bad. No excuses. Those who push through become champions.
     
    Last edited: Jan 20, 2020

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