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Espi1971 Goals

Discussion in 'Self Improvement' started by Espi1971, Dec 11, 2019.

  1. Espi1971

    Espi1971 Fapstronaut

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    Goal 4. Pursue a long-term relationship.

    GI:
    One of my best dates ever. She is indeed a woman of exceptional beauty (8.5); caramel complexion; 5'9"; beautiful long straight brown hair; lean body with an hourglass shape; full lips; magnetic green eyes; cheery, naive-like positive disposition.

    She is easy to talk to; I felt like we shared a strong romantic connection and, surprisingly, many of the same interests. She is 32 years old, of a mixed ethnicity, yet we talked about our affinity for the same rock artists: Rage Against the Machine; Led Zeppelin; Tool to name a few.

    When I greeted her she immediately took my hand in hers. That sounds corny and I usually don't like walking hand in hand, but I certainly didn't mind this hottie immediately warming up to me :) and I didn't miss a beat either. I felt smooth and calm and relaxed as we walked hand-in-hand toward the restaurant.

    I wanted to take her to one of my favorite restaurants, but when we arrived, there was no table available, but I had secured reservations as a Plan B option at a nearby restaurant, easily within walking distance. When I mentioned this, she was pleasantly surprised and mentioned how much she liked the Plan B restaurant. So score points for me!

    While we were being seated at our booth, she invited me to sit right next to her, and for nearly the whole time she kino'd me: during the majority of our dinner she had her hand resting on my thigh, and several times she motioned her hair and body close to me. On one occasion, while commenting about our delicious meal, she said, "I'm glad my legs are crossed right now." So she was definitely NOT shy!

    She Uber'd there and back (she had 2 drinks), and declined my invite to drive her home. When the Uber arrived we kissed (nice kiss but not very intense or sensual), and when she entered the backseat of the car I leaned in and got another quick peck. She asked me to message her when I got home, something I normally won't do, but I did it, and she messaged me right back, thanking me for a great night.

    Still, though: She hasn't offered her telephone number, and I spent way too much money ($157.00 with tip). Tremedous desire and attraction on my part, but I'll continue hoping for the best and expecting the worst.

    I'll back off the next day or two and see if she initiates conversation. I really like her and I want to see what can happen, but I also feel like she gets tons of dates and that she may have used me for a one-night free meal. Online dating is like that: women are into you minute then go ghost the next. This woman has first dibs, though. Whenever she may want to get together I will make it happen.

    Maine Girl: Seems really into me. She accepted date #2 for next SAT at the beach. I'm going to invite her to my place en route to meeting at the beach. She texted me this morning, wishing me a good day.

    J-Girl:
    I question if FRI is going to happen. She never texts or calls me. I do all of that, and it makes me question her interest in me.

    Daisy Girl:
    Announced she is divorcing and is looking for a place to live.

    DC Girl: "When are you coming to Tampa?"

    NH Girl: She was quiet yesterday.
     
    Last edited: Feb 25, 2020
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  2. Espi1971

    Espi1971 Fapstronaut

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    Short term goals that I will accomplish by SUN March 1st:

    Check my account balance
    Finish my taxes
    Go grocery shopping
    Open my own auto insurance policy
    Renew driver's license
     
    Last edited: Feb 25, 2020
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  3. Espi1971

    Espi1971 Fapstronaut

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    130 days hardmode

    Battling a minor cold this morning, so I used that as an excuse to call in sick to work today. I haven't called in sick in years, because I very rarely ever feel sick. I suspect that quitting alprazolam leads to flu-like symptoms. Every time I tapered I swear I would get a runny nose, cough, etc.

    Anyway, I'm going to use this day to rest and get shit done: check my account balance, renew my driver's license, get my taxes done, open my own automobile insurance policy.
     
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  4. Espi1971

    Espi1971 Fapstronaut

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    Dating hopper is really humming now. Good thing I'm resting today. This weekend's forecast is looking good, and I feel like sex is near. Feeling some stress about money and time. It might get really challenging trying to fit all 3 women into one weekend (not implying having sex with all 3 though).

    GI: Messaged me her phone # this morning. Today I will explore activities for another date with her this weekend. I'll try not to bend over backwards planning this second date. She easily owns the top position of my interests, and if she wants to see me SAT I will ask Maine Girl to meet SUN. No lies or bullshit. No exceptions.

    J-Girl: I texted her this morning, confirming that the horse show date is still on for FRI at 12:30. She texted back confirming. I'm actually surprised. It's on! So there could be sex happening on FRI. But she has a history of cancelling dates, often on the day of, so I'm remaining cautiously optimistic.

    Maine Girl: Has texted me every morning and we talked last night. Very strong overall connection. She sent me a very seductive photo of herself last night after our phone conversation (no nudity), proving her passion and skill for sporting sexy Halloween costumes. Date set for SAT, though no time or specific activity has been set yet. I'm going to invite her to park her car at my apartment complex and then I will drive us to the undisclosed venue. High probability that the date could end in sex. She seems to be eager to meet for whatever. I may take her to the beach for sunset, but right now I'm leaning toward an afternoon movie followed by dinner then perhaps an invite back to my apartment. The weather is supposed to be cold SAT so it would be great to have this women snuggling next to me.
     
    Last edited: Feb 25, 2020
  5. Espi1971

    Espi1971 Fapstronaut

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    Goal 4. Pursue a long-term relationship.

    GI:
    2nd date set for 6:30 PM SUN 3/1.

    So I now have three dates with three different women scheduled this weekend:

    Lunch Friday with J-Girl at 2 pm. I have no idea what's on this woman's mind, and I have no idea how things will go.

    Saturday with Maine Girl (time and event to be determined). She seems really into me. Feels to me like I can end my no "O" streak with her on SAT. I could be wrong though. Nevertheless, I like her, and I imagine us having fun together, no matter what we end up doing (or NOT doing).

    Concert with GI. The good vibes continue. I may forgo having sex with J Girl and Maine Girl because I don't want to squander a potential long-term connection with GI.

    Though I am jumping to conclusions, and though GI may cancel our second date, I do see potential to take things to a higher level, and I feel like I would endanger that if I were to have sex with J-Girl and/or Maine Girl this weekend. GI may want to have a "sex talk" soon, and if I reveal that I had sex recently (and I will answer 100% honestly, just as I would expect of her), she may reject me, knowing that I had sex while dating GI.

    Undeniably, GI is interested in me. At least beyond a free meal LOL. Again this sounds corny, but this woman is filling my heart and mind with good vibes. I am attracted to her inside and out. By far the most attractive woman I've ever dated, inside and out.

    I don't know much about this woman, yet, at the risk of sounding presumptuous, I feel like there's a connection, and that there is potential for us to be happy together.
     
    Last edited: Feb 26, 2020
  6. Espi1971

    Espi1971 Fapstronaut

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    131 days hardmode

    Rough night's rest last night. My throat was sore and I was coughing uncontrollably, twisting and turning many times throughout the night. Headache, too.

    Was really worried that I had bronchitis, but I feel like I am starting to get better. So I'm gonna head back to work today.

    Really enjoyed my day off yesterday. I managed to accomplish 5 goals: checked my account balance; renewed my driver's license; got my car washed and detailed (and chatted with Hulk Hogan for a few minutes); bought a Fixd Sensor; and, went grocery shopping.

    I thoroughly enjoyed my day off. Felt relaxed, happy, at ease, and totally connected to others.

    My new driver's license photo confirms that my facial structure has changed. I LIKE the guy in the photo. My jaw line and chin area is lean and more angular and more pronounced; my eyes are significantly more vibrant; my smile looks genuine. I just look like a really happy guy.

    I waited patiently at the DMV, and I chatted with the DMV clerk; I chatted with people at the car wash; the female clerk at Best Buy said, "Have a nice day my friend," and several people approached me at the grocery store yesterday, making comments about my grocery cart (i.e. "Do you own a restaurant?" and "That's the protein cart!").
     
  7. Espi1971

    Espi1971 Fapstronaut

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    Taking the next 2 days off from the gym. Last workout was SAT. Need to rest up for a potentially very adventerous and fun weekend.
     
  8. Espi1971

    Espi1971 Fapstronaut

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    Women everywhere now, coming from all different directions. I've stopped searching profiles and responding to occasional "likes" from women on match.com. I've reached my juggling limit.

    J-Girl: I am increasingly losing interest. Internet searched her yesterday and she appears to be in her late 60s (though she is STILL hot as hell and looks to be 15-20 years younger). If Daisy Girl wants to meet tomorrow, I'll cancel the date with J-Girl.

    Maine Girl: texting me every morning and every evening. I am calling tonight to propose agenda for SAT: I will invite her to drive to my apt. complex; then I will drive us to a matinee movie followed by late lunch/dinner at a local restaurant. Then, depending on how things are going, I will invite her to back to my place for the first possible sexual encounter I've have had in almost a year.

    GI: I'll call tonight. Still my #1 interest. Not sure she's as interested in me though. She is tough to read and hard to get on the telephone. Date 2 scheduled for SUN though.

    Daisy Girl: announced that she is divorcing her husband. Plans to move out on March 1st. Texted me last night: "Are you still interested in dating me?" She knows about my 3 dates this weekend and my desire/leaning toward sex on SAT with Maine Girl. She is thinking about coming to my place tomorrow. Could be sex. I told her I want sex but it's not required and that I am indeed interested in dating her no matter what.

    Mary (from entry on 2/16): texted me out of the blue this morning, asking why I've been avoiding her. Invited to meet her for a coffee at Starbucks SUN afternoon, so it could be a 4-date weekend, and this is my limit. I literally have no time for another woman!
     
    Last edited: Feb 27, 2020
  9. Espi1971

    Espi1971 Fapstronaut

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    133 days hardmode

    Date with J-Girl today. Picking her up at her place at 12:45. I am actually looking forward to seeing her, and having a good time. No sex required. I'm OK with whatever happens.

    For the 1st time in my 6 years knowing this woman, I will be sober, honest, and sexually abstained. Will she be the one today who ends my streak? Will I be able to perform?

    I get the feeling that today is the first real date as my "new self."

    Cannot wait to see what happens this weekend.
     
  10. Espi1971

    Espi1971 Fapstronaut

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    Status on other women:

    Maine Girl: she missed my call last night but texted late (midnight), apologizing for missing my call. She also texted me this morning wishing me a Happy Friday and looking forward to talking later. I responded to her texts this morning: "No worries and looking forward to talking later." The cynical, guarded side of me suspects that she was out on a date (which I'm actually OK with that). Anyway the potential challenge here is that I may not be able to call if I'm with J-Girl tonight. But I see myself being able to handle this. Not worried or that concerned at all.

    GI: I called last night, and as I suspected, my call went to VM (her voice greeting sounds HOT). I didn't leave a VM but I texted, letting her know that I was thinking about her. To her credit she texted me back 30 minutes later, advising that she was having dinner with friends. I wished her a great night. I'm getting mixed signals from this woman. And I feel marginalized and challenged by this woman. She's "hot and cold." I had to pursue her quite a bit just to get her on a date with me, but once I got her out on a date, she was ultra-romantic, adoring, touchy-feely...like she was my GF. This "hot and cold" cycle now seems to be repeating: it's hard to get her attention. She is either moving slowly or she is just not very interested in me. So I'm really not 100% convinced that the 2nd date will happen. Next contact will be via text late SAT morning: "Are we still on?" Anything less than "yes" and I'll cancel. If the date happens, it will be interesting to see if she wants me to pick her up at her place or if she wants to meet me at the concert. She claims never drives if she's drinking...even of it's just one drink.

    Daisy Girl: sending mixed messages. One day she's getting divorced and looking for an apartment; the next day she's thinking about staying with her husband. She's just not able to leave her unhappy marraige. I'm actually OK with that, though. Whatever she decides. I have nothing to hide from her, so she knows where I stand.

    Mary: she is definitely a woman I am adding to my dating hopper. She declined my Sunday afternoon invite but she readily apologized and asked for a raincheck. I suggested that we text/chat this week, then set up a date for the following weekend. She's totally on board with that.
     
    Last edited: Feb 28, 2020
  11. Espi1971

    Espi1971 Fapstronaut

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    Sigh...dating world is crazy.

    J-Girl out. She's just not for me. I blocked her number and deleted all call and text history.

    Cost of date with tip: $70.00
     
    Last edited: Feb 28, 2020
  12. Espi1971

    Espi1971 Fapstronaut

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    134 days hardmode

    Tough day yesterday but I survived. And, at least I'm moving forward, identifying and eliminating negative people from my life, and identifying and choosing how I will adapt to major change.

    Documenting so that hopefully I can release some stress and perhaps learn and reflect and strategize.

    I am also documenting to remember why I am eliminating negativity from my life and how I am choosing to react to major life changes.

    Date with J-Girl started off nicely enough. I picked her up and she looked fantastic. Felt great to be with her.

    We got to the restaurant at the horse track and we were even seated at a table overlooking the track, and we seemed to be enjoying lunch until she found out a few more lies that I used to tell in my past life (I am now 100% honest and speak the truth, always. No exceptions).

    After that the date went south quickly.

    She drank two margaritas during lunch, and began interrogating me with annoying questions, repeating bits of advice to me over and over again, raising her voice in the crowded restaurant, dropping plenty of f-bombs for added effect. I felt angry and embarrased and I asked the server (who tended to dissapear for long periods of time...he got the minimum 15% tip) to bring the check.

    It turned out to be a long lunch LOL

    After lunch we very briefly explored the track. She continued with her interrogation-advice-f bombs and seemed determined to annoy me and everyone else at the track. I just wanted to end the date and drive her back home. I dropped her off at around 5 pm and loathed her scent, which resonated until this morning, when I finally took a (hot) shower and scrubbed her odor off of me. For good.

    I am looking forward to removing her scent and glitter from the passenger seat of my car this morning because Maine Girl will be riding with me later this afternoon, in the same seat where J-Girl sat, exactly 24 hours earlier.

    Note: I have noticed that after a few dissapointing dates and work-related news that I chose to feel an acute sense of anger and depression. I also thought about reaching out to my ex-wife for advice. I must continue resisting this. I divorced my ex-wife for compelling reasons. I am moving forward now no matter what. I can and will succeed without her.

    ***

    To make matters worse, while driving her back home, in heavy traffic, my mentor, a man with whom I've worked since 2017, called me. I didn't answer, and I definitely didn't appreciate his calling me on my day off, and I suspected that the news was about work, and that the news likely wasn't good.

    I finally dropped off J-Girl and called my mentor, who informed me that I was being moved to another sales team. I now have a new boss, and new teammates.

    Also, my manager told me, on top of the 4 people who were laid off on Wednesday, another 16 people were laid off on Friday. This includes executives and sales people. Also, several workers' titles and responsibilities were changed.

    So work continues to be a major challenge.

    In my 5 years at this company I've seen 3 CEOs come and ago. Lots of people quit. Lots of other people terminated.

    In my opinion I work for a company that pretends to be a family, but I am discovering that it's just another sales job. It is a place that is very cutthroat and competitive, and if you aren't willing to play the game by their rules then you're likely out.

    However, I must admit that I am not dissapointed to hear about the ones who laid off. In my opinion such changes were needed. I am scared by the layoffs, but I am not necessarily opposed to them.

    So anyway I'm being severely tested at work now. I feel like I am going to fail because I hate my new teammates, and they hate me. There are people on this new "team" to whom I've never spoken in my entire 5 years with the company. I've always dismissed them as mediocre fatass lazy Americans. Now they are chomping at the bit, ready to crucify me. They hate me and my fit body and my insolance and my success.

    I hate my mentor for trading me.

    I feel like a slave.

    I hate being traded.

    I hate feeling like a commodity.

    I hate their birthday celebrations and their fat bodies filled with birthday cakes and Friday donuts.

    But perhaps worst of all, and hardest of all, I choose to act as if I am unaffected by this change. My attitude will be, "Just another day at work."

    And I have always refused to participate in gossip. I won't have any of it. I won't listen to it. I never have in the past, and I am not goung to start now.

    The hardest part will be keeping my mind and heart focused on my job.

    Not sure if I have it in me this time though.

    Right now I feel like I am 99.9% sure I will quit.

    But I have underestimated myself in the past.

    We'll see.

    I can play the "heavy" role quite well. I think this is key. Come in with my loose-ball work ethic and a "love-me hate-me don't-give-a-fuck" attitude.

    Yep that's the key.

    NOTE:

    I am proud of myself. I am now 10 days free of alprazolam. I have taken only one 5 mg. tablet of Valium in the past 10 days, but still, I am very proud of myself. I have felt anger and rage, and I have thrown stuff around in my apartment, and I have slammed stuff, but I haven't given in and taken alprazolam. That takes discipline and courage and will.
     
    Last edited: Feb 29, 2020
  13. Espi1971

    Espi1971 Fapstronaut

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    Dating hopper is filled to the brim now. I am definitely feeling a lot of job-related stress now, and my drug of choice is pursuing and dating women.

    Maine Girl: On for today at 2. She accepted my invite to drive to my apt. complex. Point blank: will proceed with sex tonight if the opportunity arises.

    3 dates scheduled for tomorrow (yes 3!)
    2 pm slot with K-Girl (drink date only)

    4 pm slot with Mexico Girl (drink date only)

    630 PM concert with GI (confirmed)

    Also, 11 am call scheduled this morning with Fitness Girl (8.0/killer body). Insane but I might try to squeeze her in for later tonight (and willingly forgo sex with Maine Girl) or early tomorrow. She advised that this is her "free weekend": no kids. Bery beautiful woman, one whom I've pursued on match for years, but I am not convinced she's an ideal fit. But why not try?

    4 potential dates in one day?? Man I must be crazy.

    Gonna have to watch my mindset and especially my drinking tomorrow.

    Wild weekend ahead.
     
    Last edited: Feb 29, 2020
  14. Espi1971

    Espi1971 Fapstronaut

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    Goal 7. Repair vehicle.

    I'm officially revising this goal:

    Goal 7: Clear check engine light on vehicle

    STATUS 2/29/2020:
    Bought a Fixd sensor on Tuesday and this morning I loaded the app and installed the scanner into my vehicle's OBD II port. Code # P14A3. I then clicked the "Clear Check Engine Light" and the device advised that it might take a few miles before the check engine light dissapears. Hopefully it goes away soon. I'll give it 100 miles. If it doesn't clear them I'm going to return the device to Best Buy.

     
  15. Espi1971

    Espi1971 Fapstronaut

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    Update:

    Fitness Girl: out. Nice conversation but a bit too "religious" for me. We ended the conversation respectfully agreeing that we're not ideal mates.

    Kind of glad really. The date hopper schedule is insane right now.

    So now I know that there are only 4 women to juggle this weekend LOL
     
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  16. Espi1971

    Espi1971 Fapstronaut

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    Maine Girl, out. Not sure what I was thinking to begin with. How was I ever attracted to this woman? Nice girl, but definitely not my type.

    Went and seen a movie together and dinner was supposed to follow, but right after the movie I informed the dear lady that I was heading back home.

    Honesty sucks but it's a beautiful thing.

    I'm much pickier than I used to be. And I know that's a GOOD thing.

    In the meantime I'm spending another Saturday alone, sitting on my sofa, watching TV.

    Total cost of movie date: $40.00
     
    Last edited: Mar 1, 2020
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  17. Espi1971

    Espi1971 Fapstronaut

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    135 days hardmode

    J-Girl
    left a minute-long VM, apologizing and advising a medical issue on her part. I deleted the VM. Moving forward.
     
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  18. Espi1971

    Espi1971 Fapstronaut

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    So here's the dating breakdown this weekend. I'll give it a C-minus.

    Fri 02/28 J-Girl, out.

    She looked hot, thought it might be a great afternoon, but she drank 2 margaritas and started acting weird and annoying, especially after she asked, and I told, 2 things about myself which I had lied to her in the past. Date went south quicky and I hastily drove her home and wished her a good evening. When I got gome I blocked her # then deleted all call and text history. That night she left a long VM, apologizing for drinking, and advising that she has a medical condition of which I am unaware. I deleted her inbound call history and voicemail. Not calling her back. Ever.

    Summary: although it was depressing for a day or so following the date, and although I knew this woman for 6 years, I now feel OK about putting her behind me. I'm actually proud of myself. I was 100% honest, never came close to losing my temper, and I never thought about selling myself out for sex. Also, I don't have to wonder about her real age. Done. Check.

    SAT 02/29, Maine Girl, out.
    Feel bad somewhat. She was so nice. Second date was brief, though. I ended it prematurely, and at the worst time. She was conveying a story in which she was dumped. Somehow in my eyes she went from looking like a 7 last Saturday to a 6 this Saturday. And I am being generous.

    Summary: Again I'm proud of myself. Rather than suffer through a date with someone whom I'm not attracted, I simply ended it, and I ended the date cleanly, succintly, and non-apologetically. Was relieved when the date ended, and I have zero guilt about it. I was much happier spending SAT night alone, sitting on my sofa watching TV.

    3/1/2020 K-Girl 2 pm
    Nice first date. More to come about this one. Best kiss I've had in a very long time. 7.

    3/1/2020 MexiGirl 4 pm
    Great time. Another nice first date. Hopefully I'll get another date. 7.

    3/1/2020 GI, out
    Date scheduled for 630. She cancelled, via text, at 530, citing the flu. I waited about 15 minutes then responded, "Ok." Then I deleted all call and text history. I forgot to block her number but I will remember to do so if/when she texts again. She texted once more, apologizing and advising that she may infect me BLAH BLAH BLAH. The worst thing is I spent $150.00 on dinner last week. Oh well. Price of learning. Again I am very proud of myself. In this case, I am proud that I refused to accept her cancelling on me, even if she is an 8.5 on the lookscale. I have boundaries, and nobody is allowed to violate them.
     
    Last edited: Mar 2, 2020
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  19. Espi1971

    Espi1971 Fapstronaut

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    136 days hardmode

    Back to work today. Gonna be interesting for sure. Key is to keep my mouth shut, focus on my job, and avoid gossip. Respect-humility-patience. I've had the past 4 days off yet it feels like I was just there yesterday.

    Back to gym today. 9 days since I last trained. Probably gonna do deads.
     
    Last edited: Mar 3, 2020
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  20. Espi1971

    Espi1971 Fapstronaut

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    Trained this evening. 9 days out of the gym, and man did those days fly by!

    Slept well the past few nights so I think I'm over my cold.

    Anyway, trained in the outdoor section of my gym:

    Pushups (100)
    Jumpropes (500)
    Reverse crunches (100)...still haven't mastered these. Didn't feel enough burn.

    4 supersets, deadlifts and farmer's carries

    Pushups (100)
    Jumpropes (500)
    Reverse crunches (60) still haven't mastered these. Didn't feel enough burn.

    Kind of cool outside so I didn't sweat as much as I wanted, but it was still a good workout.
     
    Last edited: Mar 3, 2020
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