Essential Book Reviews

I want to write brief reviews of the books I have read and found useful. I will try to describe specific ways in which these books have helped me.

My first book is:
“The Feeling Good Handbook” by David D. Burns, M.D.

I wish this was the very first book I have ever read about self-improvement. Burns presents a revolutionary approach to psychological self-treatment called “cognitive therapy.”
“The premise of cognitive therapy is that only your thoughts, and not actual events, upset you.”
Burns teaches how to use our own brains to change the way we feel and become happy. Burns lists all the kinds of twisted thinking and then shows different ways how to untwist our thinking. There are plenty of good examples of real clients he has worked with.

Burns also teaches effective communication skills. He teaches both how to Listen and Express yourself which are essential skills especially for “nice guys.” He also teaches about the unhelpful attitudes that prevent us from both listening to our loved ones and also expressing our feelings instead of acting on them. Overall, all these techniques really help to overcome our shortsighted egos to become more easygoing, more assertive, more joyful and more happy.

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I have tried it, and it works. The most helpful for me was to recognize my twisted thoughts and then engage “countermeasures” to dissolve them. For example, I still suffer sometimes from “all-or-nothing” (“black-and-white”) thinking or perfectionism. But now whenever this happens, I engage the “shades-of-gray” countermeasure. Instead of thinking: “if this is a partial failure, then it is a complete failure”, I now think “if this is a partial failure, then it is a partial success as well.”

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You can also think on the scale of 1 to 100% – how much do you rate the failed part? 5%? 10%? Then it is at least 90-95% success! So, accept this “good enough” instead of perfect now! Always see the glass half-full, never half-empty. I used this technique a lot when thinking about my life, my wife, my marriage, my health (I got cancer two months after I got married). I spent so much time, effort and money to make everything perfect and nothing ever turned out to be perfect! Do you think I actually want to bust my ass to make everything perfect now that I got a second chance to live?

Here is another example. For a long time I suffered from retroactive jealousy, perfectionism and aversion toward my wife and sex because of her sexual past. FYI, from what she told me there was nothing scary in her past – she just had sex with a single boyfriend before me. But that is not really the point – what she told is just that: words. She kept her relationship in secret, no one I know has even seen him, few have even heard of him, so she succeeded in having fun, trying a relationship and also preserving her reputation of a good girl. BTW, here is another example that “a good girl is a bad girl who had not been caught.” Alright, she made me: if her past was important to me, why didn’t I ask her before falling in love and dating her? Fine, lesson learned: either ask ASAP about things that matter to you or never ask at all.

Here is how I used countermeasures to overcome (not get rid off completely!) my jealousy and disgust/squeamishness over my wife’s sexual past. I used the “double standard technique” which should really be called the “single standard technique.” The idea of this technique is to talk to yourself in a compassionate way as you would to a friend. If your friend made a mistake, you would not put him down harshly, would you? Then why would you do it to yourself? Are you not your own best friend?

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Because my problem was jealousy and aversion, I modified this technique slightly so that I would no longer think of her ex-bf as my competitor (who won a one-in-a-lifetime trophy that I can never) but instead think of him as my friend or a pal. So, I imagine that he just got a chance to be with her first. No big deal. He could not keep her, though, could he? So, he could not have something that was not his. Same with me, I could not lose what was not mine. He had his chance, then I had my chance. In fact, maybe, she even used him as “a test run” before committing to me. Either way, whatever experiences we both had with her belong to, what I call, “male commonwealth,” and we both gave her pleasure and made her happy, and that makes me happy as well.

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So, yes, her bf was different than me but he was not any better or worse than me. Yes, she had unprotected sex with him because she trusted him to be an honest healthy man (otherwise, why would she date him anyway?). But she also had unprotected sex with me as well after a few months of dating but before we both got tested for STD’s. Of course, it is stupid to have sex w/o condoms before getting tested. It is stupid no matter how you look at it because a lot of diseases don’t have obvious symptoms. Plus, you can never completely trust another person to be faithful.

Anyway, if I am not squeamish of putting my dick inside her vagina, of my jizz on her skin, then why should I be squeamish of his dick and his jizz? I shouldn’t! All men are brothers and all women are sisters. Plus, let’s not romanticize women and put pussies on the pedestal - pussies are actually dirtier than dicks. All the secretions, bacteria, yeasts, menstrual blood (and I am talking about normal healthy vaginas) are easily dirtier and nastier than semen. If anything, men should just take the pussy off the pedestal, and should protect their own dicks by avoiding any risks. Again, my friend, your dick is cleaner than her pussy, so “don’t be silly, bag your willy!”

 

The second book I would like to review “Meditations” by Marcus Aurelius.

I think this is the quintessential book to read for all men. Aurelius was an emperor and a very wise man. He begins his book by thanking all the people who helped him grow as a man. Most of his book is made of separate paragraphs describing the wisdoms he has learned. If you think your life is tough, you should read this book and his biography as well to put things in perspective.

Here are some of the wisdoms that have helped me a lot.

“By focusing on those things that are within his power – his own will and perception – and detaching himself from the things that are not – health, death, the actions of others, natural disasters, and so on – he attains the inner peace of the wise and just man.”
“He has within him such thoughts that by looking into them he is immediately in perfect tranquility.”

“But death and life, honor and dishonor, pain and pleasure – all these things equally happen to good men and bad, being things which make us neither better nor worse. Therefore they are neither good nor evil.”

“There is nothing either good or bad, but thinking makes it so.” “All is opinion.”
“Take away your opinion, and then there is taken away the complaint, ‘I have been harmed.’ Take away the complaint, ‘I have been harmed,’ and the harm is taken away.”
“Consider that everything is opinion, and opinion is in your power. Take away then, when you choose, your opinion, and like a mariner who has rounded the headland, you will find calm, everything stable, and a waveless bay.”


Here is the most important wisdom that helped me to come to terms with getting sick with cancer.

“I am unhappy, because this has happened to me.”
Not so: say, “I am happy, though this has happened to me, because I continue free from pain, neither crushed by the present nor fearing the future.” For such a thing as this might have happened to every man; but every man would not have continued free from pain on such an occasion. Why then is that rather a misfortune than this a good fortune? And do you in all cases define as misfortune that which is not a deviation from man’s nature? And does a thing seem to you to be a deviation from man’s nature if it is not contrary to the will of man’s nature? Well, you know the will of nature.
Will this that has happened prevent you from being just, magnanimous, temperate, prudent, secure against inconsiderate opinions and falsehood; will it prevent you from having modesty, freedom, and everything else, by the presence of which man’s nature obtains all that is its own?
Remember, too, on every occasion that leads you to vexation to apply this principle: not that this is a misfortune, but to bear it nobly is good fortune.”

“Do not then consider life a thing of any value. For look to the immensity of time behind you and to the time that is ahead of you, another boundless space. In this infinity, then, what is the difference between him who lives three days and him who lives three generations?”

“Consider yourself to be dead, and to have completed your life up to the present time; and live, according to nature, the remainder that is allowed you.”

“When you have assumed these names – good, modest, truthful, rational, a man of equanimity, and magnanimous – take care that you do not change these names; and if you should lose them, quickly return to them. And remember that the term ‘rational’ was intended to signify a discriminating attention to every object and freedom from negligence; and that ‘equanimity’ is the voluntary acceptance of the things that are assigned to you by the common nature; and that ‘magnanimity’ is the elevation of the intelligent part above the pleasurable or painful sensations of the flesh, and above that poor thing called fame, and death, and all such things.”

This book is not easy to read and you will find yourself re-reading the paragraphs many times. Still, this book will help you become more stoic, more like a real man.

 

This time I want to review several books by Dr. Brenda Shoshanna, a real giant in the Zen Buddhist world. I have found pretty much all her books very helpful. I like her books primarily because of the emphasis on applying Buddhism to relationships – something that monks like Dalai Lama cannot do.

The first book I want to recommend is “The Zen road to happiness: Simple steps to attaining peace of mind.” This book is in a conventional format and goes through all the main Zen Buddhist ideas.

What is Zen?
The “foundation where happiness and well-being become permanent, no matter what external conditions prevail.”
“Zen is a lifelong practice of returning to yourself, day by day, hour by hour, breath by breath.”

What is Happiness?
“Unless we base our sense of identity upon the truth of who we are, it is impossible to attain true happiness. When we base our lives upon values we have respect for, and behave in ways which are meaningful to us, no external rejection can derail us. Who we are is in our own hands. In fact, we are a constant work in progress that we can and must attend to daily.”
“Is it wise to base our lives and happiness upon that which can easily be taken away?”
(This also touches upon Rejection – a topic to which a whole chapter is dedicated. I will get into that below.)

Can we avoid pain and aversion?
“It is a law of life that what we resist, we also draw to us. That which we feel a strong aversion to, is bound to appear in our lives. It cannot be any other way. All of life exists for us to experience it, and to bless it by our acceptance. Escape, avoidance and other forms of self-protection are only illusions. In the practice of happiness, we must learn to greet the entire world.”

(This really taught me that it is impossible to avoid everything that seems disgusting to me. I learned how to draw boundaries and challenge my views. The trick is to find the right balance where fewer things (e.g. about relationships and sex) disgust me while at the same realizing that I am not superman. I cannot handle everything – a real man is not someone who knows and can handle everything – only Buddha and Zen masters are like that. Nor is a real man someone who lives like the “three monkeys” (see/hear/speak no evil). A real man is somewhere in between. For example, I can handle everything I already know about my wife’s past, but I have explicitly asked her not to tell me any more details about her past or her friends’ private lives and other stuff like that. I know better now to keep my curiosity and her desire to share in check.)

What is Anger?
“Anger arises simply out of ignorance of reality. Fuelled by fantasy about who we are, what we are due, and who the other is...”
“This anger we are harboring is destroying our own happiness, health, clarity, peace, relationships, creativity, happiness and overall wellbeing. The best gift you can give yourself is a diet from anger, one kind each day.”
(Dr. S has a good section on Anger in this book, plus she has another book entirely dedicated to Anger – “The Anger Diet.”)

What is Thankfulness?
“The medicine that cures all pain, allows to sleep well at night, wake up refreshed and filled with enthusiasm for your daily tasks.”
“One thing is impossible – to be upset and grateful at the same time.”
(Dr. S explains the Naikan practice – a mental practice designed to balance the mind’s constant complaining about the injustices and deprivations we have suffered.)

Is solitude bad?
“How many lives are run by the fear of being alone, how few are at ease by themselves, how often we seek the company of others compulsively, to escape what’s going on in our lives.”
“Even though you sit next to others, you must find out what it means to be alone and experience your aloneness through and through. As you do, you may realize that aloneness is not loneliness. In fact, it is the opposite.”
“When we can truly become a member of the universe, wherever we go, with whomever we are with, we are always at home.”

“How to Reject Rejection?”
“Are these feelings (of rejection) truly caused by the behavior of another, or is it because this individual does not feel good about themselves?
When an individual has solid self-esteem, another person’s behavior cannot shake his basic confidence or feeling of worthiness.”
(My motto: “I am not the worst nor the best who has walked the Earth.”)

How to develop confidence and self-esteem:
1. Realize that the way a person treats you says more about them than about you.

2. Stop taking rejection personally (“If you are being rejected a lot, take time to notice the ways in which you reject others. Then stop it. Turn it around. Look for what is good or right about the person or situation in front of you. Look for what is good and right about yourself.”)

3. Do not look for the faults of others (“Loneliness and upset in our relationships comes from searching other’s faults. We also project our own fault upon others as well.”)

4. Make an inventory of your strong points. (“The more we value, like and appreciate ourselves, the less we’ll look for the faults of others.” – If you have a solid self-esteem, you will not seek out partners who are even bigger “losers” like you. This is a mistake that I have made more than once – I picked women who I thought were even bigger losers than me because I thought of myself as a loser. Can you imagine my shock when I found out that they were not losers, just shy or ashamed or secretive or simply unlucky? This is a point that Dr. Glover makes about nice guys too – do not pick partners because you think they are losers who need your rescuing. Build your own self-esteem first, then you will not be afraid of relationships with other people with solid self-esteems.)


5. Choose to offer acceptance and understanding (“The more we value, like and appreciate others, the happier we will be. The experience of acceptance and oneness is what everyone desires.”
“In order to (give this) you must realize that whoever appears before you is simply another aspect of yourself.” – Deida recommends choosing a partner who complements you, not someone who looks like your clone. Of course, she will be different from you! Of course, she will think, speak, act, rationalize differently! But hey, who are you to judge, chastise, criticize those who are different? Be humble. Be genuinely curious about others. Allow them to be different, try to understand them, accept them as they are, be compassionate if they have made stupid mistakes or are just plain stupid sometimes. Being forgiving is better for yourself – you will be more relaxed, easy-going, open-hearted, happy, healthy and fulfilled.)

When will the best day of my life come?
“We realize that everyday life itself, breathing and peeling onions are sufficient in themselves.”
“Daily life itself is complete. It deserves full attention. When they do this fully, suffering is over. We are complete and content right where we are.”

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The second book by Dr. Shoshanna is “Zen and the Art of Falling in Love.” I would not say that this is the best book to start with because it is very long, thorough and many of the ideas are spread throughout her other books as well. The book is like a virtual excursion to a Zen monastery. From what I understood, Dr. S describes her own and other people’s experiences living as Zen disciples.
For me the most useful parts were about treating the past as compost for the present, about welcoming new people into my life and refusing to chase the ones who left, about being calm yet knowing when the time is right to rise up to the occasion and receive what is due to me. Overall, a great book with a great format and good vignettes.

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The third book by Dr. S is “When someone you care for is sick.” This book does not really have that much about sickness and repeats a lot of the same ideas from the other books.

“The Buddha has said that all life is suffering (dukkha).”
“According to Buddha, all pain comes from desire.” – Leaning: longing or loathing something. It never stops by itself, you have to consciously let go of perfection, expectations, anger.
Suffering from insatiable hunger (hungry ghost).
Suffering from refusing to accept our current condition (hell).
Suffering from arrogance: what I deserve, expect – life does not care about what you think.
Suffering from lack of meaning: anguish of meaninglessness – there simply is no meaning to pain, it’s just all accidental.

We “learn to see that most of the pain simply comes from resistance to what’s going on. It comes from refusing this very moment. When we stop fighting, we experience joy. Once we start fighting again, we are cramped into agony.”

“Love is wanting for the others what they want for themselves, even if we are not the one able to give it to them.”

“Usually our first response to another person is to judge, reject, or make some kind of criticism.”
“Then we wonder why we feel so alone.”

“Try to see the person you are with as beautiful. Focus upon their good points and beauty.”
“Your view of the other is always being communicated whether you want it to be or not.”
“The way in which you choose to see another person persistently will also inevitably effect how you see yourself.”

“There is no perfect moment. This is the perfect moment. Every moment is the perfect moment, and every person is the perfect one. It’s simply a matter of whether or not you are willing to love.”

“Just one moment of being present and truthful begins to dissolve much pain from the past. At every moment we have the opportunity to be the person we always wanted to be.”

“Some have a sense that things are irrevocable and that they cannot go back and change the past. Whatever happened, it’s too late. The damage has been done and cannot be repaired. This is incorrect. Everything can be repaired.
We can learn from what happened and then make the change (repair) the next time the situation comes around.
And it will. We are always being given opportunities to make things right.”

“You can start all over again right now. You must simply be willing to allow the possibilities within you to appear.”

“It is always possible to learn how to say Yes to yourself, to fulfill your own needs and desires. If you do not do this, sooner or later you demand too much from others. And, you will inevitably feel deprived, unappreciated and as if it’s impossible to go on. This sacred time spent with yourself is, in fact, the best investment you can make. It yields endless benefits throughout your life, both for yourself and those you care for.”
(I have found similar ideas with Dr. Glover and Dr. John Gray of “Mars and Venus.”
Dr. Gray says: “Ideally, in all areas of a relationship, we should not make our partners responsible for our unhappiness, but particularly with sex it is very hard to satisfy our sexual needs without betraying our partners. This is why masturbation is so important.”
So, some kind of self-satisfaction is unavoidable. Certainly, we all agree that PMO is not it! But depending on any other person for satisfaction and happiness is not feasible either.
Dr. Glover’s solution is “healthy masturbation” – for him it’s massage. I like yoga, working out, meditation, breathing exercises…)
Find your own “healthy masturbation!”)

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I have also read Dr. Shoshanna’s “Fearless: 7 principles of peace of mind.” Don’t have notes to share but I found this book helpful as well. If you are afraid or worried about anything at all, this book might help you.

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A very different kind of book by Dr. S is “Why men leave.” In this book she presents real life cases of failed relationships and marriages with the emphasis on the men’s side of the story. Each chapter describes a reason for breakup or characteristics of the men involved. For example: fear of commitment, fantasy lover, women who can’t be satisfied, trouble with the in-laws, waiting for the perfect mate etc.

I found these vignettes really informative and could identify with some of the men in the book. One lesson that I learned is that there simply is no recipe for a successful relationship! You can never be prepared or experienced enough for one, no person is ideal, no relationship is ideal. I read somewhere else that those people who have divorced and those who did not argued/fought about the same amount! So, it is obviously not the complete agreement, not the perfect match that keeps couples together. What is it then?

Dr. S teaches the “Turnaround Procedure” which “takes an individual from the world of fantasy, upset and rejection to equanimity, clarity and the ability to respect and appreciate all people just as they are. It is a fantastic procedure to use if you are serious about finding a relationship that can grow into real love.”

There are several steps in the process.
“Step 1: Separate your priorities and preferences. Know what you must have and what you can live without.”
I think this is the most important one. It took me a while to learn this: if it is a “bonus feature” but you are counting on it, then it is not a “bonus feature!” Oh, how much I have suffered over this. But it was all my fault – I did not have a clear vision in my mind because I have not completed Step 1 before looking for a woman.

Take this step very seriously. List all the traits you would like to see in your partner. Order them by descending importance. Then mark them as “must have” and “nice to have.”
Be brutally honest with yourself. Avoid perfectionism but also do not count on yourself to rise up to the occasion or overcome her undesirable qualities. I have suffered because of this too: I stuck to my future wife in hopes that eventually my confidence and self-esteem would grow. Yes, indeed, eventually it did, but not without all sorts of suffering and wasted time. Honestly, if I could go back and redo it, I am not so sure if I would bite off more than I could chew and digest at that very moment, not some future moment when I thought I would be stronger.

So, again, be honest with yourself – this “flaw” that you see in her – is it just an insignificant minor detail that you will forget tomorrow (e.g. something that every other woman has as well) or is it something really important that will bother you for years? Be honest with yourself.
The worst scenario is when the other person’s imperfection really is insignificant, but also will bother you because of your ego for years. This is what happened to me. I have been working to overcome this by overpowering my ego ever since I have met my wife. Don’t be like me – don’t waste your time – move on if you cannot handle and digest her imperfections right now.

“Realize that it is unlikely that any one individual will have every single quality you desire.”
Here are some of the important qualities: “patience, dependability, spontaneity, playfulness, flexibility, ability to provide financially, religious commitment, traditional outlook, talkative, quiet, possessive, sensual, jealous, monogamous, fun loving.”

While we are at it, I might as well add the list from Dr. Glover’s book:
Happiness, commitment to personal growth, passion, sexual assertiveness, intelligence, integrity, financial responsibility.

Again, we need to remember not to fall into the perfectionist trap. I can’t find the site where I read this, but it basically goes like this:
“Life is about taking chances. The probability of you falling in love with someone who lives up to all of your expectations is very low.”
So, there really is no choice but to reject perfectionism, embrace and cherish her just the way she is. Do not be ashamed of who you are, do not be shy to ask for what you want without getting discouraged by her rejection, her being too boring or too flirty (whatever pisses you off the most), do not lose interest in her out of resentment (both of you will naturally lose interest periodically because of hormones anyway).

There are seven other steps in the Turnaround Process. It really is difficult but worthwhile to go through them every once in a while.

This is pretty much all for now about Dr. Shoshanna’s books. Hopefully, you found my notes useful and will read the books thoroughly.
Thank you!