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Everyone I've ever viewed is a person

Discussion in 'Porn Addiction' started by That'sJustDandy, Feb 23, 2020.

  1. Inspired by a post I saw this morning. I wanted to share because I hope giving this away can help me.

    It's not a great discovery that pornstars (amateur, professional, unwilling (whether trafficked or they didn't know the pic/video was taken/shared) or anyone else we look at online are real people - with lives, families, good and bad days, fun moments and awful stress. They go through the same things others do.

    But one thing I've found in my porn use is a huge amount of disassociation between the images/videos and that fact. When I'm using, I'm not thinking about who they are, or what their life is like.

    I guess that's because thinking of these people like that wouldn't let me keep using. And that's sickening - actively dehumanising someone, or disregarding their humanity for my sexual pleasure.

    One of the worst instances I can think of is me masturbating to a pornstar who had killed herself. I was aware she had done so - I've looked at her several times over the years, so you could try and argue the first time I didn't, but post-2011, I definitely knew. But that didn't stop me looking or finishing. I still enjoyed myself, despite her having committed suicide as a result of her being in the porn industry. People like me lead to her death, but that didn't stop me.

    I also think it's worth us looking at how some of the porn physically affects people - specifically, people changing themselves physically for certain types of porn. The self-mutilation (not an unfair term for a lot of it) is really quite extensive. Parts of what I've particularly focussed on really centre around that. People making lasting, damaging changes to themselves - I wonder how vulnerable people have to be to do that. And then I'm getting off to it.

    As I typed this, I felt my sexual selfishness towards my partner come into focus - porn teaches me it's not about others and their enjoyment, just mine. It's all about me, no-one else, and anyone else is there to fulfill a function, not be another person participating.

    This has rambled on, so apologies. I'm just feeling particularly low and want to try and talk about my shameful, disgusting actions and perspectives.
     
    Last edited: Mar 29, 2020
  2. For clarity, this morning I've realised that I dehumanised my partner for my pleasure.
     
  3. Beloved98

    Beloved98 Fapstronaut

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    That's a start.

    I'll be so candid right now. My husband's use has caused me to act out in ways I would never in a MILLION YEARS have thought.

    For starters he confessed after I gave birth. My uterus wasn't fully shrunken back down to size yet, so I still had a
     
  4. Beloved98

    Beloved98 Fapstronaut

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    That's a start.

    I'll be so candid right now. My husband's use has caused me to act out in ways I would never in a MILLION YEARS have thought.

    For starters he confessed after I gave birth. My uterus wasn't fully shrunken back down to size yet, so I still had a tummy.

    My husband's hateful behaviour came into full effect, I think so after he quit/tried. I still don't know if it was his quiting or struggling that was causing the anger. I thought he was struggling with gaming, which he often supplemented. According to him...

    Fast forward....

    Our days have been an utter nightmare. Hollywood couldn't write our highs or lows.
    But it sure could glorify them....

    I've jumped on him and harrassed him. "Am I not enough?! I'm not slutty enough??"

    What better way than to slay a man's masculinity. That's why he chose porn. A hatred for women. By his confession...completely wrong, but this is what came out of my staggering wounded heart.

    *lost my tummy. Down to 112....except, during our fights....husband tears me into pieces....doesn't like skinny girls. Although if I was heavier, I'm sure he'd think I was too fat. It's always a self-deluding standard isn't it?

    I've done things with him I didn't want to. Now...I'm really low....and so is he. He doesn't feel better. Were not closer. Were still broken.

    I'm tanner, thinner, even more needy sexually that ever thinking he's this beast that I don't get to have.

    Half the night I curl up crying in a ball on the floor. He has satisfied himself to just speaking to me however...calling me a wh*re, a sl*t.

    Meanwhile I look at myself in the mirror and think....you know what? I could really someone to appreciate me and treat me better. What am I doing?? I'm not ugly, but daily I feel so not good enough.

    But that's the problem isn't it? The porn industry hates women. Beauty does not equal love....

    So the other night my husband gets on his rants...his rage, anger, rants....

    "I hate you more than anyone. You're my early grave. You're my problem. Porn isn't. Stupid b*tch, go f*ck yourself. You're crazy."

    He laughs a lot too when I cry.

    So the other night I asked him to stop. He didn't. I took scissors and slit my arm three times. I haven't done this since I was 24, now 31. Not because I'm suicidal, but because it give me physical pain to think about instead of emotional.

    I'd beg to differ that most wives feel like abused porn stars. Except no one sees it. It's morbidly is not on camera and only one person gets please from it. Yet he doesn't. He hates himself the more he hates me and so it continues.

    My makeup youtube tutorials amount to tears of a clown. Sitting on the floor. I've been told I look like a Kardashian when I do my makeup....and I think, but I look like garbage...used on hated on the bathroom floor.

    My heart hurts for women caught in porn. It hurts so much....I used to love our men, and support our valiant, honorable men. Now I wonder.....where are they? Who will stand up and protect our women. Our daughters? I'm so sad that our boys are destroyed by porn who later become men that destroy.

    I'm glad you've reached this point. My husband still isn't there yet. At least I dont see...he's in destroy, deflect, detach mode. He doesn't cringe over hating women yet. I hope for our entire families sake...he gets there. It all start with men. They can build up and protect or break down and destroy. Please protect your family. Protect your eyes and heart.
     
    Last edited by a moderator: Feb 28, 2020
  5. Poseidon

    Poseidon Fapstronaut

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    How so?
     
  6. hubbawulf1234

    hubbawulf1234 Fapstronaut

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    @Beloved98 that's an intense story. Thanks for sharing. I always think back to Ecc. 9:8 "All this I saw, as I applied my mind to everything done under the sun. There is a time when a man lords it over others to his own hurt." A person dominating over another person destroys both. It's amazing to contemplate how much power we as people have to destroy one another. It's incredibly sad. I think about what YHWH thinks. How He designed us for such creation and love and all we give is destruction and hate. I pray for you and your husband. That you both may get the healing you need for the love you deserve.
     
  7. By essentially just treating her as something for my sexual pleasure.

    Sex wasn't about intimacy anymore, she was just doing things for/to me. And I wasn't giving her anything back - certainly not pleasure, but even on a basic level of human connection.

    It was just about me - the other person in the room didn't matter.
     
    Last edited: Mar 29, 2020
  8. Overforme

    Overforme Fapstronaut

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  9. Poseidon

    Poseidon Fapstronaut

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    Oh, well, don’t do that. :p
     
  10. 's some good advice right there :p

    On a serious note, it is despicable. I'm utterly ashamed.
     
  11. Poseidon

    Poseidon Fapstronaut

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    Does your lady think you’re a selfish lover? Have you talked about this with her?
     
  12. We're at a stage right now where she's not too subtle about it. Porn use has made me increasingly selfish over the years, and I've allowed it to get worse.
     
    QuiggyG likes this.
  13. Poseidon

    Poseidon Fapstronaut

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    Hmm, well I think it would be easy to be a more attentive lover. Just focus on her and what gets her off and accomplish the mission. Do that for a while and put your needs on the back burner. I think she deserves a little extra attention from you for a while.
     
  14. Our relationship is currently hanging in the balance - sex is very much off the table right now.

    In the future? Yeah, I'll take this advice, but I hope being in recovery might make me less selfish - or rather, actively working on my flaws might mitigate them. And less selfish would include sexually.
     
  15. Markthedark

    Markthedark Fapstronaut

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    Thats a start and what I feel. After all Porn is so degrading towards women.
    It is legal abuse and the people involved are also mostly vulnerable.
    I feel bad to have put my money into it, that makes me the abuser.
     
  16. Even if we've not put money in - I've not, but the and revenue, etc... And it's not good even minus the monetary side.

    I feel like an abuser in a lot of ways. It's hard to reconcile that and how I view myself.
     
  17. AfricanSunset

    AfricanSunset Fapstronaut

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    Female here, this happend to me in my marriage. Was a living hell.
     
  18. Oh my gosh, girl... that is an insane amount of abuse to accept. I don't think you deserve to stay in an abusive relationship like that. I'm curious why you are still with him? Surely abuse is an acceptable reason for divorce?
     
    Beloved98 likes this.
  19. Beloved98

    Beloved98 Fapstronaut

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    It gets worse. :/

    I would love to say....I did something right one day, or he did something right the other day.

    Truly only by the grace of God am I still here, are we still here.

    My husband joined a men's group through pure desire ministries. A ten month program, and I started pregnancy counseling. We tried marriage counseling, but our communication hinges on us addressing our own issues first.

    Oh ya, I'm pregnant again. Lol...stopping breastfeeding turned my ovary into a loaded gun. Kidding* In God's divine knowledge, He gave us a gift I was not ready for, but am recieving with thankfulness. I probably would have destroyed any hope for restoration...

    I've learned many things that I plain did NOT want to. I've self-loathed, self-pittied, focused so much on "self". I've learned how to sympathize with his battle and feel sad for my own disappointments.

    I know I biblically have "a way out", but I've also discovered how sufficient God's grace is. I've been through some terrible things, but this is the worst. I've foolishly challenged God like Job...."answer me!"

    I searched all my old journals I prayed for my future husband. They were so superficial, frankly self centered and niave. It was an eye opener.

    I've come before God in a furious struggle. And some how, against all odds, against all understanding or sense, my faith has been affirmed even more. I had to get up from the bathroom floor, the tears will stop eventually because they must. Christ must be enough..."whom do I have in Heaven but you, and on earth there is nothing I desire but you", and so He is.

    We/I have brought all of this and more before our Pastor and elders. Even my recent cutting episode has been brought before them as humiliating as that was. Even now as our Pastor is stuck in England, we update him on everything and I'm so grateful we have their prayers over every awful detail. I'm relieved everything is exposed in the light so I don'thave to save face. So when I do smile or rejoice at seeing someone--I so mean it. And those close to us know it. I had to examine myself, either my faith has been a sham, or I am a vessel of mercy fit for every good work. And so I keep on keeping on!

    My strength this day has been renewed. I can eat food around my husband without wanting to spit it out or put it down and walk away. I can think about his confessions and still be able to eat. I can forgive him again and again and again and believe..."Ok Father, I know your Word, and I've come back to it with certainty. It is a fearful thing to fall into the hands of a living God. I trust you." As I'm obedient to Christ, my husband is accountable to Him under His correction and chastisement. I could believe that and forgive anyone on the planet who betrayed me. But the level of betrayal from my husband had tested my faith so deeply to doubt God's purposes in my life. Doubt of God's provision made it excruciating to let go.

    I'm reading up on the roots of this addiction, and prepping myself for the hard parts. I'm not holding my breath for my husband to be what I want him to be either. I'm also not concerning myself with what I think he wants me to be anymore.

    Just one day at a time. Thankful for all I have in Him.
     
    jeffmbaptist and That'sJustDandy like this.
  20. I'm glad God is teaching you some good things through this, and it's good to be humble and remember we are all flawed. But I really hope you aren't excusing the abuse because you've also done some selfish things or something.

    Idk. Of course you need to follow whatever God is telling you to do. I'm just kind of shocked that you would stay with someone who is spitting on you, calling you names, saying he hates you, and consistently abusing you often and laughing about how much it hurts you. Yes, Jesus is enough, but that doesn't mean you have to stay with someone who is treating you like garbage. Jesus can still be enough if you remove yourself and your kids from that situation.

    But again, you need to do whatever God is telling you to do. I would never want to advise someone not to follow God just because God's plan looks strange to me. I don't know what God has spoken to you, but I'm just concerned that you are tolerating this abuse not because God has called you to do that, but for other reasons that women don't leave abusive relationships.

    I guess I will leave that to your Pastor and others who know more about your situation to speak to. But please take care of yourself and your kids. If things were to ever get even the slightest bit physical, I would hope you would be out of there immediately, not making excuses for his actions. This whole situation just screams danger, with huge warning, flashing lights, and I'm worried you aren't seeing them clearly.
     
    Beloved98 and That'sJustDandy like this.

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