Everything Is Connected

Hello there, fellow Fapstronauts. I am a 27 year old male who has been struggling with porn addiction for the past 17 years of my life. It started when I was ten with the posters in my uncles garage and blossomed into pornography on the internet for as long as I can remember. Now it is time to release myself from the chains that have bound me.

I was a shy child. I didn't have any friends and I lived in the middle of the woods. I went on bike rides sometimes, but most of the time you could find me playing video games or looking at 'adult' websites where the only thing separating you from naked women was a banner that signified you were over 18.

I found this quite appealing and would spend most of my time looking at these girls. This was before I had even an inkling about what masturbation was. That time came around when I was 15 years old and had just received my first kiss. After I figured out the whole masturbation thing, it was on. I remember having a record of masturbating 7 times in a day that I had always tried to break. That went on until I was out of high school, and then I went into the military.

I joined the god ol' USMC where they brainwashed you in boot camp to be their killers on the front line. Of course, that wasn't me. I was a generator mechanic, so I didn't really do much other than PT and play more video games. I had 50 sexual partners in the 4 years that I was in and still had never had a relationship. There was still masturbation, still porn, and I was proud of myself for doing both those things in a range of public restrooms and other public areas.

When I got out I gained 100 pounds and was still masturbating frequently. I smoked weed, had no luck with women, played lots of video games, and acted out in public. My 'friends' at the time would continuously lie to me about everything, and then I met my current girlfriend.

I met her at our local hookah bar about a year and a half before we got together. I really enjoyed her presence because she was so damn interesting. I tried to get it in, and she denied me. I didn't talk to her for a year, but then we got to talking again when her relationship ended.

When we posted our relationship on Facebook, several mutual friends of ours told her that I was no good. She decided otherwise, after asking me about every single one of them and being mad that she didn't hear it from me. We decided to work through it, but I didn't tell her about how often I masturbated because I didn't realize it was a problem.

Around the six month mark in our relationship, she realized she had either a decreased libido, or I wasn't having sex with her that often. She thought I was cheating on her. Which I was. With my hand. I told her that she wasn't vocal enough during sex. Which was one of the triggers I have with masturbation and porn. She asked to have a break. And thats when I started going to SLAA meetings at a local church.

I should point out that we hung out every day. EVERY SINGLE ONE. For the longevity of our relationship. Even when we were on a break, we were inseparable. Except for the time every month or so when I got into my head and imagined a whole expanse of happiness without her in my life so I could be free to travel the world at will. And jerk off again. I wanted to escape back to that instead of having to deal with my problems and responsibilities. Which was my girlfriend. And not masturbating.

I stayed away from porn and masturbation for the next three months, for the most part for eight. There were blocks put on my phone from an app and I couldn't look at porn if I wanted to. When I moved in with her 8 months ago the relapses started again. Even though we were living together, the secrecy continued. I would rationalize that I wanted to see what changed about me. I would use masturbation as a way to get to sleep. Masturbation as a way to stop being anxious. Masturbation as a way to spite my girlfriend whenever we would get into a fight. Masturbation to fight boredom. Masturbation for a whole lot of reasons. It was bad, guys.

It came to a head about two weeks ago, which was when my sobriety started. My girlfriend found out I was doing it again because of my behavior. I became distant and numb and we weren't having sex. She found this website as a way for me to keep up my fight against porn and masturbation. So far, it is working. I hope that I can find ways to better cope with stress, boredom, anxiety, doubt, etc. I also want to work on having a healthy sexual relationship with my girlfriend. I got her a promise ring to solidify my choice. I don't want to masturbate or have porn in my life. I hope that now me and her can have the sexual relationship that we've always wanted and never had.