Everything starts to make sense now.

Like i has been through tons of difficulties, not just in the past 2 years, like the whole former life since i was exposed to kinky stuff as a child. 2 years before, i officially started to PMO, so my university life was kinda destroyed. I'll do a small comparison, cause i'm running for deadlines now so let's get to it.
A small description about me to explain how i feel before and now: I'm an electrical engineering female student while my class has more 3 girls else and 70 male students. I'm a student who lives near the school, in the city, not like others, come from different provinces and try hard for the future and family, while i have my father who has his own company so the mere purpose i go to this school is to do his work, and when i got accepted into the school i was like "i just do it for my dad, it's not my passion, i like to draw but that's job is not lucrative in my place". I rarely do the house chore, or cooking, while my friends who does it in their dorm or accommodations. I don't do part-time job, while, again, my friends do. I don't drive motorbike, just bike, while, again x n times more, my friends do, so that's why i know nothing about alleys, streets, areas,... That i lack a lot of social and personal skills and communication skills to get in any conversation. And more importantly, i did PMO before, due to the paper i read that MO is healthy and recommended to do. Due to the inferiority of not capable of doing reports, i failed in more than a time working w a friend, that i let him do all the job. It was unacceptable, i know. (Now we become normal to each others, i know my failures, and he did too, but i think he just tries to let it go and give me the chance to normalize the relationship, classmates).
Me before:
Inferiority, shame, guilty, depression were what i let them to define me. About my grade, just average. I just focus on the grade, not the real value, knowledge, just competitive to others. I was hated and looked down on. I feel left behind, separated, depressed, cause i don't get along with anyone. I was scared of the crowd, of public speaking. I scared to raise my voice, to ask. i feel ugly and fat cause all the girls in my class look thinner. I study in the same class (we has 3 classes in a big class) with the most beautiful, thinnest girl who has great academic performance, all the male of the class' attention, joining Science research club, has way more social and communication skills than me (like part-time jobs, cooking, driving, school club,...). So it seems like i'm the one who always left behind, a failure, an ugly creature. And she's always be kind to me at least so there's no reason i treat her bad, though in my heart, she's just a hotgirl who doesn't know how annoying she is to me. Blablabla, it's a long story.
I was in love, though i was in the PMO period, but it's completely platonic. So i confessed it to him because i know it wasn't go anywhere if i just keep it, or whether i'm still that person of all the things i created, like inferiority and PMO. Yeah, our friendship is one thing that still not be fixed now. But later i'd rather to have a small conversation to him.
About PMO, i did watch P, but it's time-consuming, so i MOed, like about a year. You know, i couldn't control my sexual desire, i just MOed whenever i felt aroused, by anything i met, on social media. I MOed like at least once a week, and try different nasty stuff in the bathroom. I lose all of my confidence, i barely look people in the eyes. Whenever i had done MOed, and looked in the mirror, i just don't feel that person is me. And meet others after i PMOed was guilty. I didn't feel to be present. I live in fantasy. I felt like a failure. I fell into severe depression. I felt always heavy when i go to school. I always felt heavy to confront people. All of that. Just too much for my tolerance. I had the thought of suicide. It's really bad at that time, i didn't want to live if i'm not being myself, if it's still like this.

So, on July 9th 2019, i decided to change. I decided to join Nofap. And to me now, it's the best decision i have in my life. It's life-changing.

Me now:
In the beginning of this term, when i started to go back to school after 2.5 months at home. I tried to study, I enjoyed study. I slowly mend all the relationships. When i mistook one, i asked him if he looked down on me or not, why he ignored me why i just ask him for knowledge (it's a basic communication in university). He apologized me and we're just fine now. I know my fault and try to be kind as much as i can to everyone i meet, as well as those who hated me, who looked down on me. I aim to the peace in my heart.
My point of view about grade, treating people, about this life changed a lot. I study for knowledge, not grade, so it's so slow now, i miss deadlines, but i'm still trying, no give up. I treat people all good, cause i don't want anyone feel like me before, like everyone matters, and those who treated me bad, it's not that they deserve my treat but i deserve to be happy. I try to think more optimistic than i did. I look at the bright side of people, of the problem. I enjoy looking deep in the problem, studying in a more profound way to get the idea, not just running for deadlines and grade. I talk, share more to people. I live in present. I feel peaceful, serene, and calm, not heavy anymore. I feel grateful for all the things i get through, for all the things that happened to me. Gratitude to all that things. Ellen Degeneres said "It's our challenges and obstacles that give us layers of depth and make us interesting. Are they fun when they happen? No. But they are what make us unique." And i love her vibe, her kindness, her attitude to all the things she's been through in her life.

Struggling through all the good and bad things in my early life has shaped me into the person that i really want to become. I can empathize to all the misery of human. I was born in this life is a purpose. My existence on this life counts.
Now i try to improve my cooking skill. Then in the next term (not now, i need to pass this term first), I'll ask for a small job in my father's company, to learn about products and customers (when now i have enough ability to research them), or more, i'll try to experience all the things my friends did, like outside part-time job, waiter or something alike. I'll started to drive. I'll do all the things i miss before. I try to have more experience and knowledge, and skill. IELTS exam, then. I'll try it all, as long as i can manage my time.
That's my story. Exposed to early depression makes me grown. I was my own psychiatrist while no one understands my story. I told myself to do this, to do that, to do the right thing. I never realized how strong i am, till everything pasts. But i still have a lot of things to go. So, i'll do it now. Thank you for your reading. I appreciate all of your time.
This life is hard. Living is hard. But don't give up, cause this life somehow still worth your living. Never give up on hope. You deserve to be happy, you deserve to be loved. This world has a place for you, as long as you don't give up. Have a nice day, guys.
Sincerely.
Hal

 

I realized that i can be this good, that good, if i really try, study to understand, give all my effort, not just look up to people and wish to be like them. I'll get my hands into it, cause i want to be a qualified engineer, who can do anything in this major.

 

I’m just a simple human being who keeps going. And you’re, too. Everyone has their own story about growing up. *hug*

 

Hope you'll pass the "cold turkey effect" (am i right, it's kinda similar). Keep trying man!

 

I find info. It's better to hear that you're having progress and do better. Someday you'll be healthy and strong again, hope that day comes soon. Pray for you man!

 

It’s that your brain fluctuates, your emotions, too. Too much things happen at the same time, you’ll feel not balanced. I prefer to keep silence cause talk in the flirting way to someone cause fluctuations. Just my thoughts. Anw, if there’s someone understands you, that’s awesome to know.

 

Thank you for this inspiring message. The path ahead tons of problems, but i feel good about it. You, too, have a nice day and good life to enjoy with your people

 

Thank you so much for reading

 

The new era comes. I must keep going and going. You're too, miss Starru <3