Everything sucks. I'm tired of myself & society.

Discussion in 'Loneliness' started by Player 1, Jun 6, 2019.

  1. Player 1

    Player 1 Fapstronaut

    This is something that kills me honestly.

    The impossibility to let go negative thoughts or actions from others around you and rant inside about how bad it is. Impossible to ignore it, to be happy & ignorant like the rest of the society, yet grateful to God that I at least have a roof & family, but a part from that I've never been able to develop social skills...

    Being always preparing to fight because the world around you is destructing itself. Difficulties to experience the hypocrisis of society, almost difficult to engage conversation without wanting to insult the guy in front when he's full of shit.

    Along the years, I went from nice guy, to a complete psychopathic hater. I got rejected a lot, it didn't build that famous "armor against rejection" that everyone a minimum normal who make efforts get. Addiction/dreams were always my ultimate shelter.

    I just can't pretend something really interests me in this world because it all goes to shit. I can't see the bright side of things. I'm not sociable & people around me don't care, which is making things even less easier. I don't even have real life friends, nor any job. I get angry as fuck & I want to fight people a lot. I'm pretty sure I'll hit to wrong people someday and more testosterone from NoFap will definitely make me fight for a bad cause. I see myself murdering people sometimes I know it's a bad thing...

    People on the internet been telling me "Get out of your comfort zone" I did & still doing, it doesn't change anything but only make me angrier as the time pass. What should I do? Isolate myself in a shack in the middle of the forest? I've been trying to see the only friends remaining. When I was with them, I couldn't drop a smile & be sociable for shit, I wonder why I even try. I don't like this world, I'm not saying I'm ressourceless or anything but I can't go around people without having fear & hate, almost like I'm going in a battlefield. Now I don't have any friends outside of the internet.

    I've been seeking medical help for 7 years from various "professionnals" none was able to help me, what a tremendous waste of money it was...

    I'm pretty sure addiction is not the problem... Most guys have addiction & can live their life meeting new people & girls. I'm stuck in my thoughts & angriness, nobody wants to talk to me + I can't wanna talk to anybody. I always wanted to experience intimate relationship with a woman but guess what you have to be a minimum open-minded to do that, which is not my case.

    I've never had a girlfriend, I'm 22. people been saying "Ooooh it's nothing you're young you can always improve" but for fuck sake, I've been trying for years, I answer them that at 30 I'd have murder a couple people already if things don't change in my mind. + I'm not dumb, a girl would never want a guy rambling about life.

    What can I do seriously? I want a normal life, friends & a girlfriend. I wanted this lifestyle based on complete ignorance since I was 14. I never managed to be happy, despite all that I have faith in Jesus Christ and hope for a brighter future in peace & wisdom but it hurts.

    I can't live. I can't watch people happy around me without being salty. Why the fuck I've been sent on Earth for ?
  2. Infrasapiens

    Infrasapiens Fapstronaut

    It is really amazing how I thought like you not long ago, your whole perspective of life can change with a small yet meaningful event. It can be anything, a girl smiling at you, seeing a happy looking dog, hearing the birds chirp in the morning. Just try to appreciate small things and things will get better.
    properWood and Player 1 like this.
  3. properWood

    properWood Fapstronaut

    One thing in your comment strikes me like a train: you're focusing on your thoughts, but not on emotions. I maybe should build a primer on how to deal shift the view from thinking to feeling. Here are my thoughts:

    What is the belief behind the need to have a girlfriend? Why do you need a girlfriend? Is it because society expects you to? Is it because of fear that your friends or people around you will mock you? Is it because of loneliness? If it's society, then screw it. If it's loneliness, then you have to learn to cope with it (later below)

    Now let's go to anger. Anger is a secondary emotion, meaning that it builds on another emotion. For exmple, if you drive a car and someone cuts you off in traffic, you get angry at that person. In fact, what you feel is disrespect and humiliation, but you don't want to deal with it, so you manifest it as anger, outrage.

    Not having social skill I think it's probably not a good excuse. as long as you are mostly in your head, with the thoughts, your brain will not be active to perceive social queues.

    How is your environment currently? Living with parents? Living alone? Is it a stressful situation around you?

    Here's how I would go about it all:

    1. Self care, big topic. Create discipline in your life, wake up at the same time, go to sleep at the same time, eat at the same times, try to keep a good schedule with what you do FOR YOU. This is important because it builds self confidence and trust in your abilities, that you can do what you set out to do. And this is a turn on for girls, nothing is more attractive than a guy that is his own master.

    2. Dealing with loneliness. You have to embrace it. When you feel lonely, sit with that feeling. I choose solitude, very often, and start focusing on my emotions. Heal wounds, process emotions. This important because it spill into....

    3. Anger. Sit alone in a room without disturbance. Bring in your mind a situation that made you agry. Your body will start to boil up, you'll feel tension, youll basically relive the situation in your braind. Thoughts will come, push them away and stay on what you feel: does it feel like blood is going from brain to feet (shame), does it feel like the chest is crushing (anxiety), does it feel like the abdomen is closing in on itself (rejection/loss)? Stay with the feeling for as long as possible. With the feeling not with the thoughts. Do this on a regular basis with various situations and you'll see that you'll be less bothered in general. This is emotional processing, healing wounds.

    Here's how it goes with addictions:
    You take part in a stressful situation. You push the emotions aside, because you are told you have to be a rational being, not an emotional being. You suppress these emotions. From time to time, your body say "dude, i have this energy here, release it", but you don't want to because of the pain it will inflict on you (point 3 above). So you pick up an new habit (alcohol, pmo, smoking) so that you get numbed and don't deal with the pain - we are programmed to run away from pain. Whenever the trigger comes (a thought of a situation, or subconsciouly reminded by people around you of specific irk you have), you will go back to the new habit, which soon becomes addiction.

    If you live in an enviromnent that over time gave you a lot of stressful situations, you will develop a depression (not dealing with the emotions, you are suppressing them), you will then develop coping mechanisms, mostly unhealthy ones (pmo, alcohol, smoking, drugs) and now you're in a catch 22 situation: you get negative thoughts, for soothing you go to the addiction which covers temporarily the pain and the negative thoughts. But the thoughts will come back, so you'll again go back to the addiction.

    Will power doesn't help it. Deal with your pain (point 3 above), that's the only way out.

    I hope my suggestion is less vague than "get out of your comfort zone" or "you're still young". There's nothing wrong with you, you just bubbled up a lot of emotional pain that you should express somehow.
    moulox, Kiz Whalifa, Player 1 and 2 others like this.
  4. Player 1

    Player 1 Fapstronaut

    Thanks @Infrasapiens for your message, I agree with you, getting only a sample positive things can make the difference.

    Also thank you to @properWood for your reflexions about my story and there are many points I agree with. Though I've already tried self discipline, but it's not something that stays on the very long term. It's mostly addiction that's destroying it after a few relapses then I have to build it again. But I did experienced it through some bodybuilding, my physical shape has really improve since my teenage years, that's one of the few accomplishments I can recognize.

    Regarding my situation, I live with my parents but let's say everything's not cool at home & outside (living around poor and somewhat hostile areas)
    They want me to find a job but there is this mental blockage that I can't ignore. It's not only fear, it's something stronger I've had anchored in my whole life, I cannot stand having other people around me (I truely wish to fix that though). I also always feel like I have a revenge to take on the past, I want to stop caring about this and live in the present.

    Regarding to being in a relationship, it's not that I want to follow society expectations, I just wish to experience intimacy with a woman, and I could've done it in the past but I was really clumsy with relationships, must've been luck that got me so far. It's probably just addiction talking, but I can't let that desire go... Since I'm 16 I've had fantasies in my head, that helped me to sleep. I wanted a woman to experience intimacy to also be roleplaying more or less sexual things because I'm someone who can be really creative so I wanted to share that with one. This voice in my head, my heart, will hardly shut up I'm afraid, as the time passes the willing to have some real company grows. I already wasted my teenage days in waiting like a needy guy, now I'm still a needy guy with but with more experience about real life, although I'm trying hard not to show it, because I unconsciously still do.

    Working at myself to improve social points seems really delicate.
    Last edited: Jun 7, 2019
    pfb2019 likes this.
  5. Fightyourlowerself

    Fightyourlowerself Fapstronaut

    My understanding of this is that your here to get to know the supreme being.

    In regards to your anger, I experienced something similar at your age but found over the years it mellows out to the extent that things that really annoyed me years ago are minor now.

    As to the happy people around you, think of them from another perspective - their happiness is not stopping you or anyone else from being happy because happiness is not mutually exclusive. Just as you want happiness for yourself you should also want other people to be happy (I mean strangers not just people you know) because you never know what someone else is going through. There may be people who look like they are happy on the outside but suffer behind closed doors.

    My mentor said something interesting about this concept which I want to share - if you think society is affecting you negatively, then this is NOT an acceptable reason to isolate yourself from it. However, If YOU are affecting society in the bad way (not bad thoughts) then start to consider isolating yourself. It doesn't sound like you are causing havoc in the world?

    I think this is a really important point. Once you think about it deeper you will realise the supreme being can't be thanked enough - have you tried ever sitting down and spending 15 minutes writing out all the blessing you have? You might find this useful as it will give your a new perspective on things - just think about your sight as one example - how much would you pay to get this if you didn't have it? Also think about just the design of the eye - from the eyelashes, the vains, the eyelids etc - how well it designed it is so that it doesn't dry out etc. I believe all of this is from our creator as a blessing to us. So when I'm feeling down I try to reflect on these blessings and understand my problems are minor compared to the blessings the creator has given me.

    Overall I agree with the guys above - I think you need to find a way to express your emotions e.g. through exercise or another healthy activity. Also, are you able to get a part time job in a customer facing environment? This really helped me learn to socialise.
  6. Fightyourlowerself

    Fightyourlowerself Fapstronaut

  7. Kiz Whalifa

    Kiz Whalifa Fapstronaut

    Ever tried shrooms? :O
  8. Fightyourlowerself

    Fightyourlowerself Fapstronaut

  9. Fractured Mindset

    Fractured Mindset Fapstronaut

    Might not like this suggestion, but venting your issues in person to someone is a lifesaver.
    if you've just got your parents, use them. I don't know what your relationship is with them or if you trust them enough, but honestly it helps a lot.
    Player 1 likes this.
  10. Kiz Whalifa

    Kiz Whalifa Fapstronaut

    You were put here to live life. Life isn't guaranteed, appreciate every day. Think of this very moment as the introduction of your badass autobiography. Ok, your life is bad, but it could be worse. Admit that you are the reason that you're in the predicament that you're in right now, and put forth some more effort to change. Stop waiting on Jesus to help you. What have you done so far, related to self-improvement? Do you love yourself? Do you, really, really love yourself?
  11. lolos

    lolos Fapstronaut

    Sounds like you are thinking too much. Just get out there and start doing shit bro. Get a job, go to the gym, hang out with friends, get a few hobbys.
  12. Player 1

    Player 1 Fapstronaut

    Faith is now one of the pillar of my life. If nobody is able to understand me, then I trust only God will. Almost all my life I've been away from God's word and grew up without wisdom, that made me weak. I was someone who could never shut up and got often into trouble with no way to fight back. I definitely want to stay away from who I used to be.

    I don't like myself because of the burdens I have my mind, society made me go through strong lust and isolation. I'm getting salty when I see people successful around me, like my only friend I've met on the internet who wanted to help me improve my social skills took me out, but he was kissing his girlfriend in front of me, that made me want to kill them both. Strong jealousy I can't get rid of. I want to be above the average, think the opposite and keep quiet, but working for it despite everything I've been through is painful. I've only done bodybuilding to improve myself it worked pretty well, also take care of my physical appearance people say I definitely can get girls, but doing that is definitely not getting rid of my problem.

    If I answer you that it's harder than you think you'll say I'm making up excuses. But thanks for the advise anyway.

    I can only speak to my mother, I'm grateful to God that I still have her, she's been doing a lot of effort to help me. Speaking to her helps me going better, but the mood eventually drops down when I face my difficulties.

    To resume I'd say it might be the fear of becoming a punk again like the old days. But don't go think I never do what it takes to improve, sometimes I take risks to put myself in discomfort & face my fears but it's something stronger than just being scared, there is also angriness, confusion, dissapointment when I have to stay around people.

    It should probably improve if I manage to beat PMO addiction, but all my social symptoms are beating me up to the relapse.
    Last edited: Jun 8, 2019
  13. Awedouble

    Awedouble Fapstronaut

    This is just in response to the OP, but it strikes me that you're just tired of BS. I think the willingness to be honest, like you're doing with this post is refreshing and rare. Maybe online is the only place you can have that kind of conversation, for now, but I say don't give up on that. If there's anything that might save the world it's going to have to involve real honesty. (and not a superficial positivity, which probably amounts to hiding in a nice thought)
    Player 1 likes this.
  14. pfb2019

    pfb2019 Fapstronaut

    Still have no f---'n idea how to read comments in my inbox. what am I doing wrong. but if I can't do this then there's no way of receiving replies if I can't solve the problem, so I keep going in the same direction, over and over and over. No reason to live, aside from that. No, don't tell me it's the negative self-talk, angry thoughts. Don't tell me it could be worse, 'appreciate what you have' . I think I'll lie in bed for a long time...what is the damn solution? Someone mentioned this to me several years back: 'Suicide is a permanent solution to a temporary problem' That is the only thing that is keeping me from killing myself. I'm already getting help from therapist, I take psychiatric medicine (have been for over twenty years....Pulling my hair out, tir3ed of this fucking world.
  15. Awedouble

    Awedouble Fapstronaut

    Yeah I wouldn't do that man, even though people who say that may be well meaning but they may not know they are invalidating your experience. Shit they may literally go to their graves and think "oh I had good advice and they just didn't listen." Douchy.

    Shits complicated. People don't become therapists because they are super positive and are good at affirmations, they went to graduate school and studied this stuff for years, and put in thousands of hours working with people. AND of course even then some are better than others. If we're going to be realistic it's like WHY TF would anyone think there's a simple solution when even experts who have devoted all this time to this have to take a long time to unravel the mind? It does happen but it's not some quick fix. This needs to be respected.
  16. Player 1

    Player 1 Fapstronaut

    @pfb2019 I cannot provide any solutions buddy but I know how hard can the sufferings be, as no professionnal has been able to cure my obsessions that are preventing me from living thus far. Stay as strong as you can.

    I've also considered suiciding, it is sometimes tempting to end all sufferings but when you think about it, it is way too much of a risk, besides I'd make my family suffer and I definitely don't want that.

    There are a lot of things that makes this fucking world a bad place, hypocrisy from the mass is one of them. I've just seen too much myself to let go when I see something unfair. It's so hard to think of a brighter future, I only see myself dying from the hostilities I can encounter in my areas. This is why I don't go out, I wanna keep living. I won't expand my thoughts too much here, otherwise it might turn into a political debate.

    People been telling me to get a job and leave these third-world-like areas, if I had enough self-confidence and no mental obessions that would've been done a long time ago. But I'm stuck in place and the idea of making a move is just frightening for me. I often see myself killing people who pushed me around back in the days. I'm afraid I could go to the murder for a simple insult. I'm just like a dynamite trapped in the drama ready to explode.

    Maybe I'm just unconsciously obsessed with what I've seen done to me & people in the past and that will break other lives in the future.
    Kiz Whalifa likes this.
  17. Kiz Whalifa

    Kiz Whalifa Fapstronaut

    No professional knows you better than you. You'll have to ask yourself if you wanna leave your past behind, or to dwell in it. Forgive all of the insecure people that projected all of their insecurities upon you in the past.
    Player 1 likes this.

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