Evolution of courage. My self-worth was my culprit.

I am transforming and I want to share with you what I am going through. I would like to hear from others as well so we can compare our experiences. But follow this because I am going to be here with you all.

Here is my evolution with Porn.

I loved porn and it was a secret thing I did. I looked forward to it. This was before I even thought about stopping. My interest in stopping first happened when I realized that no matter what type of woman I had, there would always be another one that I wanted. Meaning, this was my reasoning for not getting into a committed relationship. I thought about the man I wanted to be and for the first time, I realized that porn is changing the way I look at woman. It was the first time I considered getting rid of porn.

Next came the thought and consideration. I couldn't imagine letting go of porn. I didn't want to. It was my safest place. My favorite escape. It took much thought, but I pressed through. I thought about it for a while, perhaps months.

Next came me trying it out. I still did not want to stop on a level. So I failed. I didn't last. It was so great. I was again reinforced with the lie that porn makes me happy. But depression fills my life. I wonder if it has anything to do with porn.

Next came me doing some work on myself. Journaling and practicing a bit of mindfulness. I realized that I do not like to be uncomfortable and did whatever I could to distract myself. Porn was the biggest distraction. I started to see how much low self-worth I had.

A friend of mine, who is a psychologist, let me know something interesting that I did not understand. I shared with her my porn addiction and she told me, "you will stop when you are ready". Now this was for me, probably because she saw me doing work. I was so surprised she would say something like that. I was almost disappointed in her answer. Like it gave me more of an excuse. And perhaps it did. Because soon after I failed again. But her words stuck in my head.

Next, I started thinking about when I would be ready and what that meant. To make this really short (because I have a lot to share), I realized something SO damn important. I realized that I would be ready when I quit looking for permission from everyone else. I realized that I have to attach to my own purpose and believe in myself. The self worth was so low that I just did not believe I could do it. So I would fail, but when I realized that me as a man has a masculine core and when I embrace that, I find courage.

I realized that leaving porn behind is VERY uncomfortable, but I also learned that if I have a purpose in life and I am grounded by that, then these uncomfortable feelings are just a storm and everything is okay. Because I value myself. My motivation for quitting come directly from the fact that it no longer serves me. AT ALL! So if I know this, then it breeds such inspiration to grab on to courage and to search for it when ever I feel lost. Courage is the answer. But what that means to you personally depends on how much work you are doing on your core masculine.

Your core masculine is what you discover when you experience leaning into the uncomfort of growth with courage and knowing that, what does not serve you is not your purpose. It is uncomfortable to grow. It is easier to do what you always have done. Your self worth will increase miraculously when you use courage. I am learning so much about my masculine core this, for me, is initiation to manhood (I am 36). There is nothing masculine about being addicted to porn. That is not a shame. That is a calling for each of you realize that you are worthy of quitting porn.


Today I had a tired spell and felt like jerking off. It hit fast and left me a state where I was considering the thoughts of how good masturbation would feel. I stood in the living room looking out the window. I almost did not know what to do. I really had some free time and I was starting to feel lost. I felt what I first called anxiety in my chest. And I used a bit of mindfulness and just observed the feeling. I started questioning the anxiety. What am I judging or trying to cover up? I woke up early and have been on track, so what is wrong? Is something wrong with me? Will this ever go away? Then I realized, it is not anxiety. It is the beginning of my life. The millions of prickles and anxiety-like feelings were just the feeling of growth. The uncomfort I was feeling was just me moving forward and feeling the new feelings of being born. It was like being in a dark room and the lights were turned on. It is uncomfortable and sharp and you hide your eyes, but you slowly allow things to adjust. THAT is all it was. After that, I embraced the uncomfort, holding on to my purpose of what serves me. It was like the child in me was learning to be a man. I embraced it and felt such a confidence. I see my purpose and I am here for all of you guys.

 

I am still following this and this still has helped me. Today was the hardest day so far. Woke from a vivid dream that would be an incredible fantasy. Normally, I wake up or fall asleep with urges appearing in my thoughts and I would just lay there and just allow them to slip away like a thought, using mindfulness meditation techniques that I learned from Sam Harris. Today was so intense and I can still feel it right now. It has been 3 hours since the dream.

Because of my principal of knowing what serves me, that was my strength. I am really curious how others have used principals vs just distracting themselves away from the thoughts or urges. How has it worked for you? Does anyone here have extremely strong urges and they are able to use mindfulness while it happens?